Marriage with a Hard Heart

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Jesus teaches on what it means to be the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

turn and become

be humble

rid your life of sin by fighting temptation

seek after those that are walking away from the faith

confronting a brother in their sin

the necessity of Forgiveness

All that to build up to what we face every day in our Christian lives. Remember that “Christian” is not a word that depicts what you believe religiously, it means little Christ. It means that we are to be imitators because we have been saved by Jesus shed blood, grace through faith. Unmerited favor making the gift of faith possible, bringing salvation from our sins. It means that we are to pattern our lives after Christ’s example. He didn’t abandon those that walked away from him. He went looking for them. He also didn’t chase down people to force them to cooperate with him. All cooperation will be dealt with on Judgment day. We will be held accountable for what we did with what we were given.

Jesus example up to this point is of love, compassion, forgiveness, a desire to really know someone and for them to know Him. He is full of grace and truth. He never forces his way on others but invites them to join him in following him in his ways.

All that said, why is it that we seem to jump from forgiving others to divorce in chapter 19. Well, let’s ease into things a bit and take a look at what is really being said.

Travel to Jerusalem

Matthew 19:1–2 ESV

1 Now when Jesus had finished these sayings, he went away from Galilee and entered the region of Judea beyond the Jordan. 2 And large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.

Matthew A. The King Affirms the Marriage Commitment (19:1–12)

The first part of 19:1 is actually the closing of the Matthew 18 discourse (cf. 7:28; 11:1; 13:53; 26:1). Judea was the province that included Jerusalem. The wording of 19:1b is confusing, but it means that Jesus crossed to the east side of the Jordan River from Galilee, then proceeded south through Perea (east of Judea, across the Jordan), later crossing back to the west side of the Jordan near Jericho (see 20:29). This was the route most Jews followed between Judea and Galilee.

Verse 2 says that large crowds followed him and he healed them there. Even though most of Jesus travels, ministry and miracles revolved around the Area of Galilee, he didn’t limit his ministry to that area. That being said, notice that it says “he healed them there.” One small but BIG detail is that it doesn’t say that any believed.

Too many come to Jesus for what He can do for them and totally miss the whole point. Jesus desires for us to realize that His life and His ministry is all about whether we will trust Him in faith to Salvation. We want our current physical and relational problems to go away, but we miss the fact that he just wants our whole heart! He wants to be the thing we desire most over every other possible idol!

One of the biggest idols we have in our lives to day is our own happiness. One of the biggest places we see this materialize is in our marriage relationships.

Teaching on Divorce

Matthew 19:3 ESV

3 And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?”

This continues the theme of conflict and controversy with the religious leaders. This is where it is important to understand the culture of marriage in that day.

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Divorce was a controversial topic in Jesus’ day, with two main schools of thought, centered around two of its most famous proponents. The first was the school of Rabbi Shammai (a more strict and unpopular view) and second was the school of Rabbi Hillel (a more lax and popular view).

i. Among the Jews of that day, marriage was more of a sacred duty rather than a sacred covenant. If a man was unmarried after the age of 20 — except to concentrate on the study of the law — he was guilty of breaking God’s command to “be fruitful and multiply.” According to Barclay, they said that by not having children he killed his own descendants, and had lessened the glory of God on earth.

ii. In theory, the Jews of that day had a high ideal of marriage. Yet they had a low view of women. “The Jews had very low views of women…A wife was bought, regarded as property, used as a household drudge, and dismissed at pleasure.” (Bruce)

Hillel, “a man could divorce his wife if she spoiled his dinner, if she spun, or went with unbound hair, or spoke to men in the streets, if she spoke disrespectfully of his parents in his presence, or if she was a brawling woman whose voice could be heard in the next house.

Maybe they wanted to catch him in the Herod-Herodias affair so that he might meet the Baptist’s fate.” (Carson)

This was all a test. They wanted to see which side Jesus would fall on, but Jesus wouldn’t fall for either side, because he was solely focused on carrying out the Father’s will.

Matthew 19:4–6 ESV

4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

“By answering the question, not from Shammai or Hillel, but from Moses, our blessed Lord defeated their malice, and confounded their devices.” (Clarke)

The Pharisees wanted to talk about divorce and rabbinical opinions, but Jesus wanted to go back to the Scriptures and talk about marriage. Jesus began with the first marriage — the one between Adam and Eve. This emphasis on the Scriptures and on marriage, rather than divorce, is a wise approach for anyone interested in keeping a marriage together.

If marriage is grounded in creation, in the way God has made us, then it cannot be reduced to a merely contractual relationship that breaks down when the contractual promises are broken. Marriage is designed around a covenant. Even though covenants in the OT could be broken by man, our example in the NT in the New Covenant established in Jesus blood is one that can not be broken.

Jesus’ everlasting covenant paints the picture of the man not turning away from doing good to the wife, and the wife not turning away from Him. That’s based on the everlasting covenant of Jeremiah 32:40

Jeremiah 32:40 ESV

40 I will make with them an everlasting covenant, that I will not turn away from doing good to them. And I will put the fear of me in their hearts, that they may not turn from me.

First off, God created them, those to be married, male and female and then instructed everyone after Adam and Eve to leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.

It’s really hard to become one flesh completely when you still have emotional ties and financial ties to mom and dad. If allegiances still exist with them than the likely hood of total dedication to your spouse will be hindered if not intensely damaged over time, especially if there is a meddling mother in-law. I’m not sure why, but more times than not, its the relationship between a mom and her son that causes grief for the daughter in law.

Becoming one flesh is more than consummating the marriage with the physical union in sexual intercourse. The two emotionally and spiritually become one flesh, one being. That’s why in divorce, there is always some degree of a lingering presence of the former spouse. This is also why sex outside of marriage is so damaging. I would also lump pornography into that pile. I think sometimes we, mostly men, can excuse such behavior but anytime someone actually has sex with someone outside of marriage its a condemnable offense. Those that look at pornography put it on a lower level because it wasn’t done in the flesh, but just as it is pointed out by Jesus that it’s what’s in our hearts that defiles us, the sin of viewing pornography is a sin of the heart, not just the eyes. Viewing pornography isn’t a spectators sport, it sucks you in and entertains the lust of the flesh through the lust of the eyes. It compounds into a sin of the heart and it is just as damaging as infidelity.

Moses Permitted Divorce

Matthew 19:7–9 ESV

7 They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” 8 He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”

There is a difference between commanding something and permitting it. We should never look at the fact that God permitted(or allowed) divorce in the past, as an excuse to make it in to a command. Jesus is very quick to point out that it was because of the hardness of heart that Moses allowed divorce. Remember from last week that hardness of heart is “destitution of (spiritual) perception”.

It’s no mystery that Matthew ended chapter 18 with forgiveness and began chapter 19th with divorce.

Marriage’s purpose is to tell the truth about God, the relationship between Jesus and His Church, his bride.

Hardhearted people want to come in and destroy what God has established by twisting the truth of His word to suit their situation. In this case, people want to see how close to the line of sin they could get in order to make sure they would still be allowed or even forgiven if they chose to step over that line. I’d say, if you are looking for where the line is, then your heart might not be in the right place to begin with.

Our hearts should be focused on “What does God’s word say and how do I apply it to my life to be obedient to Him?”

Jesus is clearly saying, as we studied about a year ago, that the only way to make it through divorce without causing someone to commit adultery is to divorce on the basis of sexual immorality, and thats why I included pornography. Sexual immorality is the greek word “Porneia”, which includes all kinds of sexual perversion. Even with that said, it doesn’t mean that you are required or commanded to get divorced. That’s why, I believe, Matthew spent the last several verses of chapter 18 talking about forgiveness!

Celibacy

Matthew 19:10–12 ESV

10 The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” 11 But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. 12 For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.”

The disciples understood Jesus’ teaching on marriage and divorce clearly. They understood that it was not a commitment to be entered into quickly or lightly, and considered that since marriage is so binding before God, then maybe it is better not to marry.

“It is not evil to marry, but good to be wary; to look ere one leap.” (Trapp)

The term eunuch was used figuratively for those who voluntarily abstain from marriage. Jesus here gave three kinds of eunuchs.

Those who are born without the capacity for sex and marriage.

Those who are made by others without the capacity for sex and marriage.

Those who choose to live without sex and marriage for the kingdom of heaven’s sake.

Ultimately what Jesus is stating here has less to do with the proper boundaries for whether or not to get a divorce, he’s calling us back to His design for marriage, how the Father established it through Jesus, warning them in the process that it’s the hard heart that will be the downfall of any marriage, let alone their life.

We are all held accountable for what we’ve been given. Let’s not be like King Hezekiah.

This past Monday’s men’s bible study we were in Isaiah 38-39. In that passage King Hezekiah was told by the prophet Isaiah that he was going to die soon. The news of his death brought him anguish and he prayed and pled with the Lord to remember his faithfulness to the Lord. As a result of the King crying out, God told Isaiah to give him the following message.

Isaiah 38:4–6 ESV

4 Then the word of the Lord came to Isaiah: 5 “Go and say to Hezekiah, Thus says the Lord, the God of David your father: I have heard your prayer; I have seen your tears. Behold, I will add fifteen years to your life. 6 I will deliver you and this city out of the hand of the king of Assyria, and will defend this city.

King Hezekiah found a false safety in his thinking. With the assurance from the Lord that he would deliver Israel from the king of Assyria, and the gesture of flattery from Marduk-Baladan, freedom fighter from Babylon, he displayed all he had to the ally of Babylon, setting his dependents up to be overthrown by Babylon after his death.

Look what happens at the end of Chapter 39.

Isaiah 39:5–8 ESV

5 Then Isaiah said to Hezekiah, “Hear the word of the Lord of hosts: 6 Behold, the days are coming, when all that is in your house, and that which your fathers have stored up till this day, shall be carried to Babylon. Nothing shall be left, says the Lord. 7 And some of your own sons, who will come from you, whom you will father, shall be taken away, and they shall be eunuchs in the palace of the king of Babylon.” 8 Then Hezekiah said to Isaiah, “The word of the Lord that you have spoken is good.” For he thought, “There will be peace and security in my days.”

Hezekiah, after all the Lord had done for him, was content to enjoy the peace and deliverance in his own time but wasn’t worried about putting in the work to make sure his descendants were safe after he left. At least “there will be peace and security in my days.” he says.

This laid back attitude is one willing for the generations to come to be enslaved by the enemy. We have to be mindful of the next generation.

Proverbs 4:20–27 ESV

20 My son, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. 21 Let them not escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. 22 For they are life to those who find them, and healing to all their flesh. 23 Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. 24 Put away from you crooked speech, and put devious talk far from you. 25 Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you. 26 Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure. 27 Do not swerve to the right or to the left; turn your foot away from evil.