The Marriage Bed

Introduction

Good morning church, and welcome to spicy week number 3 and final for the book of 1 Corinthians. As the kiddos make their way out into the promised land with Mrs. Hailee Thompson, lets quickly recap up unto this point.

Paul’s letter to the Corinthian church was meant to correct some glaring issues that keep popping up in his correspondence between Chloe. Some of the highlights so far include:

the people’s infatuation with the Greek/roman logic structure, flocking to elegant teachers over those who where preaching the authentic gospel message.

teachings of gnosticism that describe secret knowledge that these teachers possess and no one else does.

failure to realize that teachers are not as important as Christ in our lives and treating those teachers as if they give us special status among other Christians.

Not judging one another according to the word of God but allowing pagan and unrighteous behavior and relationships to creep into the church to applause.

Suing one another in pagan courts rather than dealing with them in house and under the leadership of God’s wisdom and discernment.

The people pursuing sexual relationship with pagan temple prostitutes as a mean to worship Jesus, which is beyond the scope of what should ever happen.

Needless to say, the First Baptist Church of Corinth had some issues and it was needing some help and some proper perspective.

In our time today we will discuss what the marriage bed should look like.

Tension

And while that might seem like a duh to you or your family I would like to re-remind us today that divorce is ravaging us in the United States with many my age or younger seeing marriage as a sort of net risk that shouldn’t be undertaken at all.

Forbes did a study combining divorce statistics for the years 2021, arguably a hard one for all of us but looking at the data some key struggles float to the surface.

20% Parenting differences

23% lack of commitment

24% financial stress

31% too much conflict or arguing

31% lack of intimacy

31% lack of compatibility

34% infidelity or extramarital affairs.

and this one struck me and I think I have an idea about why this is creeping up, 43% lack of family support.

So, if I’m reading this right, there is a case to be made that anywhere between 30-35% of marriages that end in divorce are struggling in areas of intimacy, sexual expression, fidelity, and compatibility.

And If I’m further correct, which I believe that I am, our families, our churches, our friends, our support networks are doing very little to help us find success in these areas. I said it last week and I’ll stand on it again this week, we stopped having conversations about what a good and holy sex life could and should look like. We have been told for so long that such subjects are inappropriate and wrong. So we closed up shop as the church. We stopped talking about these things or at least opening and honestly, and people’s curiosity and struggles didn’t just go away, they just went other places looking for help and wisdom. And here we are. A people struggling to find success in marriage, intimacy, and steadfastness through the years. We need wisdom again and people to help and encourage us to find it again.

So let’s pull up next to Paul here and I’d ask if you’re a marriage man or woman here today that you’d just put aside any preconceived notions you might be bringing to the text this morning and just let it say what it says. We will discuss the whys behind the words in a moment but breathe. Ask yourself if scripture had some real wisdom to give you in this area if you’d be willing to hear it out and receive those words.

Truth

1 Corinthians 7:1–5 (ESV)

1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”

2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.

3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.

4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Pray

Exposition

1 Corinthians 7:1–5 (ESV)

1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”

Note in verse 1 that Paul’s words are in quotation marks. They are referencing a previous thing he had told them and taking it out of context. The Corinthians were particularly good at creating these sort of slogans out of things they had heard Paul say and then using them to twist the meanings and abuse the church.

“may hap-toe-mai” here is translated “not to have sexual relations with a woman, not to touch a woman”. See, Paul had told them before that it would be “better or good” for a man to not be married.” He restates it again and further clarifies his statement in verses 6-8 here

1 Corinthians 7:6–8 (ESV)

6 Now as a concession, not a command, I say this.

7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am.

Paul’s saying that its his opinion that men would be better off if they would embrace a life of singleness as a gift from God. Not because marriage isn’t also a net good, or because Paul is a dedicated bachelor, but because he appreciated the responsibility only to God and the ministry of the apostle. Paul wanted to live and exemplify a life without any other entanglements or responsibilities than that of the debt owed to Christ for the gospel. He wanted other young men to embrace that life too.

But the church had misunderstood at best or outright twisted his words at worst. Some had begun to teach that sex of all kinds was to be shunned including that within the marriage bed. After all, “Paul said so.” They had abused Paul’s words and turned them into their own slogan.

Yet, Paul clarifies and makes known the reality behind his statements in the very next verse.

2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.

He puts this firmly into the context of the reality of the power of sexual passion in human beings and our susceptibility to sexual offenses. Meaning that, despite what you might think, it is of particular ease to fail God in this one matter. Paul’s command to “flee” from all sexual makes sense here doesn’t it. You are hard wired to seek this kind of fulfillment and God’s desire is that you’d only scratch that itch inside of your marriage but many will choose not to.

This is a tricky part to navigate for many reasons and I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the difficulty of being objective in the world we live in. What I mean is this, our vision of the sexual relationship found inside of our marriages has been so marinated in the practices and teachings of our world it makes it almost impossible to see these words without some sort of baked in bias coming to the top.

Studies show us that infidelity or cheating on a spouse occurs in 20% of men and 13% of women. (Wang, W. (2018). Who cheats more? the demographics of infidelity in America. Institute for Family Studies. Retrieved from https://ifstudies.org/blog/who-cheats-more-the-demographics-of-cheating-in-america).

Many have told us that the Bible rendered women and their voices as having little or no importance. Such things were in fact true of the culture surrounding much of the world the Bible was written in but, as a point of fact, the Bible is one of the first books to elevate the importance of women in that world. After all, the first people to discover the risen Christ were two women. Jesus scolds the men at dinner while Mary washes his feet with her hair and perfume. Men gather to stone a women in adultery and Jesus sends them away and embraces her.

Sexual revolutionists have declared that whats good for men is equally good for women and if men can go around sowing their wild outs in their 20’s then women should be able too as well. These drifts towards equality have arguably given women a bigger voice whilst also putting them in compromising situations with undesired consequences because, no matter how much you declare it not to be true, men and women are different. Arguably, monogamous marriage has risen more women out of horrible circumstances than women’s liberation movements ever have.

In 2017 the tagline “Me too” came to the front as many women for the first time came to the front of the line to proclaim all the adversities they had been subjected too and the ways they’d been victimized through the years. The spotlight shined brightly to expose many predators and criminals who had been left to prey on these women for years. Much good came out of it but also, as is the case often, the pendulum can swing too far in the other way as many men have been unfairly or outright lied about.

And today various cultural movers and shakers are going after the nuclear family, gender roles, and even outing marriage itself as a barbaric and arcaic concept.

I say all of these things to just say that this has all happened in the past 20 years of my life. There have been so many things, many more than we have full time to explore here in our time together that have widened the gap between men and women’s relationships. Acknowledging those things and realizing that many people bring those scars, those experiences, and those struggles into their marriages and their marriage beds are all necessary to understand when we discuss such things. We have all been marinated in these flavors night and day for the past 30 years that its almost impossible to not be affected by them.

That is not to say that any of these things changes the Word of God. His word stands true and ready to correct, teach, and give us wisdom as we follow it.

We are prone to wander in areas of sexuality if we are not taken care of at home and that is written here. Sex is given to us as a gift at home. Part of the real reason for that gift is to provide satisfaction at home so husbands and wives won’t seek it out else ware.

I’ve sat down with couples before who were in a barren season of intimacy, sometimes for months and talked about their issues. One lady I had talked too expressed to me that her husband had been sleeping at a friends house for 6 months because of their fighting. “I think he’s cheating on me.” What makes you say that? “Well he was mad at me for a long time because I kept telling him no and that’s kind of what started all of this.” What’s a long time? “Well, we haven’t been intimate in 8 months.” So two months of no and he’s moved out from your house and been gone for 6 months. “Well, no, it was 8 months of no, then he left. But he shouldn’t be like that, that’s not what a Christian man does.”

Can I tell you friends that I’ve struggled with this sermon for the better part of 2 months now. I’ve talked with pastors and friends because I wasn’t sure how to say what I needed to say to you all today without offending people. Our world has its weeds so tangled up in us that we can’t hear the word without hearing all the echoes of all the voices and all the agendas and all the movements rallying their troops. But here it is:

It is wrong for a man to abandon his responsibilities to his wife or his family because sex is or has been withheld. It is wrong to cheat on your wife or your marriage for the same reasons, on top of the fact that you dishonor God in your actions because you entered into your marriage with your bride and with Him. You are called to be a godly husband no matter what that woman does or does not do to or for you.

It is also wrong for a woman to say no to her husband for extended periods of time without real reason. There are fewer things you can do as a wife to reject you husband more, deflate his view of himself, or make him feel like more of failure than to reject him constantly. Listen, sex isn’t everything and as we grow, mature, and age we learn to find new ways to appreciate and discover new avenues to love our spouse. Sex isn’t everything, boys did you hear me say that. Juston did you hear you say that. But rejection can be.

Pastor Adam did a great weekend event when I first got her called “Love and Respect” a teaching that focuses on how we as husbands and wives are differently wired and even called to differences inside of the scripture for how we relate to one another. Wives are called, in Ephesians 5, to submit to, honor, and respect their husbands. That when they do this, their husbands will thrive and when they don’t he will wither. Husbands in the same verses are told to love their wives as Christ loved the church and died for it. Brothers, we are called to die for that woman. So I put to you the question, are you dying to yourself and your own desires because you love her like Christ loved the church? Didn’t those Jesus came to save crucify him? Didn’t he beg for them, on their behalf from the cross they put him on? Didn’t he die to ultimately provide a way for them to be saved?

That attitude, that love, doesn’t wither fully because we’ve been disappointed or told no. Don’t let ‘no’ be the unforgivable sin in your house brothers but love her anyway. Ladies, don’t let “no” be your favorite word because every time you do, those deposits grow exponentially in his heart, making him feel alone and unwanted from the one person who is supposed to be his biggest cheerleader and support. He needs you more than even he knows.

By the way this can go the other way too. Wives can be the askers and husbands withold. Choose your spouse over yourself. You cannot control them, you can only ever control yourself, so bow your heart and desires to the Lordship of Christ and love as he has shown us how.

Notice also, by the inclusion of the words “each and each” Paul is prohibiting polygamy. One man gets himself one wife. That wife only gets one man. This exclusivity upholds God’s design of unity and connection in the marriage relationship. Any form of relationship that opens those doors to other individuals is less than God’s will for a healthy and holy marriage.

3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.

4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

Here the justification for such a selfless relationship is given. There is a duty that we owe one another in a marriage. When we stood before God, each other, and our community to step into this covenant relationship, we gave up our rights to our spouse. We are not two individuals anymore as the Bible has called us to be “one flesh.” I’m a kept man. Amanda bought me at the alter, and like any 1986 buick century, the miles haven’t exactly been kind to her purchase. But we love one another still just the same. It didn’t just happen either. It’s not based on just having met the right person. its more about deciding you’ll be the right person. That you give up of yourself and your rights and your wants daily on the altar of a better marriage. That when I meet Amanda where she is, she wins, we win, and in turn, I win. We’ve given up our authority over our bodies to our spouse who has needs just as we do. I owe it to her to care for her needs, unfortunately.

But as this passage is talking about sex, we need to bring this back to that as well. Husbands, you owe you wife sex that satisfies her needs. You gave her that right at the altar and sex isn’t always about you even if you are the one asking for it the most. Ladies, you owe you husband sex that satisfies his needs. You gave him that right at the altar and sex isn’t always about you, even if you’re being asked for it all the time.

My friend stood before his family, church, pastor, and friends as his rehearsal dinner and, as is the custom alot of the time, people gave speeches, toasting the couple and wishing them best wishes in their future together. To his lasting shame and our lasting humor, his father got up in the midst of the crowd of people there to celebrate them and gave his discourse to the entire crowd on how God created sex to be a glue that would hold a marriage together for a lifetime. You could see the collective eyes of the room widen and grow more and more concerned as he came to his crescendo, “And such a glue should be applied liberally, and often, and that is the key to a successful marriage.” Needless to say, most people in attendance had jaws firmly placed upon the ground. But make no mistake, he wasn’t wrong. A thriving and sacrificial sex life within the confines of a committed covenant marriage can bring about a greater appreciation for one another and the Word backs this up.

5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. 7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

Lastly, verse 5 gives us 3 considerations that could and should be given for when and how it’s okay for you both to abstain.

It’s temporary- for a time or a season… then come together again.

By mutual agreement, not unilaterally

for the purpose of devoting yourselves to prayer (have time, leisure, for prayer.

Verse 6 goes on to say that this is not a command or law that Paul is handing down to use but more of a concession. He does however say that such a vacation from normal martial intimacy should only be for a season so that self-control doesn’t weaken and you don’t make your spouse vulnerable to temptation to fornication (that is sexual immorality). Paul then ends by explaining that his singleness and his lack of temptations towards marital physical relations are a gift from God that he wished others would share with him. He doesn’t have to be burdened by such things and he’d save them the trouble if he could as well.

Landing

To finish up today I want to come back to Dr. Heimbach’s systematic study of sex in the Bible. He says, you’ll remember from last week, that according to scripture, that the 7 principles essential to Sex are that it would be personal, exclusive, intimate, fruitful, selfless, complex, and complementary. Done in this way, seeing to it that each of the cylinders has proper timing makes the engine run right. You get to where you need to go. But if we don’t, we can break down on the side of the road. If a husband would approach his marriage bed seeking to see to it that all these boxes are his ideal goal, if a wife were to approach her marriage bed in that same heart, seeking to acheive these goals in her relationship with her man, God would be honored and their relationship would be strengthened.

Dr. Heimbach adds, “Obedience to these principles always results in 1. Abiding joy, 2. Genuine satisfaction, 3. Exemplary honor, and 4. Pure allure.

Edgar Guest captured this in his poem simply entitled “Home”

Much I’ve done and much I’ve seen,

To many places I have been,

but to me there’s no delight

Like the lights of home at night.

Rest is here, they seem to say,

Peace is here to close the day,

Love is waiting to embrace

You within this little place,

Come, let loved ones stroke your cheek,

Let them laugh to hear you speak,

Here all selfish bickering cease,

Here are love and rest and peace.

I will say that these rhythms in a marriage are some of the easiest to get wrong and look at sideways. You, like many in our world, have likely taken some of the world’s cues and brought them into how you see your marriage bed. Brothers and sisters, I can tell you as a man who missed the mark on these teachings early on in our marriage that pursuing these items God’s way is night and day different. Selfishness defined all I sought in my marriage early on and when I decided that I was suffocating my marriage and ruining my bride’s heart and focused instead on loving her as Christ has given her to me. Seeing her for the blessing she is and for the gift she is to me. I had to take my selfishness and my rights and my desires out behind the woodshed and put a bullet in them. I’ve not regretted it since. His ways are better and I would beg all of you still in this phase of life to not forsake your marriage bed or the one who shares it with you. Pursue them again and love them as Christ has commanded us too.

3 Questions from today’s passage.

Does your marriage and the affection you have towards your spouse speak more of the grace you show for one another or selfishness. Do people want the kind of marriage you have? Why or why not?

Does the way you give yourself to your spouse honor them and God or is their strife in your intimacy?

If you’ve gone outside of the boundaries set for sex here by God’s word, what would it take for you to hit the reset button and try embracing these teachings?