Communication
Couples Retreat • Sermon • Submitted • Presented
0 ratings
· 1 viewNotes
Transcript
We imagine intimacy is developed in the bedroom. Real intimacy is developed between to naked souls. Communication is the first step to real intimacy.
Definition:
The purpose of communication is grace. I am not allowed to simply throw my words around and leave it to them to discern my meaning. I am to aim for ministering to my spouse with my words.
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
Natural Evolution of Communication Arc
Level Five: Cliche’ Conversation
Level Four: Reporting the Facts
Level Three: Ideas and Judgements
Level Two: Feelings or Emotions
Level One: Complete Emotional and Personal Communication
Your going to be at various levels in different areas of your marriage. You can look at where you are and aim for level one. Our desire is to get to level one in all areas of your marriage life. You wont have that with everyone you want this with your spouse.
I want to camp out on what to expect it to look like when you are on level one.
Text: Genesis 2:22-25
And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
The man said,
“This is now bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called ‘woman,’
for she was taken out of man.”
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
Scripture says that they weren’t wearing any clothing in the garden. This was meant to tell us the level of innocence that was the atmosphere of the garden. In fact this same level of trust and closeness can be experienced in the marriage as well.
They didn’t need to make clothing because they had a fabric that was far greater and more holy than anything they could have come up with. That is intimacy that had been woven in their purity.
Intimacy is not a status with which you start. As a matter of fact you will slowly weave intimacy over the lifetime of the relationship. We have heard couples who have been married for 40-50 years say things like I love her more now than the day I married her. This isn’t driven by some physical lust or sexual drive this is knit together over years of relationship.
How and Why
When i communicate for me these attributes are the how, and for my wife they are the why.
Illustrate it Potholder…
The loom of communication makes good use of 5 kinds of words that we must make present in our home to keep the intimacy strong. (quick run through)
Words of Gratitude
“This is now bone of my bone.” The word NOW is the key word. We are to understand that before God ever introduced a wife into the garden he allowed Adam to see his need. The word now is a word of provision that God has made for him a mate. According to vs 20 Adam couldn’t find a suitable mate for himself in all creation. But he declares “now” this is bone of my bone. God has provided me a mate.
It is important that your spouse knows that they are an answer to your prayers. They must understand that you see them as the very blessing of God in your life. They are not in your life because you deserved it but because God has blessed you with a great blessing.
Words of Acceptance
“Flesh of my Flesh” This was a personal deal Adam has chosen to wrap his very person into this person. His identity has been connected to the well being of his wife. There is an acceptance that comes from years together. A willingness to accept and be accepted in the bounds of marriage. "I don't accept you for what you can do for me..." I don't accept you for what you have done for me..." I accept you for who you are.
Notice that this was Adam to Eve. Men it is your role to give your wife the strength of your acceptance.
Words of Possession
“Cleave Unto His Wife” Nobody get uncomfortable. Marriage is at its core is a possessive relationship. God introduces us to the word wife and husband in Genesis. This simplified from Adam having called Eve "Woman". In other words Adam didn't have to say "my woman" because he had the term wife. At its core when my wife says Husband she is eliminating any other man from the conversation but her man. MMMMMM her man!
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
We are really good at demanding with words that communicate your mine. Serving is the opposite it says…
“I’m Yours”
“I’m Only Yours”
Words of Commitment
“Shall Be” Adam wasn't looking for the next best thing to come along. He wasn't getting dissatisfied. He was giving an emphatic term here.
If you are here with your spouse this morning remember back to that day that you made those promises. This sthould be a daily reminder.
"Your stuck with me."
"If you ever leave me I'm coming with you."
"You know you are my future."
Words of Unity
“One Flesh”
Unless your fighting major on
“We”not “You”
words of “Forgiveness”
For clarity we are not only using such words. We can have hard conversations and even use pointed words to speak to one another, but when I say hard things in an environment where my wife knows I am grateful, accepting, belonging, committed, and unified. Then she can hear each of those hard things with the grace that is intended.
Loom again - when I speak in this I am doing the How. But she is hearing the Why.
Reverse weave…
What happens when those words run in reverse? Consider the Words of Isolation Tear the Fabric of Relationship.
Fast forward to Genesis 3:9-14
And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat. And the Lord God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:
Focus on Shame
The issue of their nakedness is not an erotic figure in Scripture. It is not to describe anything unclean or impure
Loaded with Blame
They intentionally or unintentionally launch an accusation.
The Difference in Intimacy and Isolation is the Heart.
God asks a rhetorical question in vs. 10
“Who told thee that thou wast naked. Hast thou eaten of the tree,”
Immediately God new that the words of Adam and Eve were revealing a heart issue. You and I can recognize that the words in our home reveal a heart issue. Whether things are good or bad they are revealed in the words of our home.
A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.
The reason they shamed each other with their words was they were ashamed to be with each other. They did not exchange shame until they had it in their hearts.
They were ashamed of their nakedness. Then they threw shame at each other. Recognize that Isolation does not start in your words it starts in your heart.
When you isolate your spouse from the love they are entitled to and need desperately you are revealing an isolation in your heart first and foremost.
Accusation does not begin when you blame your spouse. Accusation is the result of not owning your own heart problem. In deflection we accuse one another of the things that we hate about us.
Your Words become Gracious
when your heart is full of Grace.
Seek to be right with God then right with your mate.
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
Seek to encourage more than you critique.
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
Learn to Speak the Language of affection.
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
How to repair conflict in communication.
Seek where my pride is causing pain.
Only by pride cometh contention:
But with the well advised is wisdom.
Own your Delivery - Communication is never just words.
Content 7%
Tone 38%
Nonverbal 55%
Own your miscommunication
Shared understanding is the goal of communication. Clear communication requires the expressed and specific transmission of information. That kind of communication takes place when you have a clear, precise understanding of what you want others to know. And you express the information fully to everyone who needs it. You know what you’re thinking, and they know what you’re saying. The result is understanding.
- Michael Hyatt
Step back from the emotion to hear the message.
1. The Principle of First Response:
The course of a conflict is not determined by the person who initiates, but by the person who responds.
A soft answer turneth away wrath:
But grievous words stir up anger.
Luke 20:19-26
2. The Principle of Physical Touch:
It is difficult to throw things at your spouse while you are tenderly touching him or her.
This type of tender touching has served us in two ways.
First, it is a deterrent from arguing.
Second, when we do drift into an argument, our physical separation is a visual and physical cue that our conversation is no longer glorifying God.
We notice it, correct it, and get back on the right track.
3. The Principle of Proper Timing: The success of a conversation can be maximized if the timing of the conversation is carefully chosen.
A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth:
And a word spoken in due season, how good is it!
Let not the sun go down upon your wrath.
4. The Principle of Mirroring:
Understanding can be enhanced if we measure it often throughout a conversation.
Bow down thine ear, and hear the words of the wise,
And apply thine heart unto my knowledge.
Mirroring can help you test whether you are hearing your spouse properly. Once your spouse makes a point … repeat it to him or her. Say something like this: "So, what I hear you saying is …" or, "Are you saying … ?" Then, in your own words, tell your spouse what you understand to have been said. Then, the most important part of mirroring comes. You must allow your spouse to either affirm or correct what you've said.
5. The Principle of Prayer:
Success in communication is more likely when we invite God to be an active participant and guide.
I wish someone would have shared with me what late 19th and early 20th century evangelist R.A. Torrey said on prayer:
The reason why many fail in battle is because they wait until the hour of battle. The reason why others succeed is because they have gained their victory on their knees long before the battle came ... Anticipate your battles; fight them on your knees before temptation comes, and you will always have victory.
One of the greatest difficulties that couples face with this principle is awkwardness. They are not used to praying together. So, as they begin to like each other less in the midst of unconstructive communication, the thought of praying together is not very appealing.
is communication
How to communicate
Repair the damage in your communication
Even the time between the three…
Introduce Illustrations
Idea 1 lose levels
Idea 2 Tie all of this back into the levels
Use the garden as an illustration of the environment in which open communication can happen.
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:1
A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit. Proverbs 15:4
Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. Proverbs 18:21