Friendship

Welcome

New to LP

Introduction

Alright, well today, we’re continuing in our series called Me and You: Why we Really Need Each Other, where we’re exploring the often complicated web of relationships we all find ourselves in.

And you’ll notice that each week, we’ve been trying to highlight the idea that each kind of earthly relationship we have paints a picture of the deeper relationship we are invited into with God - a picture that’ not just of our benefit, but for the community at large to say this is what a relationship with God looks like.

Week one, as we were getting this series started, we said that by virtue of how we’ve been created, there is an internal drive for us to be in relationship. It is not good for us to be alone. And the picture was of how we are made to be satisfied not by ourselves but in a relationship with our creator.

Week two, we looked at parenthood and saw a picture ultimately of how God is loving Father who delights in his children and wants to have relationship with us.

Last week, talked about Singleness and said that singleness is actually a picture for the church of what an undivided devotion to the Lord can look like — and that the church needs single people to put that kind of devotion on display.

This week, we’re talking about what the relationship that I think is the easiest to neglect - the one that, culturally, we have almost forgotten how to engage in — we’re talking about friendship.

And I think this is an interesting relationship for us to focus on…because it feels like this is so basic…like maybe not even really worth our time to talk about.

After all, most of us learn how to make friends in elementary school or earlier. And yet, we’ve almost entirely accepted that the vast majority of us are just not that good at it.

First of all, as an introvert, making friends sometimes feels like a nightmare to me - remember, I don’t suffer from FOMO, but JOMO - the joy of missing out.

But the problem is bigger than just me. Every year, according the latest pew research, the number of Americans who say they have at least 5 close friends goes down - at the same time the number of those who say they have no close friends at all is rapidly on the rise! And while there are are lot of reasons sociologists attribute to the rise in friendlessness, I think the underlying issue is fear.

A fear of being known. A fear of being found out. A fear of being rejected after actually opening up.

And so now, we tend to settle for acquaintances — even best acquaintances — in order to restrict access to deepest recesses of our selves.

And yet, what if we’ve missed something?

What if “friendship” is not so “vanilla” after all?

What if it’s actually the very relationship we desperately need?

And I love what one author said about it friendship - that “Far more than an afterthought, a side gig, or some frivolous pastime—[friendship] is instead a lost art and an underappreciated dimension of the journey to the good life. It is a gift from God that each one of us must act on and receive in order to reap the full blessings that life (both here and on into eternity) has to offer.”

And what I want to do today, as we look at two stories from the scriptures, is explore why I believe friendship is so vital for us - why we desperately need it [EXPAND].

And if there’s anything I want you to walk away thinking about today, it’s this: friendship shows us we are made for intimacy. Friendship shows us we are made for intimacy. There’s a lot to unpack with that - so stick with me.

So, if you have a bible with you, meet me in the Gospel of John - New Testament - fourth book - chapter 15. We’ll start here and end here. John 15:12-15. I’ll read the passage, pray, and then we’ll get started.

John 15:12–15 ESV

12 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command you. 15 No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.

PRAY

Friendship with God (Part 1)

Alright, let’s get started. Take a look with me starting at v. 12 (John 15:12-15).

Let me set the scene a little bit. This is the final conversation Jesus had with his closest followers, the disciples, on the night before his death. They are observing Passover - interestingly enough the Passover celebration is going on right now - and he’s sharing with them his last instructions on what it means to follow Him. Theologians call this the Upper Room discourse - and it is longest single stretch of conversation from Jesus in the New Testament. In many ways, Jesus is summing up all of what he’s taught over the years - he’s giving them the ‘so what’. This is their capstone class with him!

And starting in v. 12, he says this:

John 15:12–15 (ESV)

12 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command you. 15 No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.

And what I want you to pay attention to here is the flow of Jesus’ thought. That we, as followers of Jesus, are commanded to love one another…and that the greatest picture of love is in someone laying down his life for his friends…which is exactly what Jesus is about to do! He is about to lay down his life, lovingly and willing sacrificing himself, being crucified by the Roman authorities, dead and buried, on behalf of who?

He could have simply said - laying down his life for those who follow me…for those who wholeheartedly serve me….of those who perfectly do what I tell them to do…of those who get their lives together.

But no, he says there is no greater love than someone laying down his life for his friends.

And yes, for Jesus, friendship necessarily involves obedience, but that’s not true the other way around. If all he was after was obedience, he could have just said that and skipped the friendship part all together! V. 15 though makes it really clear,

John 15:15 ESV

15 No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.

And I think we need to pause for a moment to just acknowledge how remarkable this really is. That as Jesus is articulating the kind of relationship he desires with his people - for those of us who follow him - as he is spelling out what a relationship with the God of Universe, the Holy and Majestic Creator of all things, the one with whom their is No Equal, no one like Him, this God would say that he wants…friendship?

And for most of human history, that would be an absolutely astounding statement - like a stop you in your tracks - shocking idea!

But here’s the problem for us…in 21st century American culture…something has happened to so cheapen our idea of friendship that we miss how truly jarring Jesus words actually are.

So, just for a moment, I think it’s helpful to jump back to a story that would have been foundational to the disciples understanding of friendship - a friendship what was the epitome of what true friendship was supposed to look like…and what we’ll find is that as Jesus talks about friendship here, he’s building on the familiar story of David and Jonathan from the Old Testament book of 1 Samuel.

Made For Intimacy

Flip back with me to 1 Samuel chapter 18. First Samuel 18 - and we’re going to do a flyover of the greatest story of friendship in the bible.

You might remember some of the details, but in case it’s been a while or if you’ve never heard this story before, let me give some highlights.

1 Samuel really tells the story of early monarchy in Israel - Saul, the first King is currently in power, but chapters 16-the end are all about a transition of power from Saul to King David, remembered as the greatest king in all of Israel’s history, the king to whom every other kind in Old Testament is compared to.

1 Samuel 16, David is proclaimed to be the future king. The problem, obviously, is Saul is still the King and there is no clear succession plan. David is not part of the family. David isn’t a “rising star” in the “other party.” But the Lord is replacing Saul with David.

Saul is not eager for this to happen - being King would have it’s privileges and so much of the second half of 1 Samuel is this cat and mouse game between Saul and David - ending with Jonathan finding out that Saul, his father, is plotting to murder David.

And yet, while all of this is going on, we read this unique kind of relationship between Saul’s son Jonathan and David, the future king. 1 Samuel 18:1 summarizes it well.

1 Samuel 18:1 (ESV)

1 And…the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.

And over the next two chapters, we see something developing between David and Jonathan that’s really hard to put words to.

1 Samuel 18:3 ESV

3 Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul.

1 Samuel 19:1 (ESV)

1 And Saul spoke to Jonathan his son and to all his servants, that they should kill David. But Jonathan, Saul’s son, delighted much in David.

1 Samuel 20:17 ESV

17 And Jonathan made David swear again by his love for him, for he loved him as he loved his own soul.

And when they realize once and for all that David will have to flee - assuming they may never see each other again, we read:

1 Samuel 20:41 ESV

41 And as soon as the boy had gone, David rose from beside the stone heap and fell on his face to the ground and bowed three times. And they kissed one another and wept with one another, David weeping the most.

Now, I’m willing to bet that more than a few of you are a little uncomfortable with that last passage…it might even make you rethink the other comments about David and Jonathan.

And it’s true, that if Hollywood were to retell this story, there’d be some real strong Romeo and Juliet vibes at play.

But, you know, I think that it says more about our own cultural moment than anything else that we tend to read into this story some kind of sexual nuance to it…that more may have been going on between David and Jonathan.

And while you can’t deny that this scene is not a common feature probably in any of our friendships, especially in modern American, male friendships, we still need to be very careful not add our own cultural assumptions into this story! What’s described here between David and Jonathan, to this day, is not uncommon in close friendships in middle-eastern culture. In fact, a missionary friend of mine who lives on the Arabian peninsula shared hist thoughts on this passage withe me and said, “I never really understood the profound picture of friendship in this passage until I moved to the middle-east…and saw that this was all normal behavior for close friends here.”

And I think what’s at stake here is that, because we tend to be obsessed with sex and sexuality here, we have unintentionally eliminated one of the most profound and meaningful aspects of friendship: intimacy.

And, again, that’s going to make more than a few of you uncomfortable. Because, again, we tend to reserve that word for a sexual context. But why? There is no inherent reason for that to be the case. It’s just what we’re used to!

And if sexual relationships are the only context in which we can experience intimacy, then I think we’re in world of trouble, because that means this thing we all crave can only be experienced in one particular kind of connection with someone else. And, from a biblical worldview, it is a relationship that is reserved for marriage between a man and woman.

Parenthetically, I think our tendency to keep intimacy in the realm of a sexual experience is part of why we see such a high value placed on our sexuality today. It’s why that’s become, for so many, the most important identity marker for them!

But what if intimacy and sexuality are not necessarily tied together? What if intimacy is something we are meant to draw from friendship too?

You see, the story of David and Jonathan, their care for one another, their affection for one another is given to as a model of the deepest kind of friendship. Certainly not every friendship, but of the deepest friendships we can experience.

I find it interesting that the only other kind of relationship that uses similar language for David and Jonathan, like in chapter 18:1 (1 Samuel 18:1)…of having their souls knit together…is the marriage relationship! Meaning, God intends for friendship, the deepest kind of friendship, to offer us a level of closeness that marriage offers.

1 Samuel 18:1 ESV

1 As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.

Friends, that is an absolutely wild idea!

We talked about this last week. You see, often in the church, we unintentionally (or maybe it’s on purpose) elevate the marriage relationship over every other kind. And what inevitably happens is that anyone who is not married, is essentially told they need to settle for something less.

And when you couple this with the prevailing cultural idea that sexual intimacy is the only true intimacy, then in the church we are often sending the message that choosing singleness or remaining single is the same as being relegated to lower forms of relationship. Like standing outside the restaurant, but never invited in for a meal.

And yet, what we fail to appreciate is that God has designed us to experience a one-soul level connection with others who we don’t call spouse, but friend.

The one whom you can fully bare your soul to, like David and Jonathan. The one whom you can share your deepest fears, anxieties, longings, and joys…like David and Jonathan

The one whom knows you - all of you - who can tell by a particular look you give that you’re not being honest - who can walk in the room and know somethings up - and the one whom you can share the things you’d never want to share with anyone else because you’re confident your friendship is secure.

I mean, what other word can you use to describe this if not intimacy?

Friends, this is friendship.

Friendship as a Picture of Spiritual Intimacy

And now, with all of that background, let’s look again at Jesus words in John 15.

John 15:12–15 ESV

12 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command you. 15 No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.

I said earlier that all our relationships paint a picture for us. Think of in this way - relationships in the church are like stained glass in a church - they are beautiful and they tell a story…they teach! And none of the pictures are perfect, but God intends to teach us through them nonetheless!

And in the church, we have parents, who, as they parent are a picture of God’s love for his children.

We have singleness, as those who in their singleness can demonstrate an undivided devotion to the Lord.

We have marriage, as those who are married paint a picture of Jesus love for his bride, the church!

And we have friendship, the deepest kind of friendship we’ve been talking about, which I think paints a picture of intimacy - ultimately the kind of intimacy God desires with us.

Gospel

It is the gospel that both makes this intimacy possible in our vertical relationship with God AND our horizontal relationships with others.

Application

Investing in our horizontal friendships as a spiritual discipline

Investing in our vertical friendship to foster spiritual intimacy