Romantic Couple

Biblically Knowing Each Other

Opener:

The video series “School of Life” gives some quick thoughts about where our models for modern romance have sprung from and possibly where it is going.

Our present dating habits can feel like a natural part of existence, but in reality, they’ve only been around for a very short time and, we predict, won’t continue for too much longer in their current form. Dating has a history, which it pays to try to understand as we navigate the ritual’s paradoxical and often confusing priorities. Let’s take a selective look w – as well as a peak forwards – at the history and future of dating:

27 March, 1489, Medina del Campo, Spain In a treatise signed between England and Spain, the two-year-old Tudor prince Arthur is formally engaged to Catherine of Aragon – who is at that point three years old.

In the pre-modern era:

Relationships are transactions between families, where the feelings of the couple are of no importance. The idea that you might love, let alone be attracted to, the person you end up with would be deemed irresponsible, if not plain peculiar.

July 1761, Amsterdam, Netherlands The publication of Julie, a novel by the French Romantic philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau, which becomes the fastest selling book ever written. The novel tells the story of Julie, a beautiful young woman from an aristocratic family who is expected to marry someone of her standing – but, contrary to all the rules, falls in love with her middle-class teacher, Saint-Preux. However, they cannot get married because of the differences in their social status. Rousseau is on the side of the unhappy couple.

The idea that relationships should essentially be founded on the feelings that exist between people, and have nothing to do with class, lineage or family concerns is promoted.

March 1855, Rome, Italy In the major Italian novel of the 19th century, I Viceré, by Federico di Roberto, two characters, Lucrezia and Benedetto, are in love but can’t marry because Lucrezia’s mother refuses to give her permission on the grounds of social propriety.

[Authors work] with the growing Romantic assumption that relationships should be based on sentiment and that the best chances of finding someone we can get on well with over a lifetime is not to find out what their job is or whether they come from a good family, but whether we experience an overwhelming physical and emotional attraction in their presence. Marriage must be a union consecrated by feeling.

1892, London, England The most successful comic play of the year – Charley’s Aunt – turns on the fact that Charley has invited Kitty to lunch on a date but, at the last minute, learns that his aunt won’t be able to join them. This creates a panic because a dating couple should have a chaperone, an older woman whose presence will ensure that nothing very intimate can be said or done. Charley’s solution is to get a male friend to put on a dress and impersonate his relative.

The audience modern plays are meant to agree that dating is for the best when couples are left on their own to discover how they feel; there should even be a kiss at the end if things go swimmingly.

June 23, 1960, Washington DC, USA The US Food and Drug Administration approves the first oral female contraceptive pill. The idea that a date can happily and uncomplicatedly lead to sex becomes not only an emotional but now also a practical possibility.

Los Angeles, 1998 Speed dating is invented and the romantic comedy You’ve Got Mail – the first major film based around online dating – is released. Both encourage the idea that it’s important to search very widely before selecting a possible partner.

By now all the elements of modern dating are finally in place:

Parents have nothing to do with it; All considerations of money and social status are deemed ‘un-Romantic’ and unimportant; You are meant to be swiftly emotionally drawn to someone in order for a relationship to be deemed legitimate and viable in the long term;

Sex is interpreted as a central part of getting to know someone. You’re meant to have a lot of dates (and possibly meet quite a few tragedies on the way) before finally and happily settling down with that archetypal figure of the modern dating scene: The One.

Brussels, March 2009 The European Union releases a report that reveals that 50% of married couples in countries across the union end up divorced after fifteen years.

Though entirely ignored by Europe’s dating couples, the report quietly raises the question of whether instinct is really any better guide to a good conjugal life than the old parental or societal rules used to be – as well as hinting at how much more miserable we can end up being when the sole justification for relationships is understood to be the intense emotional and sexual happiness of the two participants.

The authors of the video will go on to imagine a future not to far away when AI will take the place of our mothers and fathers in helping us select a mate. Gone will be the day of a global reach for the dater he or she will simply follow the algorithm and dutifully marry not based on feeling or sentiment. But chose to make commitments whether they originally hit it off or not.

I’d like to consider this idea “Romance is a horrible master”. When left to decide the success of a marriage it will fail you. Romance serves better as a tool of coming to an appreciation, understanding and devotion to one another.

So what I want to discuss the importance of romance with all the emotional fervor of a high school dissection lab.

Why? because the modern description of Romance is a perversion of God’s standard of love. It makes sense that if God has given a gift of love that Satan will produce a counterfeit to it.

Jonathan Leman points out that there are a list of perversions that the culture uses to replace God’s idea of love. Among those are…

Individualism - Every attachment is negotiable.

Self- Expression

Consumerism

Commitment Phobia

Skepticism

Pragmatism

The Second on the list was

Romance - I might claim to “love you,” but it’s really the way that you make me feel that I love. You make me feel accepted, smart, inspired, romantic, tingly, encouraged, special, warm and fuzzy, turned on, attracted, attractive, hot, all that I can be, hardworking, creative, full of life, intellectually edified, spiritually edified, like a hero, empowered, built up, great!

This is a deadly notion, because it leaves your spouse wondering how long they actually get to have you. Forever, or just until you emotions change.

So today I want to talk to you about the tool of Romance. Our marriages are not meant to be without love, passion or romance. But romance is not an end it is a means. Romance is a tool meant to draw my wife and I closer to each other.

One Flesh…

Closer is the point. God’s perfect pattern for your marriage is to be closer.

Ephesians 5:31 KJV 1900

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

You find this in the times the OT uses the Word “knew” as a description of sex in the Scriptures.

This is not mere euphemism as some suggests this is an active choice of the writer. William Barclay explains why…

The Old Testament regularly uses know for sexual knowledge. …[T]he knowledge of husband and wife is the most intimate there can be. Husband and wife are no longer two; they are one flesh. The sexual act itself is not the important thing; the important thing is the intimacy of heart and mind and soul which in true love precede that act. To know God is therefore not merely to have intellectual knowledge of him; it is to have an intimate personal relationship with him, which is like the nearest and dearest relationship in life.

Before you and I can understand the need for romance we have to go back to a very important commitment. That is the need to focus on One.

Focus on One

Many young couples over the years begin to reprioritize their relationships. You can see it when kids come on the scene. Friends, in-laws, and siblings can begin to get more of our trust and attention some times even over our spouse. So I am challenging you and your spouse to decide right now that your mate is your top priority.

You can see this in the prevalent use of porn. If anything says, I’m keeping an eye out it is pornography. I used to preach this to men but if we are honest this is not the only user of porn today. Porn is out for the married. For you have committed to the pursuit of another. I am thankful for the counsel I received in my early years of marriage from Pastor Spencer. He said you can spend your time avoiding temptation or you can eliminate anything that will tempt you from her and make her your only pursuit.

There is a point here for each of you in the marriage.

Husbands: Give her the certainty of your dedication.

Jesus did this for you in a book that you are called to daily to find all that Jesus has done for you and all the while it comes with the promise that he will NEVER leave you or forsake you. Some wives in this room need to hear you say the words that you aren’t leaving again. Your actions can feel like you’re moving past her.

Wives: Guard the access to your attention.

Ladies you are designed by God to enjoy attention. You can enjoy the attention of the masses or the attention of her husband. But we are watching the destruction this is having on our culture. Social media is teaching us that Whoever you accept attention from has access to your heart. Overtime the attention that you receive online begins to influence you equal to the leadership of your own husband. Sisters put your husbands opinion above all others. Let me take this a step farther. You need to delete without reading the DMs of men that are not your husband.

Get Busy about Your Purpose

For some reason when us men think romance we think flowers, candy, and candlelight. Though there is a time for this please understand that this is not the thing that drives your wife to want you.

Men do your best work in the home when you focus on four things.

Protect their Home

Provide for their Home

Preside over their Home

Find a Purpose and go after it.

This is my instruction to my son… To our single men in our church… To our young married men… To our older men. We all start with vision and purpose. and we get this young naive you woman to buy into the idea that she will have a place in that vision. Let me tell you that 8 years after your wedding you may have forgotten that vision but she hasn’t.

Over the last couple of years I have been meeting with young men of marrying age and in each situation I have asked them what do you want you and your family to be about.

In each of those situations when it came time for them to start a relationship with them my advise was this. Tell them what you are about. Tell them what is driving you. Tell her about the children’s series that you have been writing. Tell her the characters and help her see what is spinning inside that head of yours.

Tell her why you are pursuing a welding career of putting ships on the water that will defend freedom and liberty.

Explain to her that you want an artistic body of work that Highlights realism and creativity and how the images you paint support the view of the world as it really is. The response of the young ladies was amazing.

Your wife wants you to share your vision for you future. She wants to hear what you think your home will be like. What your job will be like. The sacrifices of keeping a home are lighter when she can see how her work fits in the overall picture of your life.

Set goals for your home

Set goals for your private life

Set goals for your finances.

Set goals for your children.

Then talk about them with her. She wants a man that sees her in his life as an internal part.

Let’s be honest…

We can accidentally get sidetracked with frivolous things that make no traction toward your goals. I have no problem with men wanting to play video games. My problem is that few have anything to show for their time. And when you are done you have squandered another opportunity to hit a target.

Some are cashing in your interests in hopes of getting more sex. You think that if you do all the things she wants then she will give you some pity sex. Give that up now and get your vision back. She doesn’t want to know she destroyed a artist, or creator. She wants the kind of guy that can make something happen. The pursuit is attractive to the woman that loves you.

Reorient your self to get back to a purpose.

There is nothing sexier to your wife than you communicating to her your dreams, visions, and plans and helping her see where she fits.

Secret it doesn’t have to be the same one you had when you first married. She wants a guy that is headed somewhere, Things will change so line yourself up again and start communicating.

Get to the Sex… Actually follow her into the sex.

Recommendation: I Can’t recommend more the book “The Married Guys Guide to Great Sex.” Seriously, if you have a desire to find sex with a strong connection and feel like you have a plan and map for taking you both there get the book. It is respectful, and kind but honest.

Many homes are dealing with is the secret pain that comes when any spouse either feels “Robbed” or “Used”. There appears to be a teeter totter affect in arena of sex within many homes. On one side of the teeter totter is feeling of being Used and on the other side is the feeling of being “robbed”.

ROBBED

The spouse that feels he (only because it is often the man) is being robbed will often point to Scripture to highlight that his wife’s body belongs to him.

1 Corinthians 7:4–5 KJV 1900

The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

The defrauded spouse holds up I Corinthians 7 like a deed to a new car pointing out the rights that he has been given. Please, notice that when I man reaches this claim to the deed he is at what he feels is the only card he has left to play. He is laying Bible claim to what he thought was going to a whole lot easier to get access tow before he said “I DO”.

I refuse to make light of this situation, when a man has come to this place he will have to deal biblically with the issue of bitterness.

Whether the defrauding spouse realizes it or not; or has perfectly good reasons for why night after night she brushes off his advances. He was given something at the altar that is now being withheld.

Ladies, understand that a bad argument is to say well its my body… Right, I hear you, but know that this will ring hallow to the man who desires with his heart to spend up his earthly strength to provide for your needs. That man who lies next to you at night wrestling bitterness is the same man that will put his body between you and the intruder at the door.

This is who we are bodies and souls. We are not souls with bodies we are not bodies with souls we are body and soul. But, gentlemen catch this, right here is where the issue often lies. And we can be ignorant of it.

USED

Feeling used is often used as a way of describing that someone feels only useful for their physical qualities. You have heard the expression “She feels like a piece of meat” this springs from the feeling that she is not being considered in decisions, actions, and home life.

This is why it is important for us men to get back into the drivers seat in their homes. And then lead like servants. When you toss the reigns of the home to your wife she is left to make the decisions. When you wrestle the control away from her you make her on the same footing as a child. The harder work is to work with her. To hear her and then lead her.

I want you to consider the same model for your sex life.

Consider the Song of Solomon. We find an example of how Solomon engaged with his wife.

Understand that Solomon allowed his bride to set the pace of their sex life. And your model for selfless love Christ, gave up His rights for his bride.

Solomon sang of her beauty. He called attention and allowed her to respond. His praise would draw her closer to him. When she feels adored, her passion is ignited and she invites him to her. This is important he does not rush in, force, or grab. He calls to her and suggestively so, but she did the inviting.

Your wife needs to know that you are genuinely interested in her, her life, her feelings. Feeling cared for is far better than small gifts and trinkets.

When sex is given as a duty she does not feel free to take or receive pleasure and stiffles her experience. Making the shift between demanding your rights and instead giving her your attention will take time but that time will allow her the ability to let go of the feelings of being “used”.

Your sexual life can be wonderfully satisfying when you listen to your wife, honor her, and serve her by taking your cues from her. The servant leader finds he has the most responsive wife and the most passionate sexual life.

Note for the Wife:

Your going to have to get comfortable being with him. Discipline your mind to stay with him. IF that means Scheduling get your calendar out. IF that means you have to meet in the morning - let him know. Some can’t take their mind from 100 to 0, but you can stay at 0 after a nights rest.

Your man won’t mind if he has you. There will come a day in each man when the act of sex will not be as important than to know that you share in that experience. This includes, desire, sensation, and climax.

He has already been told that he is supposed to have it all together don’t feed that lie. He won’t have it altogether because you are altogether a different woman.

Consider your place in the Home and take it to the bedroom.

Feminine

Femininity is a bad word these days. Women have been told that you are supposed to be equal or you don’t matter this is false. God has made you feminine. Just as repulsive as watching boys act like girls on social media. With their cartoonish acts of what they think feminism is so it is to watch women fake equality. Real beauty is found in a masculine man and a feminine woman.

Feminine is a point of reflection: take the love that he gives to you and reflect it back to him. This natural response to his love locks his heart to you in a way not other relationship can. This is a truly precious gift you bring to him.

You are familiar with the verse,

Proverbs 31:10 KJV 1900

Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.

The question is to whom is she so valuable, not the Lord or the world. The one to whom she is so precious is her husband.

“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.” Proverbs 31:11

Friendly

You provide the atmosphere of the home. I teach my daughter that she can either be the thermostat or the thermometer. I can tell real quick if things are going well or if they are going bad because my daughter can pick up on it real fast. And then she starts to reflect it. And it has a way of becoming the atmosphere. I’m thankful for the times that she has chosen to be the thermostat and bring her cheerful, loving attitude and changes the whole house. This is her secret power and one I thankful she uses often.

Fun

You are the one your husband wants to ENJOY life with. I’m so thankful that my wife lives the advice she gives to young wives. “She tells them to never stop playing with your husband.” Your husband is a fun guy and likes to play games. When he wants to do something crazy join him. I look back on the time years ago when I had hit a personal goal and wanted to do something fun. So I brought up the idea of going ziplining. Her response was “Let’s do it.” One of my favorite all time pictures is the picture of her and I with our blue helmets. Whether, it was axe throwing or taking the kids tubing down hill she is up for it every time.

Now for a minute think with me of how much you say to your husband when he approaches you and finds you reflecting back his desire, and he finds you a friendly place to approach, knows your up for fun.

It is in this balance where we finally get off the teeter totter and instead of feeling “used” or “robbed” we have a relationship that where neither party is trying to win, but rather both come feeling heard, adored, and desired for who they are.

Synopsis:

Deal with the issue of pain that can come from issues in the sex life.

A balance between being Used or Robbed

Biblical description of “KNOWING”

Bring together the instruction on how to move your marriage to a physical connection

“the false assumption that men are supposed to be the sexual experts has been passed down from generation to generation.”