Love Tanks With a Leak

Introduction

William’s Testimony

“For a long time, I didn’t have any self-esteem, “ William began. “The only time I felt good was when I had $100 sneakers and a $60 sweatshirt. If I didn’t have them, I didn’t want to go to school.”

Little did they realize that William was a modern day Samson: his strength was in his shoes. Steal his shoes and you conquered the man…The problem was William’s reputation. It was what other people THOUGHT about his shoes - and therefore him. Call it what you like - reputation, peer pressure, people-pleasing, codependency - William’s life was controlled by other people.

Edward’s Personal Testimony

Later that day the events replayed in my mind. What a mess! I reflected. I live like a frightened kid. I am so controlled by what others people think or might possible think. But that was about it. I didn’t know where to go from there. I didn’t have sufficient Biblical resources to find any solutions to what I discovered about myself.

Okay In Christ

I had already considered Romans’ theme of justification by faith, but this time it seemed especially relevant because I made a connection between my dependence on the opinions of other people and justification by faith. My reasoning, certainly not original with me, was that I didn’t have to measure up to the standards of others’ opinion because God’s opinion of me was rooted in the finished work of Jesus. In other words, even though I was a sinner, God loved me and made me righteous in his sight, so who cared what other people thought?!

Then I got married.

A Great Awakening

I found that being okay in Christ was not quite enough for me. When I was first married, I knew that Jesus loved me, but I also wanted my new wife to be absolutely, forever smitten with me. I NEEDED love from her. I could finally handle small amounts of rejection from other people, but I felt paralyzed if I didn’t have the love I needed from her. I needed UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. If she didn’t think I was a great husband, I would be crushed (and, as you might guess, a little angry).

This led to a second awakening. I suddenly realized that I had mutated into a walking love tank, a person who was empty inside and looking for a person to fill me…I think I was a love tank with a leak.

Since those days I have spoken with hundreds of people who end up at this same place: they are fairly sure that God loves them, but they also want or NEED love from other people - or at least they need SOMETHING from other people. As a result, they are in bondage, controlled by others and feeling empty. They are controlled by whoever or whatever they believe can give them what they think they need.

It is true: what or who you need will control you.

Facing the “Fear of Man”

They awoke to an epidemic of the soul called, in Biblical language, “the fear of man.” Although they were avowed worshippers of the true God, below the surface they feared other people.

“Fear” in the Biblical sense is a much broader word. It includes being afraid of someone, but it extends to holding someone in awe, being controlled or mastered by people, worshipping other people, putting your trust in people, or needing people.

Just as “fear” in a Biblical sense is broadly defined, so too is the word “man.” As used in Scripture, it includes men, women, and children.

I am assuming (using the Biblical expression “fear of man”), as the Bible does, that every person in our lives has the potential to control us.

However you put it, the fear of man can be summarized this way: We replace God with people. Instead of a Biblically guided fear of the Lord, we fear others.

Of course, the “fear of man” goes by other names…it is called “peer pressure”… “people-pleasing”… “codependency.”

How to Spot It

Have you struggled with peer pressure? Peer pressure is simply a euphemism for the fear of man. If you experienced it when you were younger, believe me, it is still there. It may be submerged and revealed in more adult ways, or it may be camouflaged by your impressive resume (your perceived success).

Are you over-committed? Do you find it is hard to say no even when wisdom indicates that you should? You are a “people-pleaser,” another euphemism for the fear of man.

Is self-esteem a critical concern for you? If self-esteem is a recurring theme for you, chances are that your life revolves around what others think. You reverence or fear their opinions.

Do you feel as if you might be exposed as an imposter? Many business executives and apparently successful people do. The sense of being exposed is an expression of the fear of man. It means that the opinions of other people - especially their possible opinion that you are a failure - are able to control you.

There are many more self examination questions that expose the “fear of man” in your life.

A Universal Problem

The fear of man comes in many different packages. However, for believers, there is one crucial test that often exposes our fear - evangelism.

Have you ever been too timid to share your faith in Christ because others might think you are an irrational fool?

Gotcha.

Fear of man is such a part of our human fabric that we should check for a pulse if someone denies it.

The Search for a Biblical Response

That approach sounded a little shallow to the evangelical world, so many Christians responded by saying that a better treatment for codependency is to know that God loves you more than you think. God can fill you with love, so you don’t have to be filled by other people.

…even this answer is incomplete. The love of God can be a profound answer to just about any human struggle, but sometimes we can use it in such a way that it becomes a watered down version of profoundly rich truth. For example, sometimes, because of the shortcomings in us rather than Scripture, this answer misses the call of Philippians 2:3

Philippians 2:3 KJV 1900

3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.

It even ignores personal repentance. Sometimes it still allows us and our needs to be at the center of the world, and God becomes our psychic errand boy given the task of inflating our self-esteem.

The purpose of this book is to take that next step. Along the way we will meet people such as Abraham and Peter, who slipped into the chasm of the fear of man and brought others down with them. We will look at the subtle ways in which the fear of man surfaces in our lives.

Here are some topics to be explored throughout this series.

Understanding the fear of men requires that we ask the right questions. Questions like “Why am I so concerned with self-esteem?” and “Why do I have to have someone - even Jesus - think that I am great?” Included in the answer is the fact that we need a way to think less often about ourselves.

The most radical treatment for the fear of man is the fear of the Lord. God must be bigger to you than people are.

As for people, our problem is that we NEED them (for ourselves) more that we LOVE them (for the glory of God). The task God sets for us to need them less and love them MORE.

Discussion Questions

What were the major factors that led to William's lack of self-esteem and his dependence on other people's opinions of him?

How did William's understanding of justification by faith help him overcome his dependence on other people's opinions?

What were the realizations and awakenings Edward had about his need for love and approval from others?

How did the concept of the "fear of man" manifest in the lives of William and Edward?

In what ways does the fear of man influence behavior, decision-making, and relationships?

How can one differentiate between genuine concern for others' opinions and an unhealthy fear of man?

What are some personal experiences with peer pressure or people-pleasing that resonate with the themes in the testimonies?

How can understanding the fear of man impact one's approach to evangelism and sharing faith with others?

What are some practical steps individuals can take to free themselves from the control of other people's opinions?