REAL TALK: Sexuality

Real Talk 1: Sexuality

On Sexual attraction and orientation.

This is not simply a topic to be studied, this must be a conversation about real stories and real people.

Dan: Dan is a gay man, happily married to another man. Dan isn’t very religious and he often gets frustrated with conservative Christians. He mocks them, yells at them, and would love to see the conservative church simply disappear. Dan is the guy that many Christians may think of when they hear the word homosexuality- a feisty, angry, church-hating pride activist who blasts the Bible on social media. But that’s just Dan.

There’s also Maddie: Maddie: Maddie is a lesbian, but she’s not attracted to women at all. That may sound weird but it’s true and makes sense when you hear her story. As a child, Maddie was terribly abused by her own father. Physically, emotionally, and sexually abused. So, Maddie doesn’t find women attractive but she doesn’t ever trust men or have any desire to be in an intimate relationship with them. She even vows to never let a man touch her ever again, because of her father. So, Maddie lives as a lesbian. That’s Maddie.

Justin: Was raised in a really healthy Christian home and started his personal relationship with Jesus as a child. Justin at the age of fourteen realized that he was attracted to guys instead of girls. To be clear, Justin’s mom wasn’t controlling or overbearing, his dad was present and never abused him, his sisters never forced him to dress up like a girl. Justin breaks all of the old stereotypes of a gay man, but Justin was attracted to the same sex nonetheless. He spent the next couple of years studying the Bible on his own and concluded that the Bible doesn’t really condemn a loving, committed same sex relationship so he began to pursue a romantic relationship with another man. That’s Justin.

Jordan: Jordan’s story is almost identical to Justin. Great christian home, his own personal and growing relationship with Jesus. And when puberty hit, he was attracted to guys, not girls. Jordan also studied his bible and talked to other christians about his attractions. But Jordan believes that it would be sinful for him to act on his homosexual attractions. Jordan came to the conviction that God was calling him to a life of celibacy- meaning he would never get married or have a sexual relationship with someone else. However, when Jordan was open and honest with his church about all of this- that he wasn’t practicing any sin, he didn’t ever intend to be in a relationship with a man, but he was same-sex attracted- they actually rejected him, told him he couldn’t serve there, and said very hurtful things to him and sent him out of their church. Thankfully, Jordan got to a place where he forgave them and even went back to that church and they began to heal in those relationships at church and he has better relationships with them all. that’s Jordan.

Finally, there’s Eric.

Eric: again raised in a christian home and at fourteen realized he was attracted to people of the same sex. Eric was bullied terribly and his parents even kicked him out of the house when they found out he was attracted to other boys. Sadly, Eric ended up committing suicide shortly after.

These are real people, and those are some of their real stories.

I wanted to start our real talk series off with those stories for a few reasons.

This is not simply a topic to study, this is a conversation about real people, real stories and a real struggle.

We can’t minimize the conversation down to one stereotype or scenario. Dr. Preston Sprinkle, a Christian author and University professor, says, “If you have met one gay person, you’ve met one gay person.”

Whether it is about sexuality or anything else, we must realize that every single person has their own unique story. God made them and has a plan for them, and God wants to meet them right where they are at. So, if we want to minister to people walking through these struggles- we must get to know their story and meet them where they are at too!

3. Finally, I shared those stories because maybe one of those stories sounds like your story. Maybe you are here tonight because you finally want to hear what the Bible really says and how your church really thinks about you because you relate to part or all of one of those stories we just heard.

Before we dive in, I want us to pray together. This is a heavy conversation that we all are coming in with unique perspectives and ideas to. More than anything this conversation needs to be one of love, respect, and grace as we unpack the truth of God’s Word together. So, let’s pray and jump in.

PRAY.

What is the state of sexuality in our world today?

Common Arguments For Same Sex relationships:

For these, we won’t go into all the reasons these arguments don’t hold up, I just want to introduce you to them and share a word or two on each.

1. If people are born with these desires they can’t be wrong -or even a step further- that means God made them this way and “God doesn’t make mistakes.”

Basically, if they are born with it, it can’t be wrong. But news flash- most of what we are born with is wrong because of the fall. We talked about why this argument falls apart on Wednesday night- we weren’t talking about sexuality at all but it applies- creation is broken. People are born with brokenness because of the Fall! People are born with physical deformities, mental health issues, tendencies toward addiction or other destructive behavior. God doesn’t want or cause people to be born with brokenness, we all are because of. Romans 8, as we talked about Wednesday night teaches us that ALL OF CREATION is broken, in a state of decay and longs for redemption- to be healed completely. But we are in brokenness, we are born in brokenness. God doesn’t cause it, but he allows it because he wants to use it, to redeem it, and work through it for his glory and our good.

So, yes, we are born with lots of sinful desires that display the brokenness of creation and God wants to use our brokenness for his glory!

2. What’s wrong with two people, who genuinely love each other and are attracted to each other, entering into a consensual, loving relationship together. That isn’t hurting anyone.

This will really be the main emphasis for the rest of the night, and what we are going to see is simply this- same sex behavior goes against God’s design for creation and prevents the abundant life that Jesus offers. Again, we will get more into this all night.

Finally-

3. It is harmful to repress our inner desires- or those of someone else-especially when it comes to our sexual attraction and orientations.

Again, Biblically we learn that our desires are exactly what is wrong with us. We are tempted away to sin by our own desires. James 1:14-15

James 1:14–15 CSB

But each person is tempted when he is drawn away and enticed by his own evil desire. Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and when sin is fully grown, it gives birth to death.

Our desires point to good things we were created for but we need to be saved and given the holy spirit, so that our desires become God’s desires. So that we begin to seek to satisfy ourselves in God, rather than in our own pleasures. Also I’d recommend the book- The Coddling of the American Mind- that talks about how our culture has gotten to this place of viewing ideas as harmful! It’s a very helpful book on understanding our culture today. Not written by a christian and has some profanity in it but not much, and well worth it in my opinion. Again, we will talk about a lot more tonight that will help us deal with those arguments, but in case you weren’t familiar with them- those are some very common ones I hear often!

But now check out some statistics that will show us a big picture of how people are struggling with sexuality recently:

Statistically:

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On a global level, people identifying as LGBTQ+ is 9%.

Question we must ask based on those stats: What changed? Are there really this many more people struggling with SSA and gender, or are there cultural influences causing this increase?

Notice the large majority percentage identifying as Bisexual. This suggests there has been a sudden increase in confusion, not necessarily a radical change in general sexual orientation.

What is homosexuality?

What often happens is Christians simply say- homosexuality or being gay is a sin. But these are not helpful terms and lead to more confusion. These statements even conflict with Scripture if we aren’t clear exactly what we mean.

Homosexuality is a very broad term and is used in a variety of ways by different people. In order to be clear what the Bible says, how people should seek to live, and how we can best love people- we must aim to be more specific.

Important terms to define:

Same-Sex Attraction (Sometimes SS Orientation)- one’s sexual attraction to people of their same sex.

Same-Sex Behavior- sexual acts including lust, sexual activity and sexual intercourse with someone of the same sex.

gay (Lowercase)- description of one’s same-sex orientation. Such a person may, or may not, participate in same-sex behavior, but they use the term gay to easily describe their same-sex attraction.

Gay (Uppercase)- one’s self-identification based on their attraction to the same sex.

Bottom line: People have, do, and will experience brokenness in their sexual attractions until they are fully and completely healed by Jesus in Heaven and New Creation.

What does the Bible say about sexuality?

The best way we can understand the Bible’s teaching on sexuality is by looking at God’s design for marriage.

Genesis 1:16–31 CSB

God made the two great lights—the greater light to rule over the day and the lesser light to rule over the night—as well as the stars. God placed them in the expanse of the sky to provide light on the earth, to rule the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. Evening came and then morning: the fourth day. Then God said, “Let the water swarm with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky.” So God created the large sea-creatures and every living creature that moves and swarms in the water, according to their kinds. He also created every winged creature according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. God blessed them: “Be fruitful, multiply, and fill the waters of the seas, and let the birds multiply on the earth.” Evening came and then morning: the fifth day. Then God said, “Let the earth produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that crawl, and the wildlife of the earth according to their kinds.” And it was so. So God made the wildlife of the earth according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that crawl on the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, according to our likeness. They will rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, the livestock, the whole earth, and the creatures that crawl on the earth.” So God created man in his own image; he created him in the image of God; he created them male and female. God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it. Rule the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, and every creature that crawls on the earth.” God also said, “Look, I have given you every seed-bearing plant on the surface of the entire earth and every tree whose fruit contains seed. This will be food for you, for all the wildlife of the earth, for every bird of the sky, and for every creature that crawls on the earth—everything having the breath of life in it—I have given every green plant for food.” And it was so. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good indeed. Evening came and then morning: the sixth day.

Genesis 2:18–23 CSB

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper corresponding to him.” The Lord God formed out of the ground every wild animal and every bird of the sky, and brought each to the man to see what he would call it. And whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all the livestock, to the birds of the sky, and to every wild animal; but for the man no helper was found corresponding to him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to come over the man, and he slept. God took one of his ribs and closed the flesh at that place. Then the Lord God made the rib he had taken from the man into a woman and brought her to the man. And the man said: This one, at last, is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; this one will be called “woman,” for she was taken from man.

The marriage between Adam and Eve displays God’s design for all marriages.

The way in which the woman was created indicates that she is  the man’s divinely designed complement.

The nature of the one-flesh union presupposes two persons of  the opposite sex.

Matthew 19:4–5 CSB

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that he who created them in the beginning made them male and female, and he also said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?

Ephesians 5:21–33 CSB

submitting to one another in the fear of Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, since we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church. To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.

Jesus and Paul both reference Genesis 2 and assume marriage is between one man and one woman. God has designed the headship of men and women to display the  glory of Christ in the salvation of the church.

In all of these passages on marriage, there is a clear assumption that it happens between one male and one female.

God distinctly created male and female to complement each other and bear his image together. (We covered this in depth on Wednesday nights in our relationships series.)

Marriage, in all of scripture, is clearly designed by God to be between one male and one female, with the purpose of displaying God’s love and glory through their union and childbearing.

Think about it- we bear God’s image- meaning we are meant to represent him to the world. This happens in a lot of ways but the main commands that go with image-bearing in Genesis are multiplying- creating new life by having children, and by ruling and reigning- ordering the chaos of the world around them. Just like God created everything and then gave it order and ruled over it- we share in continuing to created and ruling over this world in God’s likeness.

But Sin causes brokenness. Brokenness impacts all of creation- that includes our minds, bodies, and relationships.

Now- some people can’t have kids, not all people do get married, and we often struggle to rule over or bring order to creation around us. Creation is broken. But nonetheless- that command and the fact we bear God’s image tells us a lot about how we are meant to be human.

God designed us to be uniquely male and female and come together in complementary relationships to create, rule and reign together as image-bearing humans.

Now, that’s God’s intended design and with a clear purpose. But the Bible does specifically have passages that refer to homosexuality. Let’s look at those.

Homosexuality in the Bible:

Genesis 19- Men from Sodom come to sexually assault the male guests in someone’s home. Sodom and Gomorrah become references and symbols of sin and sexual immorality throughout scripture. They were known for having same sex relationships regularly and the word “detestable” or “abomination” is a translation of the Hebrew word to’ebah. The same word is used in Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13, where a man lying with a male as with a woman is called an abomination.

Leviticus 18:22 CSB

You are not to sleep with a man as with a woman; it is detestable.

Leviticus 20:13 CSB

If a man sleeps with a man as with a woman, they have both committed a detestable act. They must be put to death; their death is their own fault.

These verses are significant- no mention of coercion or force. Rather, these verses clearly paint a picture of men willingly entering sexual relationships with men, like they would with women.

Some argue that the Biblical authors ONLY knew of same-sex relationships that were abusive or coercive, so healthy same-sex relationships, like same sex marriages should be allowed today. These verses speak directly against that argument.(Plus plenty of historical information that shows there were very notable same-sex relationships that were consensual during the time of the Old and New Testaments.)

Romans 1:18–32 CSB

For God’s wrath is revealed from heaven against all godlessness and unrighteousness of people who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth, since what can be known about God is evident among them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, that is, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen since the creation of the world, being understood through what he has made. As a result, people are without excuse. For though they knew God, they did not glorify him as God or show gratitude. Instead, their thinking became worthless, and their senseless hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man, birds, four-footed animals, and reptiles. Therefore God delivered them over in the desires of their hearts to sexual impurity, so that their bodies were degraded among themselves. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served what has been created instead of the Creator, who is praised forever. Amen. For this reason God delivered them over to disgraceful passions. Their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. The men in the same way also left natural relations with women and were inflamed in their lust for one another. Men committed shameless acts with men and received in their own persons the appropriate penalty of their error. And because they did not think it worthwhile to acknowledge God, God delivered them over to a corrupt mind so that they do what is not right. They are filled with all unrighteousness, evil, greed, and wickedness. They are full of envy, murder, quarrels, deceit, and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, arrogant, proud, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, senseless, untrustworthy, unloving, and unmerciful. Although they know God’s just sentence—that those who practice such things deserve to die—they not only do them, but even applaud others who practice them.

Sexual immorality is used by Paul to display humanity’s struggle with sin. We are led away from God’s design by our desire to worship ourselves. Seeking our own pleasure and desires rather than God’s design is a downward, destructive spiral toward death.

Arsenokoite

Paul’s term for “men who practice homosexuality” (1 Cor. 6:9,  1 Tim. 1:10) was derived from two words—arsēn (man) and  koitē (bed) – found in Leviticus 18:22 and Leviticus 20:13.

Literally: Men who go to bed with men.

But to be clear- he clearly refers to men or women committing this act.

The best translation therefore is one which communicates the notion  of

Homosexuality in the Bible: sexual behavior between two members of the same sex.

So the Bible is very clear that Same-sex behavior is a sin, not based on who practices it or by what motivation they seek it, but because that act itself is completely contrary to the truth of God’s good design.

1 Corinthians 6:8–11 CSB

Instead, you yourselves do wrong and cheat—and you do this to brothers and sisters! Don’t you know that the unrighteous will not inherit God’s kingdom? Do not be deceived: No sexually immoral people, idolaters, adulterers, or males who have sex with males, no thieves, greedy people, drunkards, verbally abusive people, or swindlers will inherit God’s kingdom. And some of you used to be like this. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

Notice, Paul groups same-sex-behavior in with sins like adultery, idolatry, greed, and theft. Sin is sin, but we have to be clear what actually is called sin in the Bible!

Again, same-sex behavior is clearly addressed as a sin in Scripture. Same-sex attraction is not.

Now, I know that is where some people will get uncomfortable but think about it for a second. My attraction to women is not sinful, even though I am married. But if I lust after a woman that is not my wife, that is sinful. If I begin to pursue a relationship or have a sexual relationship with a woman that is not my wife, that is sinful.

This is why if I were ever in a scenario where a woman was around and my mind even for a moment started to wander to an inappropriate place I would have to stop, repent and pray! Those desires are brokenness not from God, they are not according to his design. To pursue or act on that attraction is SINFUL.

Unchecked attractions can turn to sinful desires which lead us into sinful behavior.

Likewise, If someone hits puberty and their body begins to be sexually attracted to the same sex instead of the opposite sex, that is brokenness, that is not what God designed them for- but biblically that is not the sin. To pursue or act on that attraction IS sin. Again, all of these passages CLEARLY address sexual behavior and actions.

This is how we must begin to understand how to love and minister people struggling with their sexuality.

And here’s the reality- every single person ever will struggle with their sexuality. And for all of us it will be the question of whether or not I want to honor and obey God with my sexuality, or will I let my desires lead me into a world of sexual immorality and sin and I seek my personal pleasure instead of God’s design.

Will I honor and obey God with my sexuality, or will I be led by my desires into sexual sin.

Me having an affair on my wife and a man having sex with another man are both sin, both lead to destruction and suffering and dissatisfaction.

How do we love people well?

Listen.

Get to know their story because every story is different.

Know the difference between terms.

Recognize that there could be many different factors of brokenness that led them to where they are now.

Understand and respect the big difference between someone saying they feel a certain way, and someone actually begin to commit sins or identify with an orientation instead of Christ. It’s only then that we can lovingly walk with someone through their brokenness and help them follow Jesus, or lead them to repent of sin and turn back to Jesus. WE have to know where they actually are to help them follow Jesus there.

Believe that sexual sin is destructive.

We have to actually believe that if they continue to pursue and live into their sexual brokenness, and walk in sexual sin- then they will miss out on the life of Christ. They wont be satisfied. They will keep searching for more. Sadly the mental health struggles, rates of anxiety and depression and divorce all dramatically increase as people live into same-sex behaviors.

If we love them we should speak the truth, and not encourage them to live in sin. Then we can walk with them in the midst of their struggle.

So, two more stories-

Greg- prayed for years to change his attractions but God never did. Instead- believes God called him to celibacy- now is an author, speaker and scholar that tries to help people understand the struggle of experiencing same sex attraction- He says: “It’s about being gay, loving Jesus, and choosing singleness in a world that fears all three.” I also got the chance to talk to him on the phone once and he said something I’ll never forget. HE said people often tell him, even christians- being celibate is too hard and unfair. Why would got deny you the ability to get married? He said “If my cross seems to big and heavy, that just means your cross is probably to small and light.” We are all called to die to ourselves daily, deny ourselves- take up our cross and follow jesus. WE should all feel the weight of our cross- if we don’t we may not understand what it means to truly follow Jesus.

Then Jackie- Jackie lived as a lesbian for years until she continued to find herself upset and broken and starving for more. She got saved and began being deeply discipled. She then fell in love with a man and God slowly but surely changed her attractions. She no longer identifies as gay, but uses her story and journey to encourage people to turn away from their sin, and trust Jesus to satisfy their deepest desires.

Gregory Coles and Jackie Hill Perry both embody the heart of the Gospel even when it comes to two different outcomes- Love people enough to lead them to the Jesus who can satisfy their desire that is far deeper than sexual- their spiritual desire to be known and loved by God!

That is the goal.

I know we didn’t hit everything, and I know you have questions-

Please submit them. And if time- ask now!