Resolving Conflicts

Slide If you had a choice between failing or succeeding in this life which would choose?

It depends on how you define success.

I haven’t always had my eyes fixed on the right definition of success.

Slide Webster defines success as a desired or favorable outcome.

I’ve always wanted to succeed at what I do. But the only way succeed to put yourself in a place of failing.

Slide The world’s definition of success is misleading because it focuses on what is temporary and ignores what is eternal.

In contrast, the Bible defines success in terms of what is spiritual, lasting, and ends in eternal life and joy. Biblical success is grounded in obedience to and glorification of God.

Slide Biblical Success – To walk in God's way, which includes fearing God, loving Him, and obeying Him. True success in the Christian life is knowing and serving God through faith in Jesus Christ. To enjoy God now and forever.

If you don’t know what success looks like from a biblical perspective, you and I are going to hard time figuring out what to spend your time, energy, relationships, focus, or finances on.

The problem isn’t a lack of activity but rather having activity that doesn’t lead us toward Godliness or to fulfilling God’s purpose for our lives. In Deuteronomy 10:12–13

Slide And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require of you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the commandments and statutes of the LORD, which I am commanding you today for your good? Deuteronomy 10:12–13

The question is …

Slide Am I living the life that Jesus would live if He were living my life?

· Am I growing in my understanding that Christ did everything for me, and I can’t do anything to save myself?

· Is my character growing every day in a way that aligns with God’s Word and plan for my life?

· Am I acting in a Christ-like way towards others (feeding the hungry, serving the poor, etc.)?

Over the next few weeks, we are going to look at what it means to live a successful life in our relationship with God and others in the areas of handling conflict, forgiveness, possessions, work and serving in chapters 18-20 of Matthew.

Jesus has just told a parable about a lost sheep that demonstrated—among other things—that God at least knows no bounds when it comes to seeking out those who stray, who wander, who find themselves in need of his mercy, compassion, and care.

Matthew 18 begins with Jesus’s answer to the question of who will be the greatest in the kingdom. Jesus tells us it those who, like little children, believe in faith. Jesus tells us they are so important that he will do anything he can to find them and bring them home. And when they are home, we are to do everything we can to live lives that are filled with love, forgiveness, unity and peace.

But … relationships are messy, people can be a pain, it is so easy to get offended, hurt, slighted, and Jesus knows it. He knows we are more prone toward fighting than forgiveness and rage more than reconciliation. So Jesus helps us live a success life in our relationships by answering this question …

Slide What if someone offends you, hurts you, or sins against you?

Slide We live a culture that resolves conflicts by shouting each other down, slandering the other’s character, shaming publicly to silence a voice, or shooting to end someone’s life.

Where did we go wrong? Where did we get off base? In todays’ text Jesus gives us some insight into principles more than process to deal with people and problems in troubling situations.

Slide This passage isn’t a formula for forgiveness but rather a road map for restoration.

After all, if the person has sinned against you, he has also sinned against the Lord. The ultimate goal is not just reconciliation with you, but your brother’s reconciliation with the Lord. If you think someone has sinned against you,

Slide It begins with confrontation in a personal conversation.

One author calls these crucial conversations – whenever there is differing opinions, high stakes, high emotionality.

Too often, people begin their conversations with conclusions, accusations, and emotions, launching them into a debate about who’s right and who’s wrong.

Slide In confrontation we do good to listen, lean in, learn, and most of all show love.

Slide It begins by looking at your own life.

Jesus teaches his disciples saying …

Slide Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:3–5

So what do you do? When you need to talk about a tough topic? Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. If you seek understanding behind their actions, you will find you can be a bit more patient and sympathetic.

So our text begins with …

Slide If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. Matthew 18:15

To sin against someone is to have committed a sin which directly or indirectly affects them negatively. A “sin” is a violation of God’s law, not a violation of your preferences or sensibilities. If someone makes a comment that you don’t like about what you are wearing or a political comment you do not agree with.

Sin – miss the mark – it can also mean wander from the path of righteousness and honor. It ties well with the wandering sheep from the previous text.

This isn’t about someone who annoys you or does things you don’t like. This is about them sinning against you.

Spreading a false rumor, lying about us, stealing money or possessions, harming our reputation, our children, etc.

When someone does sin against us, our normal response is to tell someone other than the person who offended us. We want sympathy, we want to justify our animosity or anger. We want to tell how someone has injured your soul.

When it comes to confronting someone who has sinned against us …

Jesus so Go to you them …

Slide Go – don’t sit, seethe and sour!

go and speak to them. “Tell him his fault.” The word literally means to “shed light” on his fault. Perhaps this is a blind spot for the person, or perhaps you misunderstood what he said or what she did. Oftentimes, the person might not even know he offended you, which could lead to a quick apology or a clarification of what was intended by the offending comment or action. Nonetheless, the goal is to shed the light of truth so there can be restoration … because the …

Slide The goal of confrontation is always restoration both with you and with God.

In Leviticus we see the relationship between sin against God and neighbor … we are told …

Slide If anyone sins and commits a breach of faith against the Lord by deceiving his neighbor in a matter of deposit or security, or through robbery, or if he has oppressed his neighbor … Leviticus 6:2

Our desire to confront is because we know how sin works. That it hurts our brother, our sister, our faith family between us and with God. And the closer someone is to you the more it hurts.

We need to address the problem head on. Acknowledge the offense but do it privately. One-on-one conversations are the best way to handle sensitive issues. This is where many people get off track. Instead of going to the person who offended them directly, they go to other people and talk about the person who offended them. They may do it under the guise of needing a sounding board or blowing off steam, but Jesus instructs us clearly to go to the person directly. If you are able to resolve the situation between the two of you, then you have “gained your brother.” Unity is restored. Peace is kept.

Here are some tips for having crucial conversations:

· Start with a goal in mind – reconciliation.

· Aim to understand – ask questions.

· Clarify without minimizing – repeat what you heard.

· Choose the right time and setting – timing is important.

· Stay focused on the topic at hand – don’t bring up other stuff.

· Be empathetic – consider how you have behaved in similar circumstances.

· Express your thoughts and feelings -

But what if they don’t repent, what if they are angry, vindictive, wanting us to be harmed by their words, actions, and motives?

Then Jesus tells us to …

Slide It continues with confrontation in the context of community.

Who are those that know you, know them, desire reconciliation in the family just as much as you do?

Slide But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. Matthew 18:16

Common practice. His Jewish audience would have thought of Deuteronomy 18-19 that refers to witnesses …

Slide A single witness shall not suffice against a person for any crime or for any wrong in connection with any offense that he has committed. Only on the evidence of two witnesses or of three witnesses shall a charge be established. Deuteronomy 19:15

Again, the same steps, get the log out of your own eye, evaluate your own heart, motives, have the goal of reconciliation, seek to understand, be loving, kind, empathetic, wanting reconciliation more than being right! But what if they still don’t admit, acknowledge the wrong, the sin, the hurt they have caused?

Then Jesus tells us that then …

Slide It leads to a confrontation that requires a change in relationship.

This is always a confusing step …

Slide If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Matthew 18:17

And in Jesus’ day if the Pharisees or most anyone else in the religious establishment of the day told you to treat someone like a pagan or a tax collector, you’d know what that meant, too, because all you had to do was observe how the Pharisees treated people who fit into either one of those categories. Pagans and tax collectors were bums, lowlifes, undesirables. They had no place among God’s chosen people, no seat at God’s holy table. They could not eat with you, and you would never be caught dead eating with them because that kind of tight association with sinners was precisely what a religious person in good moral standing would not and could not do.

Matthew surely knew himself how good and wonderful it was that Jesus did not avoid and disdain tax collectors. Where would Matthew be if that had been how Jesus operated? He was a tax collector.

Slide We are called to have confidence in our commitment.

Slide Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” Matthew 18:18-20

Is Matthew 18:18-20 a promise from Christ to unleash His power when we gather in corporate prayer?

I don’t believe that this passage is about prayer. Though that is how we often misuse this verse. We take the verses out of context when we make them into a promise of power in prayer despite the popularity of this view. There is nothing in the context about prayer. Furthermore, if we take the promise literally, it becomes a magical formula for getting God to do what we want. This problem is tacitly admitted by all who claim the verses as a promise of prayer.

Eric Bargerhuff, author of The Most Misused Verses in the Bible, also reminds us that the original audience would have been reading this passage in the context of chapter 18 of Matthew:

Slide “Jesus is saying that whenever the church is pursuing and is involved in a reconciliation process with someone who has refused to repent, they can rest assured that God’s blessing is with them in their efforts. In other words, as the church renders the judicial decisions on matters of right and wrong that are based on the truth of God’s Word, they should be confident that they are doing the right thing and that Christ himself is right there with them, spiritually present in their midst.” Eric Bargerhuff, The Most Misused Verses in the Bible

Jesus is present with believers always, but He is also present in the particular circumstance of church discipline when done according to God's Word and for His glory.

In verses 18-20, Christ pledges that the decisions of believers arrived at through a process of arbitration are the decisions of God. Christians reach an accord or settlement through the mutual agreement of the offended parties, or the church exercises its power of excommunication based on two or three witnesses. In so doing, the church is carrying out the will of God and acting under God’s authority.

Slide And he said to his disciples, “Temptations to sin are sure to come, but woe to the one through whom they come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin. Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” Luke 17:1–4

What do I need to do?

Slide Confess your own sin to God and to others you have sinned against.

Slide Pray the relationships broken by sin will be restored.

Slide Go and have crucial conversations so that there will peace and unity in the family of faith.

Jesus knows what it is like to be betrayed, spoken ill of, denied, rejected and yet … he loves us, heals, redeems us. Let’s pray ask God for the courage, compassion, care, concern that we need to have restored, healthy, whole relationships in His body the church.

Pray

Song – Son suffering

Communion before bridge …