Unbreakable Vows

What are unbreakable vows?

We are not talking about our marriage vows….or are we?

Unbreakable Vows are vows we make and hold on to without considering or perhaps despite of the consequences.

James 5:12 HCSB

Now above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath. Your “yes” must be “yes,” and your “no” must be “no,” so that you won’t fall under judgment.

Why do make them?

We generally use vows to manipulate our situation, others, even God….

We make them from our own pride, fear, anger, or pain

Vows made in Scripture

Jephthah's Vow (Judges 11:30-40):

Context: Jephthah, a judge of Israel, made a vow to God before going into battle against the Ammonites.

Vow: He promised that if God gave him victory, he would sacrifice the first thing that came out of his house to greet him upon his return.

Outcome: Tragically, the first to come out was his daughter, leading to her sacrifice, which brought great sorrow.

Jephthah was so prideful he believed he could influence God himself

Saul's Rash Oath (1 Samuel 14:24-45):

Context: King Saul made an oath during a battle against the Philistines.

Vow: He declared that any soldier who ate food before evening, before he had avenged himself on his enemies, would be cursed.

Outcome: His son Jonathan, unaware of the oath, ate honey. This led to tension and nearly cost Jonathan his life, but he was spared by the people's intervention.

Saul was so consumed by his anger and hatred he made a vow against his own brothers

Practical Example

Context: A husband and wife are working towards saving money for a vacation.

Hasty Decision: The husband, in an effort to expedite their savings, declares that they will not spend any money on dining out or leisure activities until they reach their savings goal.

Outcome:

Impact on Relationship: The wife, feeling the need for a break from cooking and the routine, suggests having a simple dinner out to unwind. She is unaware of how strictly her husband wants to adhere to the plan.Tension: The husband, feeling stressed about reaching their savings goal, reacts negatively, insisting they stick to the plan. This leads to an argument, as the wife feels her needs and desires are being overlooked.Resolution: After the argument, the wife explains her perspective, emphasizing the importance of occasional relaxation and quality time together. The husband realizes that his rigid approach is causing unnecessary stress. They agree to set a small budget for occasional treats while continuing to save for their vacation.

The Vow of the Israelites with the Gibeonites (Joshua 9:3-20):

Context: The Gibeonites, fearing the Israelites, deceived them into making a treaty.

Vow: Without seeking God's counsel, the Israelites vowed to let the Gibeonites live, thinking they were from a distant land.

Outcome: The Israelites discovered the deception but were bound by their vow, leading to the Gibeonites becoming servants rather than being driven out as God had commanded.

Vows we make

1. Vows of Perfection

"I Will Always Be Perfect": A vow to never make mistakes or always be the ideal spouse, parent, or friend. This vow sets an impossible standard that leads to constant stress, feelings of inadequacy, and neglect of the grace and forgiveness offered through Christ.

"I Will Never Fail": Committing to never failing in any aspect of life, whether in career, relationships, or personal goals. This vow ignores human limitations and the reality that failure is often a crucial part of growth and learning.

2. Vows of Control

"I Will Always Be in Control": Vowing to always maintain control over every aspect of life, including relationships and circumstances. This vow can lead to anxiety, frustration, and an inability to trust God’s sovereignty and plan.

"I Will Fix Everything": Taking on the responsibility to solve all problems for oneself and others, disregarding the need for God’s intervention and the support of the community. This can lead to burnout and a sense of isolation.

3. Vows of Sacrifice

"I Will Always Put Others First": While selflessness is a virtue, vowing to always put others’ needs above one’s own can lead to neglect of personal well-being, mental health, and spiritual growth. It can also foster unhealthy dependency in relationships.

"I Will Give Up My Dreams for You": Promising to completely abandon personal dreams and aspirations for the sake of someone else. This vow can lead to resentment and a loss of the unique purpose and calling God has placed on one’s life.

4. Vows of Unconditional Approval

"I Will Always Make You Happy": Committing to always ensuring another person’s happiness is an impossible vow, as true happiness and fulfillment come from God, not another human being. This can create unrealistic expectations and pressure in relationships.

"I Will Never Disagree with You": Vowing to never have conflicts or disagreements in a relationship. Healthy relationships require honest communication and the ability to handle conflicts constructively.

5. Vows of Identity

"I Will Become Whoever You Want Me to Be": Sacrificing one’s own identity, beliefs, and values to conform to someone else’s expectations. This vow can lead to a loss of self and a disconnection from one’s true identity in Christ.

"I Will Abandon My Beliefs for Acceptance": Committing to set aside personal faith and convictions to be accepted by others. This can lead to spiritual emptiness and a compromised relationship with God.

"I Will Change Who I Am for You": Committing to alter fundamental aspects of one’s personality, interests, or identity to please or align with another person. This can lead to a loss of self and disconnection from the identity God has given.

"I Will Abandon My Calling": Promising to give up a personal calling or ministry because it does not align with someone else’s expectations or desires. This can result in unfulfilled potential and a sense of spiritual emptiness.

6. Vows of Conformity

"I Will Always Fit In": Promising to conform to societal or peer expectations to avoid rejection or judgment. This can lead to compromising personal values and faith, and a loss of authenticity in one's walk with Christ.

"I Will Adopt Your Beliefs": Vowing to adopt the beliefs and practices of a partner, friend, or community to gain acceptance, even when they conflict with one’s own convictions and biblical principles.

8. Vows of Self-Denial

"I Will Suppress My Feelings": Promising to hide or suppress true feelings to avoid conflict or disappointment, leading to emotional suppression and a lack of genuine connection with others and God.

"I Will Never Put Myself First": Vowing to always prioritize others’ needs to the detriment of one’s own spiritual and emotional health, potentially neglecting the care and development that God intends for personal growth.

10. Vows of Perfectionism

"I Will Always Be Perfect in Your Eyes": Vowing to never make mistakes or always meet someone’s expectations perfectly, which is impossible and leads to constant pressure and fear of failure.

"I Will Be the Ideal Christian": Promising to live up to an unrealistic standard of what it means to be a Christian, focusing more on external appearances and behaviors rather than an authentic relationship with Christ.

"I Will Maintain a Certain Image": Committing to uphold a specific public image or reputation, even if it means hiding true struggles or pretending to be someone one is not. This can lead to a double life and a lack of genuine community and accountability.

"I Will Never Let You See My Flaws": Vowing to hide all imperfections and weaknesses from others, leading to isolation and preventing the authentic relationships that God desires for us.

Lessons and Reflections:

Embrace Imperfection: Recognize that striving for perfection and control is futile. Embrace the truth that God’s strength is made perfect in our weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Balance and Boundaries: Understand the importance of balance and healthy boundaries in relationships. Self-care and personal growth are essential to fulfilling God’s purpose for your life.

Seek God’s Guidance: Regularly seek God’s guidance and wisdom in making commitments. Ensure that your vows align with His will and honor your identity in Christ.

Grace and Forgiveness: Accept the grace and forgiveness that God offers. Understand that it is okay to make mistakes and that failure is a part of the journey toward spiritual maturity.

Authenticity in Relationships: Foster authenticity and honesty in relationships. True love and acceptance come from being who God created you to be, not from conforming to others’ expectations.

Vows made in marriage

1. Vows Made Out of Pride

"I’ll Prove I'm Right": A husband or wife might vow to always stand their ground in arguments to prove they are right, prioritizing winning over understanding or reconciliation. This can lead to constant conflict and a lack of humility and grace in the relationship.

"I Don’t Need Help": A person might vow never to seek help or admit weakness, thinking they can handle everything alone. This prideful stance can prevent them from seeking God’s guidance or leaning on their spouse for support, leading to isolation and strain in the relationship.

2. Vows Made Out of Fear

"I’ll Do Whatever It Takes to Keep You": A person might vow to do anything to keep their partner from leaving, including compromising their values or neglecting their own needs. This fear-based vow can lead to unhealthy codependency and a lack of true trust in the relationship.

"I’ll Never Trust Again": After being hurt, someone might vow never to fully trust their spouse again, even after forgiveness is sought. This vow, made out of fear of being hurt again, can prevent true intimacy and healing, leading to ongoing suspicion and distance.

3. Vows Made Out of Anger

"I’ll Never Forgive You": In a moment of intense anger, a spouse might vow never to forgive their partner for a particular mistake or betrayal. This vow can create a barrier to reconciliation and healing, leading to a hardened heart and ongoing resentment.

"I’ll Make You Pay": A person might vow to get back at their spouse for a perceived wrong, committing to actions that are meant to hurt or punish rather than heal and restore. This vengeful vow can lead to a toxic and destructive cycle of retaliation.

4. Unrealistic Vows

"I Promise We’ll Never Fight Again": In the midst of a reconciliation, a spouse might hastily vow that they will never fight again, which is unrealistic and sets up both partners for disappointment and guilt when conflicts inevitably arise.

"We’ll Always Put Each Other First": Without considering life’s complexities, a couple might vow to always put each other first, not realizing that there will be times when other responsibilities (like children, work, or caring for aging parents) might temporarily take precedence. This can lead to feelings of failure and resentment when the vow is inevitably broken.

Lessons and Reflections:

Humility and Grace: Recognize that vows made out of pride, fear, or anger do not reflect humility or grace. Acknowledge the need for God’s wisdom and guidance in making commitments.

Realistic and God-Honoring Commitments: Strive to make vows that are realistic, considerate, and honor God. For example, committing to always seek forgiveness and strive for reconciliation reflects a heart aligned with God’s desire for unity and love.

Open Communication: Discuss vows and commitments with your spouse to ensure mutual understanding and agreement. Involving God in these conversations through prayer can help ensure that your vows honor Him and strengthen your relationship.

7. Vows of Role

"I Will Be the Perfect Parent/Spouse/Child": Committing to fulfill an idealized role that others expect, often ignoring one’s unique personality, gifts, and calling. This can lead to burnout and a sense of failure when the unrealistic standard is not met.

"I Will Always Be the Strong One": Vowing to never show weakness or vulnerability, believing that one must always be the source of strength for others. This can result in emotional isolation and an inability to seek support and healing from God and the community.

Your vows reveal the idols in your life.

In other words, when get down to it, we make vows the persons, objects, or principles of our worship.

Exodus 34:13 HCSB

Instead, you must tear down their altars, smash their sacred pillars, and chop down their Asherah poles.

Deuteronomy 7:5 HCSB

Instead, this is what you are to do to them: tear down their altars, smash their sacred pillars, cut down their Asherah poles, and burn up their carved images.

1 John 5:21 HCSB

Little children, guard yourselves from idols.

We are not breaking vows, we are smashing idols