Ephesians 5:21-6:9

Christian Relationships

Perhaps there are very few verses in all of scripture that cause as much consternation as these. Very few verses have had as many books written about them as these. Very few verses have played host to as much theological gymnastics as these.

Why? What is it about this passage that causes many a minister to avoid preaching them? In part it is because these verses put forward and commend two realities in the context of human relationships, two realities that the world and the current culture hates with a passion; authority and submission.

Complete personal autonomy is the idol of modern western culture; the idea that you don’t have to submit to anyone, ever. You do whatever you like and anyone who dares to challenge your choices doesn’t deserve a share in your life.

This is sadly even true of relationships within the family. Children are given absolute free reign to live as they please, define their own reality, parents no longer feel it is their place to help their children to do that, the child must be free to create their own reality.

The ideas of order, structure, headship (particularly male headship), authority and obedience in a household are things that are shouted down in modern culture.

But God has ordained that there ought to be order in the family. He has ordained that there is authority in the household, there ought to be headship.

Submission isn’t a dirty word, and it doesn’t necessarily constitute oppression or abuse. A parent submitting to the needs of their child is a most natural and necessary thing. When submission is done out of love, it is something which is absolutely necessary to the strength and health of a relationship.

A Continuation

The whole of this section is governed by verse 21, Eph 5:21

Ephesians 5:21 ESV

21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

It’s all about submission. It’s a continuation of the discussion on Christian living picked up in chapter 4. It’s a description of the kind of behaviour that is pleasing to God in the context of various relationships.

The Order

The fact that Paul’s subject is submission throughout the whole of this passage is further proven by the order in which he places those he is addressing; wives then husbands, children and then parents, servants and then masters.

The same order is present in his letter to the Colossians, Col 3:18-22

Colossians 3:18–22 ESV

18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. 20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. 22 Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord.

It is no accident that he orders it this way. He is saying ‘you all ought to submit to one another’ ‘and if you do that in general, to everyone, then how much more ought a wife to submit to her own husband, a child submit to their parents, and a servant submit to their employer.’

WIVES (22-24)

Paul addresses wives first and his command to them (and it is a command) is that they submit to their own husbands. He adds a qualifier - as unto the Lord. The corelative passage in colossians clarifies what he means by this phrase ‘submit to your own husbands as is fitting in the Lord.’ Just as you are to work as unto the Lord, so to you are submit to your husband as ‘unto the Lord.’

This isn’t saying that your submission to your husband is the same as your submission to Christ; in all things, always. Because your husband isn’t Jesus! A wife’s primary submission is of course to Christ, and if her husband wants her to disobey Christ, lead her into sin or wants to cause her harm then she ought not to submit to him in that.

But it is to say that Christ is pleased when a wife submits to her husband, when she defers to him in their relationship. This is what marks out a Christian marriage from all the rest, it’s what makes it different!

Paul also gives a reason for this; wives are to submit to their husband because the husband is her head, even as Christ is head of the Church. Just as the church submits to Christ, so should wives submit to their husbands.

The complaint of many women is ‘I will submit to him when he starts showing that he is worthy of my submission’ etc, but Paul makes no mention of this clause. The husband doesn’t need to earn the right to be the head of the household, it is not a competition, he is the head of the household.

HUSBANDS (25-33)

Now, husbands. We get four times more verses than the ladies so clearly God knows which sex is better at listening!

Husbands are commanded to love their wives. And again he adds the qualifier ‘as Christ loved the church.’ So again the relationship between Jesus and His Church is seen as the archetypal picture of marriage between a man and a woman.

And what example does Christ set for husbands in loving their spouse, ‘in that he gave himself up for his bride.’ A husband is to love his wife in such a way that he is always ready to give of himself for her benefit. His mind is always to be firstly on her wellbeing and then his own.

Paul says that when he does this, when he put his wife first, he is in a sense loving himself anyway, since husband and wife are one flesh.

The man also has the responsibility of cherishing and nourishing his wife, not only physically but also spiritually. Far too many Christian husbands are lazy in this respect, they leave the spiritual leadership of the household to their wives, which is really to abdicate part of their role as the head of the household and is really actually to sin against God and their wife.

Some men withhold affection from their wives, saying ‘well, I will love her when she starts behaving in a more lovable way,’ but again, God’s word gives no concession here. A husband must love his wife. Full stop.

CHILDREN AND PARENTS (6:1-4)

Children are commanded to ‘obey’ their parents, not the other way around! As Paul says, for this is right!

Honour your father and mother that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.

Fathers are given one negative command and two positive ones

Do not provoke your children to anger

Discipline them in the Lord

Instruct them in the Lord

SERVANTS AND MASTERS (6:5-9)

We musn’t make the mistake of thinking that being a bondservant in the 1st century ad was the same as being a chattel slave in the 1800s. Servants had rights and were protected by laws, it cannot be paralleled with the kind of life that slaves endured on the plantations in more recent times.

In the first century it would have been absolutely possible that both a servant and their master both become Christians and end up worshipping in the same Church. In the church of course there would be no partiality, no more deference and honour would have been given to the master over the servant. Perhaps in some instances this might have brought challenges into the working relationship. With servants perhaps feeling that they no longer needed to show as much deference and honour to their masters, since they both approach God on a level playing field, or perhaps seeking to free themselves from their masters.

But Paul says that rather than this new reality lessening the servants respect and honour for their master it ought to increase it.

Servants ought to obey their employers, not just for eye service, but from the heart, as bond servants of Christ.

Rendering their services as unto the Lord not to men. Knowing that the Lord will reward their good works done in secret.

Masters were to lead as under the fear of the Lord, not bullying, not threatening but doing good.

If Christians brought this kind of attitude in to work each week what a difference it would make!