One of us goes in but we all go through it. How your choices and upbringing affect our marriage

Intro:

Tell me what you think God means in Genesis 2:25

Genesis 2:25 CSB

25 Both the man and his wife were naked, yet felt no shame.

How Traumas Create Negative Patterns in Relationships Unresolved traumas can create challenges in communication, intimacy, and trust. Posted August 13, 2019 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch Source: tiburi/Pixabay Traumas are extreme life events that threaten your physical or psychological survival. A percentage of people who experience traumas have clinically diagnosable post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but many more have trauma-related symptoms like physiological reactivity to triggers, panic attacks, chronic anxiety, feelings of anger or numbness, or a loss of trust. In addition to traumas like rape, childhood abuse, or military combat, a pileup of negative life events, unresolved chronic stress (e.g., prolonged unemployment), past abusive relationships, or growing up in a dysfunctional family can also lead to trauma-like reactions and susceptibility to emotional triggering and reactivity. Trauma professionals often refer to these types of events as "little t" traumas to differentiate them from the "big T" of life-threatening events. But either can impact your relationships in negative ways if you don't deal with them through therapy or self-help. Following are four ways traumas can negatively affect romantic relationships:

1. Getting triggered into traumatized states Our brain wiring is such that if you have unprocessed trauma or PTSD symptoms, or experience chronic, ongoing stressful situations, you are likely to get triggered into states of “fight, flight, or freeze” when you encounter situations that remind you of the original trauma or ongoing stressor or situations which your brain deems important for physical/emotional survival. Because our ancestors were tribal and depended on the tribe for protection, food, and shelter, we are wired to react to perceived abandonment or rejection in relationships as if they were threats to our physical survival. If you also have past traumas or currently experience situations that are actual threats to survival (e.g., debt, unemployment, serious illness), you may become even more likely to react to relationship conflict or rejection with the brain’s primitive survival mechanisms. A part of the brain called the amygdala is wired to take over and generate fighting, fleeing, or freezing responses when your brain labels a relationship conflict as an emergency. This can lead you to say things you don’t mean, scream, or lose control, or feel overwhelmed and shut down. All of these responses can cause a partner to feel attacked, rejected, or abandoned, which triggers their emergency response network, and so the cycle continues.

2. Fighting, fleeing, or freezing Unprocessed traumas or ongoing serious chronic stressors can cause the primitive brain networks involved in survival and threat response to hijack your brain into a “fight, flight, or freeze” state. If one of these responses helped you survive childhood trauma (e.g., fleeing from a borderline parent or fighting a drunk, angry parent so they wouldn’t harm a younger sibling), your brain will give that type of response priority and automatically generate fighting, fleeing, or freezing when the amygdala signals a relationship emergency. This can result in the following behaviors which are damaging to relationships: Fight. Attacking your partner verbally or physically, raging at them, blaming them for all of your problems, expressing contempt, being controlling or demanding, or not letting things go.Flight. Avoiding dealing with problems, panicking and acting impulsively, or running away from intimacy or emotional situations. Feeling helpless, feeling unable to act, or shutting down and disconnecting from your partner.

3. Shame-based responses Interpersonal traumas or chronic rejection can create toxic shame. Shame is a destructive emotion for relationships (unless you have actually done something terrible). Shame makes you want to hide or feel rage toward people you perceive as having shamed or rejected you. Shame makes you hide important parts of yourself from your partner. You may put up a “wall” or mask your insecurities by attacking others or overcompensating. Shame also makes it difficult for you to hear criticism, even if it is well-meaning. You are likely to respond defensively because you don’t want your flaws to be exposed. Shame makes you want to give up on relationships rather than fight for them. You may turn to addictions or compulsive behaviors as a way of self-medicating the shame. You may drink or take drugs, play video games to excess, shop compulsively, act out sexually, or become a workaholic. All of these patterns take you away from being available to a partner because they lead you to prioritize the substance/behavior of choice above your partner’s needs and feelings. 4. Rigid, negative beliefs about relationships Experiencing relationship trauma or having a dysfunctional family history that you haven’t dealt with can shape your beliefs about relationships in negative ways. These beliefs can then bias how you perceive your partner’s actions, leading you to interpret them in the worst light. You may be unable to trust, and therefore constantly monitor the status of your relationship or try to control your partner. You may be overly scared of rejection or abandonment and therefore not put yourself out there to find intimacy, or you may reject others before they can reject you. You may feel that your partner will never be able to understand your feelings or be motivated to meet your needs. This can lead you to not express what you want or need and end up resentful when your partner doesn’t read your mind. 5. Traumas can lead you to choose unhealthy partners and stay with them too long Traumas in your family of origin (both "big T" and "little t") can leave you with insecurities and feelings being undeserving of love. Therefore you may be more likely to tolerate disrespectful behavior or make excuses for a partner, rather than setting boundaries or leaving. You may feel that a dysfunctional relationship is the best you can do or feel too scared of being alone to leave even an abusive partner. You may take on too much of the guilt and blame or be easily manipulated (as you were by your dysfunctional parent). You may be drawn to abusive or unloving partners because of "trauma bonding": Trauma experience can make you addicted to emotional intensity, so you reject the friendly, honest, respectful person in favor of the inconsistent, rejecting, demeaning, or manipulative one.

What is a traumatic event?

Most everyone has been through a stressful event in his or her life. When the event, or series of events, causes a lot of stress, it is called a traumatic event. Traumatic events are marked by a sense of horror, helplessness, serious injury, or the threat of serious injury or death.

Traumas are extreme life events that threaten your physical or psychological survival....Psychology Today

Using these definitions give me some examples of traumatic events particularly in children & adolescents

What kind of effect do traumatic events have on relationships?

Psychologist have found it helpful to categorize trauma in two forms:

Large T-Rape, Incest, Physical Abuse, Exposure to extreme violence, natural disaster events, tragic loss of a parent or close family member

Small T-Verbal Abuse, Neglect, Divorce, Rejection by close relationship, adoption, Absent parent or parents.

Although they separate Large T from Small T both of these categories will create traumatic hurdles that will need to be faced and conquered as they will cause serious challenges in marriage.

Where are the major places childhood trauma come from:

Father Wounds-“Father wound” is another term for father absenteeism. When a person’s father is physically absent, emotionally distant or an abusive, negative or overly critical character, it can have long-term consequences for the individual. Parents are the first people children learn to love, so when they’re unsupportive in any way, it can send a negative message.

Mother Wounds-The Mother Wound is an attachment trauma that creates a sense of confusion and devastation in the child's psyche. It instills deeply rooted beliefs that make the child feel unloved, abandoned, unworthy of care, and even fearful of expressing themselves.

Family Wounds-This is when the lack of safety and security that a family is supposed to provide has been compromised and become a place of fright, neglect and destruction.

Life Wounds-These are the wounds that come from living in a sinful world and having traumatic experiences that cause us to retreat, fight or freeze. Example: First heartbreak, Getting Cheated on, living in violent areas, Death of close family members, Being ostracized for(Physical traits, Intellectual deficiency, or Social Class)

These Four Classes of wounds will likely take care of everyone in the room.

STATISTICS

60% of adults report experiencing abuse or other difficult family circumstances during childhood. (1)

26% of children in the United States will witness or experience a traumatic event before they turn four. (1)

Four of every 10 children in American say they experienced a physical assault during the past year, with one in 10 receiving an assault-related injury. (2)

2% of all children experienced sexual assault or sexual abuse during the past year, with the rate at nearly 11% for girls aged 14 to 17. (2)

Nearly 14% of children repeatedly experienced maltreatment by a caregiver, including nearly 4% who experienced physical abuse. (2)

1 in 4 children was the victim of robbery, vandalism or theft during the previous year. (2)

More than 13% of children reported being physically bullied, while more than 1 in 3 said they had been emotionally bullied. (2)

1 in 5 children witnessed violence in their family or the neighborhood during the previous year. (2)

In one year, 39% of children between the ages of 12 and 17 reported witnessing violence, 17%reported being a victim of physical assault and 8% reported being the victim of sexual assault. (3)

More than 60% of youth age 17 and younger have been exposed to crime, violence and abuse either directly or indirectly. (4)

More than 10% of youth age 17 and younger reported five or more exposures to violence. (4)

About 10% of children suffered from child maltreatment, were injured in an assault, or witnessed a family member assault another family member. (4)

About 25% of youth age 17 and younger were victims of robbery or witnessed a violent act. (4)

Nearly half of children and adolescents were assaulted at least once in the past year. (4)

Among 536 elementary and middle school children surveyed in an inner city community, 30% had witnessed a stabbing and 26% had witnessed a shooting. (5)

Young children exposed to five or more significant adverse experiences in the first three years of childhood face a 76% likelihood of having one or more delays in their language, emotional or brain development.

Saints this is an issues all of us face in some manner. For some it was some “Large T’s” for others a series of “Small T’s”

What do you think Satan will do in the life of believers who get married with these unresolved issues going on in their psyche’s?

Saints when you get married you bring all of these pains and traumas with you if you don’t resolve them you will unconsciously punish those closest to you:God, Spouse, Children, In-Laws and Church Family.

How Can we start dealing with baggage?

Recognition of the trauma

Learn how to talk about your trauma with your spouse. This will help you start to pick up the pieces. Our brains are bent towards our survival so when it suspect trauma it will help to survive by repressing the trauma so we can move on about our lives.

The Trauma is not gone it simple housed within the deep recesses of our mind so that we can function with some measure of sanity.

Example: When making my bed as a youth I would always spend a lot of time on the comforter because that is what people saw and I would use the to hide to the two bottom sheets. Underneath of the comforter it was chaos but on top everything look nice and neat. Our brain does this with our traumas unconsciously.

Facing the Trauma

This is the point at which you decided something needs to be done about it. You know Goliath Exist. You know this trauma is massive obstacle in your life. Now this is when you make some decision. At this point you have not sought help from a counselor or maybe a Pastor you have simple been doing some self-reflection and God has began to show you how past events are robbing you of future joy.

This is decision time.

Are you going to live the rest of your life in the chains of these past events?

Or are you going to stare them down put on your battle fatigues and fight?

This may be a time to get some outside help

Christian Counselor

Pastor was some counseling background

In-Depth Study into the word of God

Play Youtube

African-American Mortality Rates

of the 26m all cause death from 30 of the top populous cities of the US from year 2016-2018

White had 759 death for every 100,000

African American had 960 death for every 100,000

There are several reason for this stat. Poverty, violence, lack of adequate health care, but also failure to avail ourselves of physical and mental health service that are either free, or a part of our benefits program with our jobs. Lack of self-care refusal to take time off.

Conquering the Trauma

You will need tools any good counselor will give you some tools to begin the process of repair.

Sometimes those tools start with forgiving some folks

Sometimes those tools start with confronting some folks.

Sometimes these tools start with apologizing to some folks

But for the vast majority of people the start of your healing comes through sincere and honest forgiveness. If they are living maybe its a letter if they are dead maybe its just a prayer.

Forgiveness does not mean you open your life to them it simple means you release them of the offenses they inflicted on you. Thereby also releasing yourself to not be bound in the bitter, hate, and anger that keeps you in chains.

Scripture Tools

Saints there is this misconception in the Evangelical World both Black’s and Whites that when we get saved we just forget all of our past. God totally cleans up our past we don’t have to deal with anything we just move on in the joy of the Lord.

And if a professing Christian is having trouble with their past they are judged as immature in invariable someone quotes Philippians 3:13

Philippians 3:13 CSB

13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what is ahead,

They will say you are walking in the past you need to walk in your newness.

What they don’t understand is that sometimes in life you have to go backwards before you can move forwards.

Sometimes you need to do some soul work to find out how your past experiences are affecting your present life. That is not a lack of faith that is a proof of faith because it take faith to dig up past trauma, stare it in the face, and cut it’s neck off.

Let me show you what it means to be saved.

Philippians 2:12–13 CSB

12 Therefore, my dear friends, just as you have always obeyed, so now, not only in my presence but even more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. 13 For it is God who is working in you both to will and to work according to his good purpose.

(12) Paul says you have always obeyed, so now, not only in my presence but even more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling

This text does not tells us to work for our salvation. That would contradict Paul words to the Ephesians believers for we know that Salvation is by grace through faith not as the result of works.

Also this text tells us we already own salvation. It has already been granted to us.

Realizing I had an air fryer and then finally using it. I already bought and owned it but I was not receiving the full benefit of it because of laziness and disregard.

This is what Paul is saying you already have been bought and paid for by Jesus. You are saved. Now use your salvation for my Glory. It is my salvation that will give you strength to deal with any past event that is affecting your future joy.

“work out”- energeo-energize

(12) Pauls says “work out” be intentional, be powerful, be steadfast, be unmovable to acknowledge, face, and conquer your past traumas. Don’t let anything keep you from living a “naked and unashamed life” with your spouse.

Philippians 2:13 CSB

13 For it is God who is working in you both to will and to work according to his good purpose.

(13) While we are working being intentional, be steadfast, having the courage to face past traumas there is something else going on below the surface.

Tell me what you see below the surface?

Every step you take, Every Person you choose to confront, Every Person you choose to forgive, and Every trauma you have victory over is all possible because of the internal work of the Spirit in your life.

Although you are going out and doing the work it is God giving you the power to do it. He simple needs a willing vessel to face it.

Testimony about my first heart break