The Divine Gift of Singleness

Today we conclude our Family Matters series. I have saved this topic for last not because it is the least significant, but because it is often overlooked. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 46.6% of American adults are unmarried. This includes all adults over the age of 18 who are either widowed/widower, divorced, or never married. There are varying reasons for all these, which we won’t get into today, but this is no small number. This is approximately 117 million people.

In the church, singleness is far less common. The unspoken expectation is that you grow up, get married, and have children. This is not only natural, but a command. God told us to be fruitful and multiply. But not everybody grows up to fulfill this command. Because marriage and family are the focus of so many ministries, the single folks often get left out or marginalized, especially for those who never married.

But there is actually much to consider regarding singleness in the Bible. As you know, very prominent people in the Bible were single. Jesus was single. John the Baptist was single. Mary, Martha, and Lazarus may have been single. So we are going to talk about singleness within the body of Christ.

One of the only places in the New Testament where singleness is specifically addressed is in 1 Corinthians 7. Paul spends much of chapter 7 speaking on marriage related issues, but within the text we glean some insights about singleness.

Singleness is not inferior to marriage.

There is the common expectation and hope that parents will raise children who will one day marry and have a family of their own. And for most people, this is generally the way of things. But this is not the case for everybody. Listen to what Paul says:

1 Corinthians 7:7–9 NASB95

Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

Paul’s desire, even though marriage is the norm, is that all men were as he was, that is, unmarried. In verse 8, he wishes the unmarried and widows to stay as such, just as he is. Paul has just revealed his marital status. There are some who argue that Paul may have been married before he began his ministry, but there is no evidence to support that. But it does seem that Paul spent his ministry as an unmarried man. At the time he wrote 1 Corinthians, he was not married. That’s what it says right here. If a believer in Christ has the self-control to remain single, he or she should. But if he or she lacks self-control, then the solution is to marry so as to satisfy those desires.

Let's be clear: Paul isn't suggesting that marriage is inherently wrong or inferior. Rather, he's highlighting the beauty and validity of both paths, recognizing that each individual has unique gifts, callings, and circumstances. For those who possess the self-control to maintain a life of singleness, Paul encourages them to embrace it as a noble pursuit. Yet, he also acknowledges the reality that not everyone possesses this level of self-control. For those who find themselves unable to contain their passions, marriage becomes a viable and honorable solution.

Those who are single are able to express a devotion to God that married people cannot.

Later in the same chapter, Paul speaks of living in the condition one is presently in. Much of it refer to those who are married staying as married. But look at what he says here:

1 Corinthians 7:32–35 NASB95

But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. This I say for your own benefit; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord.

Remember, the context here is of the Christian church, and assumes that those in the church are living an otherwise healthy life according to the Word of God. Just because one is single does not mean that he or she has fixed their eyes on God any more than a married person has. It is entirely possible for a single person to be just as distracted by life as a married person is. But given the same desire to live a life that is pleasing to God, it is easier for a single person to do more for the kingdom of God than a married person simply because they have less commitments that have already been made.

Let’s take for example the opportunity for two people to go on a mission trip. One is single and the other is married. The single person has an easier time making that commitment than the married person because the married person has a family to consider. I went to England in 2008 on my first international trip. It was very easy to say yes to that. I was single at the time. I wasn’t taking any classes. I had the vacation time at work. I didn’t have to ask anybody’s permission. I went, had a good time, and learned a lot. It was relatively easy to go do that. Today, the Philippines is seemingly on the horizon. How am I supposed to manage that with a family of two? I’m asking those same questions as I think about taking a trip to Brownsville, which is a lot closer. The point is God has given me more to manage and I can’t make decisions on my own anymore.

A single person has more capacity to be involved in more kingdom work and this should be seen as a blessing even in the waiting for a spouse. I wanted to get married one day in 2008. But that didn’t keep me from going and being used by God. I only regret not doing more of those things when I was younger. But now it is my joy to minister primarily to my family and to yours.

We ought to acknowledge and cherish the fact that those who are single can offer such value to the body of Christ precisely because of their singleness.

Celibacy is a gift from God that should be valued in the church.

Going back to Paul’s statements in verses seven through nine, it is clear that his desire is for those who are single to remain single in part because they are potentially able to dedicate more time to the Lord than married people are. The more important thing to understand is that marriage, though presented as the biblical norm, brings with it a potential distraction. This distraction is not a bad thing, as it was created by God and given to us as a gift. But there are those who are called to a life of celibacy. Such a life requires a great deal of self-control, which is why Paul says that if a person lacks such self-control, then he should marry.

Jesus is the most famous single person of all time. He makes a statement concerning this in Matthew chapter 19. The chapter begins with Pharisees coming to Jesus asking if it was lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all. In his response to the Pharisees, he affirms the validity of marriage and the undesirable outcome o divorce. His disciples suggest that if marital infidelity was really the only grounds for divorce, it is better not to marry. Of course, this was not Jesus’ intent. But it led him to say this in verses 11-12:

Matthew 19:11–12 NASB95

But He said to them, “Not all men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given. “For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.”

This statement is confusing. Understanding what Jesus implied is critical. The word eunuch is used in three different ways. The first are a class of people who are eunuchs from birth. The common understanding of a eunuch was one who was male who had been castrated and served in a king’s harem. Well, that can’t be what Jesus means, but it does seem to point to the reality that there are some who are born without fully functioning reproductive organs or they simply have no desire to marry. The second class are those who are made eunuchs by men, which is the typical use of the term we experience in the Bible. These are castrated men who are in service to the king. This use of the term is used everywhere else in the Bible. Then you have the third class who are eunuchs not from birth or because he was made that way by another man, but for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The first two were not choices. One was condition from birth, the second a condition from mutilation. The last is a condition by choice. The thing that all three have in common is an inability to engage in sexual conduct.

Jesus is saying that there are some, for the sake of the kingdom of God, who choose a life of celibacy. This is a divine calling on the life of an individual and the church ought to recognize this and see this as valuable and not weird. When God calls people to a life of celibacy, they aught to be commended for their exercise of self-control. This is a rare gift, especially in today’s hyper-sexualized climate. A celibate disciple is able to focus more of their attention on the things of God in a way that us married people cannot. It is a sacrifice made that should not be pitied, but honored.

APPLICATION

If you are single, whether you were married and widowed, married and divorced, or have never been married, you should spend time before God determining whether you should remain that way. Singleness has its advantages, but you need to think through this biblically. Many who remain single and never marry have done so for selfish reasons. Be sure you don’t choose your marital status out of convenience or comfort, but on what God is calling you to do.

For those of us who are married, we should not look to our single brothers and sisters as projects that need fixing. Often times, the church singles ministry is used as church sanctioned dating service and that is not right. Don’t get me wrong. The church can be a wonderful place to find a spouse, but that is not our purpose. Pressuring a single person into finding a spouse clouds their ability to discern from the Lord whether they may be called to a life of singleness.

Lastly, the ministry of the church must include places of service where the unmarried can find inclusion. Family ministry includes those who are a family of one. We should be sure to guard ourselves from building a ministry that might exclude the participation of single people.