2. A Dysfunctional Family
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David’s sad relationship with his sons
2 Samuel 13:20–14:1
And her brother Absalom said to her, “Has Amnon your brother been with you? Now hold your peace, my sister. He is your brother; do not take this to heart.” So Tamar lived, a desolate woman, in her brother Absalom’s house.
When King David heard of all these things, he was very angry. [LXX /DSS add: “But he would not punish his son Amnon, b/c he loved him, since he was his firstborn.”] But Absalom spoke to Amnon neither good nor bad, for Absalom hated Amnon, because he had violated his sister Tamar.
After two full years Absalom had sheepshearers at Baal-hazor, which is near Ephraim, and Absalom invited all the king’s sons. And Absalom came to the king and said, “Behold, your servant has sheepshearers. Please let the king and his servants go with your servant.” But the king said to Absalom, “No, my son, let us not all go, lest we be burdensome to you.” He pressed him, but he would not go but gave him his blessing. Then Absalom said, “If not, please let my brother Amnon go with us.” And the king said to him, “Why should he go with you?” But Absalom pressed him until he let Amnon and all the king’s sons go with him. Then Absalom commanded his servants, “Mark when Amnon’s heart is merry with wine, and when I say to you, ‘Strike Amnon,’ then kill him. Do not fear; have I not commanded you? Be courageous and be valiant.”
So the servants of Absalom did to Amnon as Absalom had commanded. Then all the king’s sons arose, and each mounted his mule and fled.
While they were on the way, news came to David, “Absalom has struck down all the king’s sons, and not one of them is left.” Then the king arose and tore his garments and lay on the earth. And all his servants who were standing by tore their garments.
But Jonadab the son of Shimeah, David’s brother, said, “Let not my lord suppose that they have killed all the young men, the king’s sons, for Amnon alone is dead. For by the command of Absalom this has been determined from the day he violated his sister Tamar. Now therefore let not my lord the king so take it to heart as to suppose that all the king’s sons are dead, for Amnon alone is dead.”
But Absalom fled. And the young man who kept the watch lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, many people were coming from the road behind him by the side of the mountain. And Jonadab said to the king, “Behold, the king’s sons have come; as your servant said, so it has come about.” And as soon as he had finished speaking, behold, the king’s sons came and lifted up their voice and wept. And the king also and all his servants wept very bitterly.
But Absalom fled and went to Talmai the son of Ammihud, king of Geshur. And David mourned for his son day after day. So Absalom fled and went to Geshur, and was there three years. And the spirit of the king longed to go out to Absalom, because he was comforted about Amnon, since he was dead.
14:1 Now Joab the son of Zeruiah knew that the king’s heart went out to Absalom.
So Joab arose and went to Geshur and brought Absalom to Jerusalem. And the king said, “Let him dwell apart in his own house; he is not to come into my presence.” So Absalom lived apart in his own house and did not come into the king’s presence.
Now I have come to say this to my lord the king because the people have made me afraid, and your servant thought, ‘I will speak to the king; it may be that the king will perform the request of his servant. For the king will hear and deliver his servant from the hand of the man who would destroy me and my son together from the heritage of God.’ And your servant thought, ‘The word of my lord the king will set me at rest,’ for my lord the king is like the angel of God to discern good and evil. The Lord your God be with you!”
Then the king answered the woman, “Do not hide from me anything I ask you.” And the woman said, “Let my lord the king speak.” The king said, “Is the hand of Joab with you in all this?” The woman answered and said, “As surely as you live, my lord the king, one cannot turn to the right hand or to the left from anything that my lord the king has said. It was your servant Joab who commanded me; it was he who put all these words in the mouth of your servant. In order to change the course of things your servant Joab did this. But my lord has wisdom like the wisdom of the angel of God to know all things that are on the earth.”
Then the king said to Joab, “Behold now, I grant this; go, bring back the young man Absalom.” And Joab fell on his face to the ground and paid homage and blessed the king. And Joab said, “Today your servant knows that I have found favor in your sight, my lord the king, in that the king has granted the request of his servant.” So Joab arose and went to Geshur and brought Absalom to Jerusalem. And the king said, “Let him dwell apart in his own house; he is not to come into my presence.” So Absalom lived apart in his own house and did not come into the king’s presence.
Now in all Israel there was no one so much to be praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the sole of his foot to the crown of his head there was no blemish in him. And when he cut the hair of his head (for at the end of every year he used to cut it; when it was heavy on him, he cut it), he weighed the hair of his head, two hundred shekels by the king’s weight. There were born to Absalom three sons, and one daughter whose name was Tamar. She was a beautiful woman.
So Absalom lived two full years in Jerusalem, without coming into the king’s presence. Then Absalom sent for Joab, to send him to the king, but Joab would not come to him. And he sent a second time, but Joab would not come. Then he said to his servants, “See, Joab’s field is next to mine, and he has barley there; go and set it on fire.” So Absalom’s servants set the field on fire. Then Joab arose and went to Absalom at his house and said to him, “Why have your servants set my field on fire?” Absalom answered Joab, “Behold, I sent word to you, ‘Come here, that I may send you to the king, to ask, “Why have I come from Geshur? It would be better for me to be there still.” Now therefore let me go into the presence of the king, and if there is guilt in me, let him put me to death.’ ” Then Joab went to the king and told him, and he summoned Absalom. So he came to the king and bowed himself on his face to the ground before the king, and the king kissed Absalom.
After this Absalom got himself a chariot and horses, and fifty men to run before him. And Absalom used to rise early and stand beside the way of the gate. And when any man had a dispute to come before the king for judgment, Absalom would call to him and say, “From what city are you?” And when he said, “Your servant is of such and such a tribe in Israel,” Absalom would say to him, “See, your claims are good and right, but there is no man designated by the king to hear you.” Then Absalom would say, “Oh that I were judge in the land! Then every man with a dispute or cause might come to me, and I would give him justice.” And whenever a man came near to pay homage to him, he would put out his hand and take hold of him and kiss him. Thus Absalom did to all of Israel who came to the king for judgment. So Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel.
And at the end of four years Absalom said to the king, “Please let me go and pay my vow, which I have vowed to the Lord, in Hebron. For your servant vowed a vow while I lived at Geshur in Aram, saying, ‘If the Lord will indeed bring me back to Jerusalem, then I will offer worship to the Lord.’ ” The king said to him, “Go in peace.” So he arose and went to Hebron. But Absalom sent secret messengers throughout all the tribes of Israel, saying, “As soon as you hear the sound of the trumpet, then say, ‘Absalom is king at Hebron!’ ” With Absalom went two hundred men from Jerusalem who were invited guests, and they went in their innocence and knew nothing. And while Absalom was offering the sacrifices, he sent for Ahithophel the Gilonite, David’s counselor, from his city Giloh. And the conspiracy grew strong, and the people with Absalom kept increasing.
1 Kings 1:5–10 (ESV)
Now Adonijah the son of Haggith exalted himself, saying, “I will be king.” And he prepared for himself chariots and horsemen, and fifty men to run before him [//to 2 Sam 15:1 JUST LIKE ABSALOM]. His father had never at any time displeased him by asking, “Why have you done thus and so?” He was also a very handsome man, and he was born next after Absalom. He conferred with Joab the son of Zeruiah and with Abiathar the priest. And they followed Adonijah and helped him. But Zadok the priest and Benaiah the son of Jehoiada and Nathan the prophet and Shimei and Rei and David’s mighty men were not with Adonijah.
Adonijah sacrificed sheep, oxen, and fattened cattle by the Serpent’s Stone, which is beside En-rogel, and he invited all his brothers, the king’s sons, and all the royal officials of Judah, but he did not invite Nathan the prophet or Benaiah or the mighty men or Solomon his brother.
//2 Sam 15:4
Then Absalom would say, “Oh that I were judge in the land! Then every man with a dispute or cause might come to me, and I would give him justice.”
Absalom’s bitter resentment turned into clutching for his own usurping of David’s power to do a BETTER job than his father in executing JUSTICE, something David did relatively well in the kingdom; not so well in his own household…
Justice means punishment, discipline for sin!
Withhold discipline and what will happen?
“Spare the rod, spoil the child.”
Whoever spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.
You may think you’re loving your kid. Its actually HATRED in God’s eyes, a rejection of them…
Do not withhold discipline from a child;
if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.
If you strike him with the rod,
you will save his soul from Sheol.
As opposed to the fate of Amnon, Absalom, and Adonijah…
all of whom seemed to have been condemned under God’s judgment: they did not seem to know Yahweh
The rod and reproof give wisdom,
but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.
Think about the shame brought upon the mothers of Absalom, of Amnon after their sins?! Of Adonijah!!! Their own husband being taken over and usurped by their son!!!
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
how does this happen?
If your sibling sins, and YOU get punished; or they don’t get punished but you do; or NO one gets punished; if there is injustice in the house, the kids are going to be angry…
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
Absalom was convinced he was doing the Lord’s will.
He was convinced he was Yahweh’s genuine replacement king of his father; Hushai came to him and used the name of the LORD to justify his abandonment of David and his joining Abs’ forces.
David and Absalom…
2 Sam 18:8?!
Psalm 146: the way of the wicked the LORD brings to ruin!
- Absalom lost his 3 sons before him
- And THEN he lost his own life, tragically, and comically, as his glory—his thick hair—was caught in a tree, holding him captive, rendering him powerless before Joab and his 3 spears thrown into his chest, followed by the 10 men of Joab gathering around and striking Absalom and killing him.
- “They took Absalom and cast him into a deep pit in the forest and erected over him a very great heap of stones. And all Israel fled, each to his tent.” (Strike the shepherd and the sheep will flee…; same for every king or hero + his people…)
David should’ve disciplined his sons in the FIRST place.
ESV 563 “b/c of David’s sin with Bathsheba he lost his moral courage and clarity of judgment” and thus did not punish Amnon for his depravity, his unthinkable evil act…
at the same time, he did learn, as is highlighted in 1 Ki 1, with David not “knowing” Abishag… a gorgeous young virgin cuddling him to “warm him” in his elderly coldness/lack of circulation…
David was ANGRY, but he did not do ANYTHING…
Though some manuscripts, Dead Sea Scroll and LXX add “But he would not punish his son [Amnon], b/c he loved him, since he was his firstborn”
The CONSEQUENCES of NOT disciplining your children are TERRIFYING!!!!!
the sin of Amnon, of Absalom, of Adonijah
**1 Ki 1:6 “[Adonijah’s] father [David] had NEVER at any time DISPLEASED him by asking, ‘WHY have you done thus and so?’”
THANK God for his discipline!!!
P: to be YA who LOVE God’s discipline, and never despise it…
who thank our parents for whatever discipline they have exercised upon us according to their wisdom [and in the Lord…]