Pathways Lesson 8: Resolving Conflict God’s Way

Matthew 7:1–8 KJV 1900

1 Judge not, that ye be not judged. 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. 3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? 4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? 5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye. 6 Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you. 7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: 8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

Title: Resolving Conflict God’s Way

Introduction…

Where two or three are gathered together in His name, there will eventually be conflict.

You say, “I don’t want any”.

It’s an inevitable part of relationships and being a part of something.

And because we’re all members of His body and connected by relationships, there will be conflict.

No matter how much we all love God, and want to serve Him, and advance His kingdom, it’s going to come.

Conflict can take on many forms and have many results:

Gossip and slander can slowly poison an entire congregation.

Unresolved tensions between the pastor and other leaders can destroy cooperation and rob a church of effective leadership.

Prolonged conflict within the family can lead to rebellious children or bitter divorce.

Deadlocks on church committees can cripple needed ministries.

Disputes between members who do business with one another can lead to lawsuits.

Any time a conflict between two people in a church isn’t properly resolved, it can grow and infect an entire congregation.

When this happens, it’s in direct opposition to what Jesus prayed for the church.

“I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message. I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one - as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me. I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one. I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me” (Jn.17:20-23 - NLT).

Apparently, conflict was a part of the early church, otherwise, Paul wouldn’t have said, “…Let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify one another” (Rom.14:19).

Paul knew conflicts would come, but he also recognized that conflicts could be resolved if those involved would pursue the things that make for peace.

Conflicts will come but they don’t have to end in broken relationships and mistrust if we “endeavor to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Eph.4:3).

Body…

We have to see conflict as an opportunity.

It doesn’t necessarily have to be bad or destructive. It can ultimately work for our good (Rom.8:28).

1 Corinthians 10:31-11:1 shows 3 opportunities that can come out of conflict:

We can glorify God (by trusting, obeying, and imitating Him).

We can serve others (by helping bear their burdens or confronting them in love).

We can be propelled into spiritual growth (by confessing faults and turning from attitudes that promote conflict).

Yet, these aren’t what we think of during conflict, because most of us are trying to either escape the situation or overcoming the person with whom we’re in conflict with.

But opposition can promote the will of God in our lives.

In 1Sam.1 there was a conflict between Elkanah’s two wives.

Peninnah had children but Hannah didn’t because the Lord had shut up her womb.

“And her adversary provoked (aggravated, annoyed, irritated) her sore, to make her fret because the Lord had shut up her womb” (1Sam.1:6).

It was conflict that drove Hannah to prayer and promise, from which came Samuel, who became one of the greatest prophets there ever was.

It all came out of a conflict that worked in Hannah’s favor.

Though we don’t like conflict, the best way to deal with it is to continually ask ourselves, “How can I please and honor the Lord in this situation?”

Don’t let it drive you away from God and your brother, but see it as an opportunity to glorify God, serve others, and grow spiritually.

There are three steps to resolve conflict.

I. Get the Log Out of Your Own Eye…

“Why worry about a speck in your brother’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you say, Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye, when you can’t see past the log in your own eye” (Mat.7:3-4)?

Two kinds of logs you need to look for in your life when dealing with a conflict:

First Log:

Do I have a critical, negative, or overly sensitive attitude that has led to unnecessary conflict?

Our attitudes can contribute, and even be the cause of conflict.

There was a woman who couldn’t go to a football game because every time they got in a huddle, she thought they were talking about her.

Have I actually contributed to the conflict by the things I’ve said and done?

Words and actions are powerful and we’re responsible for what we do.

We will reap the harvest of what we’ve sown, even in our relationships.

If more than one person has a problem with you, you need to take a good introspective look at yourself.

When you’ve identified ways you’ve wronged others, you need to admit it honestly and thoroughly.

Seven A’s of Confession:

Address everyone involved.

Avoid the words if, but, and maybe.

Admit specific actions and attitudes.

Apologize and express sorrow for the way you’ve affected them.

Ask for forgiveness.

Accept the consequences.

Alter your behavior by committing to change how you deal with people.

Second Log:

2. The most important thing you can do in getting the log out of your life and changing the way you deal with people, is go beyond the confession of wrong behavior and identify the ROOT CAUSE of that behavior.

The Bible teaches that conflict comes from desires we battle in our heart.

“What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong – you want only what will give you pleasure” (Jam.4:1-3 NLT).

Some of the root causes of conflict are:

A desire to conceal the truth.

Bend others to our will.

Make others feel lesser so we can feel better.

Get revenge for the wrongs we’ve suffered.

II. WITH A PROPER SPIRIT, Go and Show your Brother His Fault…

We think this is something we can’t or shouldn’t do.

This isn’t wrong or unscriptural.

It’s a part of maintaining and strengthening our relationships with one another.

Jesus didn’t say you shouldn’t deal with the mote in your brother’s eye.

“First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you’ll be able to see well enough to deal with the speck in your brother’s eye” (Mat.7:5).

Now, before you rush off to confrontation, remember it’s important to overlook minor offenses because we all have them.

“The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression” (Pro.19:11).

“People with good sense restrain their anger; they earn esteem by overlooking wrongs” (NLT).

You never deal with an offence because you are offended…

You still have a log in your eye!

When should an offense be overlooked? When you can answer no to the following:

Are they seriously dishonoring God?

Has it permanently damaging your relationship with them?

Is it seriously hurting other people?

Is it seriously hurting the offender himself?

If the answer is yes, the offense is too serious to overlook and it’s imperative that you take your complaint to that person.

“If thy brother trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he hears you, you’ve gained a brother” (Mat.18:15).

As you do this:

Pray for humility and wisdom.

Plan your words carefully – think of how you would want to be confronted.

Anticipate likely reaction and plan appropriate responses.

Choose the right time and place.

Assume the best about the person until you have facts to prove

otherwise.

Listen carefully – “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it is folly and shame” (Pro.18:13).

Speak the truth in love and with the intention of restoring them – “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers” (Eph.4:29).

Wait for a response. Recognize your limits – only God can change people.

If the initial confrontation doesn’t work, you may look for a different approach and try again.

If repeated attempts aren’t successful, and the matter is still too serious to overlook, you may have to involve one or two others.

If that doesn’t work, then it’s to be taken to the church, not the congregation, but the pastor (Mat.18:16-17).

III. Begin Working Toward a Reconciliation…

“Ask and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you; for every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened” (Mat.7:7-8).

If you’re seeking a resolution, you’re going to find it.

If we’re the one bringing a criticism, we need to:

Check our circumstances.

Take it to the right source and do it in private (Mat.18:15).

“A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter” (Pro.11:13).

Evaluate our motives.

We need to ask, “Am I doing this so I can prove the other wrong or to improve the relationship and leave the person better than before?”

Watch our method.

Keep our spirit right as we seek to bring resolution.

“Ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness” (Gal.6:1).

If you’re on the receiving end of a confrontation or criticism, recognize that:

Maybe it’s just their own problem.

Maybe they are trying to feel better about themselves.

Maybe they don’t have all the facts.

Maybe there’s a real fault or issue that needs correcting.

Sometimes God uses others in a confrontation to reveal things about ourselves that we need to change.

When someone comes to you and points out a fault don’t counter-attack.

“Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: who when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously” (1Pet.2:24).

If we don’t counter-attack, how should we respond?

View the confrontation as sent by God.

When someone comes to us, the first thing we should ask is, “Lord, what do you want me to see in this?”

It will help us handle it better if we see the person we’re in conflict with as sent by God to teach us rather than someone who’s just afflicting us.

We can see the conflict in one of two ways:

See only the seeming attack or accusation, which causes us to want to react in anger or revenge.

See God’s hand in allowing the conflict to help us change and become what He wants.

Find the truth in the criticism.

If there’s no truth, then this is where understanding and peace comes.

Most of the time, there is some truth to what is being said and God uses conflict to reveal our blind spots so we can make necessary changes.

ASK YOUR PASTOR!!! Is this person right?

We need to prayerfully search our hearts and ask God to reveal our failures.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: and see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Ps.139:22-23).

If we really want to please God, we’ll accept the exposure of our faults during confrontation so we can correct them and be right with God and our brother.

Conclusion…

If you’ve done all you can and there is still no resolution, know that God won’t hold you responsible for their actions and the ultimate outcome.

All He expects is that we obey His will.

If you do that, no matter how it turns out, you can walk away with a clear conscience before God.

As you walk away:

Continue to control your tongue (Eph.4:29).

Seek godly counsel if necessary (Pro.11:14).

Take responsibility (response ability) for yourself.

Keep doing what is right (1Pet.2:12).

Recognize your limits (Mat.19:26).

Use the ultimate weapon; deliberate, focused love (1Jn.4:7).

At the very least, it will protect you from being consumed by your own bitterness and resentment.

Even if they persist in doing wrong, you can continue to trust that God is in control and will deal with them in His time (Ps.10 & 37).

This kind of patience is commended by God.

“For God is pleased with you when you do what you know is right and patiently endure unfair treatment. Of course, you get no credit for being patient if you’re beaten for doing wrong. But if you suffer for doing good and endure it patiently, God is pleased with you” (1Pet.2:19-20 NLT).