Forgiving Like God

Series Plan:

Lesson 2 (This Lesson): Trying to practice Christ-like forgiveness

Lesson 3: Some Questions and Practical Considerations

Lesson 4 (maybe 5): Biblical Examples of Forgiveness

Lesson 1 Recap

How God Forgives:

Proactive

Abundantly Merciful

Not Unconditional

Others Focused

Relational

Common Models:

Unconditional & Unilateral

Conditional & Transactional

Forgiving Like God

As we strive to practice forgiveness, the supreme model we have is the Lord. God (and Christ) have extended, offered, and forgiven us in the most complete and perfect way. If we want to practice forgiveness, there is no better example to follow than God’s! Not only is God a worthy example to follow—we have been called to imitate His forgiveness

Ephesians 4:32 ESV

32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Colossians 3:13 ESV

13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

But many ask, “can we forgive like God? Is such a thing even possible?” And if it’s not possible to forgive like God, then is it possible that how we forgive is something entirely different than the way God forgive? As we strive to forgive “as God in Christ forgave us,” there are some differences between God and us that we should consider carefully. These limitations are important. But as we will see, these limitations do not ultimately negate our ability to learn from and follow God’s example when we practice forgiveness. The goal of God’s forgiveness and the goal of our forgiveness should be and can be the same.

Human Limitations

1. We are Not Sinless

When we sin against God, we are 100% in the wrong, and He is 100% innocent. That is not always the case when it comes to sin between humans. There may be cases where there is a perfectly innocent party (e.g. a child or infant who is abused or molested by an adult. Or a person who is robbed at gun-point by a stranger). But in other cases, fault is not one-side. In most relationships that have been broken, each party bears some guilt.

In many marriage issues, one spouse may be at greater fault or have committed greater misdeeds—but usually both have hurt and sinned against the other in some way. In most broken relationships (marital or otherwise), both sides have committed wrongs.

Why is this important?

First, because this understanding helps us remember that even when we are wronged, we are not sinless. If God has proactively and abundantly pursued and offered forgiveness in His perfect holiness, how much more reason do we have as imperfect and sinful beings to be willing to pursue and offer forgiveness?

Second, many times we will need to couple our own repentance with our pursuit of forgiveness and reconciliation. Perhaps we feel our wrongs were less devastating, thus we shouldn’t have to repent until the other person does. Or perhaps we have mistreated another in response to being mistreated. Either way, we should pursue reconciliation through both repentance and forgiveness. We should be willing to confess our faults and apologize for our wrongs, even as we confront and address wrongs that have been done to us. Being sinned against is not an excuse or a license for us to sin against another. So, while God never needs to make amends before seeking our repentance, there are certainly times when we will need to do that.

This important difference does not mean, however, that we should disregard God’s example and seek to develop some method of forgiveness that is categorically different than God’s forgiveness. The end goal should be the exact same—that is reconciliation. The fact that the process towards that goal might require mutual repentance and mutual forgiveness does not change what the ultimate goal should be.

2. We are Not All Knowing

Another important difference we must account for is God’s perfect knowledge compared to our imperfect knowledge. God knows all things.

God knows our backgrounds. He knows what has shaped us and influenced us. He fully understands causes and effects. We, on the other hand, do not. When someone sins against us, there is an entire backdrop we do not know or only know about partially. For example, many abusers have been victims of abuse. This does not make their sin OK, but understanding a person’s background helps us understand them, understand their actions, and helps us be merciful while also demanding right behavior. But we don’t know all such things, while God does. Our ignorance in this area should remind us to always be merciful, to always be loving, and to err on the side of grace. This does not, however, mean we overlook sin.

God knows all the details. There is no action hidden from His sight. God knows when we are guilty, and He knows when we are innocent. When God deems we are sinners, it is not based on assumption or intuition, it is based on absolute and perfect knowledge. We, of course, don’t always know the details. While there are times we know a person has wronged us, there are other times we don’t, or we at least don’t know all the details. When all we can do is assume another person is in the wrong, we should be extremely cautions.

Example: Sometimes in marital problems, one spouse suspects the other is having or has had an affair. Their spouse may deny such allegations, and they may have no proof, but they still feel like their spouse is unfaithful. Such suspicions might be correct, or they may just as easily be incorrect.

We have to be able to recognize when we simply don’t know all the facts. In terms of seeking forgiveness or expecting repentance, this realization should lead, once again, to erring on the side of mercy and grace.

God knows hearts, thoughts, and motives. We may think we can deduce another persons attitudes and motives, but God knows our motives and attitudes perfectly. God knows when our repentance is not genuine. God knows when our heart is not softened and receptive. God knows when we say one thing but think another. We, do not know such things. Yes, fruits will ultimately bear witness to a person’s heart, but evil hearts are not always immediately apparent. We might suspect an apology or someone’s repentance is not heartfelt or genuine, but we cannot know that for certain.

Thus, we cannot withhold forgiveness because we think the offender might not be truly sorry.

That being said, there are also times when false repentance is obvious.

Example: If a man leaves his wife for another woman, and sometime later he apologizes and says he has repented, but he continues to live with and sleep with the other woman, his repentance is clearly false. He has not repented of his sin, and continues to live in it. As long as he persists in this situation, however much forgiveness is extended, it cannot be complete and reconciliation is impossible while he persists in his sin.

Other times, there may be no way to see visible fruits of repentance. Maybe the offense was something long ago, or something that can be easily rectified. Perhaps a person slandered you—they can apologize, they can correct their story to those they spoke to, and they can cease speaking slander—but the damage may be done and cannot be reversed. We cannot know their hearts and attitudes when they apologize and repent, but we don’t need to. We can forgive and work toward reconciliation.

3. We are Not All Powerful

God possesses all knowledge, all authority, and all power. It is truly and fully within God’s power to hold sinners accountable for their sins, and it is within His power to judge and punish wrongdoers. We cannot do this. We do not possess all authority, and vengeance and punishment are not given to us, even when we have been wronged (more on that in a later sermon). And neither are we even able to hold wrongdoers fully accountable. Often, it is the weak who are wronged, and they have no ability or power to hold the stronger oppressor accountable.

Because of this, some argue that human forgiveness is fundamentally different than God’s forgiveness. One writer actually states, “Human forgiveness…is gracious, but is not effective, except within himself.” This is used as a foundation to argue for unconditional and unilateral forgiveness. Because we can’t truly expunge guilt, we cannot actually forgive like God. Thus, even though we are commanded to forgive as God forgives, we do so in a categorically different way. But this is misguided and unnecessary. While we may not be able to expunge sins like God can, that hardly means our forgiveness is ineffective. To claim that human forgiveness has no effect except on the person who does the forgiving is to misunderstand what forgiveness is all about, and demonstrates an attitude that is unfamiliar with forgiveness! If you’ve ever wronged someone and been truly forgiven and reconciled, you know how powerful and effective forgiveness is!

Thus, while punishment is not our purview and not even fully within our ability, we can still wield the powerful effect of forgiveness. In fact, there may be few ways we can demonstrate and share the love of Christ as powerfully as through the act of forgiveness.

Similarities

Clearly, there are important ways in which we are different, and more importantly, less than, God. These differences should move us to caution and at attitude even more disposed to grace. But that does not mean that our forgiveness should be categorically different than God’s. After all, there are many ways in which, despite our limitations, we can forgive as God forgives.

1. We Can Take the First Step

Even though God is the wronged, He was the party that sought reconciliation. He extended the opportunity for forgiveness. We can also take the first step. Our first movement can always be towards forgiveness. Now, extending the opportunity and taking the first step may not always result in repentance and reconciliation. But we can still be proactive.

Matthew 18:15 (ESV)

15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.

The problem is, taking the first step is hard. Those who view forgiveness solely as a transaction and thus something only extended after the offender has repented may wait for the offender to come to them with their apology and repentance. Of course, they may never do that. On the other hand, to forgive unconditionally makes no movement to reconcile. It may move a person to let go of bitterness, but does not move them to seek reconciliation and relational healing.

2. We Can Love Our Enemies

Forgiveness requires repentance, and thus is, in a sense, conditional. But that does not mean that before there is repentance and forgiveness that we are permitted to mistreat those who have wronged us. We should never hate someone else, even if they have wronged and hurt us. We should never mistreat others, in word or deed, even though they may have mistreated us. Instead, we are called to love our enemies.

Luke 6:27–28 ESV

27 “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.

Who is our enemy? When someone hurts us, and especially when someone intentionally and repeatedly hurts us and refuses to repent, they are an enemy. We may not all have enemies who want to kill us, but we probably all have people in our lives who have hurt us and refuse to acknowledge, confess, or repent of their wrong-doing. In a sense, they are our enemy. Instead of a relationship, their is brokenness. How do we treat these people?

How do we treat such people? We love, do good, bless, and pray for them. Clearly, there is no room for hatred and mistreatment of others, even with they hate or mistreat us.

Matthew 5:44–48 ESV

44 But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48 You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

While reconciliation is the goal, and while repentance is prerequisite to forgiveness, neither repentance or reconciliation is required for us to treat others well. And that truth is modeled by God. Every sinner is an enemy of God, and yet He blesses them. He sends rain and provision. And while God requires our repentance, He loves us and blesses us and works towards our reconciliations, even while we are still at enmity with Him. And we can do the same with our enemies.

3. We Can Model and Expect Righteousness

When we sin, God remains righteous. He does not lower Himself to our sinful behavior—He continues to model perfection. While we are not perfect, we can also model right behavior. When we are wronged, the temptation is to lower our behavior to match that of the wrong-doer. It seems justified. But as we’ve already seen, we don’t mistreat others, even when they mistreat us. When we choose to do what is right, even as the victim of wrongdoing, then we please God and we also become an example of goodness—even to the wrongdoer! Repentance and reconciliation are always more likely to happen when we act rightly. When we retaliate, repentance and reconciliation become nearly impossible.

But not only do we strive to model faithfulness, but we should expect it of others. This does not mean we should be self-righteous. What it does mean is that we should expect one another to do what is right. We do not overlook sin. We do not tolerate sinful behavior. God is longsuffering; God is patient; and God is abundantly merciful. But God never simply overlooks and dismisses sin. And we shouldn’t either. We should gently, lovingly, and compassionately call sinners to repentance. But we should call them to repentance!

God exemplifies righteousness and calls us to righteousness. And we should follow that example with others.

4. We can Forgive Big

Most of us can forgive small things. But what about big things? Forgiving painful injuries, repeated offenses, and deep wounds is very difficult. But God doesn’t just forgive small—He forgives big. Consider the numerous times God forgave Israel, and the types of things He forgave Israel for. Or consider Paul, who blasphemed the Lord and persecuted the church, and yet was forgiven.

1 Timothy 1:15–16 ESV

15 The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. 16 But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life.

God forgives big sins, and He forgives in big ways. And so can we. To forgive as God forgives calls us to extend forgiveness not just for small offenses, but also major sins. We don’t just forgive once, twice, or a few times. We are always willing to forgive

Matthew 18:21–22 ESV

21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.

5. We Can Risk Reconciliation

What is the hardest part about forgiveness? Many might say it is the letting go of hurt and bitterness. And those things are hard, but I don’t think they are the hardest. What is more difficult than perhaps all else is taking the risk of being hurt again. But that is exactly what reconciliation does—it takes a risk. When we reconcile with someone who hurt us, we risk being hurt by them again. It is easier to let go of anger while maintaining a safe distance than it is to let go of anger and also reconcile. But God has not simply let go—God has sought reconciliation. And in so doing, God risks being sinned against again and again.

Sometimes we hear (or say) something like, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” The idea is that there are some people who should not be given a second chance. But that is not God’s way, and it shouldn’t be ours.

All relationships involve risk. When a man and woman marry, they are each taking the risk that the other will not be the spouse they should. There is a risk the other will have an affair, or hurt them in some way. Risk is always present in any relationship. We are just more aware of that after risk has become reality. After we’ve been hurt, it feels likely that the wrongdoer will hurt us again. We are more aware of their capacity to hurt, and so we seek to insulate ourselves.

But why do we take relational risks in the first place? Why do men and women get married, even though their is risk in that choice? Because the power and beauty of a loving relationship is worth the risk. And the same is true about reconciliation. There is power in good relationships, and there is power in restored and reconciled relationships. When God created humanity, there was risk, but He deemed a relationship with mankind worth that risk. And when God planned a path to forgiveness and reconciliation, there was great risk, but once again He deemed a restored relationship worth the risk. And this love for others and a desire for flourishing relationships is at the very heart of what it means to forgive as God has forgiven us.

Relational Forgiveness

As I have listened to and read views from others about forgiveness, I’ve seen the labels for differing views such as “Unconditional forgiveness” vs. “conditional forgiveness.” “Unilateral forgiveness” vs. “transactional forgiveness.” I’ve shied away from labeling my view on forgiveness, preferring to try and just pursue “forgiveness” or “biblical forgiveness.” But, everyone thinks their view is “Biblical forgiveness.” Everyone thinks their view is “authentic forgiveness.” So, if I had to give a descriptor to what I conclude Biblical forgiveness is, this is what I would choose: “Relational.” In the end, forgiveness must be relational. Yes, there are aspects of the journey towards reconciliation that are unconditional and others that are conditional. There are some aspects that are inward and unilateral, but there are aspects that are transactional. The problem is that when we focus on one part of the whole, or when we substitute an aspect of the journey for the destination. If we want to pursue real forgiveness—if we want to forgive others as God has forgiven us, then reconciled and restored relationships must be the goal.

Of course, in a fallen world filled with fallen people perfectly restored relationships won’t always happen, and sometimes can’t happen. But those exceptions shouldn’t become the rule, and they shouldn’t rob us of the power and beauty that is relationally focused forgiveness. We will never be as holy as God, but we are called to be holy, for God is holy. We will never be perfect like God, and yet Jesus calls us to “be perfect as our heavenly father is perfect.” God sets the standard and ideal that we strive for. And such is true of forgiveness. As we forgive, we must strive to attain the ideal of relational forgiveness and reconciliation.

2 Corinthians 5:17–20 ESV

17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 18 All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; 19 that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. 20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.