Helping Vs. Enabling: How To Know Which Is Which

 Helping Vs. Enabling: How To Know Which Is Which ( 2 Thessalonians 3:6–15)

Christians have a dilemma. We are told to help the needy and we are also told to be wise. The challenge is to do both simultaneously. Is it possible that our “help” isn’t actually helping? Could we be enabling instead? How do we know the difference? What are some guidelines?

First, some definitions:

• Helping is doing something for someone else that they are not capable of doing for themselves.

• Enabling is doing things for someone else that they can and should be doing for themselves.

Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Yet we all too often find ourselves enabling instead of helping.

Why does this happen?+

• Knowing the difference is hard work.

We could simply be too lazy to discern whether we are really helping or not. It is easy to throw money at an issue and pat ourselves on the back, thinking, “Well, I have done my part. How the gift is received is not my problem.” Maybe not, but continually giving without following up on how the gift was used is your problem. Yes, doing so is a hassle, but if you continually buy groceries for a friend who doesn’t know how to manage his money you are not helping.

• We think suffering is always bad.

None of us like to see someone suffer, but preventing suffering is often not wise. Play this back, someone has a teenage son who is arrested for driving and drinking. Upon being notified by the police, his father chose to leave him in jail overnight instead of bailing him out. Furthermore, the dad sold his son’s truck. A good father would absolutely be deeply empathetic of his son’s plight. I doubt if this father slept much knowing his son was in jail, but he wisely allowed his son to suffer the consequences of his actions. By the way, the son never drove after drinking again.

• We might like the feeling of control.

This one is more prevalent with enabling parents, but it works like this: mom or dad just can’t allow those apron strings to be cut, so they will allow a grown child to continue to live at home, often paying Junior’s bills and letting him get by with doing little to improve himself. The parent, in a perverted way, allows his son or daughter to become co-dependent so he can maintain control over the child.

• We can’t deal with the strife.

Again, this one is specific to parents. The child needs to be told “no”, but the parent would rather enable the child than deal with the ensuing strife that “no” brings. Whether it be a toddler who throws a tantrum in the grocery store aisle or the adult child who begs for rent money, mom or dad will too often acquiesce because they can’t handle the consequences of tough love.

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What should we do?

• Realize that God expects us to be good managers of his resources.

Simply giving without requiring accountability is irresponsible. We need to develop discernment to help us know the difference between helping and enabling.

• Allow God to work.

When you intervene by not allowing someone to suffer the consequences of his actions, you are limiting how God can work in that situation. Galatians 6:7 tells us, “Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant”. Allowing another to suffer those consequences is, in effect, partnering with God. Remember: comfortable people have zero motivation to change their behavior. Hebrews 12:11 is an apt reminder: “No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way”.

• Guard your heart.

It would be easy to smugly say, “He is getting what is owed to him.” While this may be true, we need to continue to pray for this person, encourage him and wish him the best.

• Grow a backbone.

It all boils down to saying “no” when we find ourselves doing things for someone who could and should be doing it for himself. This is especially tough with friends and family, but that “no” can be the best help we could ever offer.

Additional thoughts

God expects us to be both helpful and wise. Part of that wisdom involves monitoring our help to make sure we are not enabling. Sometimes the very best help is a loving and firm “no”.

No is a great word, five reasons for using it.

How do you handle these situations?

• Your best friend lives from one financial crisis to another. She asks you to loan her some money for groceries “just until payday”.

• Your 18 year old nephew who works sporadically and has never saved a penny begs you to co-sign a loan so he can buy his very first car.

• A relative wants to borrow your car “for a few days” while his is in the shop. This is the third time he has made this request in the past three months.

Are you OK with saying “no” or do you acquiesce with a nagging regret in your gut? Do you wish you could say “no” when you need to?

These five reasons should help:

1. Saying “no” allows the Law of Reaping and Sowing to work.

Galatians 6:7-8 tells us that we will reap what we sow. God has not given us this law to punish us but to teach us. When I overspend and don’t have enough money for food, my hunger is God’s way of teaching me that my financial irresponsibility is not working. But if someone blocks the consequences of my actions (feeds me), that person is not allowing me to reap what I sowed. Your compliance (saying “yes” when you should say “no”) may be in direct conflict with God’s laws. Say “no” and let the other experience those consequences. It is for his best good.

2. Saying “no” will not reinforce negative patterns.

Proverbs 19:19 tells us, “Hot-tempered people must pay the penalty. If you rescue them once, you will have to do it again.” This proverb is not about hot-tempered people; it is about rescuing people who get themselves in a pickle. Doing so communicates the expectation that you will do it again and therefore reinforces a negative pattern of behavior. Have you done that with friends (making a short term loan “just this one time”) or children (making excuses for their behavior to teachers or law enforcement agencies) or co-workers (covering for them when they leave work early)? Every time you enable someone’s irresponsible behavior, you are setting the stage for that behavior to be repeated. Saying “no” may not be easy for you, but it is best for the people you care about.

3. Saying “no” demonstrates respect.

“What?” you say, “Isn’t loaning money to my friend for groceries a form of respect?” Not really. Think with me on this one. The Golden Rule (Matthew 7:12) tells us “Do to others what you would have them do to you.” Now put yourself in the other person’s shoes and ask yourself, “Would I feel respected if my friends always bailed me out of every mess I got myself into?” Probably not. Deep down inside you know that the best ways others could demonstrate respect is to encourage you to bail yourself out. When you say “no” you are actually respecting your friend by demonstrating a belief that she can help herself.

4. Saying “no” is truthful.

When you say “yes” with your words, are you simultaneously saying “no” with your thoughts? If so, you are being dishonest with yourself and your friend. Ephesians 4:25 tells us, “So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body.” Being truthful is not always being pleasant, but being untruthful (saying yes when you mean no) is a recipe for hidden anger and bitterness. Honesty is the best policy and your friend, though he might not like it at the time, will nevertheless respect you for it.

5. Saying “no” is a catalyst for positive activity.

God expects us to be active, not passive. Jesus taught his followers to ask, seek and knock (Matthew 7:7-8). He rewarded those who used their talents and punished the one who hid his, referring to him as a “wicked and lazy” servant (Matthew 25:15-30). God has no issue with those who try and fail, but he will clearly rebuke those who fail to try. Trying and failing is a learning process, but failing to try is tantamount to giving up. If your friend lacks initiative, saying “no” may be just what he needs to move from passivity to activity.

Concluding thoughts

We often say “no” because of our own insecurities. We imagine others will reject us or withhold love from us if we fail to cave to their unreasonable expectations. It may be that you need to look in the mirror and ask, “why do I have trouble saying ‘no’”? Whatever reason you discover, I encourage you to give “no” a try. You will be a better person for it and your friends will be challenged to work through the issues that are holding them down.

How about you? Does saying “no” seem mean spirited? How are you at saying “no”? When is the most difficult time for you to say “no”?

 Galatians 6:5 ESV

 For each will have to bear his own load.

 2 Thessalonians 3:10-15 ESV

 For even when we were with you, we would give you this command: If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat. For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies. Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work quietly and to earn their own living. As for you, brothers, do not grow weary in doing good. If anyone does not obey what we say in this letter, take note of that person, and have nothing to do with him, that he may be ashamed. ...

 Ephesians 5:11 -Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.

 Ephesians 2:10 - For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

 Matthew 7:21 - “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.

 2 Corinthians 9:8 - And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.

 James 4:6 - But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

 Luke 15:7 - Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.

 Proverbs 10:4 - A slack hand causes poverty, but the hand of the diligent makes rich.

 Psalm 25:8-9 - Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way.

 John 8:32 - And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

 Titus 3:5 - He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit,

 Galatians 6:2-3 - Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.

 Genesis 1:27 - So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them