Boundaries

SCRIPTURE:

Galatians 6:2–5 (NIV)

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.

INTRO.

Have you ever been in a bad position before? Show of hands, who has found themselves in a bad position before?

[SP Note: tell a story about a time that you were in a bad position and how that bad position affected your ability to see something fully]

STORY.

A couple of years ago, my wife and I got this GREAT idea for a Father’s Day gift for her dad. My wife’s family is from Ohio and they live about an hour and a half outside of Columbus, which means they’re all BIG Ohio St fans (feel free to boo if the Spirit moves you). I, on the other hand, am a HUGE Notre Dame fan (we literally have touchdown JESUS, even the Lord roots for us)! And it just so happened that in 2022, Notre Dame and Ohio St agreed to play each other on the opening weekend of college football.

So for Father’s Day, Shelb and I bought her dad 3 tickets to the Notre Dame/Ohio St game on opening weekend and graciously agreed to go with him to College Gameday that morning and then to the game that night. Pretty great gift, right?!

So we flew up to Ohio, stayed a couple of days with mom and dad leading up to the game, and then drove down on Saturday morning for all of the festivities. We waited all day for the gates of the stadium to open, and then we FINALLY got to go find our seats and settle in. One problem….

This was our view: [Ohio St Game Picture]

There were two giant pillars right in the way! After all the anticipation, when the moment came, we weren’t in a great position to watch the game. And so I watched a lot of the game on that tiny little TV hanging from the ceiling.

Tension.

You know what I learned? Position matters. Position matters when you’re at a football game, and I think it matters when it comes to loving your neighbor.

That’s what we’ve been talking about around here all summer - how do we love our neighbors?

Something I’ve noticed in my own life and maybe you feel it as well is, even though Jesus commands it, I struggle to love my neighbor. Don’t you? Loving my neighbor is a whole lot easier said than done. And the more that I’ve thought about it, the more I am convinced that when I struggle to love my neighbor it’s because I’m in a bad position.

There have been times where I’ve been in a bad position principally. I didn’t correctly understand the truth of loving my neighbor. Really, I didn’t love my neighbor because I didn’t think I needed to. At the end of the day, loving my neighbor would just cost me something that I don’t want to pay, so I didn’t. And when I’m in that bad position, here’s what it sounds like: "Why would I help them? No one helped me…” "If they would just work harder/make better decisions/have more faith, they wouldn't be in that position." There’s been plenty of moments where I’ve been in a bad position principally.

But there’s also been times where I’ve been in a bad position practically. I didn’t really know how to love my neighbor. Even if I actually wanted to love my neighbor, it felt like they needed something that I didn’t have to give. Maybe it felt like they needed money and I was broke. They needed someone to spend time with them and listen to them and I was busy. They needed knowledge or wisdom and I hadn’t ever experienced what they were experiencing before.

And I just wonder: how well could we love our neighbors if we were in a better position to do so?

What if loving our neighbor was something that every follower of Jesus, through the wisdom of God, was actually put in a position to be able to do?

TRUTH.

I believe that God has given us a way to be in a position to love our neighbors well, and that way is through healthy boundaries.

This is where our passage of Scripture In Galatians chapter 6 is really helpful. Galatians was a letter written by Pastor Paul to some churches in the same area called Galatia. And he’s writing the letter because the people at these churches were starting to get confused by people who were coming in and teaching things about what it looks like to follow Jesus that weren’t correct. These teachers were putting the people of the church in bad positions, and so Paul is writing to help put them in a better position to follow Jesus.

In Galatians chapter 5, Paul teaches them the principles of following Jesus - he helps them correctly understand what it means to follow Jesus. He helps them see what’s true. And then in Galatians 6, Paul teaches them how to live out those principles practically. He shows them how the truth should look in their lives. So let’s do the same thing. Let’s look at what the right principle is and then find the right practice.

Galatians 6:1 (NIV)

Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.

There’s an overarching principle here that we have to understand. God has designed His people to be in community. He says we are “brothers and sisters.” His point is that we are each individuals - a brother or a sister - but we also belong to a bigger unit, a family. Each of us are individuals that also belong to something bigger than our individual self.

We’re made to be in community. And because community is such a big part of how we’re designed, relationships play a key factor in how we love our neighbor. Why? Because relationships are what drives community. Relationships go from healthy to unhealthy when they go outside of appropriate boundaries. And the two ways that we tend to go outside of appropriate boundaries in our relationships are independence and codependence.

We are made to be in community, which means we are NOT made to be independent. There are no lone wolf Christians. Independent people are just an individual but refuse to belong with others.

At the same time, we’re also NOT made to be codependent. Codependent people do not have a sense of individual identity and ONLY belong to others. Both independence and codependence take relationships from healthy to unhealthy. But appropriate boundaries help keep our relationships healthy, which helps keep our community healthy.

And we have to understand that because Galatians 6:2-5 is assuming that we are in a good position with the principle that we are designed to be in community. It assumes that we understand and agree to that, because then Paul moves on to talk about how to correctly practice that principle. And the way that Paul talks about how to practice living in community is through the metaphor of loads and burdens.

Galatians 6:2–5 (NIV)

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.

The word “load” here is a shipping term. It means the maximum amount a ship can carry before it sinks. The word “burden” here is also a shipping term. It means "over capacity."

During the time that Paul wrote the letter, if a ship was over capacity, another ship would pull up beside them and they would unload cargo from the burdened ship onto the other ship until the burdened ship was back at capacity. Now remember, Paul’s not talking about ships, he’s talking about God’s people. The ships are meant to provide a picture of what God’s people should be like.

So, just like every ship has a “load” that they are expected to carry, each person has a load that they are expected to carry. Our load is what we are responsible for. Another way of looking at it is that a load is anything that is directly within my control. For example, as a student, you are responsible for:

Your grades

Your attitude

Taking care of your body

Honoring authority

Honoring your commitments

Your choices

Who your friends are

What you choose to watch/listen to

These are all part of your “load” that’s yours to carry. You are directly responsible and accountable for your load.

But, just like ships have things that get placed on them unexpectedly that take them over capacity, people also have burdens that take them over their capacity. Burdens are things that are “above and beyond” our normal responsibilities. They are often out of our control. Some examples of burdens are:

Your mom and dad tell you they’re getting a divorce

You broke your ankle during your game last week and now you’re on crutches for 6 months

Your mom or dad lost their job

Your friend betrayed you and started a rumor about you that isn’t true

Your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you

Someone you trusted took advantage of you and caused harm to you

You are responsible and accountable for your load. But you are not expected to just tough it out, suck it up and carry your burdens. You can ask for and receive help carrying your burdens.

What Paul is saying is in healthy relationships:

Everyone carries their own load

Anyone who is burdened should ask for and receive help

Anyone who has margin should seek to help those who are burdened

As an individual, you are responsible and accountable for your load. No one else can carry that for you. But as a part of a community, you are free to ask and receive help with your burdens, and are obligated to offer and help carry others’ burdens.

So here’s the question - how do healthy boundaries help me love my neighbor?

Boundaries help me love my neighbor by:

Putting myself in a good position to help carry burdens by having margin to do so

Putting others in a good position by not making them feel tempted to have to carry my load for me

So now that we’ve got the right principle, what’s the right practice?

APPLICATION.

My friend, Andy, taught me a practice that I think is really helpful here. If we want to practice good boundaries, we need to define the line.

I don’t think that most people want to drift into unhealthy relationships. I think, if we asked, most people would say that they want their relationships to be healthy! So if most people want unhealthy relationships, why do so many drift into unhealthy relationships through independence or codependence? I don’t actually think they actually do it on purpose, I just don’t think they know where the line is. And the line that I’m talking about is the line that distinguishes a load from a burden.

And so I want to have a couple of moments to do that right now. Let’s define our line. Everyone should have a sheet of paper and a pen under their chair. I want you to draw a line down the middle of your paper. On the left hand side, write “load” at the top. On the right hand side, write “burden” at the top.

Now take a couple of minutes and think through your life. Anything that you have 100% direct control over, write that on the side that says “load.” I’ll put those examples I gave earlier back up on the screen. Go ahead and start writing.

[Pause to let students write. Might be good to throw some background music up in your room.]

Now let’s do the same thing on the side of the paper that says “burden.” Think through your life. Start to write down the things in your life that you don’t have complete control over. I’ll put those examples I gave earlier back on the screen. Go ahead and start writing.

[Pause to let students write. Might be good to throw some background music up in your room.]

Everyone have a decent-sized list on both sides? Perfect.

Now that we’ve defined the line it’s time to take responsibility.

Start by taking responsibility for the things that make up your load. The things that are on your list are your job and no one else’s. A lot of times, our relationships with our parents, our friends, our church can become unhealthy because we don’t take responsibility for our own load and expect someone else to pick up the slack.

Tonight, commit to love your neighbors by taking full responsibility for your load. Own it. Do it to the best of your ability.

And then take responsibility for the things that make up your burden. And you might find yourself asking, “how do I take responsibility for my burdens? I thought that was the stuff I was supposed to get help with?”

Take responsibility by asking for help

As part of your community, we can’t help if we don’t know you need it. Part of the responsibility of a burdened person is being humble enough to admit they need help and to go to the proper people to ask for help.

However, there are also moments where the help that we need is beyond what another person can give us. That’s, in part, why prayer is so special. Prayer is the place where we keep company with the God of the universe who wants to and is able to help.

Did you know that God actually wants to help you carry your burdens?

Matthew 7:7–11 NIV

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

James 1:5 NIV

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

1 Peter 5:7 NIV

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Not only does your church community want to help you, but so does your heavenly Father! But you have to ask.

So, as we get ready to head to groups, where do you need to take responsibility? Do you need to take responsibility for carrying your load? Or re you burdened and need to take responsibility by asking for some help?

Let’s pray and then we’ll go talk about it.