The Joys of Conflict

50% of all first marriages end in divorce. That’s a sobering statistic. 60% of second marriages, and 73% of third marriages.

For those of you who like statistics. The years with the highest risk of divorce is the first two years. You’ve been madly in love. You marry your soul-mate, and then you realize who this person actually is. That they are not actually your soul-mate, and you don’t really want to be devoted to this person until death do you part.

The next highest risk of divorce is 5-8 years of marriage. Marilyn Monroe made a movie: the seven-year itch. It’s a thing. The average age of a marriage that ends in divorce is 8 years. If you take into account that the average divorce takes a year to finalize: that’s seven years. We could point to so many reasons why these years have a high divorce rate, but they do.

The next highest risk of divorce is after 20 years. It’s called grey divorce. The kids are out of the house and you realize that you don’t know your spouse anymore, because you have focused all your attention on your kids. Or perhaps you do know your spouse, and you have been tolerating that person for all this time, and finally the kids are out of the house, so you want to be free.

The safest years for marriage are 9-15. Sociologists posit that relationship expectations get more practical over time: one writes: “Once you realize that life is not a fairy tale, then you settle into life and focus on your family and career.”

So sad to constrict the God-imaging institution of marriage down to facts and figures.

But, the truth is: we are broken, sinful people who will grasp any excuse to not cherish the things that God cherishes.

We have been following the narrative of King Solomon and his beloved through their relationship. They were madly in love, greatly desiring their wedding night, yearning to consummate their covenant. We saw their wedding, King Solomon proclaiming before everyone present that he was going to provide and protect his beloved until death do them part.

We read about their wedding night, the ecstasy and worship that came, as they enjoyed each other’s bodies and glorified the God who created and blessed their union.

And, now, they are married. And, the idyllic bliss that they experienced is ended. Real life has hit and marriage is not as expected. How do they traverse this roadblock in their happiness?

We are going to walk through this passage and then discuss the second part to our discussion of intimate companionship.

Pray

1. The First Conflict: Exposition of the Text

Some time has passed since the wedding night. We do not know how long or short. All we know is that some time has passed.

A. Song 5:2-3

Song of Solomon 5:2–3 NIV

I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My beloved is knocking: “Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.” I have taken off my robe— must I put it on again? I have washed my feet— must I soil them again?

For some reason, the beloved has gone to bed before King Solomon has come home. Perhaps he was delayed. Perhaps he was working late.

All we know is that she is in bed and the door is locked.

He comes to the door, wanting to come in out of the cold and wet air, but he cannot, because the door is locked. He loves her. He pours out a quick succession of pet names, showing how much he loves her. My sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one.

And she responds: I’ve taken off my robe and I’ve washed my feet. I’m comfortable in my bed. I don’t want to get up. You should have thought about this before you stayed away for so long.

His vocal calls for love falls flat.

Love is inconvenient. It requires selflessness. But, the beloved responds to the love of the King by voicing her comfort, her desires. The relationship was all about her.

B. Song 5:4-6

Song of Solomon 5:4–6 NIV

My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt. I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer.

King Solomon doesn’t berate her, scream at her, demand his way. He tries to come in, but can’t, so he walks away.

Through that, he seems to have placed sweet smelling myrrh on the latch, giving blessing to her rather than condemnation.

She realizes her love for him through this. She jumps up, flings open the door, but he was not there anymore. And her heart sinks.

So often, we are like the beloved: we hold some sort of grudge at our spouse, telling them that they have to change before we will respond to them, they have to make something right. But, then, finally, we open the door and they are not there anymore. They have stopped waiting for us, they have stopped pursuing us. And we realize that the broken relationship wasn’t their fault, but ours.

C. Song 5:7-8

Song of Solomon 5:7–8 NIV

The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls! Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you— if you find my beloved, what will you tell him? Tell him I am faint with love.

So, she goes through the streets of Jerusalem, trying to find her love, the King. She meets the watchmen, who were supposed to protect her, but they disciplined her instead for not keeping the curfew. She finally yells for the women of Jerusalem to tell the King what is happening.

This narrative is so similar to the people of Israel. They are called “married” to God. However, time and again, when God pleads with them to turn to him, to develop that relationship, they say “No,” so God sends someone to discipline them.

It is also similar to us. Jesus is described in Revelation very similarly to the beginning of Song 5.

Revelation 3:20 NIV

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

This verse is not about salvation. It is about his Church, his bride, who has shut him out. And he is standing at the door knocking, saying “Let me in!”

He speaks sweet words to us, calling us to get up that we might experience his love.

And we respond: it’s not convenient. I want to do something else right now. I’m so tired.

He calls us to leave our comforts that we might know Him.

But, we will not. And in that moment, we lose access to a means of grace that we have enjoyed, or we have a sense of inward spiritual desertion.

“A good preacher may be removed; a faithful church may close. You may be cut off from fellowship by illness or some other circumstance. A mistake that we often make is to suppose that because God is eternal, patient, unchanging and can always be sought, we can leave such times to our own convenience. For example, we think of how ‘when I am older,’ ‘when the kids are off my hands,’ or ‘later today’ or ‘at another time’ we will be more prayerful and seek God. However reality is not like that.”

In those moments, when we feel the conviction of sin and abandonment, through the hands of God’s watchmen, we should cry out:

Song of Solomon 5:8 NIV

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you— if you find my beloved, what will you tell him? Tell him I am faint with love.

We confess what we have done, begging people to pray for us, and yearning to spend time with God once again.

D. Song 5:9-16

In that moment, we remember who God is. Just like, in the moment of a broken marriage, the beloved remembers who her husband is.

Song of Solomon 5:9–16 NIV

How is your beloved better than others, most beautiful of women? How is your beloved better than others, that you so charge us? My beloved is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. His head is purest gold; his hair is wavy and black as a raven. His eyes are like doves by the water streams, washed in milk, mounted like jewels. His cheeks are like beds of spice yielding perfume. His lips are like lilies dripping with myrrh. His arms are rods of gold set with topaz. His body is like polished ivory decorated with lapis lazuli. His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as its cedars. His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, this is my friend, daughters of Jerusalem.

She describes his physical appearance, but also his character. Taking the images of his body together, we see someone who is solid, strong. “He is immovable, invincible, unassailable. No one can stand against him. The victory is always his and those under his protection need fear nothing.”

She ends with saying that he is altogether lovely.

Such an amazing description of her husband, and so relatable to our Lord Jesus Christ.

“In applying this verse to Christ, John Own uses the word ‘lovely’ eleven times over. He speaks of how lovely Christ is with regard to his person, birth, live, death, resurrection and ascension, glory and majesty, grace and consolations, tender care, power and wisdom, ordinances, vengeance and pardon, ‘what shall I say?’ he concludes. ‘He is altogether lovely.’”

Finally, the beloved finishes: this is my beloved, this is my friend. What a thing to say about one’s spouse. What a confession in the face of disagreement. And what an amazing thing we are able to say about the creator of the universe! Is this our viewpoint of Jesus? Is this our viewpoint of our spouse?

2. Defense of Marriage: Intimate Companionship, pt 2

Alas, I must keep going. Our viewpoint of Christ and our viewpoint of our spouse dictates how our relationship will be.

A. Design of Companionship

Two weeks ago, we discussed how marriage is supposed to be. “Two different people, drastically different not only in biology, but in emotions and desires and dreams. These two people coming together to support one another, encourage one another, mature one another, and be completely devoted to one another, even if no one else in the world is.”

Marriage is supposed to be a picture of how the Triune God relates to himself. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

Moses records for us in Genesis:

Genesis 2:24 NIV

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

And, then we see this unity in the next verse:

Genesis 2:25 NIV

Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Marriage is supposed to be oneness, or as we discussed two weeks ago: intimate companionship.

When two people know one another closer than any other person, and hold that knowledge in safety and encouragement.

It is such a powerful picture of who God is to the world around. People who could never imagine such a thing happening. And then, right there before their eyes, they see you, hopefully, showing them a picture of God in a way that is not humanly possible.

It’s really a neat thing.

B. Breakdown of Companionship

But, face it: we are all sinners. We live in Genesis 3, not Genesis 2. We are like the beloved in Song 5: But, I really don’t feel like loving you right now, because of this, this, this, and this reason.

And, when we do that, we are merely proving that we are sinners desperately in need of God’s grace. If we say: wife, or husband, I don’t want to love you right now. I don’t want to show you God’s forgiveness and grace. We are saying that the problem in our relationship, on matter how much we protest, is not my spouse, but me.

We are sinful. We are selfish. We don’t want to be inconvenienced. And so we lash out.

There are four main ways that someone lashes out in a relationship.

a. Withdrawal

This is an unwillingness to stay in important conversations. I am hurt. I walk out. I say that I’m fine. I don’t want to talk about it: push it under the rug.

b. Escalation

This is negative responses to another that create a snowball effect that leads to increased hostility and negativity.

You said, what? What did you call me? Can you guess what happens when a withdrawer and an escalator gets married?

c. Negative Interpretation

Now, I don’t want to be sexist, but while everyone can struggle with this, normally the women get a bad wrap for this.

This is when someone believes the motive of the other person to be more negative than is really the case. Dear, you look so beautiful in that dress! Did you say that I was fat?!

Or, the classic: I know what you are thinking, I know what you are doing. You did this 23 years ago, 2 months, and 3 days, same exact thing.

d. Invalidation

Men, you are not off the hook. Invalidation is subtle, indirect put-downs of the thoughts, feelings, or character of another. Sarcasm is invalidation. When you say anything against what they are feeling at the moment: that is invalidation. No matter if you are right, it is invalidation.

Each of these patterns are sinful patterns because they breakdown the intimation companionship that God meant for you to have.

C. Restoration of Companionship

How do we restore a relationship that has broken down? Well, we be the beloved, before she refuses the man.

Song of Solomon 5:4 NIV

My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him.

We remember that we love this person, so we will seek intimate companionship. We will allow them to see our whole self.

Song of Solomon 5:5 NIV

I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt.

We move toward them, not against them. Not away from them.

Song of Solomon 5:5 NIV

I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt.

We remember how our spouse loves us. They stood before an altar and pledged their love until death do them part. They will not try to intentionally hurt. Even though it seems like it and all the evidence is piled against them. We remember their love and their covenant.

Song of Solomon 5:6 NIV

I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer.

We open to our lover and let them in. Through that, we seek mutual understanding of what has happened.

Not like the fool in Proverbs, or the distracted beloved in Song 5

Proverbs 18:2 NIV

Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.

We try to understand our spouse, to step into their shoes, to hear and understand emotions and motivations. To not get defensive, but seek to show our love, to fight for our intimate companionship, not for our desires or our convenience.

To realize that the good of our marriage is more important than each one of us individually. Not just for our family unity, but for the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

D. Habit of Companionship

Many times, marriages seem to be one crisis after another, and the spouses are constantly trying to restore companionship after a breakdown. But, God hasn’t designed marriage to be reactive. God hasn’t designed our lives to be reactive. We are called to proactively follow him.

So, how do we form habits of companionship.

Well, it comes from an understanding that we are to be devoted to our spouse, not our parents, not our siblings, not our kids. We are to be devoted to our spouse.

Confessing with the beloved:

Song of Solomon 5:16 NIV

His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, this is my friend, daughters of Jerusalem.

And, what do we do with friends? We spend time with them. We show our devotion.

I’ve said this before, and I will say it again. For marriages to thrive, they must spend devoted time with each other. Just as our relationship with God needs daily maintenance, so our relationship with our spouse does. We should date our spouse every single day. Find 15 minutes to talk about the day, without the kids around, maybe do something fun. That’s why we put our kids to bed between 7 and 8, so that we can have that time together.

Not only daily dates, but weekly dates. 3 hours away from the kids each week. You say you don’t know how to do it? Talk to me. Couples see a drastic difference in their relationship and the amount of their conflicts by how much time they spend together alone.

Finally, yearly dates. Leave the kids, leave your area, for 24 hours. And spend time together, intentionally.

I need to wrap this up. God has called us to intimate companionship. If we are allowing anything to destroy this, no matter the excuse we give, we need to repent and pursue it once again, for the sake of our witness and our testimony. And God will give us the grace to come back together, and humbly take the steps necessary to restore what was for his honor and his glory.