Discipline: Shaping the Heart vs. Changing Behavior (Part 2)

Law & Grace

You are an ambassador from God to your kids. How you interact with them tells them who God is.

God interacts with us through Law & Grace

Discipline builds on instruction

Discipline uses law to point to grace

If rules and regulations had the power to change the heart and life of your child, rescuing your child from himself and giving him a heart of submission and faith, Jesus would have never needed to come! (Tripp)

The Benefit of the Law

Reveals sin

Romans 7:7 “7 What shall we say, then? Is the law sinful? Certainly not! Nevertheless, I would not have known what sin was had it not been for the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, “You shall not covet.””

Are we more upset with our kids for breaking our law or God’s law?

Demonstrates need

Galatians 3:21–23 “21 Is the law, therefore, opposed to the promises of God? Absolutely not! For if a law had been given that could impart life, then righteousness would certainly have come by the law. 22 But Scripture has locked up everything under the control of sin, so that what was promised, being given through faith in Jesus Christ, might be given to those who believe. 23 Before the coming of this faith, we were held in custody under the law, locked up until the faith that was to come would be revealed.”

The Insufficiency of the Law

The law is good, but it is not enough to save

Romans 3:21–24 “21 But now apart from the law the righteousness of God has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. 22 This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

Our kids have a sin problem before they have a behavior problem.

Even if we can solve the behavior problem without solving the sin problem, at bet we have made pharisees.

The Need for Grace

We must call our children to trust in Christ for the work only he can do inside them

Ephesians 2:8–10 “8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

Jeremiah 31:33–34 “33 “This is the covenant I will make with the people of Israel after that time,” declares the Lord. “I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts. I will be their God, and they will be my people. 34 No longer will they teach their neighbor, or say to one another, ‘Know the Lord,’ because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest,” declares the Lord. “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.””

We must preach grace to our children through discipline

Their need for grace

The grace with which we interact with them

Our need for grace

The Process of Discipline

Corrective discipline is:

(1)  Identifying actions or attitudes of your child that are unacceptable when weighed against clear and explicit standards—then (2)  acting promptly and decisively to move your child in the direction of compliance with those standards.

Crabtree, Sam. Parenting with Loving Correction: Practical Help for Raising Young Children (p. 46). Crossway. Kindle Edition.

Why don’t we correct our children well?

All children are born with a resistance to authority

As an ambassador of God you must communicate good authority to your children

What is God like?

What shouldn’t characterize our correction?

Anger

Lose control of myself leading to excessive consequences

Bad example

Act like a fool

Proverbs 14:29 “29 Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.”

Cause more sin

Proverbs 29:22 “22 An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins.”

Threats

Reward for disobedience

Bargaining/arguing

Insult

Capitulation

Warnings are instruction – either instructing them what will happen if they continue or, if repeated, instructing them that those consequences will not happen

What should characterize our correction as an ambassador of God to our children?

Holiness

Actively engaged

Clarity

Flexibility

Consistency/Truthfulness

Sacrifice

Expectation of responsibility

Explanation of Motivation

Mercy – never minimizing sin but being compassionate in the response

Encouragement

Gospel

Spanking/Physical Discipline

Biblical Basis

The only place where the Bible prescribes physical discipline for children is in the book of Proverbs.

Proverbs 13:24 NIV

24 Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.

Proverbs 22:15 NIV

15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away.

Proverbs 23:13–14 NIV

13 Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die. 14 Punish them with the rod and save them from death.

Proverbs 29:15 NIV

15 A rod and a reprimand impart wisdom, but a child left undisciplined disgraces its mother.

We must be cautious about interpreting Proverbs too literally.

It is poetry and freely uses metaphorical language.

“Rod” is a metaphor for discipline in general

When Proverbs uses the term “rod” it is referring to physical discipline.

Sometimes rod is protection against enemies

Psalm 23:4 “4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

Sometimes not

Proverbs 10:13 “13 Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning, but a rod is for the back of one who has no sense.”

Proverbs 22:8 “8 Whoever sows injustice reaps calamity, and the rod they wield in fury will be broken.”

Proverbs 23:13 “13 Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die.”

Proverbs are wise counsel rather than prescriptive law.

Proverbs’ instruction on physical discipline is not universal

Even someone who is strongly “pro-spanking” recognizes that there is a time and a place for it.

Fostering

Conclusion:

The Bible mandates that parents bring up their children in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Proverbs approves of and commends physical discipline as a wise means of training children.

Exercise of wisdom may preclude physical discipline in specific situations or for specific people.

Practical Advice for spanking

You should administer physical discipline through thoughtful, planned spanking (In the same sense as you should take your children camping).

It is immediate and quick allowing speedy restoration.

It illustrates the biblical pattern of sowing and reaping.

It causes pain without causing injury.

Hebrews 12:11 “11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

It is structured in a way to minimize parental anger.

How to spank

Wait to spank until active conflict has ended.

Spank in a private place where conversation is possible and embarrassment is minimized.

Specifically explain what sin has been committed and why spanking is the appropriate response.

Use an instrument which will not injure.

Spank hard enough and repeatedly enough that pain is felt for a short period of time.

The seriousness of the offense does not determine the severity of the punishment.

The consequence of their sin is God’s judgement not yours. You are connecting intangible judgement with tangible pain not punishing to satisfy the consequence of their sin.

Pursue reconciliation immediately.

The key practical benefit of spanking is quick resolution so let the situation be resolved.