Finding a Spouse

INTRODUCTION:

If you have your Bibles you can open them to Genesis 24. Genesis is proving to be one of the most relevant books of the Bible I’ve ever preached.

Studying the life of Abraham has been particularly helpful.

He’s become a great model of what genuine faith looks like through the mountain highs and the valley lows of life.

Today’s text is the last big story in the life of Abraham before the focus shifts to Isaac.

Genesis 24 is the longest narrative in the story of Abraham and one of the longest in the entire book.

Some of that is because God’s promise is extending to the next generation. Some of it is because of the importance of finding a good spouse.

A Culture of Chaos

Whether and who you marry is one of the most important decisions of your life.

In God’s design he has made it so that healthy civilizations depend on healthy marriages and families.

When a culture decides to reject God’s design for this institution it won’t be long before they get sick and die.

And our culture is living proof of that sickness and decline.

The question of sex, singleness marriage and family are a chaotic mess in our culture right now.

What God creates, Satan counterfeits, confuses and corrupts. We are seeing that in the West today.

Our culture embraces a counterfeit vision for singleness, sex, marriage and family.

The month of June is a stark reminder of how far we’ve drifted from God’s original design.

The way people date today prepares them for divorce more than it does marriage.

The dating game is like selling used cars. Focus on the good, hide the bad and be sure you do a test drive.

And by “test drive” I don’t just mean “go on a few dates.” Hook up culture is out of control.

Studies show as low as 60% and as high as 80% of college students engage in the practice. It results in extreme levels of regret among women (75%) far less among men (25%)

This along with the pornification of our culture has perverted and desensitized the minds of young people so that they’re increasingly less equipped to find intimacy and relational fulfillment.

It’s not surprise then to find that our culture’s attitude about marriage - especially among younger people - is sinking like the Titanic.

Those who do pursue marriage often enter into the institution with faulty assumptions and unrealistic expectations. Some of that contributes the fact that we have higher divorce rates in the West than almost any other culture in the world.

Setting The Table

Why does the confusion of our culture seem SO STRONG when it comes to this arena?

Why is there a growing cultural consensus on devaluing and rejecting marriage?

Why are kids looked at less as a blessing and more as an inconvenience?

We noted this in Genesis 1 and we’re seeing it again here in Genesis 24.

Since Genesis 3, every narrative in the book of Genesis has been tracing God’s promise to restore what was lost in the Garden through the offspring of the woman.

This promised seed gets passed down from generation to generation through marriage and family.

With every new child the question is asked, “Is this the child of promise?” And in every generation the seed of the serpent attempts to thwart God’s plan.

In Genesis 4 we think it might be Abel but he’s killed by his brother Cain.

In Genesis 5 God hits the reset button and it’s traced through the line of Seth.

In Genesis 6 the godly sons of Seth begin to intermingle with the offspring of the serpent.

The sons of God marry the daughters of men and the earth becomes morally corrupt.

Satan attacks marriage and family because it acts as a conduit to advance God’s promise and plan.

It looked like Satan was winning until God hit the reset button, flooded the earth and started over with Noah as his man.

Noah (Son of Seth) and his wife have three songs: Ham, Shem and Japheth. Through Shem the seed of promise moves forward.

But even in Noah’s family we the serpent’s seed scheming and disrupting God’s plan.

Ham is cursed by his father because of his sexual sin and confusion.

Noah’s three sons repopulate the earth until God’s judges the world again at the Tower of Babel. (Gen 11)

Through it all the seed of the promise continues through the institution of the family.

CHART: From Shem to Shelah to Eber to down and down until we get to Abraham.

And even in the life of Abraham we see Satan’s attack on God’s design by tempting them to shortcut the promise of God or disobey God’s plan for the marriage and family.

Despite their human weakness God keeps his promise alive.

No matter the RESISTANCE the purpose of God prevails.

That’s the point of Genesis 24. And it’s one of the LONGEST narratives in the book of Genesis because this dynamic is so central to the plan and promise of God.

Read the Text

With that in mind let’s read the first nine verses. Genesis 24:1-9

Genesis 24:1–9 CSB

1 Abraham was now old, getting on in years, and the Lord had blessed him in everything. 2 Abraham said to his servant, the elder of his household who managed all he owned, “Place your hand under my thigh, 3 and I will have you swear by the Lord, God of heaven and God of earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites among whom I live, 4 but will go to my land and my family to take a wife for my son Isaac.” 5 The servant said to him, “Suppose the woman is unwilling to follow me to this land? Should I have your son go back to the land you came from?” 6 Abraham answered him, “Make sure that you don’t take my son back there. 7 The Lord, the God of heaven, who took me from my father’s house and from my native land, who spoke to me and swore to me, ‘I will give this land to your offspring’—he will send his angel before you, and you can take a wife for my son from there. 8 If the woman is unwilling to follow you, then you are free from this oath to me, but don’t let my son go back there.” 9 So the servant placed his hand under his master Abraham’s thigh and swore an oath to him concerning this matter.

THE SEARCH & THE FIND

Every time I read this passage I’m struck by the way Abraham and his servant establish this oath.

“Place your hand under my thigh…” (Gen 24:2, 9)

It’s a Hebrew euphemism similar to what we saw in Genesis 16:5 when Sarah complains to Abram “I put my slave in your arms.” It wasn’t his arms it was between his legs.

It’s a different Hebrew word in Genesis 24:2, 9 but the same basic idea.

It’s interesting how translators try and wiggle out of the implications but it’s actually important to the story because the words form the bookends (inclusio) of this paragraph.

It might’ve been symbolic of Abraham’s confidence in God to give him offspring like stars in the sky. Others say it was just a cultural way of conveying power and strength.

The main point is that Abraham approaches this issue with absolute confidence in God to provide a spouse for his son Isaac.

Right Thing = Hard Path

So confident is Abraham that God will keep his promise that he sends his most valuable servant on an difficult mission and forbids him against shortcuts and compromise.

This idea is repeated in several different ways.

He forbids the servant from finding a Canaanite wife (even through it would’ve been easier).

Why? Because he wants to ensure Isaac’s children inherit the same faith as their grandad Abraham.

He also forbids the servant of taking Isaac with him.

The reason is because he’s trusting God to continue keeping his promise of possessing THAT land and not the land from which he came.

In other words, he’s not shrinking back from a life of faith, he’s pushing even DEEPER into a life of faith.

He’s rejecting the path of convenience because he’s confident in God’s covenant promise.

Sometimes you’ve got to choose hard path to the right thing and honor the will of God.

“If this is the land that God has given me to inherit then it is in this place that my promised son will remain.”

Abraham refused to circumvent the plan of God for comfort or convenience. He had already learned that lesson the hard way.

Pratical Application

When it comes to God’s design for singleness, sex and marriage, most people embrace Satan’s counterfeit because of comfort and convenient.

They cave in to temptation because resistance feels too costly! (financially, socially, relationally)

Maybe that’s you? People succumb to this way of thinking for several reasons.

“If I were to do this God’s way then it might not work out.”

“There are too many ways it could go wrong.”

“What if the outcome isn’t what I want it to be? What if God’s way doesn’t work?”

“What if I do this God’s way and I don’t like the person he chooses? Or I’m afraid they’re not compatible?”

You don’t see a shred of that with Abraham.

Looking In Wrong Place

In fact, you see the opposite! How is Abraham so confident in taking this risk?

I think it’s because he understood two important truths.

#1. You’ll rarely find the right person if you look in the wrong place.

That’s why Abraham sends his servant back to his home town.

Abraham doesn’t send his servant to his hometown because he’s anti interracial marriage. (See Hagar and Moses’ wife).

He sends him back to his hometown because every Canaanite woman rejected faith in Abraham’s God.

He knew that a godly spouse is rarely located in a godless place!

If you’re looking for a spouse who Jesus would approve, then start looking in places that Jesus would affirm.

Jesus had a reputation for loving everyone. He was friend of tax collectors and sinners. I’m not saying you should isolate yourself from the world.

But there’s a difference between love and commitment.

When you commit to someone you’re taking on certain obligations and offering up certain vulnerabilities.

That’s why committing yourself to the wrong person does so much damage. They have a level of influence and access others don’t possess.

So be careful where you look. But that’s not the only thing.

Getting the Wrong Way

You also need to be careful how you chase.

#2. You’ll rarely get the right person if you pursue them in the wrong way.

You see this with Abraham and the servant in verses 5 and 8.

The servant asks him, “What if the Lord doesn’t come through? What if the woman I find doesn’t come back with me like you think she will?” (Gen 24:5)

Abraham doesn’t say, “well if it doesn’t work God’s way then do it some other way.”

Abraham knows you can’t find the blessing of God through disobedience or unbelief!

Why would God honor that? It doesn’t stem from a place of faith!

It would actually be to your detriment for God to reward that kind of behavior.

What you’re really showing to him is that your desire for a spouse outweighs your devotion to him.

God rarely rewards idolatry in our hearts. Abraham learned this lesson the hard way with Hagar and Ishmael.

It’s foolish to pursue godly goals in a sinful way. Better to wait on the Lord than to test him through disobedience.

That’s why Abraham says, “If the girl will not come with you then you are released from this oath.” (Gen 24:8)

Some of you need to repent because you’re looking in the wrong place. Others of you need to repent because you’re pursuing them in the wrong way.

You’ve compromised your integrity and your purity because of fear or unbelief.

No boy or girl in this world is worth losing your integrity before the Lord.

I know how difficult it is. I know how crazy people will think that you are.

People Noah was crazy when it was walking in faith.

People thought Abraham was crazy when he walked by faith.

People probably thought this servant was crazy for agreeing to this plan.

But better to wait on the Lord than suffer the consequences of sin.

Sometimes the reward of faith requires a difficult journey of patience and endurance.

LESSONS ON THE JOURNEY

With his instructions in place the servant heads off on his journey. Let’s pick it back up in verse 10 of our text.

Genesis 24:10 CSB

10 The servant took ten of his master’s camels, and with all kinds of his master’s goods in hand, he went to Aram-naharaim, to Nahor’s town.

First off, notice that this servant is taking TEN of his master’s camels. That’s a LOT of camels. Why is he taking so many? Because he has “all kinds of his master’s goods.”

The journey from start to finish would’ve taken close to 20 days to complete. (Show Map) From south to north he would’ve traveled through deserts and plains mountains and valleys. It was a trek!

He finally gets to his location and posts up at a well. I’m sure he and his 10 camels were VERY thirsty.

Genesis 24:11 CSB

11 At evening, the time when women went out to draw water, he made the camels kneel beside a well outside the town.

The very next thing he does is offer up a prayer to God to help him in his search for the right woman.

Genesis 24:12–14 CSB

12 “Lord, God of my master Abraham,” he prayed, “make this happen for me today, and show kindness to my master Abraham. 13 I am standing here at the spring where the daughters of the men of the town are coming out to draw water. 14 Let the girl to whom I say, ‘Please lower your water jug so that I may drink,’ and who responds, ‘Drink, and I’ll water your camels also’—let her be the one you have appointed for your servant Isaac. By this I will know that you have shown kindness to my master.”

Descriptive vs Prescriptive

When reading Scripture it’s important to distinguish what is descriptive from what is prescriptive.

All of God’s word is true and authoritative but that doesn’t mean it’s equally applicable.

Humility, prayer and dependance on God are regularly encouraged throughout the Scripture.

Testing God by asking for certain signs isn’t encouraged in quite the same way.

You would not be the first person to look for a sign in who you should marry or date. But I would caution against putting God to the test in this way.

This was an unusual request for an unusual circumstance. Graciously, however, God chooses to oblige.

Genesis 24:15–21 CSB

15 Before he had finished speaking, there was Rebekah—daughter of Bethuel son of Milcah, the wife of Abraham’s brother Nahor—coming with a jug on her shoulder. 16 Now the girl was very beautiful, a virgin—no man had been intimate with her. She went down to the spring, filled her jug, and came up. 17 Then the servant ran to meet her and said, “Please let me have a little water from your jug.” 18 She replied, “Drink, my lord.” She quickly lowered her jug to her hand and gave him a drink. 19 When she had finished giving him a drink, she said, “I’ll also draw water for your camels until they have had enough to drink.” 20 She quickly emptied her jug into the trough and hurried to the well again to draw water. She drew water for all his camels 21 while the man silently watched her to see whether or not the Lord had made his journey a success.

Expect

Verse 21 and everything leading up to it establish the first two principles for finding a godly spouse.

First, we should expect God to act and live as if he will.

The whole reason Abraham’s servant agreed to this journey is because he’s learned from his master how real faith works in the world.

Faith without works is dead. Faith isn’t just what we say or what we believe.

It’s what we do with what we say. It’s when our beliefs are expressed through action.

Faith without works is dead. The life of Abraham shows that over and over again.

You can see this proactive expectation for God to act in several ways in this passage.

In verse 10 he takes ten camels and lots of his master’s good because he assumes a victory.

In verse 12 he prays, “Make this happen for me TODAY.” It’s a specific request related to a definite time.

In verses 11 and 13 he positions himself where he knew women were going to be.

In verse 14 he links God’s giving of the sign with his own human agency. “Let the girl to whom I say…and who responds.”

In verse 17 when he sees Rebecca coming he runs to her and listens for her to say the magic words.

Moses is showing us that when it comes to finding a spouse God’s sovereignty doesn’t negate human responsibility!

If you say you’re trusting God to provide you with a spouse then start living as if God will make good on that desire.

Begin to evaluate your life experiences through the lens of that request.

I know people who really want a spouse but either

(1) never pray that God would provide one.

(2) pray for God to provide but don’t live as if he will.

(3) pray for God to provide but ignore it when he does!

Illustration: drowning man rejecting two boats and a helicopter.

We should pray in such a way that God can answer specifically and directly.

We should be proactive and take initiative expecting God to respond.

We should be courageous and persistent knowing God is sovereign over all.

Especially when you have added reasons to believe as was the case with Abraham’s servant.

Evaluate

Expect God to provide and live as if he will.

The second principle from this passage is to EVALUATE the person to ensure that they’re a fit.

Notice in verse 21 the man “silently watched her to see whether or not the LORD had made his journey a success.” (Gen 24:21)

In the case of Abraham’s servant he was evaluating whether or not Rebecca was going to fulfill all of the requirements of a godly spouse for Isaac.

I don’t advise the kind of sign seeking he demonstrated in his prayer but it is WISE to have a standard against which you can measure the suitability of a spouse.

When I was young my mom encouraged me to write down a list of all of the qualities I would look for in a potential spouse.

List most teenage boys - the things I cared about the most were the things that mattered the least! (I don’t want to embarrass myself by sharing those things with you)

Rebecca’s beauty is mentioned in our text, but even greater weight is placed on her purity, humility, generosity and faith. She was a woman of noble character and that was what made her a precious find.

Notice how the passage says he “silently watched.” I think that’s instructive as well.

You can learn a lot about a person from a distance before you commit yourself to something more official.

People will show you who they really are if your eyes are willing to watch.

Sometimes we can be too quick on the trigger because we’re impatient or insecure. People make this mistake a lot of different ways when dating.

For example, they get so caught up in a crush or an infatuation with a single quality about another person that they become blind to some of the serious flaws that overshadow the positives.

Sometimes guys can overlook a serious flaws in a girl because all they care about in the moment is the way their body looks.

Sometimes girls can do the same because they’re enticed by the idea of being seen a certain way by other people or because they like the idea of who somebody might become over who they actually are.

The Bible says love is blind and that’s true. By choice. But it’s also true that LUST and blind and often not by choice but a corrupt desire.

Many times it’s not until you’ve had a bit of distance that you can get the needed perspective.

This servant was able to find the right woman because he wisely evaluated her against God’s standard.

Establish

Once this servant is convinced that he’s found the right woman for Isaac, he begins to formally establish a commitment that made clear his personal intentions.

Genesis 24:22–27 CSB

22 As the camels finished drinking, the man took a gold ring weighing half a shekel, and for her wrists two bracelets weighing ten shekels of gold. 23 “Whose daughter are you?” he asked. “Please tell me, is there room in your father’s house for us to spend the night?” 24 She answered him, “I am the daughter of Bethuel son of Milcah, whom she bore to Nahor.” 25 She also said to him, “We have plenty of straw and feed and a place to spend the night.” 26 Then the man knelt low, worshiped the Lord, 27 and said, “Blessed be the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who has not withheld his kindness and faithfulness from my master. As for me, the Lord has led me on the journey to the house of my master’s relatives.”

If you remember from Abraham’s request, it wasn’t enough that the woman be from his Father’s “land.” She also needed to be from his father’s FAMILY. (Gen 24:4)

The servant engages Rebecca in conversation and discovers that she is.

This is frowned upon today (she’s so fine but she’s my cousin) but it was really common back then. (“She’s attractive AND my cousin!”)

Everything that Abraham requested when it came to a wife for his son Isaac is fulfilled in the life of Rebecca.

She’s beautiful, she’s godly, she’s generous and she shares the faith and family lineage of Abraham.

Which leads to the third principle of this text.

#3. Establish a commitment and be clear about your intentions.

You know this commitment is formal because Abraham’s servant gives Rebecca a golden nose ring and some very expensive bracelets.

The gold nose ring was a symbol of elegance and wealth. The two bracelets weighing 10 shekels each would’ve communicated the same.

The gesture wasn’t lost on Rebecca because she knows exactly what it means. That’s why she runs home and tells her mother and family what happened. (Gen 24:28)

Genesis 24:28–33 CSB

28 The girl ran and told her mother’s household about these things. 29 Now Rebekah had a brother named Laban, and Laban ran out to the man at the spring. 30 As soon as he had seen the ring and the bracelets on his sister’s wrists, and when he had heard his sister Rebekah’s words—“The man said this to me!”—he went to the man. He was standing there by the camels at the spring. 31 Laban said, “Come, you who are blessed by the Lord. Why are you standing out here? I have prepared the house and a place for the camels.” 32 So the man came to the house, and the camels were unloaded. Straw and feed were given to the camels, and water was brought to wash his feet and the feet of the men with him. 33 A meal was set before him, but he said, “I will not eat until I have said what I have to say.” So Laban said, “Please speak.”

This guy Laban is a bad dude and we’re going to learn more about him later.

Notice, though that Laban sees this guys wealth and tries to butter him up so he can exploit the opportunity.

Abraham’s servant, however, is focused on the mission and refuses to waste any of his time.

In verses 34-49 Abraham’s servant essentially retells the narrative we’ve just read up to this point.

I serve my master Abraham who has been extremely blessed by God. (Gen 24:34-35)

His dead wife Sarah in our old age had a boy named Isaac and he’s inheriting all the wealth. (Gen 24:36)

My master made me swear an oath to find a particular kind of wife even though it crazy. (Gen 24:37-41)

Against all odds I did what he said, prayed for God to provide and miraculously he did! (Gen 24:42-48)

He concludes his speech in verse 49 with a clear statement of his intentions.

“My master wants a wife for his son Isaac. This is who he is, this is what we’re about, this is why I think she’s the one, do you agree with me or not?

Genesis 24:49 CSB

49 Now, if you are going to show kindness and faithfulness to my master, tell me; if not, tell me, and I will go elsewhere.”

This is really instructive when it comes to finding a spouse because he’s refusing to waste HIS time and Rebecca’s time.

Casual dating is a waste of time because it takes forever for people to finally be honest with each other about their intentions and goals and by the time they have been there’s so much complexity and confusion that nobody knows what to do or how to move forward.

Don’t waste your time with people who are going in a different direction.

Be up front and honest about your intentions and desires.

Moreover, don’t let things like physical intimacy or sexual immorality confuse the process because you got the cart before the horse.

Everything you need to know about your compatibility with another person can be gleaned with an open and honest conversation that doesn’t require either person to take off any clothes!

Entrust

Following this formal commitment and honest explanation of his intent, the family is now left with a decision they have to make.

Which is a reminder of the importance of Godly counsel before you make this kind of decision. It may feel old fashioned by receiving a blessing from your parents is sought after for a reason!

Laban and Sarah’s mother answer Genesis 24:50

Genesis 24:50–51 CSB

50 Laban and Bethuel answered, “This is from the Lord; we have no choice in the matter. 51 Rebekah is here in front of you. Take her and go, and let her be a wife for your master’s son, just as the Lord has spoken.”

Abraham’s servant gives the customary gifts as was common in that time.

Laban and the mother try and delay Sarah’s departure but the servant insists on not wasting any time.

Genesis 24:58–61 CSB

58 They called Rebekah and said to her, “Will you go with this man?” She replied, “I will go.” 59 So they sent away their sister Rebekah with the one who had nursed and raised her, and Abraham’s servant and his men. 60 They blessed Rebekah, saying to her: Our sister, may you become thousands upon ten thousands. May your offspring possess the city gates of their enemies. 61 Then Rebekah and her female servants got up, mounted the camels, and followed the man. So the servant took Rebekah and left.

All parties demonstrate faith and confidence in the plan and purpose of God in bringing these thing about.

Which is the last principle on finding a godly spouse from this chapter.

#4. Entrust yourself to God and wait on him to bless.

Rebecca’s family is now claiming the same promise made to Abraham. “May your offspring possess the city gates of their enemies. May you become thousands upon ten thousands.”

Rebecca and her female servants get on the camels and head home to Isaac. A long journey of eager expectation. (CHART)

Isaac was also waiting and one day he sees the camels on the horizon. Gen 24:63

Genesis 24:63 CSB

63 In the early evening Isaac went out to walk in the field, and looking up he saw camels coming.

Isaac sees Rebecca and loves her, they get married and live happily ever after.

Genesis 24:67 CSB

67 And Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah and took Rebekah to be his wife. Isaac loved her, and he was comforted after his mother’s death.

What would’ve happened if Isaac gave up waiting on the Lord or allowed his fear to keep him from walking by faith?

What would’ve happened if Rebecca saw all of the reasons why it was probably God’s will but allowed fear of an unknown future to keep her from leaving?

God wouldn’t have been able to bless her with the reward of genuine faith.

Don’t let fear of an unknown future keep you from faith’s reward.

God only knows the challenges married life can bring. But he is faithful bless you and keep you when you demonstrate confidence in his covenant plan.