Differentiation

Today we are going to continue our series in Love & Dating. If you have been following us up to this point, we have covered a lot of topics and we have many more things to cover.

Today we are going to be covering a very important topic, one of the most critical in a relationship. It will determine who you are in the relationship and also how healthy the relationship will become.

Judges 16:4–6 KJV 1900

4 And it came to pass afterward, that he loved a woman in the valley of Sorek, whose name was Delilah. 5 And the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and said unto her, Entice him, and see wherein his great strength lieth, and by what means we may prevail against him, that we may bind him to afflict him: and we will give thee every one of us eleven hundred pieces of silver. 6 And Delilah said to Samson, Tell me, I pray thee, wherein thy great strength lieth, and wherewith thou mightest be bound to afflict thee.

The Lexham Bible Dictionary Was Delilah a Prostitute?

Although Delilah is often understood as either a prostitute or as Samson’s second wife, the text does not support either identification. However, the Delilah episode mirrors that of Samson’s interaction with the prostitute at Gaza in Judg 16:1–3. The two accounts are a single unit, linked by the Philistines’ attempts to subdue Samson. In Judges 16:1–3 the residents of Gaza set an ambush for Samson while he is visiting a prostitute there. After the Gazites fail to capture Samson, the “lords of the Philistines” approach Delilah and bribe her to betray Samson, instructing her: “Seduce him, and see where his great strength lies, and by what means we may overpower him, that we may bind him to humble him. And we will each give you 1,100 pieces of silver” (Judg 16:5 ESV).

Already we see some problems developing in this relationship, not taking into account all the other problems here.

If you have been with us for a long time, then you will know we did cover Samson in a character study a long time back. This is not the scope of this lesson.

What we will be covering is important and deals with an issue that is consistent in Samson’s life.

Today we are going to talking about Differentiation.

Does anyone know what differentiation means?

Differentiation can be defined as:

Psychology Today defines Differentiation as:

The ability to balance the autonomy and the attachment so it is not an either/or. The more differentiated you become, the closer these two forces become. Essentially, it is the ability to be connected to your thoughts, values, and feelings, while also being close to someone, especially when that person is very important to you.

It has also been described as:

An ongoing process of growing and developing both as an individual and as a couple without losing your identity.

I think for us to understand all this in full we need to have a lesson on the three different views of law

Let’s first talk about morality.

Morality at its most basic form is the distinction between right and wrong.

Morality, at its most basic, is the distinction between right and wrong, and while this sounds simple, it's actually very complex. Different people in different societies have morals.

What is Theonomy?

Pocket Dictionary of Ethics Theonomy

The condition of living under divine rule; as an ethical term, the belief that God is ultimate source of moral authority, and hence that revelation, rather than reason, is the central locus for ethical guidance. Under this broader meaning, theonomy can denote a variety of ethical proposals, although it is most often used to refer to theological voluntarism, i.e., the teaching that moral standards arise solely from the divine will, in contrast to naturalism or the idea that ethical norms are inherent in the nature of things.

What is Heteronomy?

Pocket Dictionary of Ethics Heteronomy

The approach to ethical reflection in which moral and ethical principles are derived from a source outside the individual, such as revelation or an authoritative institution.

Heteronomy is dictatorship, think of rulers such as Stalin and Hitler.

What is Autonomy?

Pocket Dictionary of Ethics Autonomy

Literally, “self law” or “self rule,” and hence the independent exercise of an individual or community’s will leading to moral claims that are seen to be determined by the individual. In general, autonomy—which is often viewed as the opposite of heteronomy and is sometimes contrasted to theonomy—entails the rejection of all moral claims deemed to arise from a source that is external to the individual or community or to which the individual or community does not have direct access.

America is supposed to be a mix of autonomy and heteronomy. However heteronomy is more present in our world today.

You might be asking yourself…

Why does this even matter about dating?

First, let’s explain why it matters in general.

God intended for the government and the people to live under an theonomous rule. This is clear throughout the bible when he would speak to people and they would proclaim the word of the Lord. The people then obey God’s law and rule.

In a theocracy, God rules over the people and all are subject to his law and authority.

In a Heteronomy, a man makes the rules and all will follow his authority. The problem often is that these rulers usually are exempt from their own laws and rules. Laws are often designed for the benefit of said ruler and they impose their views on everyone until they either accept or are eliminated.

Autonomy means that you have the freedom to believe what you decide is the truth. You can exercise the freedom to obey or disobey. You also

So what is the problem?

Doesn’t autonomy sound like a good thing?

Here is the problem:

If I believe in certain thing, and you believe another the result will lead to a debate in which each side will argue their point. The problem is now autonomy has been traded for heteronomy. Where one side will pressure or force their views and beliefs upon other individuals in which the person oppressed will lose their autonomy. Under a theocracy, God’s law is the rule and all are under His authority and held accountable to it.

As believers it is easy for us to be passive or allow people to walk over us under the guise that we are being kind and showing the love of Christ.

Jesus did not differentiate Himself though there were circumstances that pressed upon Him to do so.

Samson is a great example of a person who failed at differentiating himself.

There are some signs here of how he failed to keep his identity in a relationship.

Communicate

Notice that Samson failed to communicate anything, even to the people that should have been the closest to him.

Judges 14:9 KJV 1900

9 And he took thereof in his hands, and went on eating, and came to his father and mother, and he gave them, and they did eat: but he told not them that he had taken the honey out of the carcase of the lion.

Honestly, this is probably the most important part of a relationship is having proper communication. Communication often causes a large amount of unnecessary problems and could be avoided with proper communication.

This is not the first time that Samson does not communicate something, but it is a prime example that he did not communicate even to his parents who should have been close to him.

He also lies to Delilah, one whom he “loves”. Communication is a constant problem in his life.

When entering a relationship, be upfront and communicate immediately.

It will set the stage for the entire relationship.

When Lissa and I met, we were very upfront with one another. This prevents wasted time.

You may want to say “I’m young and I have time” but time will pass quickly and you should not waste any time.

The most valuable thing on earth is time.

Commit

Don’t just communicate, but be committed.

Live what you have stated. Do not compromise at all.

When you compromise once, you will be expected to do it again.

Once is never once.

I remember my first job in high school, Subway. I actually enjoyed working there and had a great time with my coworkers. I can remember when I was hired I had a no Sunday policy for work which was set at the time of interviewing. One day the owner called me and was in desperate need for someone to fill in as all the other employees were unable to work. It was Sunday afternoon and he needed someone to close. I told him I would come in this once but it was to help him in this situation. After about 2 weeks, I noticed they starting to add me on the schedule to work Sunday afternoons and close the store. I ended up working a few of those days before I had to confront the owner again and reinforce the fact that I was committed to what I said and that working on Sunday was not an option. I finally got removed off Sundays but it was a point of contention since I had “done it that one time”.

When we don’t stay committed it is telling the other person that “yes, I am open to do this.”

Notice that it seems to suggest that Samson never took his Nazarite vow serious.

If he did, the scriptures do not seem to show that about him.

This is probably not right but, I imagine Samson did not cut his hair as it was a part of his own pride like how Absalom loved his hair and wore it in pride.