Planting Spiritual Trees

NOTE:

This is a manuscript, and not a transcript of this message. The actual presentation of the message differed from the manuscript through the leading of the Holy Spirit. Therefore, it is possible, and even likely that there is material in this manuscript that was not included in the live presentation and that there was additional material in the live presentation that is not included in this manuscript.

Engagement

An old Chinese proverb says, "One generation plants the trees, and another gets the shade." I can really relate to that proverb. In the first two houses that Mary and I owned, we never really got around to completely landscaping the backyard before we moved. About as far as we got was to plant several trees there. We moved before we ever got to enjoy the shade produced by those trees. But today, the current owners are enjoying the shade from trees they didn’t plant.

If you’re a disciple of Jesus Christ this morning, you’re living in the shade that comes from the spiritual trees that were planted by a previous generation. For many of you, there is a rich spiritual heritage that has been passed down to you from your parents, grandparents, and maybe even generations previous to that. And, as we’ll see this morning, that is an essential part of God’s design for the family.

But I also know that some of you haven’t been the beneficiaries of parents who helped you to grow in your faith. You don’t have that rich spiritual heritage that has been passed down through your family from generation to generation. Perhaps you’re even the very first follower of Jesus in your family. And if that’s the case, then God, in His infinite wisdom and grace, has undoubtedly provided some spiritual parents for you that have planted those trees in your life.

Tension

The passage that we’re going to study this morning is often used as the basis for Father’s Day sermons. But in a way I’m glad that we’re actually getting to this passage a week too late for that. Far too often passages like this are used to make those of us who are parents, or even grandparents, feel guilty. But I’m pretty sure that most of us already feel bad enough because we know that that we are far from perfect parents. Fortunately, we serve a God who is full of grace and mercy who is able to overcome those failures. I know that is certainly true for me and I am grateful for the way our children have turned out in spite of all the mistakes I made as a father.

The other danger this morning is that some of you will just tune out this message because you think it just doesn’t apply to you. Maybe you’re grown and no longer live in your parents’ home or you’ve never had children of your own. I want to encourage you to stay tuned anyway because even though the commands in this passage may not apply directly to you , they do provide some principles that we can all benefit from.

Truth

This morning we are right in the middle of a section of Paul’s letter to the church in Ephesus that Martin Luther and other Bible commentators have called the “house tables” or “household codes”. That section began in Ephesians 5:21 with the overall principle that undergirds this entire section.

Can anyone remind us of that idea?

Ephesians 5:21 ESV

21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

That’s correct - household relationships - husband/wife, children/parents and slaves/masters - are all to operate based on the idea of mutual submission that is motivated by reverence for Jesus.

We saw that last week in marriage where mutual submission between two equals occurs when the wife submits to her husband in the same way the church submits to Christ and the husband sacrificially loves his wife in the same way Christ loved the church by dying for her.

We’ll see that again this morning in the relationship between children and parents. And then Ryan will wrap up this section next week by seeing how this same principle applies to servants and masters. I know Ryan will address this in more detail next week, but it’s important to note that the kind of slavery that existed in the Middle East in the first century was much different than the kind of slavery that existed here in America for several centuries. Slaves generally lived with their masters and were considered to be part of the household, although they certainly didn’t have the same rights as their masters.

This morning, as I mentioned a moment ago, we’ll dig into the relationship between children and parents. Before I do that, I want to call your attention to something that really struck me this week. From cover to cover, the Bible makes it really clear that the home is the primary place where spiritual development is to take place. While the church is certainly an important part of that process, as we’ve already seen here in Ephesians, it really should have more of a support role rather than taking the lead.

Like we saw last week, I think Paul bases a lot of what he writes here on principles from the Old Testament. In particular these words from Deuteronomy are relevant:

Deuteronomy 6:6–9 ESV

6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

It is clear that the family was to be the primary place where God’s ways were to be taught. The community was a crucial support element, but the main responsibility for planting “spiritual trees” was the family.

Let’s see how Paul develops this same idea:

Ephesians 6:1–4 ESV

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

This is the shortest passage we’re going to be covering in this entire series. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a lot to unpack here. In fact, the last time I preached on this passage it took me three messages to mine the riches that we find here. I won’t go into that much detail this time, but I am confident there is still much for us to learn here. Let’s begin with the main idea:

As I mentioned earlier, for some of you who no longer live at home or who don’t have kids of your own, your “family” might very well be this church. Your spiritual “parents” might be more mature Christians who are or who have mentored you in your walk with Jesus. And your spiritual “children” might be those lives that you are investing in to help others mature.

With that in mind, here is the main idea we’re going to develop today:

The family is God’s primary tool for developing mature disciples

I want to begin by taking a look at the structure of this passage because I am convinced that Paul intentionally uses a frequently used literary device to emphasize the idea of mutual submission between parents and children. Paul uses what is known as a chiasm here. Note how there is a correspondence between “obey” in verse 1 and “bring them up in the discipline and instruction” in verse 4. Children are responsible to obey that which they learn from the discipline and instruction of their fathers.

There is a similar correspondence between “honor” in verse 2 and “do not provoke…to anger” in verse 4. Fathers are to honor their children by not provoking them to anger.

Keep that in mind as we get right to the application from this passage.

Application

HOW TO BE A DISCIPLE-BUILDING FAMILY

Honor each other

The verb which is translated “honor” in verse 2 means

to ascribe worth; to prize; to hold in awe

Especially for all of you kids here that still live at home with your parents, I hope that this is the one thing you’ll take away from this message today. It’s easy to honor your parents when they do things that you like - when they buy you something that you want or let you engage in some activity you like. It’s much harder to honor your parents when you disagree with them or when they keep you from doing something you want to do. But when those times come, I want you to remember this quote from Mark Twain.

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

― Mark Twain

I can certainly relate to that, both as a kid and as a parent. There were undoubtedly times that I really didn’t think my parents knew what they were doing or that they were just trying to keep me from enjoying life. As an adult I can look back and see they really did love me and have my best interests at heart. And I know, because they told me so at the time, that there were times when our kids didn’t think I knew what I was doing either. Hopefully today they now see that I really did love them, and that at least most of the time I did have a clue.

One of the ways that Mary and I have committed to honor each other is to never criticize each other in front of other people. I think that is a great practice for children and parents to observe, too. Kids, don’t criticize your parents in front of your friends or classmates, no matter how mad you might be at them. And parents, don’t go around bashing your kids to other parents or friends or co-workers.

When it comes to how parents are to honor their children, Paul specifically addresses fathers here because they are to be the spiritual leaders in the home. But given that the rest of this passage includes both fathers and mothers, I believe these instructions apply to mothers, too.

Paul describes how parents are to honor their children with both a positive and negative command. Let’s begin with the positive:

…bring them up...

The verb Paul uses there is the same one he used earlier in verse 29 of chapter five when he writes that a husband is to “nourish” his wife. Parents, we honor our children when we cherish them and nourish them spiritually, as well as physically.

I’m going to spend a little more time on the negative command because I think this is where most of us parents tend to fall short and as a result fail to honor our children.

…do not provoke your children to anger...

In the underlying Greek “do not provoke to anger” is just one Greek verb. I think the NIV translation is really good here:

…do not exasperate your children...

I really like The Message paraphrase too:

Fathers, don’t frustrate your children with no-win scenarios.

This list is far from exhaustive, but here are some ways we can exasperate, provoke or frustrate our kids.

Ways I can provoke my children to anger:

Let me just say before I share this list that I am pretty sure that at some point in my parenting I made every one of these mistakes.

Lack of standards

Although our children may complain about not having enough freedom, a lack of standards actually makes our children feel more insecure and unloved.

Lack of trust

This generally results when we go to the other extreme and set up a bunch of arbitrary, overly strict rules that we enforce with an iron fist. We have a responsibility to protect our children appropriately, but when we carry that duty too far it communicates a lack of trust.

Our ultimate goal as parents is to prepare our children to face the world as adults some day. And when we fail to give them appropriate liberty as they get older, we are really communicating that we don’t trust them and that exasperates our children.

Not allowing children to be children

In his classic book, The Strong-Willed Child, Dr. James Dobson develops six principles to help shape the will of our children. One of those six principles is that parents need to distinguish between willful defiance and childish irresponsibility. Our children, especially when they are younger, have accidents and make mistakes just because they are kids and don’t know any better. And we need to be careful not to break their spirit by punishing them inappropriately for behavior that is just consistent with the fact that they are children.

Unrealistic goals and expectations

There is nothing wrong with having high expectations for our children or for wanting them to achieve to the best of their capabilities. But when we consistently set unrealistic goals that they can never reach, we are going to frustrate them greatly.

As an official I see this quite often with youth sports where parents seem to live vicariously through the accomplishments of their kids and expect them to one day become college or professional athletes and they make something that should be fun into a terrible burden.

Criticism

Parents are to bring their children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. And sometimes that requires us to correct them. But there is a difference between correcting and rebuking our children, and constantly criticizing them. I think one of the most practical ways to avoid undue criticism is to establish a practice that every time I have to correct or rebuke my child, I’m going to make sure that at the same time I also have at least two things that I can praise or honor him or her for. In fact, that’s a pretty good principle to follow in all our relationships.

Making children feel like a burden

The Bible is so clear that children are a blessing from God:

Psalm 127:3 ESV

3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.

But it’s really easy to make our children feel like a burden. Most of the time I’m sure we don’t do that intentionally, but it’s so easy to say or do things that make our kids feel like that, even if that’s not our intention. So be careful to think before you speak and act. Again that’s something that’s appropriate for all our relationships.

I know I’ve spent a lot of time on this first principle. That’s because I am confident that if we do this well, if children and parents genuinely honor each other, then the other principles will likely occur naturally.

Be persistent

All the verbs and commands in this passage are present tense. By now you hopefully know that means they are describing an ongoing action. So we could literally translate these commands:

…keep obeying...

…keep honoring...

…keep on not provoking...

…keep bringing them up...

Paul is urging children and parents to cultivate a mindset and a a lifestyle rather than just focusing on outward actions. And we all know that is not something that happens overnight. It is a process.

As we saw in the Deuteronomy passage we looked at earlier that process ought to include formal times of training and instruction, just as Paul commands in verse 4. Parents you should be regularly and systematically teaching your children the Word of God and helping them apply it in their everyday lives.

But maybe just as important are those opportunities that come up during the day as we just live life. And parents, you won’t have those opportunities if you aren’t spending time with your kids.

Because we’re human, during that process there will be missteps and mistakes, by both parents and children, as we navigate that course. But we can’t allow those bumps in the road cause us to give up.

So if we’re going to be persistent we have to be patient with each other. Kids, your parents will make mistakes. When that happens cut them some slack. Treat them with the same grace that Jesus has treated you. Parents, your kids will make mistakes. When that happens, cut them some slack. Treat them with the same grace that Jesus has treated you.

Keep the focus on Jesus

Earlier I pointed out the phrases “in the Lord” and “of the Lord” that bookend this passage. That is reminder that everything we are commanded to do in this passage is to flow out of our relationship with Jesus.

For parents, that means that the discipline and instruction that Paul writes about here is to be rooted in God’s Word. There are multitudes of parenting books available in our culture that each purport to know how we need to be raising our kids. But most of them are just flat out wrong! Child raising advice that is not based on the Scriptures is not only not helpful, it is harmful to our kids.

Kids, this also means that there is a limit to your obedience. Fortunately, I don’t think any of you here today will ever come up against that limit because I know your parents and I can’t imagine they would ever do this. The only time that you don’t need to obey your parents is if they ask you to do something that violates what is written in the Bible. But before you try to use that loophole you better make very sure that their command really does violate Scripture.

Action

We’ve seen this morning that...

The family is God’s primary tool for developing mature disciples

Before I finish I want to briefly address the end of verse 2 and the beginning of verse 3

…(this is the first commandment with a promise) “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land”...

Paul probably has this verse in mind:

Deuteronomy 4:40 ESV

40 Therefore you shall keep his statutes and his commandments, which I command you today, that it may go well with you and with your children after you, and that you may prolong your days in the land that the Lord your God is giving you for all time.”

When children obey their parents in the Lord, then the promise is that they will experience both a quality (that it may go well with you) and quantity (that you may prolong your days) of life. This promise is much like those we find in the Proverbs. It is not a universal promise. Not every child who obeys his or her parents lives a long life or has an easy life. But in general, it is true that life is better for those who honor and obey their parents than it would be if they don’t.

Similarly, parents, no matter how great of a job you do, there is no guarantee that your children will turn out to be the kind of mature disciples that we desire them to become. Ultimately they bear responsibility for their own actions. But the better job you do of not provoking them to anger and bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, the more likely they are to become those mature disciples.

As we close this morning, I’m going to ask everyone here to take a moment to evaluate your own life and to ask God what one practical step you can take to apply what we’ve learned today.

I’ll start with the kids. And that applies to all of you have parents who are still alive, even if you are grown and out of the house. There is no statute of limitations here.

Even though you don’t do it perfectly, do you obey your parents? And when you obey do you do that reluctantly or do you do that because you love your parents and want to please them?

Do you honor your parents in front of your siblings, your friends and your classmates or are you always complaining about them and criticizing them?

As you think about those questions, I want to encourage you to write down one thing you will do this week to better obey and/or honor your parents.

Next, for those of you who are parents. Again, at least some of this may apply even if your kids are grown and have their own kids:

Is there anything you are doing that might provoke your kids to anger or exasperate them?

Do you have a plan to regularly and consistently teach your children the Word of God and help them apply it to their lives? Are you persistent in carrying out that plan?

As you think about those questions, I also want to encourage you to write down one step you will take this week to be a better parent.

As appropriate, I want to encourage families to take some time this week to discuss your answers to these questions with each other. Perhaps God will use that to bring forgiveness and restoration if needed.

If you don’t have living parents, or you don’t have kids of your own, you’re not off the hook. As I mentioned earlier these principles can be applied to our other relationships outside the family.

Is there someone that you have needlessly provoked to anger or failed to give the honor that is due to them?

Is there someone that God has brought into your life that you could disciple and help them to grow in their relationship with Jesus?

Could you use a mentor that could help you grow in your relationship with Jesus?

Go ahead and write down at least one specific thing you’re going to do this week to apply what God brings to mind.

Inspiration

"One generation plants the trees, and another gets the shade."

What are you doing to make sure that you’re planting the spiritual trees that will provide shade for generations to come?