Pleasant Green Marriage Conference 2024

Session 1 9:15-10:15

Flourishing Marriage Model

We don’t believe that people have marriage problems.

We believe marriage problems are symptoms of 2 other root problems.

History problems & God problems!

Our history is flooded with trauma.

We say that we are believers but we don’t really follow God like the Bible says we should.

In our 25 years of marriage counseling we’ve seen confessing Christian’s cheat on each other, verbally and some even physically abuse each other, consistently be in conflict with each other, get so set in there ways that apathy sets in, operate in pornography and masturbation, and a whole host of other sins and ungodly behaviors.

So, most of the problems we see are with us and God more so than us and each other.

Why get married?

Genesis 2:24 NIV

Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

There is a grand misunderstanding behind what this one flesh means.

And if it’s not a misunderstanding, in most cases it’s a misapplication.

This one flesh doesn’t mean the numeral one.

(Could you imagine a wedding with all the family and friends in attendance. And as soon as the officiator says, “I now pronounce you husband and wife.” The two people intertwine and now you have just one flesh. No longer two people but one person.)

This doesn’t happen so we know that can’t be the interpretation intended for the scripture.

This one flesh means unity.

(The marriage now becomes the mission and purpose. [Not my individual way or individual happiness.] There is not a literal one flesh but there is now a new entity created. Mr. and Mrs.)

God uses relationships to cause us to grow.

(By myself I can’t grow because I will never discover what needs to change.)

What we see the most in marriage relationships today are unhealthy individuals trying to have healthy marriages.

Typically, most marriages attempt to strive for a marriage so intertwined that without each other they feel lost.

“Baby, I’m lost without you.”

Some even feel down when their spouse is in a bad mood.

“If momma ain’t happy, nobody is happy.”

The only person we should feel lost without is Jesus.

We also see this:

Since we think that we should be so alike, we often put pressure on our spouse to act like us.

We are two individuals that have entered a covenant relationship.

In couples with an unhealthy dependency on one another, their heart strings are controlled by the moods, actions, and behaviors of their spouse.

(We see this when we have unhealthy expectations of our spouse, and they don’t meet them.

We end up disappointed and broken hearted.)

On the other end of the spectrum are marriages that are void of any meaningful bond or sense of connection.

You often hear them referred to as roommates.

(You don’t have to be mad.)

(Some people don’t even know there just roommates.)

(There is just no real intimate connection.)

On the exterior you see little to no fighting, productivity in handling business, occasional fun activities, and good co-parenting.

But usually this is because they are experts at sweeping conflict under the rug.

Or because they are so emotionally distant that they don’t feel working through the conflict is worth the effort.

So, now that we’ve looked at unhealthy relationships from two different sides of the spectrum let’s look at a healthy or flourishing relationship model.

To start let’s define an adult.

Adult = Person fully capable and responsible for their wellbeing. (Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually)

Next let’s define a healthy adult.

Healthy Adult = The adult we just described being in relationship with God.

Now let’s define relationship.

Relationship = Two healthy adults entering the sweet spot.

ILLUSTRATION OF THE FLOURISHING MARRIAGE MODEL

Most marriage problems are a result of misplaced responsibilities.

-Either you’re taking responsibility for things that are not your responsibility to fix or change.

-Or you’re not taking responsibility for the things that are your responsibility to fix or change.

Each one of us has our own personal responsibility in the relationship.

1-I am 100% responsible for my thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and feelings.

2-I am not responsible for my spouse’s thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and feelings.

3-But I can influence my spouse’s thoughts, beliefs, behaviors, and feelings.

Now that we’ve defined a healthy adult and a healthy marriage relationship let’s look at what unhealthy looks like.

When we’re not that healthy adult version of ourselves we are a reactionary adult.

We react to the fears and insecurities within us which leads to what we call the Kill Cycle.

Why do we call it the kill cycle you ask?

Because it will kill any relationship over time.

These reactions take place when we leave our own separate boundaries.

The sweet spot is where the two healthy adults that have been with God leave that place and enter the sweet spot together.

The negative reactions to our fears, turn the sweet spot into a sour spot.

How many of you would love to get rid of the cycles of conflict in your relationship?

Explain – We’re bent towards blaming the other person.

We react negatively to each other primarily because of our fears and not because of what the other person has done or said.

They have unfortunately bumped into a painful scar or wound probably from something traumatic in our childhood or in a past relationship.

It’s no different than if you cut your right hand during a fall.

And then I come up to you and shake your right hand.

I have unintentionally pressed up against a wound, and until that wound heals, you’re either going to react to it or avoid anyone touching it.

And here is a list of some scars we have:

Abandonment, betrayal, feeling controlled, disappointment, disconnection, rejection, feeling ignored, feeling judged, lack of intimacy, failure, helpless, powerless and many more.

When you react to your wounds/triggers negatively or aggressively now because I was not aware of what just happened, I will react to your reaction.

Which initiates the kill cycle.

And as my wife says, “We have just started running on the hamster wheel.”

Now let’s talk about how to stay out of the kill cycle.

First, let me start by telling you what doesn’t work.

Focusing on the reactions to your fears or insecurities never works.

You don’t try to will yourself to stop reacting that way.

And you don’t try to influence your spouse to stop reacting that way.

Focusing on the reactions only causes you to avoid the deeper issue which is the real issue.

(What is going on inside of you.)

We are going to have to learn to be aware of the signals our body is giving us before we start to react.

Some of the reactions you’ve been having are connected to some of the things you are desiring or wanting in your relationship.

Some of the things you may be wanting:

Intimacy, companionship, affection, safety, connection, commitment, and more.

These are great things to desire in your relationship.

But let us help you, you may have been going about trying to get these desires fulfilled the wrong way.

We’ll show you a better way to get your desires met after the break.

Q&A 10:15-10:30

Break 10:35-10:45

Session 2 10:45-11-45

The Love Cycle

You don’t have the ability to love someone else if you don’t know how to love yourself.

Anyone who has flown in an airplane has heard these instructions.

“In the event of sudden cabin depressurization, oxygen masks will deploy from above your seats, pull down to extend the tube and cover your nose and mouth with the mask, the bag may not inflate, always put on your mask before attempting to help others around you.”

Taking care of yourself is what gives you the ability to help someone else.

With full hearts, we can give out of the abundance of our hearts, instead of from a dried-up reservoir.

The love cycle that we are going to talk about today is the cure for what the kill cycle has attempted to destroy. (Your best self!)

Let’s talk about some of the ways to slow down and become more conscious and aware of what is being triggered in us before we react.

Or if we do react, we can more quickly notice when we have overreacted.

If you want to know what we are mainly caring for when we look to care for our well-being it is twofold.

- We are caring for our hopes, dreams, and desires.

- We are attending to our wounds.

Now let’s go through some steps that will add more tools to your tool belt on how we can care for ourselves as a healthy adult.

We call them the 5 A’s that will protect your heart.

1.Aware

We must develop an awareness that recognizes something big is going on inside of us.

I was okay and now I’m not okay!

Early signals can be something like, I just engaged in mind reading, I just reacted defensively, or I just shut down.

(Remember the natural inclination is to blame the person that triggered you.)

Say, “It’s not about them, this is about me.”

Matthew 11:28-30 GW

“Come to me, all who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. 29 Place my yoke over your shoulders, and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble. Then you will find rest for yourselves 30 because my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

2.Accept

When our bodies and our reactions are telling us there is something wrong with us, we can’t ignore the signals.

Some people are used seeing lights flash on the dashboard of their cars without paying any serious attention to them.

“If the car still starts and drives it must not be that important.”

And eventually a bigger problem arises, and much damage is done to the vehicle.

Acceptance is owning the job we have of being responsible to take care of whatever is going on inside of us.

The job of taking care of our reactions to our emotions is the most neglected job in the world.

The most mature adults are the ones that accept the responsibility of monitoring and tending to their feelings.

Example:

You were just triggered by something your spouse, loved one or friend says to you.

Your response: “I can tell something just triggered me. Before I slip into one of my old reactions, I’m going to pause and go spend a few moments alone to work through what’s going on in me.”

That is a healthy adult.

3.Allow

Even though caring for ourselves as healthy adults is our own responsibility, we don’t have to do it alone.

We can invite our heavenly father to join us, teach us, reveal to us, guide us, empower us, and assist us in caring for our well-being.

Isaiah 41:10 GW

Don’t be afraid, because I am with you. Don’t be intimidated; I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will support you with my victorious right hand.

You can also find people who are safe in your life to come along side of you and help you discover what lies beneath the surface inside of you.

You could see a therapist, a friend, and if the person that triggered you is not your spouse, they can assist you.

The person that you ask for assistance is not there to fix you.

They are not there to look down on you.

They are there to listen to you.

They are there to be curious with you.

They are there to be compassionate to you.

They are there to go deep sea diving with you.

When you go to God ask Him to help you to think clearly.

Remember your spouse is not your enemy.

Ask God to help you recognize what the deeper issues inside of you are.

4.Attend

Attending is a time to tune in to what is going on in our hearts and minds.

We are seeking to understand, identify and care for the wounds, fears, desires, and needs in our life.

Philippians 4:6-7 NLT

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to start the process.

What am I feeling?

Simply putting a name to how you are feeling helps to calm you immediately.

Is it a familiar feeling?

Have you felt this way before?

Does the feeling remind you of past hurts or fears?

(Childhood, previous relationships, in marriage, etc.)

This whole attending step is about wrestling with your past and finding out what you have compartmentalized.

What negative or unhelpful thoughts am I thinking that are turning up the volume and amplifying these feelings?

This is where we try to recognize unhealthy thought patterns.

-Placing too much focus on “What really happened?” or “What are we going to do?”

-Mind reading! Assuming we know what, the other is thinking and feeling.

-Personalizing!

-Catastrophizing/Exaggerating/Assuming the worst.

-Black and white thinking.

-Minimizing/stuffing the emotions.

-Judging our emotions.

What is true?

What are you believing about yourself, your spouse, God, or your relationship that might not be completely true?

Make a list of negative, unhelpful beliefs that tend to make a lot of noise inside your thoughts.

You want to know what God’s truth is.

What do I want?

Ask yourself:

“What is it that I want in the current situation?

“What would I rather experience and feel instead?

“Who did God create me to be?”

“What attributes do I want to display moving forward?”

“What attributes will increase my chances for what I want?”

5.Act

Once we’ve zeroed in on what’s going on inside of us and are clearer about what is true, we can shift our attention to an action plan that responds to what lies beneath rather than reacting to surface activity.

The goal is to act on the response that gives us the best chance to be our best self.

We already know the kill cycle doesn’t do that.

So, acting on the truth about what and who God says we are will produce better results than negative reactions.

1 Peter 2:9 GW

However, you are chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, people who belong to God. You were chosen to tell about the excellent qualities of God, who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

Ephesians 2:10 GW

God has made us what we are. He has created us in Christ Jesus to live lives filled with good works that he has prepared for us to do.

Now let’s focus on something we all need in our marriages.

A win-win relationship.

Imagine a circle that represents our covenant which encompasses our entire relationship.

It would include Father God, the husband, and the wife.

We are always trying to avoid a breach of this circle/covenant that encompasses the relationship.

This would require ongoing monitoring and reinforcement of this covenant commitment.

We would need to work as a team to protect it.

That would require us to honor our differences, move in unity, and assure that neither of us loses.

And this allows us to display God’s glory, leave a godly legacy, and inspire godly offspring, and be a light to others.

This is the only model.

This allows us to display God’s glory, leave a godly legacy, and inspire godly offspring, and be a light to others.

This is the only model.

We understand that we are different.

Usually, we see that couples allow differences to drive them apart.

Differences are vital for a team to be efficient and effective.

Could you imagine if the Kansas City Chiefs football team had 53 quarterbacks on the roster.

No diversity in that type of roster.

The same goes for the marriage relationship.

If we are both the same and there are no differences, one of us wouldn’t be needed.

One person has strengths in an area that the other might be weaker.

And vice versa.

1 Corinthians 12:14-22 NIV

Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.

15 Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.

You can read the entire passage in your study time, but the point here is that diversity is necessary.

The problems we experience in marriage are not caused by our differences, but by not honoring our differences.

Our differences are what make us unique.

God made each of us unique and different.

Even twins are not the same.

Psalm 139:14 GW

I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this.

Since God created each of us purposefully and intentionally, neither of us should attempt to be any different than God made us.

There needs to be room in the marriage for both of us to be true to who we are.

We do need to make changes when they are needed to honor God.

But doing things different and being different are not the same.

The objective is to honor and value our unique design while also learning how to best utilize the difference.

Ephesians 4:3 NIV

Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Unity is essential and mandatory for a godly marriage.

As we see in Ephesians 4, God is all about unity.

God showed us himself through a unified relationship with the Father, Son, and Spirit.

And just as God is unity personified, our marriage needs to personify unity.

Unity is a oneness, but it is not sameness.

It is sad to see when people in a relationship lose or deny their individuality.

We don’t have to lose who we are to be unified.

Differences are innate, and they are a God-designed blessing.

Unity occurs when two individuals share a common purpose, like being committed to serve God and being conformed to the image of Christ.

We know that God hates divorce so we must adopt a win, win policy where neither of us loses.

This is where we both win, or no one wins.

It’s like being on a sports team. If the Lakers win the game, it’s impossible for half the team to win and half the team to lose.

We win as a team, or we lose.

In our marriage it needs to be completely unacceptable for either of us to walk away feeling as though we loss.

The goal is not to get our own way, because if that’s the goal it puts us in an adversarial position.

And if we are adversaries, someone must lose.

In marriage we must be open to find a solution to any problems that arise in which both of us can feel good about.

It can be his way, her way, a combination of both, or some completely different alternative.

If you have this winning policy, both of you will always feel safe in the marriage.

Sometimes finding a winning solution may not always come easy.

Be open to possibilities that may come to light as you take the time to ponder over ideas and brainstorm.

No one wants to sign up for a losing team.

And no one on a losing team wants to keep losing.

We all want to win.

Q&A 11:45-12:00

Lunch 12:00-12:30

Breakout Sessions Men with Men & Women with Women

12:30-1:30

DTR w/God – Define the relationship.

DTR w/your spouse – Define the relationship.

Are you a Fan or Follower?

During Jesus time on earth, he would inevitably put them in a position where they had to define their relationship with him, is it casual or committed.

Matthew 16:24-25 NIV

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 25 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.

Luke 9:23-24 NIV

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. 24 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it.

Many of them were exposed to be nothing more than fans, just enthusiastic admirers of Jesus at best.

It’s not that fans don't want a relationship with Jesus, they just want a relationship with him on their terms.

What kind of relationship does Jesus want to have with us?

That's what matters, what are his terms, what would he say?

What kind of relationship does your spouse want to have with you?

That's what matters, what would they say?

When you took on a spouse did you ever ask God what it was for?

Have you ever thought of the purpose of the marriage relationship?

Have you defined your Role?

And do you believe it's equal, but different roles?

But just as important.

And as the Husband do you understand you're completely responsible?

For the tools you have received today to work best you will need to understand that you have help.

If these questions have not been answered, the relationship is probably suffering.

And you men don't like to hear that you didn't get it right.

But you have an opportunity to get it right.

Conflict!

Communicate about anything.

Humility vs. Pride

Q&A 1:30-1:45

Questions that came in.

Balance, business, working together vision, business blended family, patterns, careers, and purpose.

Want a strong marriage in the word. Stay close to God together.

Understanding our needs to each other.