6/9/2024 - A Home of Love and Respect
Notes
Transcript
Handout
Ephesians 5:21-33
We have been studying about having a godly home.
Our relationships are the backbone of our homes.
You must work at your relationships.
We looked first at having a home of self-sacrifice.
We learned we needed to follow God, not our own desires.
We needed to walk in love, put off sin and cultivate a spirit of thanksgiving in our home.
Last we looked at where the Bible tells us that we are children of Light.
Because of this, we needed to reprove the darkness in our homes.
We need to walk circumspectly, redeem the time, Seek God’s Will.
Today we are going to start where we left off.
We looked at verse 21 before, but it is the core of this whole passage we are looking at today.
21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
If we will submit to each other in our home, we will not have the fights and wars that often go on in our families.
The word submit means to place in an orderly fashion under, to subject to another in respect.
If we will do what these verses teach us we will not see things spiral out of control in our homes.
Husbands and Wives, both, are to submit one to another.
It’s about, “I don’t have to have it my way.”
So many little things, that break up our homes, just …don’t…matter!
The wives are told in verse 22,
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
and boy, do husbands love that verse!
But do you know what I don’t see in these verses?
I don’t see anywhere where it says, “Husbands, make sure your wives submit to you.”
No where does it say, “Husbands tell your wife she needs to submit to you.”
No…This is a verse for wives, and wives only!
Now, wives…if you do…You can prevent your family from getting on, what one Christian Author calls, the Crazy Cycle.
You can start the process to have a peaceful home, if you will obey.
So what does the Bible say here?
I. Wives Subject Yourselves to Your Husband
I. Wives Subject Yourselves to Your Husband
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
The truth is men crave respect.
It has been said that respect is the oxygen that men breathe.
This is the way God made men.
Some of the wives might say, “Well that’s just stupid!”
To you, maybe!
That’s because your not a man!
You don’t understand.
But men crave respect at work, from their community, from their homes.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of the book, Cracking the Communication Code, identifies six key principles that will help wives communicate more efficiently with their husbands.
He uses the Acronym, CHAIRS
Conquest
Hierarchy
Authority
Insight
Relationship
Sexuality
If wives will practice one of these principles each day, they will be able to express their respect much better to their husbands.
Conquest - Recognize and thank him for his desire to work.
God established work even before sin came.
Work is good, and God made man to work.
Do you support him in his field of work?
Do you understand how important your husbands job is to him?
Hierarchy - Thank him for his motivation to protect and provide for you.
Because he is called by God to be the lead his home...
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
your husband needs to hear your gratitude for his willingness to protect, to provide, and even die for your family.
Authority - Acknowledge his desire to lead - and don’t subvert his leadership.
Because Scripture tells wives to subject themselves to their own husbands, you need to palce yourself under his protection and provision, and if a stalemate arises, let him know you are willing to defer to his decisions…trusting God to lead him.
Insight - Listen appreciatively to his ideas and the advice he wishes to offer.
Because the Bible teaches that it was Eve who was deceived
14 And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.
3 But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty, so your minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.
Because of this, it would be best to be aware that there will be moments when you can be misled by feelings or deception and you may want to ignore his counsel.
By the way there have been many times, my wife has seen something that I didn’t see and I had to have wisdom.
Relationship - Value his desire for you to be his friend and stand shoulder-to-shoulder with him.
The Bible clearly speaks of how a wife should be her husbands friend as well as his lover…Song of Solomon 5:16
16 His mouth is most sweet: yea, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.
So then you should recognize the value of just being with him.
Do things together, show interest in his hobbies and interests.
Sexuality - Respond to his need for you
Husbands should have eyes only for his wife!
19 Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; And be thou ravished always with her love.
A wife blesses her husband when she understands his needs.
5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
Your husbands need for sexuality is given to him by God.
don’t defraud one another.
Every one of these principles are key to motivating your husband to do the things that he should do…we’ll discuss that in a moment!
But let’s look at a few reasons why we should do these things...
A. Because You Fear God
A. Because You Fear God
21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
God commands these things, not the preacher, not your husband…God.
A wife who fears God will understand that obedience is the only way to happiness.
It’s not about obeying, it’s about giving him what he needs - respect.
B. Because You are Submitting to God
B. Because You are Submitting to God
22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
You are doing it as unto the Lord.
I have often seen the verse in Scripture where Paul says, follow me as I follow Christ.
The idea is you are following Christ, right behind your spiritual leader.
The same principle applies here - you submit to your own husband as you submit to the Lord.
You can’t submit to the Lord if you don’t obey what he says.
Another reason to obey this principle is to understand that...
C. It Speaks of Position not Worth
C. It Speaks of Position not Worth
All people are level at the cross.
The husband is not more important than the wife, any more than the wife is more important than the husband.
The husband is not in a higher rank of worth.
It is solely a positional stance.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
It is no different than the pastor of the church.
The pastor is not a better Christian, nor is he more loved by God than any other member.
He just holds the office…and God says...
17 Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.
It doesn’t make me more important than anyone else…it’s about the position that God has chosen for me....it’s about the position that God has chosen for your husband.
But nowhere does the Bible say, pastors, make sure your church members obey you!
This verse speaks nothing about what I need to do…except watch for your souls!
The truth is, wives, only you can do this!
But how much it helps when you apply these principles to prevent this crazy cycle from spinning your home out of control!
Well…husbands…you are not getting off Scott free!
II. Husbands Subject Yourselves to Love Your Wife
II. Husbands Subject Yourselves to Love Your Wife
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
32 This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
We as husbands need to submit to our wives, especially in the area of loving them.
This is not as natural for a man as it is for a woman.
Oh, we love things and people....but it’s not easy for us to be loving.
Dr. Eggerichs uses the Acronym COUPLE for men.
Husbands can live out these principles to provide six ways to spell out love for your wife.
Closeness
Openness
Understanding
Peacemaking
Loyalty
Esteem
If husbands will apply just one of these COUPLE concepts each day, you will giant leaps toward making your wife feel loved.
Let’s look at them...
Closeness - She wants you to be close - not just when you want something from her.
You are told to cleave to your wife
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Because of this, your face-to-face time with her causes her to feel emotionally connected and energized.
Openness - Because a husband is not to be harsh or bitter (annoyed and resentful) toward your wife...
19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
because of this, you must any tenancies to be withdrawn, closed up, or preoccupied by opening up to her.
Don’t get angry and annoyed when she asks you questions to try to open you up…you can express your love for her by being open.
Understanding - A husband is told to live with his wife according to knowledge.
7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
So you need to be attentive to her concerns and interests - even if you don’t share those interests…because you want her to feel understood and cared about.
I don’t care anything about knitting - no but you can buy her some more yarn.
When your wife has concerns or problems…don’t just try to fix them…listen.
It may be helpful you ask her as she shares with you...”do you want me to listen, or do you want me to advise?”
Do you want me to hear, or help?
This will lead you to be able to support her in the way she needs to be supported.
Dwell with her according to knowledge.
You don’t want your wife to think like you.
And wives you don’t want your husband to think like you.
God made us different!
Peacemaking - God said…Matthew 19.5
5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
They will become one flesh.
So you need to seek ways to be one with your wife (and I’m not talking about physically) but to live in peace…which may include apologizing for your part in an argument.
There are many times, when I can apologize for my part in a situation.
Even if I was right…if I caused harm by being right…I was still wrong.
Loyalty - Scripture says, Malachi 2:14, that your wife is the companion and the wife of thy covenant.
So it is a good idea to let her know repeatedly that your devotion is to her and to God!
Do you look for ways to express your loyalty her?
Do you show your wife that you only have eyes for her...
Eyes right! - walking in Daytona Beach, FL
When you do this it bring peace and speaks love to your wife!
Esteem - Because a husband is to grant to his wife “honour as being heirs together of the grace of life.”(1 Peter 3:7) it would be good to express appreciation for her God-given value as my equal!
Does your wife feel treasured, the most loved woman on earth.
Do you take your wives efforts for granted?
Do you remember special dates, like birthdays and anniversaries?
Every one of these principles are a key to motivating yoru wife to do the things in the CHAIRS acronym.
to respect you as you crave to be respected.
It’s a cycle.
When you love your wife, she will respect you, when she respects you it will stir you to love your wife.
Let’s look at a few principles regarding this subjection to God’s command to us husbands…We are to Love our Wives...
A. As Christ Loved the Church
A. As Christ Loved the Church
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
That’s a tall order!
We are to unconditionally love our wives.
It doesn’t matter what she does - we are ordered to love our wives!
Not just a feeling - and action!
Loving your wife means...
B. Giving of Yourself to Her
B. Giving of Yourself to Her
Jesus agave himself for the church, and we are to follow His example.
Don’t your wife out give you!
Give of yourself to her.
Sacrifice for her!
Show her....prove to her that you love her!
One of the smartest things you as a couple will ever do is go to 5lovelanguages.com and take the love language test.
If you don’t know how your spouse feels love from you from this test…take it and you will learn how you can express love to your wife or husband in the best way possible.
I am a gift giver - I express love by giving gifts…I feel loved by receiving gifts.
My wife experiences love by physical touch - she expresses love by physical love.
There are five
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch
Learn what your spouse is…learn what your children are… speak love in their language!
You are to give of yourself for her...
You are to love her...
C. As Your Own Body
C. As Your Own Body
28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
You don’t neglect to provide for your own body.
You don’t neglect making sure you have good clothes to wear.
You don’t neglect making sure your vehicles will get you where you need to go.
You don’t neglect your body…no you nourish it, and you cherish it…so we ought to nourish and cherish our wives!
Just as Christ nourishes and cherishes the church.
Fourthly, loving your wife means...
D. Leaving Your Mom and Dad
D. Leaving Your Mom and Dad
There are far too many mama’s boys that lose their wives because they always felt like second place.
I know people who leave their wives behind on Mother’s Day to take their mother out.
That’s just wrong!
31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
This means your mom is no longer the best cook in the world.
This means your mom is no longer the best house maker in the world.
This means you mom is no longer the most important woman in the world!
Leave and Cleave!
Your priority is to your spouse above all other relationships.
IT is a deep commitment to building this new life with the two of you.
It’s not about cutting ties with your family, it’s about priority!
It’s about having clear communication and boundaries.
It’s about neither of you running to your parents to complain about the other one!
My mom always talked about when she was a young wife, she would call her mother-in-law and complain about dad. My grandmother would side with my dad, and encourage her to stop complaining about him.
When she would hang up and call her mom and complain, her mom chewed her out and told her to hang up and stop complain about her husband.
She joked that she had no where to turn.
But she used this situation to teach many other ladies in our church the importance of leaving and cleaving.
Whatever the situation…it doesn’t involve your parents any longer…Work it out with your spouse!
When you compare your wife to your mother, you strip away her feeling of love from you.
Let her know she is the most important relationship outside of your relationship with God.
Let her know it’s you two against the world!
And she will feel loved!
My wife and I knew a young couple in California that ended up divorced and many people hurt mostly because mom and dad couldn’t stay out of their marriage.
Mom was always running to the rescue for every little thing.
If there is abuse - step in!
Get them help!
But if it is normal marriage situations - leave them alone and let them figure it out!
If they ask…and only if they ask…give them biblical principles and then back away!!!!
Conclusion
Conclusion
How are you doing on the Crazy Cycle?
Men, do you feel disrespected so you make an unloving comment, which turns around more disrespect, which causes more unloving comments....perpetuating the crazy cycle.
Someone needs to make the first step…and obey Scripture.
Who makes the first move?
The husband or the wife?
Well whoever is the most spiritually mature one will have to be the first one.
But don’t expect everything to just be fixed on the first time.
You have to get the crank spinning a few times before the engine will start.
You remember those old crank start cars?
It’s not just one crank that’s going to get it started!
You are going to have to do right, and do right, and do right, and do right again!
But you will start to see fruit from your labour soon enough!
Submit one to another!
Respect isn’t that important to the wife…as it is to the husband.
The feeling of Love isn’t as important to the husband as it is to the husband.
But those things are the air that the other breathes!
They need it!
Follow God’s plan! It will always be the best plan!