The Undistracted Widow - Chapter 9

1 Thessalonians 4:13 KJV 1900

13 But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.

SUBJECT: Grieving in a Godly Way

When Words Fail

Over the last several decades, a cultural shift has occurred in which we are influenced to live according to how feel about things instead of how we think about things.

I would add that this. We must learn to live according what God’s thinks and not what we feel or think. The more I study the Word of God I am convinced that God gave us a mind to think about Him, His Word, and the practical ways in which we obey Him. One of the key verses is Philippians 2:5

Philippians 2:5 KJV 1900

5 Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:

Patterns of Grieving

There is no Biblical evidence to suggest that grief occurs in stages as is proposed by writers such as Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Instead, grieving is more like the last weeks of winter in which you think the cold days are abating only to awaken the next morning to a layer of snow on the ground.

I feel this is the best analogy of grieving that I have read yet. There is no doubt that everyone grieves differently and, without a doubt, just when you think you in a good place, wham, something or someone reminds you of the person you have lost and there it is, grief.

I’ve observed three general patterns of response that widows display in grieving the death of their husbands:

Stoicism - The Rock of Gibraltar widow.

Emotionalism - The Let It All Hang Out widow.

Faithfulness - The Resting In the God Who Is There widow.

A stoic denies the reality of the situation and lives as if the loss does not touch her. In contrast, the widow who allows herself to be a the mercy of her emotions fails to control herself…God is not honored when act super-Christian, as though grief cannot touch us, or sub-Christian, as though grief has robbed us of the Holy Spirit.

1 Corinthians 10:31 KJV 1900

31 Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.

Colossians 3:17 KJV 1900

17 And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.

Great suggestions from the author on how to guard against being a super-Christian or a sub-Christian. She mentions the power of music. Music always appeals to the emotions. It is the reason why we must be careful about how much and what type of music we use in our worship of the Lord. By the same token, music can evoke powerful memories such as times you spent with your husband. She is wise to suggest that take care how much expose yourself to such things when grieving.

A Psalm for Times of Distress

Psalm 31 KJV 1900

To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David. 1 In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust; Let me never be ashamed: Deliver me in thy righteousness. 2 Bow down thine ear to me; deliver me speedily: Be thou my strong rock, For an house of defence to save me. 3 For thou art my rock and my fortress; Therefore for thy name’s sake lead me, and guide me. 4 Pull me out of the net that they have laid privily for me: For thou art my strength. 5 Into thine hand I commit my spirit: Thou hast redeemed me, O Lord God of truth. 6 I have hated them that regard lying vanities: But I trust in the Lord. 7 I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: For thou hast considered my trouble; Thou hast known my soul in adversities; 8 And hast not shut me up into the hand of the enemy: Thou hast set my feet in a large room. 9 Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: Mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly. 10 For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing: My strength faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed. 11 I was a reproach among all mine enemies, But especially among my neighbours, and a fear to mine acquaintance: They that did see me without fled from me. 12 I am forgotten as a dead man out of mind: I am like a broken vessel. 13 For I have heard the slander of many: Fear was on every side: While they took counsel together against me, They devised to take away my life. 14 But I trusted in thee, O Lord: I said, Thou art my God. 15 My times are in thy hand: Deliver me from the hand of mine enemies, and from them that persecute me. 16 Make thy face to shine upon thy servant: Save me for thy mercies’ sake. 17 Let me not be ashamed, O Lord; for I have called upon thee: Let the wicked be ashamed, and let them be silent in the grave. 18 Let the lying lips be put to silence; Which speak grievous things proudly and contemptuously against the righteous. 19 Oh how great is thy goodness, which thou hast laid up for them that fear thee; Which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee Before the sons of men! 20 Thou shalt hide them in the secret of thy presence from the pride of man: Thou shalt keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues. 21 Blessed be the Lord: for he hath shewed me his marvellous kindness in a strong city. 22 For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before thine eyes: Nevertheless thou heardest the voice of my supplications when I cried unto thee. 23 O love the Lord, all ye his saints: For the Lord preserveth the faithful, And plentifully rewardeth the proud doer. 24 Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, All ye that hope in the Lord.

There is not much that needs to be said here. This is a great Psalm and definitely one that you can pray through to the Lord in times of distress. As she noted, we should always turn to Scripture for guidance, help, and hope as we grieve.

Be Encouraged, Be Hopeful

Habakkuk 3:17–19 KJV 1900

17 Although the fig tree shall not blossom, Neither shall fruit be in the vines; The labour of the olive shall fail, And the fields shall yield no meat; The flock shall be cut off from the fold, And there shall be no herd in the stalls: 18 Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation. 19 The Lord God is my strength, And he will make my feet like hinds’ feet, And he will make me to walk upon mine high places. To the chief singer on my stringed instruments.

Habakkuk was confident in the faithfulness, love, and justice of God. Even when he was trembling from hearing the advancing enemy army, Habakkuk rejoiced in God.

True contentment, joy, and peace come only we are looking to God for His help and seeking to obey His Word. It is then that our sorrow or grief can become times of hope and encouragement. I like the fact that she immediately goes to 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

1 Thessalonians 4:13–18 KJV 1900

13 But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope. 14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him. 15 For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep. 16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: 17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord. 18 Wherefore comfort one another with these words.

The last verse is one that I often share with someone who just lost a believing loved one to death. We will see them again! Praise the Lord! What a sweet reunion in Heaven when we meet Christ face to face and are reunited with family members who accepted the Lord as their personal Savior.

God’s Involvement

Hebrews 9:27–28 KJV 1900

27 And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment: 28 So Christ was once offered to bear the sins of many; and unto them that look for him shall he appear the second time without sin unto salvation.

What about the uncertainty of whether or not your husband was a believer?

Only God knows with absolute certainty who is in heaven and who is not. Yet, we can have confidence that those who have persevered in the faith have gone to heaven. If you do not have certainty regarding your spouse, you can pray and confidently leave it with God. Ask God to give you grace to entrust your concern to him and to leave it with him.

I believe that is sound advice. In the end, there is nothing you can do about it. I know that seems harsh, but it is reality. Thus, there are some things we must leave in the past and leave with God. This is one of them.

Don’t get trapped in excessive sorrow.

This is one of the many traps Satan uses. If he can get you living in the past and wallowing in self guilt, he can keep you from effectively serving the Lord with the time you have left this side of Heaven.

The Watching World

[A Christian widow’s loss] is an opportunity to manifest the power of God to comfort his people even in significant adversity.

We are being watched, we are being observed; and many in their spiritual bankruptcy are wondering whether, after all, the answer is Christ. - Martyn Lloyd-Jones

James 1:12 KJV 1900

12 Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.

In the end, this is an extremely important point. There are all sorts of people watching your life such as your children, grandchildren, in-laws, and many others. All of them looking to see who you will react to the adversity you are facing. What you do with it will either influence them to follow Christ or cause them to live as they always have.

Discussion Questions

Give some examples in which you have seen American society emphasize living according to how you feel versus how you think? Why is important that we, as believers, not live according to either, but according to what God tells us in Scripture?

Initially, as you began to deal with your grief, which of the three types of response best depicts you? Were you stoic, emotional, or faithful?

What is the ultimate source of hope and encouragement for us today?

What counsel would you give a widow who was uncertain about her husband’s eternal state?

Who do you think is watching your life closely looking to see how you handle your grief?