Can we talk confronting? Confronting communication conflicts

Intro:

Three types of communicators:

Bear(bully)

Aggressiveness is a mode of communication and behavior where one expresses their feelings, needs, and rights without regard or respect for the needs, rights, and feelings of others.

Examples of an aggressive communication style include saying things like:

"This is all your fault."

"It's my way or the highway."

"Do what I say.""I don't care what you have to say.""You never do anything right."

"I don't agree with you so I don't have to listen to your opinion."

"Everyone has to agree with me."

"I'm right and you're wrong."

"You owe me."

"I'm entitled to this."

"I'll get my way no matter what."

2. Komodo Dragon(strategically poisonous)

this type of communicator will study their victim and watch them. They will find out where their opponent hurts places of vulnerable. Then they will fire one or two well place verbal assaults to weaken their opponent.

Examples of strategically poisonous communicators

You starting to act just like your father(to a husband)

My mother chicken is better than yours(husband to wife)

Why you not ambition like your best friend

Why you don’t treat me like your girlfriend treats her husband.

3. Vulture(Passive aggressive)

Passive-Aggressive Communicators

Appearing passive on the surface, but subtly acting out angerExerting control over others by using sarcasm and indirect communication, or avoiding the conversationLimited consideration for the rights, needs, or feelings of others

I just love when your mother comes over and helps us out with our problems

Honey I really love that black dress you put on you look so motherly in it.

Sure would be nice eat before Monday Night Football comes on.

4. Assertive(German Shepherd)

Assertive Communicators

Direct, honest communication of thoughts and feelings

Respecting the feelings, ideas, and needs of others while also asserting your own

communicates without any hidden agendas

They are consistent and non-manipulative(you know what you are getting from them)

Unlike the Bully they invite collaboration, healthy criticism and feedback.

Sometimes they are accused of being aggressive, but generally speaking they believe that undercover communication is unhelpful in the long-run

Communication styles are developed from childhood into adulthood. Communication is our way of getting our emotional needs meet. It is shaped by our experiences, traumas and personalities

We bring our tongues into the marriage. Husband’s have needs and Wives have needs we will normally get those needs meet in way the has worked for us throughout the years rather than the way the is most effective and biblical.

Learning to manage the tongue takes:

Knowledge

Intentionality

Humility

I think James can helps us out with the tongue

I. Words Set a Course

James 3:1–6 CSB

1 Not many should become teachers, my brothers, because you know that we will receive a stricter judgment. 2 For we all stumble in many ways. If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is mature, able also to control the whole body. 3 Now if we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we direct their whole bodies. 4 And consider ships: Though very large and driven by fierce winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. 5 So too, though the tongue is a small part of the body, it boasts great things. Consider how a small fire sets ablaze a large forest. 6 And the tongue is a fire. The tongue, a world of unrighteousness, is placed among our members. It stains the whole body, sets the course of life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

James 3:1 CSB

1 Not many should become teachers, my brothers, because you know that we will receive a stricter judgment.

(EXP)(1) James begins this passage with a warning to those that seek the office of Teacher. It is key that you must remember in the original manuscripts there were no chapter just one flowing document. James interjects this point as he is making his argument.

In the ancient world where literacy was low being a teacher was considered a height of great success they were well respected and honored. James tells them “Not many should become teachers, my brothers” This is not a career you need to be running into. This is not for everybody. The only folks who need to be pursuing this are those that have been truly called.

(EXP)(1b) “because you know that we will receive a stricter judgment” James let’s the called and the uncalled know why it would be unwise to pursue this role as a teacher for the wrong reasons. The Teacher primary job functions requires the use of his tongue.

Why does the teacher fall under greater judgement?

Can we apply this same standard to a husband and wife?

Why will parents fall under greater condemnation over their tongues based on how they speak to their children?

Because the teacher/leader is able to do more damage based on the audience he is addressing and the natural respect given to him as a teacher/leader.

James 3:2 CSB

2 For we all stumble in many ways. If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is mature, able also to control the whole body.

(EXP)(2) James seems to be moving from just teacher to the congregation as a whole. He acknowledges the corporate challenges we all have as believers to live godly. Then he transition to the tongue

(2b) “If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is mature, able also to control the whole body” James tells us from this text that a tell-tale sign of a mature believers is one who mastered the art of guarding and using their tongues wisely.

Tell me what a sign of maturity in this text?

Mature-Telios; made whole or complete. This word carries the idea of a fruit that has come to its full ripeness. This does not imply perfection. It means one who has cross over from journeyman or pupil to Master or Teacher.

James 3:3–4 CSB

3 Now if we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we direct their whole bodies. 4 And consider ships: Though very large and driven by fierce winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs.

(EXP)(3-4) James then employs two expanded metaphors to help us see how the very small and seemingly insignificant objects can control things several tons heavier. Notice he says:

The Horses Bit which weighs 1-2 lbs can control an 1800 lbs horse.

The Ships tiny little Rudder can change the direction of a mighty ship.

James 3:5–6 CSB

5 So too, though the tongue is a small part of the body, it boasts great things. Consider how a small fire sets ablaze a large forest. 6 And the tongue is a fire. The tongue, a world of unrighteousness, is placed among our members. It stains the whole body, sets the course of life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

(EXP)(5) James keeps going by telling us that our tongues are like the bit in a horses mouth, and the rudder of a ship. It is a small muscle but connected to an sinful heart it can cause great havoc.

(EXP)(5) “Consider how small fire sets ablaze a large forest” Saints when the bible says “Consider” take time to mediate on this phenomenon. James wants us to slow down and think about how a Campfire not put out properly can burn several acres of greenery up.

Saints James is teaching right now. Sounds like James was familiar with Solomon words in the book of Proverbs 18:21

Proverbs 18:21 CSB

21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

James is affirming what Solomon says in this Proverbs. The Tongue can build and edify or it can destroy and destruct.

Scriptural Examples of the Power of the tongue:

Let’s take a look at an Example found in Genesis 37:3-10 of the tongue being a fire:

Genesis 37:3–10 CSB

3 Now Israel loved Joseph more than his other sons because Joseph was a son born to him in his old age, and he made a long-sleeved robe for him. 4 When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, they hated him and could not bring themselves to speak peaceably to him. 5 Then Joseph had a dream. When he told it to his brothers, they hated him even more. 6 He said to them, “Listen to this dream I had: 7 There we were, binding sheaves of grain in the field. Suddenly my sheaf stood up, and your sheaves gathered around it and bowed down to my sheaf.” 8 “Are you really going to reign over us?” his brothers asked him. “Are you really going to rule us?” So they hated him even more because of his dream and what he had said. 9 Then he had another dream and told it to his brothers. “Look,” he said, “I had another dream, and this time the sun, moon, and eleven stars were bowing down to me.” 10 He told his father and brothers, and his father rebuked him. “What kind of dream is this that you have had?” he said. “Am I and your mother and your brothers really going to come and bow down to the ground before you?”

(3-4) Joseph was clearly the favorite of his Jacob and the other brothers noticed it. Joseph knew he was the favorite.

(5-8) Joseph then commences to tell his brothers about he dream he had where the interpretation is a clear references to his future exaltation in Egypt. The brothers know where he is going asking: “Are you really going to rule us?”

I will give Joseph the ignorance excuse for the first dream. Maybe he thought his brothers would embrace his gift and give him the worship that he seems to be implying. But Joseph had the nerve to tell them another dream in (8-10)

(9-10) This time he included his father and brothers. He says not only will my brothers bow to me but my father would also. In neither of this dream did he give credit to God for the dream and the interpretation. In Chapter 40 when he was locked up and dream about the cupbearer and baker he gave credit to God.

You see in this case Joseph used his tongue to spew Fire on an already tenuous situation.

Now watch Jacob use his tongue to edify, encourage and empower

Genesis 48:1–6 CSB

1 Some time after this, Joseph was told, “Your father is weaker.” So he set out with his two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim. 2 When Jacob was told, “Your son Joseph has come to you,” Israel summoned his strength and sat up in bed. 3 Jacob said to Joseph, “God Almighty appeared to me at Luz in the land of Canaan and blessed me. 4 He said to me, ‘I will make you fruitful and numerous; I will make many nations come from you, and I will give this land as a permanent possession to your future descendants.’ 5 Your two sons born to you in the land of Egypt before I came to you in Egypt are now mine. Ephraim and Manasseh belong to me just as Reuben and Simeon do. 6 Children born to you after them will be yours and will be recorded under the names of their brothers with regard to their inheritance.

(1-6) This is classic Near Eastern practice for the Patriarch of the family to pronounce blessing on his son prior to his death. He speaks well to Joseph letting him know his Mix children will be treated like all of the other full sons of Israel. They will receive a full inheritance because they will be apart of the land promise given to Jacob grandfather Abraham. This had to encourage and edify Joseph just those words probably helped Joseph close off any lose ends he had as it pertains to his family and his relationship to his father.

PT 1 “Words Set a Course”

In your marriage you better learn real quick how to speak life and master listening our you will set your marriage on a course that will be hard later to turn

"I have often regretted my speech, never my silence."

Publius, a Greek sage.

II. Words send a curse

James 3:9–10 CSB

9 With the tongue we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in God’s likeness. 10 Blessing and cursing come out of the same mouth. My brothers and sisters, these things should not be this way.

(EXP)(9)

With the Tongue we bless(eulogized) speak well of the Father. The Jews like us spent time in their service exhorting and exalting the name of God.

Psalm 150 CSB

1 Hallelujah! Praise God in his sanctuary. Praise him in his mighty expanse. 2 Praise him for his powerful acts; praise him for his abundant greatness. 3 Praise him with the blast of a trumpet; praise him with harp and lyre. 4 Praise him with tambourine and dance; praise him with strings and flute. 5 Praise him with resounding cymbals; praise him with clashing cymbals. 6 Let everything that breathes praise the Lord. Hallelujah!

Then from the same mouth after publicly reciting the words from this wonderful Psalm folks would turn around and:

2. (1b) “and with it we curse people who are made in the God’s likeness” with the same mouth that we just used to Praise the Lord. We turn around and “curse people” who are made in the imago dei of God. Breaking the 2nd greatest commandment. James talks about this law in James 2:8-11

James 2:8–11 CSB

8 Indeed, if you fulfill the royal law prescribed in the Scripture, Love your neighbor as yourself, you are doing well. 9 If, however, you show favoritism, you commit sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors. 10 For whoever keeps the entire law, and yet stumbles at one point, is guilty of breaking it all. 11 For he who said, Do not commit adultery, also said, Do not murder. So if you do not commit adultery, but you murder, you are a lawbreaker.

(8) “Love of neighbor is part of the Royal Law of God.” Saints Love of God and Love of Neighbor are inextricable tied together. They are built not is equals, but as the greater always leading to the lesser. The greater is our worship to God, and the lesser is our service to our neighbor. Starting with those closest to us and moving outward all the way until we get to our enemies. Saints we cannot separate the Royal Law it is chain linked together.

Based on this Royal Law as married folks who should receive the most respectful, gracious, and edifying communication in your life?

James 3:10 CSB

10 Blessing and cursing come out of the same mouth. My brothers and sisters, these things should not be this way.

(EXP)(10) James makes the million dollar statement: Can I rephrase as a question: How can a mouth eulogized the Lord on Sunday and through the week, but slander, criticize, talk about, and tear down their spouse made in the image of God out of the same mouth?

Saints sit in that question for second. Don’t move to the next point. Don’t try and get to the conclusion. Saints we have all been guilty of this sin.

Why do we always assume the worse about our spouses? Why don’t we give folks the benefit of the doubt? Why do treat our spouses as enemies during arguments rather than ally?

Why isn’t our first response to pray for our spouse?

Why don’t we stop in the middle of arguments and pray before we say something stupid?

Let me theorize why? Because as apart of our old self we all have this natural proclivity to create hierarchy in our lives at the expense of “People made in the image of God” in some small ways we feel better about our struggles when someone is doing worse, even our wives. Marital arguments are not about trying to prove who’s right it is about coming to the right conclusion that God’s wants for both of you.

When you understand Grace you recognize Real quick that everything you have, every spiritual battle you have won, even when God got your dusty behind out of the dumpster and put you in the shower, put your teeth back in your mouth and gave you a right mind was all based on the predetermined foreknowledge of the God who works all after the counsel of own will!!!!

Saints in (10) I think James is saying something even more agonizing than Saints you need to do better with your brother’s and sisters’. Take a look at James 3:11-12

James 3:11–12 CSB

11 Does a spring pour out sweet and bitter water from the same opening? 12 Can a fig tree produce olives, my brothers and sisters, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a saltwater spring yield fresh water.

(11-12) James asked 4 rhetorical question all from nature

Can spring water produces both sweet and bitter water from the same opening?

Can a fig tree produce olives?

Can a grapevine produce figs?

Can saltwater produce fresh water?

Ocean cannot produce Fresh Water because at it’s source it is salt.

Grapevines and Fig Trees cannot produce anything but Figs & Grapes because their characteristics are determined by it’s seed.

In nature we see a consistency that we don’t see in people. Things function according to their seed. James tells us that it is impossible for someone to both Praise God and tear down their brothers and sister at the same time.

Why?

The Seed of the HS produces a change in the tongue. The one who has truly been converted is convicted when they tear down fellow image bearers.

I think James may have heard his brother preach before he got saved listen to Jesus in Matthew 12:33-34

Matthew 12:33–34 CSB

33 “Either make the tree good and its fruit will be good, or make the tree bad and its fruit will be bad; for a tree is known by its fruit. 34 Brood of vipers! How can you speak good things when you are evil? For the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart.

(33-34) Jesus helps us. The ability to speak good things comes from a changed heart. The Pharisees weren’t capable of this because they hadn’t been changed.

James is not just dealing with Christian who need a kick in the pants, he is dealing with truly deceive folks who swear they are going to heaven but are going to bust Hell wide open. Notice the final point in (13-18)

James is talking about those “This is the way I been talking my whole life folks”

James is about to teach us how to spot a fake.

III. Words show our Conduct

James 3:13–18 CSB

13 Who among you is wise and understanding? By his good conduct he should show that his works are done in the gentleness that comes from wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter envy and selfish ambition in your heart, don’t boast and deny the truth. 15 Such wisdom does not come down from above but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where there is envy and selfish ambition, there is disorder and every evil practice. 17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peace-loving, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without pretense. 18 And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who cultivate peace.

Application

Saints how do we do it? Will power and discipline

How do we go from here renewed and challenge to learn better ways of talking to those we love and those who are enemies?

Saints James gives us a major clue in this book he wrote:

Lets do a quick phrase study.

James 1:2 CSB

2 Consider it a great joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you experience various trials,

James 1:16 CSB

16 Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters.

James 1:19 CSB

19 My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger,

James 2:1 CSB

1 My brothers and sisters, do not show favoritism as you hold on to the faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ.

James 2:5 CSB

5 Listen, my dear brothers and sisters: Didn’t God choose the poor in this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom that he has promised to those who love him?

James 2:14 CSB

14 What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but does not have works? Can such faith save him?

James 2:15 CSB

15 If a brother or sister is without clothes and lacks daily food

James 3:1 CSB

1 Not many should become teachers, my brothers, because you know that we will receive a stricter judgment.

James 3:9 CSB

9 With the tongue we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in God’s likeness.

James 3:12 CSB

12 Can a fig tree produce olives, my brothers and sisters, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a saltwater spring yield fresh water.

James 4:11 CSB

11 Don’t criticize one another, brothers and sisters. Anyone who defames or judges a fellow believer defames and judges the law. If you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge.

James 5:7 CSB

7 Therefore, brothers and sisters, be patient until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth and is patient with it until it receives the early and the late rains.

James 5:9 CSB

9 Brothers and sisters, do not complain about one another, so that you will not be judged. Look, the judge stands at the door!

James 5:10 CSB

10 Brothers and sisters, take the prophets who spoke in the Lord’s name as an example of suffering and patience.

James 5:12 CSB

12 Above all, my brothers and sisters, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath. But let your “yes” mean “yes,” and your “no” mean “no,” so that you won’t fall under judgment.

James 5:19 CSB

19 My brothers and sisters, if any among you strays from the truth, and someone turns him back,

16x James uses this phrase “my Brothers and Sisters”

let’s not forget who he is related too. James is the brother of Jesus. The Folks he is writing to in this book knew that about him. He is making the same point Jesus did about his true family.

Matthew 12:46–50 CSB

46 While he was still speaking with the crowds, his mother and brothers were standing outside wanting to speak to him. 47 Someone told him, “Look, your mother and your brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.” 48 He replied to the one who was speaking to him, “Who is my mother and who are my brothers?” 49 Stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”

You see James point:

When you really understand your new identity in Christ spiritual brothers and sister to all blood bought believers starting with your wife you would realize that when you talk about, criticize and condemn her on earth, she will be singing next to you in the heavenly choir hand in hand!

James gets that!!! James says if you start to really look at your church family as really your family that will be that start of victory in the area of your tongue.

Conclusion:

William Norris an American Journalist penned a wonderful Rhyme to helps us before we fall:

If your lips would keep from slips, Five things observe with care: Whom you speak; of whom you speak; And how, and when, and where.

Pray to Close