The Undistracted Widow - Chapter 11

Overcoming Loneliness

1 Timothy 5:5 KJV 1900

5 Now she that is a widow indeed, and desolate, trusteth in God, and continueth in supplications and prayers night and day.

“Loneliness does not just happen when we are alone. People can feel lonely in a crowd. Married people can feel lonely. Children get lonely. Soldiers become lonely far from home on military duty.”

1 Corinthians 10:13 KJV 1900

13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

Loneliness is something everyone experiences at times in their lives. It is “common to man.”

The Cure

“…the loneliness of widows exhibits aspects that are particular to the loss of one’s life partner. When two have been one, separating them brings pain. Nothing I had ever experienced in the past was like it. The loneliness of bereavement grabs hold of the widow and threatens to shake their faith. The one and only cure for loneliness lies in relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.”

Since I have not yet experienced this type of loneliness, I can only imagine the hurt that it brings. It does make sense to me. I see it in many who experience divorce. I imagine it has a similar pain since two have been one and any separation of what God designed must bring much pain. However, she is on point when she says that “the one and only cure for loneliness lies in relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.” From there, she points to the loneliness Christ must have felt when the entire world turned against Him as hung upon the cross. If there is anyone who understands the deepest pain of loneliness, it is He. Not only did He experience the world and the weight of our sin, in that moment, He also experience God the Father turning His eyes from Him as bore our sin.

Thus, as the author noted...

“That is why the Lord can empathize with your feelings of loneliness.”

Hebrews 4:14–16 KJV 1900

14 Seeing then that we have a great high priest, that is passed into the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our profession. 15 For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

She goes on to note Psalm 62

Psalm 62 KJV 1900

To the chief Musician, to Jeduthun, A Psalm of David. 1 Truly my soul waiteth upon God: From him cometh my salvation. 2 He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defence; I shall not be greatly moved. 3 How long will ye imagine mischief against a man? Ye shall be slain all of you: As a bowing wall shall ye be, and as a tottering fence. 4 They only consult to cast him down from his excellency: They delight in lies: They bless with their mouth, but they curse inwardly. Selah. 5 My soul, wait thou only upon God; For my expectation is from him. 6 He only is my rock and my salvation: He is my defence; I shall not be moved. 7 In God is my salvation and my glory: The rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. 8 Trust in him at all times; ye people, Pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah. 9 Surely men of low degree are vanity, and men of high degree are a lie: To be laid in the balance, they are altogether lighter than vanity. 10 Trust not in oppression, And become not vain in robbery: If riches increase, set not your heart upon them. 11 God hath spoken once; Twice have I heard this; That power belongeth unto God. 12 Also unto thee, O Lord, belongeth mercy: For thou renderest to every man according to his work.

David was a man who understood loneliness. There as a length of time when everyone abandoned him as well including his wife, King Saul’s daughter. Perhaps, it was in this time of great loneliness, that the Holy Spirit led David to pen this wonderful Psalm that notes David’s confidence in God. She notes that David allowed his soul to wait “in silence.” Verse 5 is of particular interest as it states...

Psalm 62:5 KJV 1900

5 My soul, wait thou only upon God; For my expectation is from him.

As she stated verse 5 connect the silence of verse 1 with David’s expectation. In other words, David waited in silence expecting God to answer and provide relief from the mental pain of his loneliness.

The Serenity of Solitude

Matthew 14:13 KJV 1900

13 When Jesus heard of it, he departed thence by ship into a desert place apart: and when the people had heard thereof, they followed him on foot out of the cities.

Luke 5:15–16 KJV 1900

15 But so much the more went there a fame abroad of him: and great multitudes came together to hear, and to be healed by him of their infirmities. 16 And he withdrew himself into the wilderness, and prayed.

Both of these verses demonstrate how much Christ himself enjoyed times of solitude. It was often during those times that He prayed seeking refreshment from God the Father.

1 Timothy 5:5 KJV 1900

5 Now she that is a widow indeed, and desolate, trusteth in God, and continueth in supplications and prayers night and day.

The key verse for this lesson centers on the fact that the Holy Spirit also encourages widows to do the same. As she notes...

“Prayer is essential to addressing loneliness…When loneliness begins to overtake us, we can stop what we are doing and go to our Father in humble, believing prayer and ask for grace to know Him better.”

There is no doubt about the power of prayer. It has power to help you overcome times of great loneliness.

The rest of this section is once again Psalm which she turns into her own prayer. She has done this a few times already. This time she uses Psalm 102. She does a fantastic job utilizing God’s Word in her own prayer time. An action that I highly recommend if you are able to be as creative as she is.

Specific Strategies.

In this section, she shares some practical ways to overcome loneliness. For example, she shares how she invited a missionary friend into her home to stay until she left for the mission field. During my time as a missionary, a lady in Washington State lent out her entire home to me and another missionary for us use for an entire week as we were there seeking support from churches. This is a great suggestion; however, it may not work for everyone.

Holiday times, as she noted, can be stressful and the cause of loneliness. As she suggests, you may need to make some new plans, be flexible, and be careful about expectations. She also suggests finding new ways to server others or, take the time around holidays to do some traveling.

She also suggests volunteering your time here at our church, in the neighborhood, and community. Become a student and take a class, learn a new language, learn to paint, or gain a new skill. There are many things you can do to get you out of the house and serving others. Anytime we shift our focus to loving God and loving others from what we are experiencing or suffering through is a good way of overcoming loneliness, depression, and anxiety. Our author summed up this section with this.

“When we serve God and others, we are more likely to forget ourselves.”

Cyber-searching for Companionship

Online matchmaking is a popular trend today. It might be that you are not looking for someone, but it is quite possible that you will encounter other widows who are. As with many today, online matchmaking services are convenient and easy leading many to be involved. It is a controversial subject. And, it is a subject that I have encountered many times with people right here in our congregation. As the author noted, the Bible does not speak specifically to this issue. However, Scripture does give us principles that we can use even for matchmaking.

She quotes Nancy Leigh DeMoss’ advice to believers who utilize online matchmaking services. I will just briefly list her thoughts.

It is important to make a choice, based on the teachings of Scripture, not to pursue marriage or men.

(She suggests that a woman must not be the pursuer, thus, she should not engage in online matchmaking services.)

Accept your singleness as a gift from God and do not demand that He give you a husband.

(She suggest that widows focus on being the right person, not finding the right person. I sincerely believe that if God wants you to marry again, He will bring someone into your life. Let God do the work!)

Making use of matchmaking sites might be an expression of a lack of faith.

(I am not sure I would venture that far. I think it is sufficient to say wait on God and let Him do the rest.)

The best choice is to pursue intimacy with God, seeking earnestly to know Him, and allowing God to fulfill your deepest needs.

(What I just said!)

She goes on to list another set of guidelines proffered by Lydia Brownback. I think we can all agree that our author is not a big fan of online matchmaking services. I honestly do not know where I land on this. I believe for some people it has its benefits and, if used wisely and Biblically, can be a place to meet people. In fact, I know a couple in our church right now who met online, dated, married, and are growing in the Lord together. So, I cannot emphatically dismiss it out of hand. However, I do believer that it must be approached with great caution utilizing Biblical wisdom. I do believe the best path is always to wait on God and let Him bring about relationships. He can do so without any online matchmaking services that is for sure.

Back to the Future

This last section continues to deal with the issue of to date or not to date. That is an issue that each of you must discern for yourself. Again, I believe the wise advice is not to pursue dating. However, if God places a man in your life that pursue you, you must decide if you want that or not. God does work in mysterious ways. Your decision to remain single as a widow or to engage in a relationship is not sinful either way. I believer our author sums it up best when she writes...

Whether single or married, the goal of the life of a Christian must be the same: glorifying God and enjoying Him. The loneliness of widowhood is intended by design to help you know God better - to know him in ways you have not known Him before.

Discussion Questions

In what ways have experienced loneliness since the death of you spouse? Are there times when the pain of loneliness hits you harder that other times in life?

List some ways that your relationship with Christ has helped you in those times of loneliness. Share with the group any Scripture passages that have been of particular encouragement.

Have you found an activity or a volunteer ministry that has helped you overcome some of the loneliness in your life? If not, what are some things that might interest you such as serving in our church, volunteering in a community organization, or learning a new hobby?

What plans have you made for holidays to help you cope with loneliness?

What is the significance of loving God and loving others in coping with loneliness?

What opinion do you have concerning online matchmaking? What do you think of the suggestions made in the textbook concerning online matchmaking?

How do you feel about dating again? How would you respond to a man who might show interest in starting a relationship with you?

What is the ultimate goal of both single and married believers including widows?