God-Centered Relationships

Have you ever told your spouse or have they ever told you, that your behavior is not very Christlike?

How about your kids? Have you ever said what would Jesus do to them?

Has anyone ever said, “I thought you were a Christian?”

God’s plan is that we have a relationship with Him that transforms our soul, our moral character, to be an imitation of His moral character.

In “Christianize” that’s called sanctification. It’s just a big fancy word that means to become more like God.

God is sovereign over all things. Everything in the created universe is controlled by Him. And God uses all things to fulfill His purpose in our lives.

And what’s that purpose again?

That we become more like Him.

God gave us earthly relationships to teach us about Himself and to make us like Himself.

I don’t know if it’s divine wisdom or divine humor. Maybe it’s a little bit of both. In Ephesians 5:22-6:9 Paul tells us about 3 types of relationships God uses to fulfill His purpose in our lives.

Marriage

Child Parent

Employee Boss

We’re going to spend most of our time on the first one. The other two we’ll cover enough to understand how God uses them.

Let’s start with the first one Marriage.

Marriage

God created marriage to teach us about His love and forgiveness for us. It wasn’t some afterthought. God didn’t suddenly realize this at some point after creation.

He didn’t just one day say hey, you know what, marriage is a great illustration of my love for them.

No, it was His design from the very beginning. There are three ways that God uses marriage to teach us about Himself.

The first is the joy of marriage points to the source.

Ephesians 5:32 NKJV

32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

The word translated concerning here actually means referring to. Paul is saying that marriage was designed, by God, to be a representation of Christ and the church.

Weddings are an emotional place to be. Tears fall from even the toughest fathers of brides. Because marriage is a picture of God’s love.

Thus, marriage allows us to experience our relationship with God better. It represents the loving relationship God designed humans for.

The two become one. Gen 2:24

Genesis 2:24 NKJV

24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

It’s completely exclusive. The wife completely belongs to the husband and the husband completely belongs to the wife. We get to experience how the jealousy of God works.

It’s supposed to be unconditional. We have a desire to be loved unconditionally. If we are loved but the person doesn’t know who we are, it feels superficial.

If they know who we are and they don’t love us we feel rejected.

There in-lies the problem. We are all sinners. When people know who we are, they really don’t want to love us. Marriage is a representation of love that points to God’s love.

That means marriage can teach us about God’s love. But we can’t start expecting our spouse to be God’s love. They can’t provide all the love our soul needs.

Unfortunately we tend to do that. Instead of experiencing God through our spouse, we replace God with our spouse.

We look to them for the security, love, and fulfillment that only comes from God. When that fails, when they let us down, what do we do?

We get angry with them and say something like, where’s your forgiveness? Or You know God forgives and expects us to forgive like He forgave us.

Men, how well do your wives take a statement like that?

To you wives and prospective wives. You cannot base your identity on what your husband thinks of you. Your identity comes from one source.

Your husband cannot be that source. He can be a shadow of it, but he cannot be that source.

Husbands and prospective husbands: You cannot look to your wives as the primary source of affirmation, happiness, and security.

We cannot expect someone else to do and be what only God can do and be. When we start expecting that from another person we will only find disappointment.

We don’t need a relationship with a perfect man or woman. We need a relationship with a perfect and gracious God.

That was the easy part of the discussion on marriage. Now we come to the difficult part of the discussion.

Our roles in marriage give us a picture of God.

Genesis tells us that man and woman are both created in His image. But they were created differently.

In Gen 2:18 we find the only place in the creation event where God said something was not good.

Genesis 2:18 NKJV

18 And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”

Man was created to be in relationship. We could have a long conversation about the word translated helper and how it is the same word used to signify God helping Israel throughout the Old Testament.

But let’s look at the word translated comparable, some versions have the word fit. It literally means according to the opposite of him.

Eve was not created to be above or below Adam. She was created to be the perfect complimentary match for him.

In fact we get the first ever written love song. “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man.”

I know it’s not very romantic, but in Hebrew it is actually written as poetry and song. This is the picture Paul has in mind when he discusses the roles.

Verse 23 says,

Ephesians 5:23 NKJV

23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.

Husbands are supposed to lead their wives and families like Christ leads the church.

In this way she gets a shadow experience of God’s leadership. He gets a shadow experience of what it’s like to lead and love like God.

Men are supposed to lead spiritually. When Eve was created Adam already had a relationship with God. She is brought into that relationship.

God has already given Adam the commands about the tree. God didn’t repeat those commands to Eve. It was Adam’s responsibility to make sure she knew God’s commands.

It was his responsibility to lead her to obedience. Paul references that in verse 26 when he says the husbands role is to “sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word.”

Husbands this is very important for you to understand. You are and will be held accountable for your wife’s spiritual growth and maturity.

I love how Tony Evans talks about this. He says, “spiritual headship is God telling the woman to duck so He can punch the man.”

We are to teach and protect our wives spiritually. We are also to lead in sacrificial love.

Verse 25 tells us that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.

Our headship isn’t a domineering leadership. It’s not a “hey woman get me a beer” kind of relationship.

We are to lead as Christ led. He came to serve, not be served. We are to put their needs above our own needs. Verse 28 says husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies.

Our marriage should be a shadow experience of how the church is the body of Christ. Paul goes on and describes how nobody hates their own body, but cherishes and nourishes it.

Again he makes reference to just as the LORD does the church. We are to nourish and cherish our wives as Christ does the church.

Let’s talk about the wives role in marriage. I’m starting to wonder if I should have wore a bullet proof vest today.

Let’s look at Eph 5:24

Ephesians 5:24 NKJV

24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

The wife is like the church and submits to the husband. Some of you might be thinking I can’t believe he just went there.

But we’re going to look at what that really means. You see even as far back as Genesis the Bible is the only ancient manuscript that depicts women’s value and status as a complementary companion.

So how does that all work together? Remember marriage is an image of the church.

Verse 23 says the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. My wife is smarter than me, she has higher degrees than I do.

But she submits to my leadership. That doesn’t mean she is ignored in decisions. That doesn’t mean she can’t voice her opinions about things.

The Bible isn’t against women having careers, it isn’t against women having a say in the family affairs.

But, if wives only submit when they agree with their husbands? Yeah that’s not submission, that’s agreement.

Submission implies you don’t always agree with his decisions. We come to God with our concerns and how many times do we not agree with God?

Husbands aren’t always going to make the right decision, but we all get an experienced understanding of what it means to surrender to God.

And we get a better understanding that our experienced submission to God provides true security and joy.

I rely on my wife for many things in our life. I seek her advice in decisions. We pray about it separately and together. In the end if I make a decision she doesn’t agree with, she still submits.

The best part about my wife, is when I do make the wrong decision, (I know that never happens to any of you), she doesn’t give me the I told you so speech. In reverse I’m deeply remorseful for making the wrong decision.

You see, I want to be the servant leader in a sacrificial way that submitting to me is a delight, not a burden. My wife has these dark chocolate covered caramels that she loves.

I want her submission to me to be like that oh so joyful submission to her craving for those chocolates. A submission so joyous that anything apart from that submission feels like a burden.

Men and women were created differently to fulfill complementary roles. Neither men or women are superior, they are equal. We each have a particular role in marriage that allows us to learn more about God and experience God through marriage.

As we go through marriage we come to a deeper understanding of God’s grace.

The Forgiveness in Marriage Gives Us an Understanding of God’s Grace

We go through courtship, proposals, and on our wedding day we think we are marrying the perfect person.

Then reality sets in. Things start popping out in the other person, and we’re wondering how we missed that giant waving red flag. Today when people start feeling disappointed in the other person they just get divorced.

They justify it by saying, “well you were supposed to make me happy and all you did was make me miserable.” That’s not what I signed up for so I’m out of here.

What if. . . hang with me here. What if God didn’t design marriage to make you happy with a “perfect” mate? What if God designed marriage to transform our character to resemble His?

In marriage we are given the opportunity to have a deep intimate relationship with a sinner. We see all their faults, and through that we get a reflection of how Jesus loves us.

Husbands this goes right back to verse 25, “love your wives, as Christ loved the church.” We like to think this verse means being thoughtful, caring, bringing home flowers once in a while.

Not when you’re in trouble flowers, but I was thinking of you flowers.

C. S. Lewis once said of this passage, “the headship then is most fully embodied not in the husband we should all wish to be but in him whose marriage is most like a crucifixion; whose wife receives most and gives least, is most unworthy of him, is—in her own nature—least lovable. For the church has not beauty but what the bride—groom gives her. He does not find, but makes her, lovely.”

When I first saw Jesus and believed. When Jesus married me, I was scarred, horrid, and completely distorted. I was completely entrenched in sin.

Yet, Christ received me, and He made me, not found me, lovely.

How does Jesus do that? How does Jesus make us lovely? He absorbs our sins when we wrong Him.

Ephesians 5:25–27 (NKJV)

25 just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,

26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word,

27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

We help our wives become holy not by punishing them, not by paying them back for what they did. Rather we make them holy by giving them radical grace.

Husbands, what is our natural response when our wives have a problem or a blemish in marriage? We try to “fix” them, or we’re going to pay them back.

We can’t argue them back to godliness, and we definitely can’t point them to God by being ungodly ourselves. That’s not how God transforms us.

Jesus changed us by absorbing our sins into Himself. Seeing His love, His grace, is what transformed my heart. God uses marriage to a sinner that we might experience a reflection of that grace.

Experience how we both give and receive that grace. When our spouse hurts us we can either lash out, pay them back, or we can experience God’s purpose in our lives in their unfairness.

God designed marriage between two sinners and in His sovereignty uses our sins to teach us how much He’s forgiven us. And to give us opportunity to learn to love and forgive like Him.

That’s not a blanket excuse to hurt your spouse. We can’t say “I’m only doing this because God wants to use me for your sanctification.”

I’m not saying that we just stand there and take it either. We correct them, not with a desire to pay them back, or any form of hostility.

No, we correct them in a loving, forgiving way that helps them see the harm their behavior is causing to themselves and the pain it causes us.

In marriage we have a reflection of God that allows us to understand and experience Him.

Child-Parent

But there are other relationships that allow us to understand and experience God better.

Ephesians 6:1 NKJV

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

This is the only place where children are given a direct command in the NT. Their relationship with their parents is designed to teach them about the authority of God.

No, I’m not saying parents are God. But when children disrespect their parents they are being disobedient to God. Paul ties children’s disobedience to the 10 commandments.

Ephesians 6:2–3 NKJV

2 “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: 3 “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”

Children’s obedience to parents is directly tied to their obedience to their parents. As children become adults that command changes from obedience to honor parents.

When you’re a child you obey, when you become an adult you honor. Honoring parents isn’t always direct obedience.

Parents, our children learn to submit to God by submitting to us. Again we see where the father is the headship.

Ephesians 6:4 NKJV

4 And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

Have any of you ever heard, “just wait until your father gets home?”

We are supposed to love and guide our children like God loves and guides us. We’re not to discipline them from selfish desires. Because they ignored my rules and I’m irritated.

If our children are always angry, not throwing fits and complaining about unfairness. But genuinely angry we should consider what we may be doing to provoke them into anger.

In today’s society it is a challenge to navigate those waters. As parents we understand how God disciplines us as adopted sons, and our children understand how to submit to God.

There’s one last relationship we are told about.

Employee-Boss

Ephesians 6:5–8 NKJV

5 Bondservants, be obedient to those who are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in sincerity of heart, as to Christ; 6 not with eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, 7 with goodwill doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men, 8 knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord, whether he is a slave or free.

To even mention the word slaves, which is bondservants, today is almost taboo. But back then it was common for people to voluntarily enter into slavery.

They would become slaves to pay off debts, or even for the security of life for them and their families. It was much more like our employees and bosses world today.

We are taught to work as if we are working for God, not our boss. We may have a boss who is a total jerk. Who treats employees unfairly.

We aren’t supposed to slack off, sabotage, or hinder anything in our work environment. We are to do our job always to the best of our abilities with full integrity.

If we are to be transformed so our character resembles God’s character. Then we must respond to God, not our worldly environment.

In every encounter Jesus had with people, we can see where He was always responding to God, not to people.

Ephesians 6:9 NKJV

9 And you, masters, do the same things to them, giving up threatening, knowing that your own Master also is in heaven, and there is no partiality with Him.

We may be in a position where we are the boss. If that’s the case we are to understand how God uses His power, love, and grace to serve us. That means we are to lead the same way God leads us.

We may get in and lead by example, but our most powerful tool is the ability to empower others to grow. Serve them, lift them up, and forgive them their mistakes.

We learn and understand how to place God first and work for Him instead of earthly things. We understand how God uses His power for us through service.

All of our relationships give us a deeper understanding of God. They give us opportunity to experience our relationship with God in a real and tangible way.

In marriage we learn and experience how submit to Him as children.

We learn how much He forgives us and how we are to forgive and have His grace with others.We experience His grace and experience giving His grace.

In our work or other relationships we learn and experience what it is to respond only to God. We learn and experience how God uses His power in service to us.

God designed relationships with sinners so that we can experience our relationship with Him. So that we will understand that our relationship with Him is not only experienced, but the primary relationship in our lives.

Without our relationship with God, there could be no meaningful love, service, forgiveness, and grace for others.

Our relationships point us to a relationship with the one who will never let us down. They point us, teach us, and allow us to truly experience our relationship with God.

They transform our souls so that our character becomes God’s character.