The Christian and Singleness

Introduction

We so often talk about biblical womanhood in the context of motherhood, I thought it would be important to take a detour and focus on another demographic of our church

Even if you are not single you can still benefit from this teaching and help the single women in your life with it.

The Goodness of Singleness

The Goodness of Marriage

The Challenges of Singleness

How to be Single

I know that this is a hot topic and most people get emotionally invested in this conversation

Almost everyone has a strong opinion about it

I will try to make all the appropriate qualifications and caveats

But if I fail at certain points and am less gentle than I ought to be, I know you will be forgiving

Proverbs 19:11 “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”

It is important to have this conversation because the world in which we are immersed has so glorified singleness and downplayed the goodness of marriage that we need to constantly have our minds corrected on the issue.

The Goodness of Singleness

Everyone is Single at Some Point

There is a point to singleness

There is much that the Lord teaches us in our singleness

We often are taught to test our desires for marriage or for careers or whatever they are to determine if they are proper or if they are idolatrous.

Young single people are able to mature until they are ready to be the kind of person who is suitable for marriage

Praise God He gives us a period to mature in adolescence and early adulthood so that we are less of a terror to our spouses when we do get married.

The Freedom of Singles

1 Cor. 7:28 Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that.

1 Corinthians 7:32–35 “I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.”

Paul is not here speaking of singleness per se, but of celibacy. A difference which we will discuss later.

But even so, there are parallels between the state of singleness and the gift of celibacy seeing that both are a state, as Paul says, of being unmarried.

The single person does not deal with the hardships of marriage

We do no one any good by romanticizing marriage as though it does not bring with it unique, and sometimes very severe challenges

It is not,……, without good reason that he returns so often to praising the benefits of celibacy, for he saw that the burdens of marriage are far from light. Persons who are able to exempt themselves from these burdens should not overlook such a blessing. And it is helpful for those who resolve to get married to be forewarned concerning those troubles, so that afterward, when they experience them unexpectedly, they will not become depressed. This is what we observe happens to many people, for when they have promised themselves pure honey, when this expectation is frustrated, they are easily overwhelmed by the slightest mishap. Therefore let them know in good time what they should expect, that they may be prepared to endure everything patiently. -John Calvin

I don’t deal with the hardships of marriage because I married an angel, but the rest of you married people know what I’m talking about.

There are anxieties and difficulties and complications which arise from marriage.

Emotional weight, financial difficulty, regularly being sinned against by a person who is so closely connected to you.

Sometimes marriages can really go off the rails and become toxic and abusive and damaging. We all know people who have been or are in those types of marriages.

Unmarried people ought to consider the fact that they are free from those types of concerns.

And they ought to use the blessing of that freedom to be “anxious about the things of the Lord.”

The apostle does not want to condemn the married estate on this account. For he does not say that a married man is anxious only about the affairs of this world, or is separated from God. He says only that he is divided and is anxious about many affairs and cannot constantly pray or attend to the Word of God; although his work and care are good, still it is much better to be free to pray and attend to God’s Word. In so doing the unmarried person is of much use and comfort to many people, yes, to all of Christendom… But our monastics, who neither pray nor learn God’s Word but torture themselves with the regulations of men and murmur and howl in the choir, they would do better to tend pigs as married people. -Martin Luther

Prayer

Human beings are finite people and can only pray so many words in a day.

A married woman rightly spends a large portion of her prayer life praying for her husband or her children, or her grandchildren

Furthermore, a married woman naturally has less time for focused prayer in general because she has many “worldly” duties to attend to.

Make breakfast, do laundry, keep the house, help her husband, train and educate her children, feed the chickens, work outside the home.

But an unmarried people have more time. They don’t have the same type of “worldly” duties as married people have, and their prayers are not as directed toward those under their care, so their prayers can be more frequent, more broad, and more deep.

Celibate and unmarried people have a particular type of advantage in drawing near to Christ that Married people do not have

Married people have a different advantage in drawing near to Christ.

Kingdom Work

Furthermore, unmarried people have more freedom with their time in general.

I often joke that whenever I leave the office here, I’m going to clock in for my second shift.

This is because married people and parents have a lot of familial work to do in the home.

But single people clock out and their time is their own.

Or rather, it is a gift from God which they are to steward.

And with that extra time, single people should be seeking to serve Christ in His kingdom

If your work 60 hours per week, and you sleep 8 hours per night, you still have 52 hours per week to spend

What do you spend that time on?

Prayer, discipleship, evangelism, missions, study, works of mercy in serving your brothers and sisters or serving the community

As you spend your lavish amount of spare time laboring in the kingdom, you are storing up for yourself treasures in heaven.

Matthew 6:33 “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

Matthew 6:19–20 ““Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.”

Generosity

In modern times, unmarried women have far more disposable income than married women.

This too is a way singleness is a blessing. You have more to give to your church and to the work of missions and to other worthy endeavors.

Where a married person might only be able to afford to give 10% of their income to the church, a single person often has the ability to give more on account of not having to pay a mortgage, or not having to buy diapers or purchase life insurance or pay for school or any number of other things.

The Goodness of Marriage

There are many blessings for the unmarried person, but this doesn’t mean that it is better than being married.

In fact, we should understand that marriage is normative for Christians and should be desired and pursued by those who are unmarried

The Light of Nature

God’s revelation to us in creation outside of the scriptures

We have a deep sense of our need for companionship

This desire is naturally met in marital intimacy

Marriage is needed for functioning societies

There is no society without marriage because society is impossible without families and families are impossible without marriage

Healthy society needs children so that it can continue.

Children need both a mother and a father in a stable and committed relationship. Cohabitation is not a stable and committed relationship, yet marriage is

Marriage is a place where masculine energies can be channeled into healthy pursuits.

Marriage is a place where women can be protected and provided with the resources they need to have and raise children, and by so doing, build society.

Marriage is needed for the continued propagation of the human race

It is tempting to think that this is no longer a concern for us in the modern world

We are currently facing a global demographic crisis. One in which the vulnerable in society (the elderly, disabled) will not have the ability to rely upon the economic output of healthy, working age people because our societies are getting older and older as a result of fewer and fewer children.

China

By 2040, China’s working population will have decreased by 10% while its retired population will have increased by 50%

The economy will have barely three workers for each dependent adult. Those three workers will have to produce enough for their own consumption, those of their other dependents, and one-third of a retiree’s needs.

The rest of the World is racing to catch up with China’s population decrease

Scripture’s Teaching

Hebrews 13:4 “Let marriage be held in honor among all……”

Genesis 2:18 “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.””

There is a very real and natural sense in which singleness is not good. The single person is an incomplete person

This is not to say they are less valuable or less human or anything like that, yet by nature, they are incomplete.

Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”

An Analogy of the Gospel

There are some who believe that marriage is good for humanity, but now that we are saved, grace supersedes any natural calling to marriage and therefore it is more holy and honorable to seek celibacy

Grace does not destroy nature, it perfects it

Now that we are under grace, our natural inclination toward marriage is not destroyed, but rather it is transformed by that grace and our marriages are transformed

Ephesians 5:22–32 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the Church.”

Marriage is now more than a natural reality, it is a redeemed reality which communicates gospel truths

Children Are Natural Subjects of the Great Commission

Children are a blessing

Psalm 127:3–5 “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.”

Marriage is the only lawful context in which Children may be had.

Children are themselves candidates for the great commission.

What a wonderful and blessed way to make new worshippers of God? Having and discipling one’s own children is obedience to the great commission of discipling the nations, including one’s own.

Families in the Church

They provide stability and longevity in a local body

They provide ministry opportunities to other families outside of the church

They help to foster proper masculine virtues and feminine virtues in the men and women in the church

The Challenges of Singleness

The Pain of Loneliness

The inability to have intimacy with another person and share everything with them

We feel the “not goodness” of being alone. a deep feeling of the incompleteness we experience

Especially those who grow old and are never married.

To grow old with no husband, no children, no grandchildren is a painful experience which even relationships in the church are not designed to remove although they do greatly alleviate them

The Feelings of Inadequacy

Single people can feel as though they are single because no one has realized their worth

No one has thought them beautiful, or witty, or enjoyable to be around

And so they must not be beautiful or maybe they are obnoxious or unworthy of affections

If this is you, just know that these are lies of the devil.

But even so, they can be very difficult lies to shake.

The Danger of Life without Accountability

There is great spiritual advantage to marriage

I can’t get away with things like I used to because I always have someone hanging around who is ready to call me on my shenanigans.

There is great blessing in the accountability of marriage and not having that accountability is a liability.

Proverbs 9:8–9 reprove a wise man, and he will love you. Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning.”

For the married man or woman, reproof and instruction is right around the corner and they will be made wiser for it.

But for the single person, much of their life happens in anonymity. Much of their sin happens in anonymity.

And sin loves the dark.

The Temptation of a Life of Frivolity

In modern life, those who are unmarried have an excess of time and resources.

This excess can be a temptation to live a selfish lifestyle with fur babies and expensive tastes and botox and Xanax

Sexual Immorality

Women as well as men have been given a desire for sexual intimacy.

Sexual intimacy must be expressed within the bounds of the marriage covenant.

As long as that strong desire is there, yet there is no lawful way to express that desire, there will be a temptation to express it in unlawful ways through fornication.

This is so easy to do in our over sexualized culture.

This is why Paul says in 1 Cor. 7 and in 1 Tim. 5 that if a person has these sexual desires, then they ought to marry

Singleness is a Trial For those Who Desire Marriage

Singleness is not a spiritual gift

1 Corinthians 7:6–8 “Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am.”

Paul is not speaking of a gift of singleness. The word “single” in v. 8 does not even appear in the original Greek

Paul is speaking of the spiritual gift of celibacy.

Celibacy

This is a rare gift that God has given to a few extraordinary individuals

This is nowhere referred to as singleness, but rather, Jesus refers to it as being a eunuch for the kingdom.

Matthew 19:11–12 “But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.””

Not literal Eunuchs, but those who are permanently committed to being unmarried.

Celibacy is the gift of not being affected by the intense natural desire for sexual intimacy and companionship and children that is met in marriage

Origen, Augustine, John Stott, Amy Carmichael, Aquinas

These desires are all good things and they are the way God has naturally made us

And so when we do not have those desires at all but are rather overcome with a desire to serve the kingdom of God as a eunuch, we should recognize that it is not a natural thing, but rather a supernatural thing.

It is a spiritual gift.

For every single person who does not have that spiritual gift, their status as single ought to be seen as a trial from God

It ought to be treated as any other trial

We do not do ourselves any favors when we live in denial about where God has placed us

We cannot be helped in our suffering if we do not acknowledge our suffering

But as Christians, we must not identify with our suffering and we must have deep joy in the midst of trials

It is not idolatry to seek to be delivered from the trial of singleness

If you have a strong desire for a husband, a family, children, you desire a good thing.

The strong desires are natural and they are not idolatrous

Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”

Children are a heritage from the Lord.

You are called to desire these things

But you are also warned not to make earthly desires ultimate desires.

Singleness is particularly difficult for women

God made man first and he was alone.

It was not ideal. It was not even good according to Gen. 2:18. But man, according to his nature, is capable of being alone.

Men were created with strength and independence so that they would have the ability to lead and provide for those who would rely on them.

Women, however, were created to help, nurture, adorn, and be led.

They are physically and metaphysically oriented toward motherhood

And so, according to their very nature, being unmarried is a greater challenge.

One author said “In the Garden, the man's curse was the toil of provision, and the woman's curse was the toil of childbearing. Women who choose to be single are exchanging the typical curse of women for the typical curse of men. They are foregoing marriage and motherhood and choosing to be their own providers and protectors.” -Michael Clary, God’s Good Design, pg. 232.

How to be Single

Do not cope with the pain of singleness in inappropriate ways

This is a particularly strong temptation for young women

You go through years of sadness, depression, anger, and anxiety thinking you’re unloveable and unworthy of a spouse

You finally relent and cope with that pain by convincing yourself you have the gift of celibacy and you were never supposed to want to be married in the first place

In fact, your desire for marriage was always idolatrous and now you have a new found purpose as a celibate Christian

But sisters, that is not the way to deal with the pain

And the very fact that you had the desire for marriage is proof positive that you do not have the gift of celibacy

Keep bringing your pain to Christ

Pursue Marriage

The dating market is slim pickins’ these days

The battle of the sexes

Marriage is the Norm for Christians

Don’t be Embarrassed to Look for a Spouse

Women Must Pursue Marriage in Different Ways Than Men

In Some ways it’s easier for women

In Some ways it’s much more difficult

Don’t waste your singleness

Put it to work for the sake of God’s kingdom

Use those extra energies a resources to bless others, pray for others, teach truth to others and be a light in this dark world

Don’t wait around thinking that your life will only start once you’re married. You’re living now, make the most of where the Lord has placed you

Leverage your station and your strengths for God’s glory

Take your opportunities as a single person seriously as you seek first his kingdom

Trust the Lord’s Providence

Contentment in Trial

Your Shepherd only leads you down paths that are good for you