Untitled Sermon (4)

Flourishing Marriage Model

Why get married?

Genesis 2:24 NIV

Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

There is a grand misunderstanding behind what this one flesh means.

And if it’s not a misunderstanding, in most cases it’s a misapplication.

This one flesh doesn’t mean the numeral one.

(Could you imagine a wedding with all the family and friends in attendance. And as soon as the officiator says, “I now pronounce you husband and wife.” The two people intertwine and now you have just one flesh. No longer two people but one person.)

This doesn’t happen so we know that can’t be the interpretation intended for the scripture.

This one flesh means unity.

(The marriage now becomes the mission and purpose. [Not my individual way or individual happiness.] There is not a literal one flesh but there is now a new entity created. Mr. and Mrs.)

God uses relationships to cause us to grow.

(By myself I can’t grow because I will never discover what needs to change.)

What we see the most in marriage relationships today are unhealthy individuals trying to have healthy marriages.

Typically, most marriages attempt to strive for a marriage so intertwined that without each other they feel lost.

“Baby, I’m lost without you.”

Some even feel down when their spouse is in a bad mood.

“If momma ain’t happy, nobody is happy.”

The only person we should feel lost without is Jesus.

We also see this:

Since we think that we should be so alike, we often put pressure on our spouse to act like us.

We are two individuals that have entered a covenant relationship.

In couples with an unhealthy dependency on one another, their heart strings are controlled by the moods, actions, and behaviors of their spouse.

(We see this when we have unhealthy expectations of our spouse, and they don’t meet them.

We end up disappointed and broken hearted.)

On the other end of the spectrum are marriages that are void of any meaningful bond or sense of connection.

You often hear them referred to as roommates.

(You don’t have to be mad.)

(Some people don’t even know there just roommates.)

(There is just no real intimate connection.)

On the exterior you see little to no fighting, productivity in handling business, occasional fun activities, and good co-parenting.

But usually this is because they are experts at sweeping conflict under the rug.

Or because they are so emotionally distant that they don’t feel working through the conflict is worth the effort.

So, now that we’ve looked at unhealthy relationships from two different sides of the spectrum let’s look at a healthy or flourishing relationship model.

To start let’s define an adult.

Adult = Person fully capable and responsible for their wellbeing. (Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually)

Next let’s define a healthy adult.

Healthy Adult = The adult we just described being in relationship with God.

Now let’s define relationship.

Relationship = Two healthy adults entering the sweet spot.

ILLUSTRATION OF THE FLOURISHING MARRIAGE MODEL

Most marriage problems are a result of misplaced responsibilities.

-Either you’re taking responsibility for things that are not your responsibility to fix or change.

-Or you’re not taking responsibility for the things that are your responsibility to fix or change.

Each one of us has our own personal responsibility in the relationship.

1-I am 100% responsible for my thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and feelings.

2-I am not responsible for my spouse’s thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and feelings.

3-But I can influence my spouse’s thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and feelings.

Now that we’ve defined a healthy adult and a healthy marriage relationship let’s look at what unhealthy looks like.

When we’re not that healthy adult version of ourselves we are a reactionary adult.

We react to the fears and insecurities within us which leads to what we call the Kill Cycle.

Why do we call it the kill cycle you ask?

Because it will kill any relationship over time.

These reactions take place when we leave our own separate boundaries.

The sweet spot is where the two healthy adults that have been with God leave that place and enter the sweet spot together.

The negative reactions to our fears, turn the sweet spot into a sour spot.

How many of you would love to get rid of the cycles of conflict in your relationship?

Explain – We’re bent towards blaming the other person.

We react negatively to each other primarily because of our fears and not because of what the other person has done or said.

They have unfortunately bumped into a painful scar or wound probably from something traumatic in our childhood or in a past relationship.

It’s no different than if you cut your right hand during a fall.

And then I come up to you and shake your right hand.

I have unintentionally pressed up against a wound, and until that wound heals, you’re either going to react to it or avoid anyone touching it.

And here is a list of some scars we have:

Abandonment, betrayal, feeling controlled, disappointment, disconnection, rejection, feeling ignored, feeling judged, lack of intimacy, failure, helpless, powerless and many more.

When you react to your wounds/triggers negatively or aggressively now because I was not aware of what just happened, I will react to your reaction.

Which initiates the kill cycle.

And as my wife says, “We have just started running on the hamster wheel.”

Now let’s talk about how to stay out of the kill cycle.

First, let me start by telling you what doesn’t work.

Focusing on the reactions to your fears or insecurities never works.

You don’t try to will yourself to stop reacting that way.

And you don’t try to influence your spouse to stop reacting that way.

Focusing on the reactions only causes you to avoid the deeper issue which is the real issue.

(What is going on inside of you.)

We are going to have to learn to be aware of the signals our body is giving us before we start to react.

Some of the reactions you’ve been having are connected to some of the things you are desiring or wanting in your relationship.

Some of the things you may be wanting:

Intimacy, companionship, affection, safety, connection, commitment, and more.

These are great things to desire in your relationship.

But let us help you, you may have been going about trying to get these desires fulfilled the wrong way.

We’ll show you a better way to get your desires met after the break.