TWW Kinkeeping

Thoughts about last week’s lesson.

Satan worshipper article from Linda Smith.

Review article on Civil disobedience (2 sources) especially…

Meaning: Is it civil?

“without hatred, as an act of love?”

Smuggling in Bibles, etc.

RIGHT of disobedience vs DUTY of disobedience

Karl Barth: To clasp the hand in prayer ...

Civil disobedience.

Not all protests against evil are civil disobedience (Life Chain is not, what I did at the Courthouse, at the Town Council meeting, etc.)

BUT…

What about the person in Iowa did this past December …

A man who attacked and beheaded a permitted statue put up by the Satanic Temple at Iowa’s Capitol in December has been charged with a felony under the state’s hate crime statutes, the prosecutor’s office said this week.

Michael Cassidy, who was an unsuccessful Republican candidate for Mississippi’s state House of Representatives, is charged with third-degree criminal mischief in violation of individual rights, the Polk County Attorney’s Office said Tuesday.

“Evidence shows the defendant made statements to law enforcement and the public indicating he destroyed the property because of the victim’s religion,” the prosecutor’s office said.

Cassidy, 36, had been charged with a misdemeanor. The enhanced charge is a class D felony under Iowa’s hate crime statutes.

… Cassidy appeared on Fox News days after he beheaded the statue and called it “Christian civil disobedience.”

… The Iowa Department of Administrative Services said the group met the application requirements for the display.

Be careful! You go as far as ...

A trio of anti-abortion bombings took place on June 25, 1984 and 2 on Christmas Day, 1984. The attacks, planned under the code-name "Gideon Project," were perpetrated by Matt Goldsby and Jimmy Simmons, two 21-year-old members of the First Assembly of God congregation, as well as Goldsby's fiancee Kaye Wiggins and Simmons's wife Kathy, both 18. They targeted the Ladies Center abortion clinic and two offices of OB/GYN doctors who performed occasional abortions.

Nobody was injured — civil disobedience?

The Wired Word for the Week of May 22, 2024

Kinkeeping Phenomenon Rising in Public Awareness

In the News

On April 10, Dictionary.com selected the word "kinkeeping" as the Word of the Day. The site defines the noun as "the labor involved in maintaining and enhancing family ties, including organizing social occasions, remembering birthdays, sending gifts, etc."

Earlier this month, journalist Danielle Friedman wrote a piece on the phenomenon for The New York Times. In the article, Friedman provides more background on how kinkeeping has functioned in the human experience over time. Carolyn Rosenthal, a professor emeritus of sociology at McMaster University in Canada, coined the term in the 1980s to describe the behavior of a family member who might be seen as a keystone figure who helps keep the family intact.

According to National Geographic, "A keystone species is an organism that helps define an entire ecosystem. Without its keystone species, the ecosystem would be dramatically different or cease to exist altogether."

Whether human families thrive or not may depend on the presence of an effective kinkeeper, just as an ecosystem relies on a keystone species for its health and well-being. A kinkeeper might be described as the glue that helps kinfolk stick together, strengthening family cohesion and solidarity.

Kinkeepers help relatives reinforce bonds, encouraging them to connect and to stay in touch through the sharing of family news, photos, videos, documents, correspondence, history, anecdotes and memories. They highlight special occasions (such as births, birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, graduations, reunions, retirements and holidays) and important observances such as memorial services, family traditions and religious rituals.

Relatives may rely on kinkeepers to represent the family at special events, negotiate solutions to problems or family disagreements. Kinkeepers may be the reservoir of information about family concerns (Aunt Jane's upcoming surgery or Joe's job search) and joys (cousin Tommy's home run); they can also model socially desirable behavior (such as expressing gratitude, affirmation or empathy) they believe would enhance interactions among family members.

Kinkeepers work to build social infrastructure to provide emotional and practical support (love, guidance, etc.) that can help family members cope with stress and feel a greater sense of self-worth.

Family ties can be disrupted by deaths; divorce; geographical and social moves; career, health and relational changes; and competing priorities. Kinkeepers can sometimes help mend or repair relational ties that have been disrupted by various forces.

Research has shown that most kinkeepers are female. The activities of kinkeeping are often unnoticed, unpaid and underappreciated, but when kinkeeping tasks are unfulfilled, those who performed them in the past may face criticism. Or if a kinkeeper has died, relatives may suddenly become acutely aware of how much that person contributed to the cohesiveness of the family.

In 2022, Molly Westcott, then a college student, created a popular TikTok video about kinkeeping in which she compares family life to a theatrical production in which men are the actors and women are crew members and everyone who works behind the scenes. The actors are the ones who receive the most attention, while the crew may seem invisible. Yet without the crew, the play would not have happened.

In Westcott's analogy, kinkeepers (who are primarily female) go unseen, and their efforts are largely unnoticed "because the whole role of this job is to be invisible and to perform convenience for everyone … but if you look at the men they're sitting at the table talking and laughing and telling stories relaxing with their feet up not knowing what time anything starts" while all the women are working in the kitchen. Westcott says kinkeeping can create a lot of stress for the kinkeeper, while those who are not kinkeepers may be oblivious to that stress.

Because kinkeepers may neglect their own needs in order to fulfill the role of kinkeeper, they need to practice self-care, set appropriate boundaries, and seek support when they need it.

Lifestyle coach Kiran Singh remarked, "Those who take on the kinkeeping role are likely to be balancing many different demands in their own lives at home, at work and in their communities, leaving little room to focus on themselves."

"When it's done from a place of resentment or obligation, that's when you get into trouble," said psychiatrist Pooja Lakshmin, the author of Real Self-Care.

Psychotherapist Randi Owsley agrees: "Self-compassion has a direct impact on reducing stress level. In the act of caring for others, we must not forget to care for ourselves."

Owsley and psychotherapist Jessica Bullwinkle, cohosts of the Women's Mental Health Podcast, describe the kind of support relatives can give to an overwhelmed kinkeeper this way:

"You're not just helping her. You are an active participant in this family and in this relationship. These are not duties. ... It's a partnership. ... This is a team sport like a relay race ... There is a baton and we're passing it off, and you need to be able to run and keep up your part to catch up with your partner to pass her the baton so she can do her part, and vice versa."

Applying the News Story

According to Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, "Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up the other, but woe to one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help. Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though one might prevail against another, two will withstand one. A threefold cord is not quickly broken."

There is a reason Jesus chose 12 disciples, rather than just one. And he had a purpose for sending them out in pairs, rather than alone, on missions.

Kinkeeping is based on the premise that humans gain benefits and minimize loss when they cultivate social connections. We now explore how kinkeeping works in human families, and in the family of God.

Confronting the News With Scripture and Hope Here are some Bible verses to guide your discussion:

Luke 10:38-42 Now as they went on their way, he entered a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him. She had a sister named Mary, who sat at Jesus's feet and listened to what he was saying. But Martha was distracted by her many tasks, so she came to him and asked, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her, then, to help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things, but few things are needed -- indeed only one. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her." (No context needed.)

Fire Bible: One thing is needed. Although active, practical service to God is essential and good, our first and most important priority is love and devotion to Jesus, expressed simply in time spent with him—worshiping, listening and learning from his Word (see Mt 26:13, note). Are we so busy doing the Lord’s work that we do not take time to enjoy the Lord’s presence? Are we so busy supposedly doing things for God that we do not take time to be with God? That is what we need most.

Spirit filled life study Bible: Distracted: Martha’s legitimate concern was to be a proper hostess. Mary’s concern was to be a proper disciple (v. 39, “heard His word”). Jesus does not negate Martha’s hospitable activities, but is concerned with her distraction, worry, and trouble about many things (v. 41), which cause her to underemphasize the one thing that is needed (v. 42), that is, to hear the word of Jesus.

Complete Biblical Library: Jesus told Martha, “One thing is needful.” This “one thing” is not defined. …

Jesus had taken notice of Martha’s undue anxiety and that she was overly concerned about how to care for her honored Guest. However, there was a lesson the Master wanted to teach her—and all of His followers. It is possible to demonstrate one’s love for the Lord in different ways. The choice is not always between what is good or evil. Often the choice is between what is good and what is better. A.B. Simpson, a founding father of the Christian and Missionary Alliance, is reported to have stated: “The better often is the foe that keeps us from the best.”

The Lord did not reprimand Martha for what she was doing; He said there was something better. It was not wrong for Martha to busy herself about preparing a meal for Jesus. There is a time and a place for Christian service, when believers are active in working for Christ. However, there is another aspect of Christian living which must not be ignored. Our “busyness” may sometimes detract from the more important “business” that Mary was engaged in. Mary’s sitting at Jesus’ feet symbolizes the “good part,” the important facet of worship. Nothing is more important than communing with Christ and letting Him speak to us.

Most believers find it easier to be a “Martha” than to be a “Mary.” Although Jesus did not criticize Martha for her work for Him, He desired her worship even more. It is good to serve but service must be kept in its proper place. Martha’s actions were acceptable, Mary’s were better.

Revelation 2:1–5 (LSB) “To the angel of the church in Ephesus write: This is what the One who holds the seven stars in His right hand, the One who walks among the seven golden lampstands, says: 2 ‘I know your deeds and your toil and perseverance, and that you cannot bear with those who are evil, and you put to the test those who call themselves apostles, and they are not, and you found them to be false; 3 and you have perseverance and have endured for My name’s sake, you also have not grown weary. 4 ‘But I have this against you, that you have left your first love. 5 ‘Therefore remember from where you have fallen, and repent and do the deeds you did at first. But if not, I am coming to you and will remove your lampstand out of its place, unless you repent.

So, from this verse it would seem that Christ-keeping must proceed kinkeeping.

This passage features two sisters, Mary and Martha, who couldn't have been more different in personality and approach to life. Mary was a contemplative person, focused on the inner life and spiritual matters, while Martha was concerned about practical things, like getting food on the table for Jesus and his disciples.

In John 11:1-6, 17-44, we encounter the two sisters again, when their brother Lazarus is at death's door. John tells us that Jesus loved them, and they felt his love (vv. 3, 5). Martha, true to form, attends to the details of her brother's memorial, greeting Jesus when he finally arrives, too late, she thinks, while her sister Mary remains at home in her grief (v. 20). Martha also tends to her sister, informing her that Jesus had arrived (v. 28). And when Jesus asks them to take away the stone in front of the burial cave, it is Martha, the kinkeeper, who reminds Jesus that her brother's corpse had to stink, since it had been four days since his death (vv. 38-39).

Yet Martha also declared her confidence in the resurrection and her belief in Jesus as the Messiah (vv. 24, 27). It seems that even in her complicated, busy, caregiving life, she still gave attention to matters of faith.

Perhaps in the Luke text, Jesus was not chiding her so much as reminding her of her need to attend to her own spiritual health and well-being, even while she attended to the needs of others.

Questions: If you have the role of kinkeeper in your family or church, do you need to take on this responsibility?

Why do you think this task should be done?

Why do you think you are the one who should do it?

Do you like the kinkeeper role?

Would you rather do something else?

Is there someone else who could do it?

Would you be willing to relinquish it? Why or why not?

How might you be blocking others from participating?

What might you be doing that is preventing others from stepping up to shoulder some responsibilities?

Colossians 4:8, 12, 15-17 I have sent [Tychicus] to you for this very purpose, so that you may know how we are and that he may encourage your hearts; … Epaphras, who is one of you, a servant of Christ, greets you. He is always striving in his prayers on your behalf, so that you may stand mature and fully assured in everything that God wills. … Give my greetings to the brothers and sisters in Laodicea and to Nympha and the church in her house. And when this letter has been read among you, have it read also in the church of the Laodiceans, and see that you read also the letter from Laodicea. And say to Archippus, "See that you complete the task that you have received in the Lord." (For context, read Colossians 4:7-17.)

In addition to his theological teachings, Paul often adds personal notes to many of his letters. These notes tend to be pastoral in nature, and fit well into the category of kinkeeping, including the sharing of news, joys and concerns; greetings from various brothers and sisters in Christ; commendations of coworkers; encouragement of hospitality toward each other; and the building of bonds between believers.

Questions: How might Paul's letters have helped to strengthen connections among those who were spiritual siblings in Christ?

What can we take away from this example that we could apply to kinkeeping in our own congregations?

Acts 9:26-27 When [Paul] had come to Jerusalem, he attempted to join the disciples, and they were all afraid of him, for they did not believe that he was a disciple. But Barnabas took him, brought him to the apostles, and described for them how on the road he had seen the Lord, who had spoken to him, and how in Damascus he had spoken boldly in the name of Jesus. (For context, read Acts 9:26-30.) Acts 11:25-26 Then Barnabas went to Tarsus to look for Saul, and when he had found him he brought him to Antioch. So it was that for an entire year they met with the church and taught a great many people, and it was in Antioch that the disciples were first called "Christians." (For context, read Acts 11:19-26.)

One of the leaders in the early church was Joseph, whose nickname was Barnabas (which means "son of encouragement"), a generous man who was committed to seeing that the needs of others were met (Acts 4:32-37). It could be argued that without Barnabas, a spiritual kinkeeper, we might never have had a significant portion of the New Testament (the epistles written by Paul or the gospel of Mark).

Many of the disciples of Jesus were understandably cautious, skeptical, suspicious, even fearful, of Paul (aka Saul) since he had approved of the stoning of deacon Stephen. But because of Barnabas' testimony, they took Saul in and even protected him when he was in danger himself.

Then, when the Spirit moved mightily in Antioch, where some believers fled to escape the persecution that arose after Stephen's murder, Barnabas thought of Saul.

"He has to see this! He's got to see that God's grace is greater than his failures and the hostility that governed his life before he met Jesus!"

So Barnabas went looking for Saul, connecting him to the very people who had suffered great loss at his hands. Some, perhaps, were relatives or friends of Stephen, who had every reason to reject Saul in anger. But not only did they allow him into their fellowship; they accepted him as one of their teachers! Surely that experience must have been transformative for Saul, enabling him to fully accept God's forgiveness and empowering him to preach the gospel of grace because the people in Antioch extended it to him!

Barnabas went to bat for John Mark as well (Acts 12:25; Acts 15:36-41), perhaps rescuing him from discouragement after Paul refused to take him on the next mission because he felt John Mark was unreliable.

While the name of Barnabas is less prominent than that of Paul or Mark, his behind-the-scenes work of support and cultivating connections among believers has benefited all of us, whether we know it or not.

Questions: Who do you know whose work as a kinkeeper is incredibly important, even if it usually flies under the radar?

What can you do to support that person?

Genesis 45:15, 21-24 And [Joseph] kissed all his brothers and wept upon them, and after that his brothers talked with him. ... Joseph gave them wagons … and he gave them provisions for the journey. To each one of them he gave a set of garments, but to Benjamin he gave three hundred pieces of silver and five sets of garments. To his father he sent the following: ten donkeys loaded with the good things of Egypt and ten female donkeys loaded with grain, bread, and provision for his father on the journey. Then he sent his brothers on their way, and as they were leaving he said to them, "Do not quarrel along the way." (For context, read Genesis 45:1-15, 21-24.)

Twenty two years after Joseph's brothers sold him into slavery, they were reunited in Egypt. By then, Joseph was exalted to a position of great honor and power. He could have exacted revenge on his brothers, or sent them away without giving them the provisions they needed, or without revealing who he was to them. But instead he invited them to come closer to him (v. 4) and pointed to God's sovereignty that worked to transform their crime of human trafficking (of their own brother!) into the means to preserve life (vv. 5, 7-8).

Joseph urged them to make haste to convey to his father that he was alive and would provide for him, his entire family and animals, so that they would not come to poverty (vv. 9-11). He provided everything they needed for their journey, and counseled them not to fight among themselves on the trip.

Questions: How did Joseph behave as a kinkeeper toward his brothers and his father?

What do you suppose motivated Joseph to act this way, when he had just cause to feel animosity toward his brothers?

Why do you suppose he advised them not to quarrel along the way?

How does this fit with the role of a kinkeeper as described in the news article?

For Further Discussion

1. According to psychiatrist George Vaillant, "the key to healthy aging is relationships, relationships, relationships." How might this relate to the value of kinkeeping?

2. Reflect on this, from TWW team member Frank Ramirez: "The basic assumption in biblical times is that relatives (at least the males) live close and stay in close proximity. Females were expected to join their husband's family. I think some of this frustration/anger is present when Mary and her other children go after Jesus to bring him back from his ministry (Mark 3:20-21, 31-32). He has obligations to the family, to keep with the kin and not to set out on some 'farfetched' ministry. It is his place to keep the family business going, and to become the patriarch -- as his brother Jacob/James did after the Ascension, becoming the head of the Jerusalem church and in effect taking over the new family business!"

But when Jesus heard that his mother and siblings were asking for him, he seems to downgrade the significance of biological blood relations as the factor that defines true kinship, when "he replied, 'Who are my mother and my brothers?' And looking at those who sat around him, he said, 'Here are my mother and my brothers! Whoever does the will of God is my brother and sister and mother.'" (Mark 3:33-35)

What might this suggest about how kinkeeping applies to relationships in the church?

Jesus seem to prioritize the church over blood relations. Agree/Disagree

3. Frank Ramirez also commented, "I think, alas, of how we get together now (more often for funerals), as compared to in my childhood, when cousins got together every Sunday afternoon for food and fun after church. Sometimes the only time kin get together is after someone dies, as with Isaac and Ishmael at their father Abraham's funeral. I would have loved to be a fly on the tomb to hear their conversation. Perhaps it was genuine and brotherly -- or perhaps it was curt and overtly polite and filled with pain." And then there were the lesser known descendants of Abraham, by his wife Keturah and concubines, who apparently were not present at the wake, since their father had given them gifts while he was still living and sent them away from his heir, Isaac (Genesis 25:1-18). Were they even informed that Abraham had died? Was there a functioning kinkeeper for them? If not, why not?

The Big Questions

1. Who, if anyone, fulfills the role of a kinkeeper in your family of origin -- or is the role and its functions shared?

In your extended family?

In your current household?

Are kinship ties considered important in your family?

If so, how are kinship ties maintained and nurtured in your family?

It seems there is no intentional teaching of this skill.

2. What factors are most influential in strengthening or weakening family ties?

What contributes to family solidarity and resilience?

What erodes family connectedness and continuity?

3. If you qualify as a kinkeeper, how did you come into that role?

Did you choose it, or do you feel like it was simply expected of you, and thrust upon your shoulders?

Is it a role you relish, or resent, or something in between? Explain.

4. Where can you see examples of kinkeeping (or the lack thereof) in the Bible?

5. Who, if anyone, fulfills the role of a kinkeeper in your family of faith?

How are kinship ties maintained and nurtured in your congregation?

Responding to the News

You might consider sending a thank-you note or speaking directly to the kinkeepers in your family or church to express your gratitude for what they do. And maybe tell them you are designating them as Official Family or Church Kinkeepers.

Does this lesson have practical application to your life?

How?

Prayer suggested by John 17:20-26

Holy Father, we pray, as your Son and our brother Jesus prayed, that we would be one with each other and with you, as you are one, so that the world may believe that you sent Jesus. May the love with which you loved Jesus be in us as Jesus lives out your love through us. Amen.

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