Marriage

Welcome

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This morning we’re continuing in our series called “Me and You: We We Really Need Each Other” exploring the often complicated web of relationships we find ourselves in.

Each week, we’ve been trying to highlight the idea that each kind of earthly relationship we have paints a picture of the deeper relationship we are invited into with God.

Week one we said that by virtue of how we’ve been created, there is an internal drive for us to be in relationship. It is not good for us to be alone. And the picture was of how we are made to be satisfied not by ourselves but in a relationship with our creator.

Week two, we looked at parenthood and saw a picture ultimately of how God is loving Father who delights in his children and wants to have relationship with us.

Week three was about Singleness and we said that singleness is actually a picture for the church of what an undivided devotion to the Lord can look like — and that the church needs single people to put that kind of devotion on display.

Last week, we’re said the picture of friendship teaches us we are wired for intimacy.

Today, we are exploring the final relationship in this series - and it is the one that I think is the most complicated: marriage.

And I say it’s complicated because there are so many different ideas flying around about what marriage is, what it should be, how it works, who it’s for…and these cross political, religious, and personal lines. In fact, it’s safe to say that, today, in 21st Century American Culture, there is a lot of confusion about what marriage even is, let alone how “to have and to hold” a healthy one.

Introduction - Marriage Confusion

And it’s not hard to see where this confusion about marriage comes from. First of all, it’s a word that we use regularly, but who gets to define what it means? That kind of at the center of the whole argument today!

Is it word/category/idea that belongs to religion or is it a social construct first and therefore open whatever definition a particular culture wants to give to it?

Adding to the confusion is the interesting nuance that some concept of “marriage” seems to be near universal across all cultures. There are very few things things like that - how did that happen? You even have marriage showing up in indigenous cultures that have had no contact with little to no contact with the outside world. Why?

The secular view would suggest that marriage is a social construct and, as an institution, it has produced as the single most effective way of organizing a power structure in bedrock of social order that distinguishes gender roles and distributes social power in a preferable way. It is a unique product of the evolutionary process humans have undergone. Marriage squarely belongs in the realm of social construct. And if this is true, the rules and taboos which govern it are subject to change according to the cultural norms.

The Christian view would suggest that marriage is first and foremost God’s idea, represented in the unique union of Adam and Eve and therefore baked into the essence of being human - not that everyone would be married, but that the joining of a man and women together for an exclusive union would be the common direction. It’s part of the moral “fabric” from which humanity is cut.

So we should not be surprised to find it everywhere.

Marriage, in this view, belongs in the realm of religion. And if this is true, then the rules and taboos which govern it are subject to accordance with what God has established.

The end result of all of this is that, today, we all use the same word, but mean very different things!

This is why any large-scale conversation about marriage today instantly breaks down and is nearly impossible - because we’re not even remotely on the same page about what we’re talking about!

So here’s what I want to do today - and we don’t have anywhere close enough to the amount of time we need.

You will have questions - you will probably have push back - and there a whole host of “what about [fill in the blank] situations that we won’t even get to day. After all, TO TALK ABOUT ONE PART OF MARRIAGE IS AT THE SAME TIME TO NOT TALK ABOUT 100 OTHER PARTS. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have a meaningful conversation.

What I want share with you is share what I believe is the theological vision for marriage the Scriptures put forward - in other words, I want share what I believe God says “This is what marriage is all about.”

And if there’s anything I want to you to walk away thinking about, it’s this: Marriage, as God intends it, is a picture of Jesus’ love for the church.

That, at its best, marriage, as God intends it, gives us a glimpse of the way the Jesus cares for us.

And I know there is A LOT to unpack there. We’ll get to it. Remember you can always submit a question through the notes app!

So if you have a bible with you open with me to the New Testament letter of Ephesians, chapter 5.

I’ll read the passage, pray and then we’ll get started.

And we’ll ease into things so that we don’t start with controversial stuff right away.

Ephesians 5:22–33 ESV

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

PRAY

Paul and Marriage

Alright, let’s go ahead and get started. And I think the best way for us to approach this passage today is to work backwards - we’ll start at the end to see Paul’s main point. And remember, what we’re looking at here is a theological vision of marriage — the picture of marriage we see in the scriptures.

Look with me at v. 31 (Ephesians 5:31)

Ephesians 5:31 ESV

31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

Paul is quoting Genesis 2:24 here…the same passage Jesus uses when He talks about marriage…

And three important aspects of God’s picture of marriage show up here.

First, It involves a man and a woman - a husband and a wife. And this is not God being stingy with who can be married, but is by virtue of how he created the world, with complementarity between male and female. Which is a whole conversation in and of itself and which we are not having today (though if you have questions/comments/concerns about this, it’s a great space for you to submit your question in the notes app). Marriage, as God has created it is between a man and woman.

Second, to say that the husband will leave his father and mother and cling to his wife is not to say that you are to marry a man-child…but to say that the man and woman are off away from their families to begin their own lives…there is something distinct about this relationship.

Third, as they separate from their own families to cling together, they form something new. They become “One Flesh.” In the original language of Genesis, which is Hebrew, the word here is אחד. It means something more like one of a kind…unique. Which is to say that the relationship between a husband and wife is unique compared to any other kind of relationship. At it’s best, it’s exclusive to the husband and wife.

And I think in that way, we have a working definition of marriage as God has designed it: the exclusive relationship between a man and women who have joined together to begin new life together.

Mystery of Marriage

But, keep reading what Paul says about this relationship in v. 32 (Ephesians 5:32)

Ephesians 5:32 ESV

32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.

And this is his main point - the mysterious relationship between a husband and wife - how they come together - how the relationship works at it’s best - the interworkings of a husband and wife - this relationship is a picture of Jesus’ relationship to the church.

We’ve been saying this all along the way through our series. Each horizontal relationship at it’s best is designed to reveal a different aspect of the kind of relationship God wants with us. Parenthood, friendship, singleness, marriage - each one tells a story of the greater kind of relationship that God wants with us.

Now, you might here me read those words from Ephesians 5:32 - and talk about marriage as a picture of Jesus love for the church…and you’re like, “Not my marriage.”

In fact, it might feel, right now like things are falling apart - maybe they have already fallen apart. Or maybe, if you’re married, it just feels like you’re just coasting. It’s not bad, but not particularly good either.

What we will see today, is that where you are at there is hope…there is healing…there is forgiveness…and there can be reconciliation! And I know I keep saying this, but today is going to bring up a lot of questions for you. That is okay. Reach out. Let’s have a conversation. We can work though hard things together.

Now, as we’re getting started it’s helpful to think of it this way. I’ve said marriage is like a picture - well, the way Paul talks about this picture is basically by saying there are two artists who collaborate on the same piece…the husband and wife - and each is adding to the picture specific contours, depth, and texture. Paul talks about what both the husband and wife bring into the collaborative project of marriage.

Look with me starting at v. 22 (Ephesians 5:22-24)

Ephesians 5:22–24 ESV

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

And just so we’re on the same page…

Paul says wives ought to submit to their husbands

BECAUSE

The Husband is the head of the wife — Just like Christ is the head of the body.

That’s bold strategy, Paul…

Now, when Paul wrote this, he knew what he was doing. He knew this would be a pretty jarring set of words to string together - and that people would not like it.

And for some of you, this might even be the point where you sit back, roll your eyes and think, “Yes! This is exactly why marriage as an institution is out dated and repressive.” And we can and should have a longer conversaiton about how a passage like this can and has been taken advantage of by MANY…how it’s been weaponized for a power dynamic.

But here’s the thing, in our cultural moment, this passage is shocking for all the wrong reasons. We’ll get there in a moment, but this “wives submit to your husband…because the husband is the head of the wife…” that’s not the wild part.

Picture of Sacrifice

The wild part is v. 25, (Ephesians 5:25)…but again, not for the reason we might think.

Ephesians 5:25 ESV

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

Here’s what we miss.

We’ve got to understand that when Paul wrote this letter, he is writing to a church in the Roman province called, Ephesus. It’s in modern day, central Turkey. He’s writing to Roman citizens. And as Roman citizens, his audience would have been very familiar with the metaphor he’s using - the Head and the body metaphor. We still use this sometimes today, talking about leader of a country as the “Head of State.” Remember, he’s said the Husband is the head of the wife like Jesus is the Head of the church, his body.

This was the same metaphor people used to talk about the Roman Empire…the government. And it worked this way: Caesar was the head and Rome, the citizenry was the body. The head was in charge, and the body served the head. In fact, Seneca, a first century Roman Philosopher and political commentator, a contemporary of Paul, said it this way:

“The body’s loyalty to the head as its sovereign is so great that it will even thrust a right hand into the flame or plunge willingly into a chasm if necessary. The body will do this because it knows the critical role of the head.”

In every example of this same metaphor Paul’s using, it works the same way. The body serves head. The body does what ever benefits the head. The body is willing to sacrifice for the head!

And yet, here in Ephesians 5, for the first time in recorded history, someone comes along and says something different…rather than than the body serving and sacrificing for the head, with Jesus, it is the other way around!

Look again at v. 25…and yes, we have all the language of the husband being the head of the wife…BUT…when Paul says “and here’s what that looks like” he adds a twist no one saw coming—one that we often fail to see—

Ephesians 5:25 ESV

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

Husbands, the picture you are called to paint in your marriage is a picture of sacrifice, NOT FOR YOURSELF, BUT FOR YOUR BRIDE.

Love as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.

[STORY] Father-in-law giving up career at the height of his popularity.

Husband, where in your life are you sacrificially caring for your wife? [EXPAND]

And we are not talking about a “meeting you half way” kind of deal - why? Because, that is not how Jesus has loved us…he doesn’t meet us half way and say, “you can do the rest.”

Now, this is not to say that wives aren’t called to a sacrificial kind of love and care for their husbands. No! In many ways, showing a sacrificial kind of love is just part of the normal Christian life and the way Jesus calls us to love one another. In fact, we saw this last week!

John 15:12 ESV

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.

This doesn’t magically become null and void in the marriage relationship so that sacrificial love is only the husband’s job!

But think back to what I said about marriage being like a collaborative project between two artists. Paul is saying, the husband, as an artist, has a particular style that he should favor. And when we look at the picture of marriage, at its best, we should see clearly the style of sacrifice in the way the husband cares for his wife.

Picture of Submission

Now, we can talk about the wife’s style as an artist in marriage. Look again at what Paul says in v. 22 (Ephesians 5:22-24)

Ephesians 5:22–24 ESV

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Submission is a loaded word.

Because in our horizontal relationship with one another, we can’t help but think of submission as anything other than robotic obedience…just doing what we’re told because we were told to do it. We envision a task master on the other end who reaps all the benefits from this kind of relationship.

And so with all of that, it’s really hard to read these words as anything other than restrictive and repressive.

However, Paul gives us some parameters that help us rethink what submission first sounds like to us.

First of all, he tells us a wife’s submission is supposed to look like our submission to the Lord. Look how v. 22 ends, “…as to the Lord.”

And for however much we may import a very negative idea of submission in our own minds today, we can’t miss that the kind of relationship he wants with us is not defined by unthinking obedience, but characterized by love and reverence. Really, we’ve spent many of weeks talking about this idea.

You might remember a few weeks ago, we talked 1 Peter 1 and saw that God wants to be the Father we revere, not the dad we fear.

That he is like the Loving Father, who delights to give good gifts to his children…who knows what we need before we even open up our mouths to ask!

And so a submission to him is not rooted merely in unquestioning obedience…just doing what he says, it’s rooted in trust! And that trust brings about a deference to Him, even when we’re not fully sure how it will play out! It’s a submission that says, “I am choosing to trust you.” Which is a radical idea for us!

And yet, how much of the Christian life is built upon our ability to trust and need to grow in trusting the Lord for what is next in our lives!

Now we can go back to v. 22.

Paul is saying, wives, the opportunity you have in marriage, your artistic style, is that of submission to your husband. You are choosing to say to him, I will trust you. NOT BECAUSE YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO, but because the trust you extend to your husband is a picture of the ultimate trust we need in our relationship with God Himself!

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But again, Paul builds in a safeguard against authoritarianism. This is not a case of “husband knows best.

Nor is it true that submission only goes one way between husbands and wives. Again, just like with sacrificial love being something all followers of Jesus are called to, so is submission!

To see this, we just need to back up one verse.

In the second half of Ephesians 5, Paul has been giving general instructions about living the Christian - saying, broadly, this is what your life ought to be marked by as followers of Jesus. He runs through a number of different elements, but notice what he says in v. 21.

Ephesians 5:21 ESV

submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

That the trusting deference of submission is present in our lives with one another!

And again, this doesn’t become null and void in the marriage relationship as if submission is ONLY the wife’s job.

But, as Paul says, it the dominant artistic style the wife brings to the collaboritive project of marriage. And when we look at the picture of marriage, at its best, we should see clearly the style of submission in the way the wife cares for her husband.

Choosing to Put the Gospel on Display

Here’s what’s hard about this: Paul doesn’t say to do this if and only if your wife is doing her part. Or only if your husband is doing his.

Putting the Gospel on display.

Application

What story does my marriage tell? What if I’ve been divorced?