Premarital Counseling Session 2
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Anita and Mason
Anita and Mason
BIBLICAL UNDERSTANDING OF COVENANT
From a biblical point of view, it’s also important to note that God established marriage as a covenant, not a contract (Malachi 2:14; Proverbs 2:16-17).
14 But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.
16 So you will be delivered from the forbidden woman, from the adulteress with her smooth words,
17 who forsakes the companion of her youth and forgets the covenant of her God;
The difference? At least three distinctions:
• A covenant is based on trust between parties while a contract is based on distrust.
• A covenant is based on unlimited responsibility while a contract is based on limited liability.
• A covenant cannot be broken if new circumstances occur while a contract can be voided by mutual consent.
This type of marriage covenant was ordained by God to provide believers with a picture of Christ's love and relationship to His church
(Ephesians 5:22-33; Revelation 21:2, 9).
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.
24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,
26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,
30 because we are members of his body.
31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
2 And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.
9 Then came one of the seven angels who had the seven bowls full of the seven last plagues and spoke to me, saying, “Come, I will show you the Bride, the wife of the Lamb.”
I want to revisit the partners habits— you both mentioned this on your caution flag sheet.
So let check that really quick:
PARTNER’S HABITS
This is the most common caution flag. It can serve as a bit of a catch-all and it basically means that they have something specific in mind about their partner that irks them or gets under their skin.
Do you each have something that gets under the skin of each other?
On a scale of 1-10 how bothersome would you say your partner’s habit is and why?
(Other Partner)
What do you think and feel when you hear your partner talking about your habits in this way?”
WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Be prepared for any number of behaviors to surface when you explore this issue. For example it could be as seemingly innocuous as crunching their ice to not keeping their car gassed up. Or it might be more personal and involve hygiene (not washing their hands after using the bathroom) or etiquette (talking with their mouth full). But it could also be more troublesome. You might hear disturbing habits about their health (they refuse to see a doctor) or their money (they don’t believe in banks). It literally could be nearly anything.
WHY IT’S IMPORTANT
If a person is noting this caution flag, they typically had something specific in mind and it’s bothering them. And as the saying goes for engaged coupes, “what is now, will be then, only more so.” In other words, annoying habits have a way of becoming increasingly more and more annoying over time. And they are bound to negatively impact a marriage if they are not effectively addressed.
WHAT TO SAY
Start with an open-ended inquiry: “Tell me about why you indicated that your partner has a habit that bothers you?” This gives them room to go anywhere they would like on the issue. Follow that up with something like this: “On a scale of 1-to-10, how bothersome would you say your partner’s habit is and why?”
Invite the other partner into the conversation: “What do you think and feel when you hear your partner talking about your habits in this way?” Give them space to say their piece and if they don’t seem to recognize how it might be annoying to their partner, ask something like: “If you were your partner, do you see how it might be bothersome or not really?”
WHAT TO DO
Generally speaking, this caution flag does not require professional intervention. It simply needs to be explored. The goal is to help them each empathize with each other more and more. But if you sense that it’s a habit that is bound to cause increasing problems for the couple, you can let them know it. And if need be, refer them to someone who can help them find more resolve on the issue.
Tonight:
Any questions from last week?
Were you all able to discuss somethings?
Cover:
Context:
Social Support
Finances
Expectations
Context here is kinda the proverbial baggage one brings into a relationship.
We all have baggage we bring into relationships— this can be good or bad.
For the most part you guys see each other’s relationships as positive and you both also have great relationships as well.
You both feel supported and encouraged.
You guys feel the same about in-laws, and your faith community.
Do you guys have good support systems that have been encouraging with you guys getting married?
What are those support systems? What makes them up? Family-Friends?
Tell me about your relationships with your future in-laws.
Tell me about your relationship with your faith community or your churches.
The only place here that was a little off and not by a huge margin was the network of friends you both enjoy.
You both have different friend groups— it is as simple as that.
And there are friends that you are going to connect with and friends that you are like… i don’t like them.
It’s tricky.
And some of those relationships will just stay in an individual status— as in you may still connect with them but the other won’t be a huge part of it.
Mason you indicated that you are:
Somewhat concerned about your two social worlds and how each of you is investing and connecting within them.
Do you guys connect with each other’s friends groups? Why or why not?
Do either of you want to see the other become more involved with your friends groups?
Do either of you want to see more of an effort put into connecting with the other’s friend groups?
Financial Context:
Let’s talk about MONEY HONEY
Money is the most common grenade that blows in a marriage.
You may find that money is what gets discussed the most and most fights will revolve around money.
Money Talks:
I would love to try a couple of these questions here:
In my home growing up, money was….
When I think about our financial future…
What you may not know about money and me is…
The thing I appreciate about you in relationship to money is…
When it comes to money, I’d like to improve my…
One specific action we could take right not that would help is…
Let’s check out your money style:
Mason: Saver
Anita: Spender
Does this connect well with you guys?
Tell me why the test would say this about each of you?
So how do we find middle ground here?
What would make it tough for each of you to compromise in how you save or spend?
Budget Skills:
Do you guys have a budget?
How well do you stick to them?
Anita: You are more in the camp— I’ll start one someday
Mason: I’ve started on but I don’t stick to it.
I printed our some budgets for you.
This is not something that you have to figure about before you get married— but having a good conversation about money would be wise.
And having a budget would also be helpful.
Let’s talk about Financial Fears:
Mason you showed: Lack of influence
Anita: Lack of security
This shows the area of finances that you guys are worried about:
The good news is both of you do not have a fear that the other won’t respect you or not realize that you have dreams when it comes to money.
That is a good thing:
For Mason it is not having a say in your financial approach
Why does this make you worry Mason?
Anita how does hearing Mason say that make you feel?
Anita you mentioned the fear of security: not having enough to live on or enough for emergencies.
Why does this make you worry?
Mason how does hearing Anita say this make you feel?
Debt:
Congrats Anita— you don’t have any debt!
Mason you have some though.
Is that School or credit cards?
Do you have a plan to get out from under your debt?
When you become one— it is now your budget.
I would encourage that you have a positive look by thinking okay— how can we get out of this debt and helping each out pulling each other out, and then trying your best to stay out of it.
Last bit of encouragement before moving forward.
Set a date each month or twice a month where you meet and talk over budget and finances.
And as we talk about expectations we will ask who is going to do the handling of the finances? And you guys have indicated that you each of you would and not the other person.
I think it is important that both of you help with this. Maybe one does the bill paying and the other does the tracking of the finances.
Okay let’s talk Expectations:
The first section shows that roles you both agree on:
Is there any roles here that you would say— that is not correct?
I love that this a lot of stuff that you guys want to do together.
I think that is super helpful.
There are somethings that you both acknowledge that one is better at then the other.
Okay let’s talk about the ones that you disagree with each other.
And this is really just you guys have said the opposite of each other or that your have said one of you and the other said both of us.
Providing income
Paying bills and handling finances
Gassing up the care
Making the bed
Grocery shopping
Caring for a pet
Scheduling social events
Making major decisions
Initiating talks about the relationship
Next week we will cover Dynamics:
Personality and love
Achieving— Fact Based, Efficient, logical
Pioneering— Results-oriented, Bold, Innovative
Energizing— Persuasive, outgoing, enthusiastic
Affirming— Optimistic, encouraging, verbal
Cooperating— Service-oriented, peace keeper, patient
Unwavering— Loyal, sincere, diligent
Deliberating— Devoted, accurate, disciplined
Analyzing— Orderly, conscientious, careful