Leadership you can Trust

In: 1. I love archeology and history

a. Indiana Jones (arrowheads)

b. Cities built on top of the old remains

c. Our lives are built on top of the work of others

2. Everything good we have today, someone paid the price for

a. Our freedom- veterans who paid the price

b. Our church- 17 people paid the price, leaders, families

c. Where I am today

1) Sherri & I as pastors- standing on the shoulders of Bro & Sis McNabb

2) Bruce & Janet McCarty, Robert & Patricia Polvado

3) Sherri’s influence- all the good ideas

4) Our parents- paid the price, stayed together, raised us right

3. Parenting is the hardest job in the world

a. Children- we TEACH them WHAT to think

b. Teenagers- we TRAIN them HOW to think

c. Adults- We TURST them with what we taught them

1) Parenting adult children may be even harder than any other stage

4. 3 John 1:4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth

a. Isn’t that one of the main goals of our life?

b. The family is God’s plan for discipleship- passing it on

c. What is your goal for your kids in life?

5. Family 2024 - Our house over the White house

a. Leadership you can trust- Breaking bad patterns

b. Can you trust your leadership?

6. How do we effectively “launch” our kids out into adulthood? Marriage?

7. Matthew 19:4-6 Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.” 5 And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ 6 Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

8. The Story of Jacob’s family and their interaction with their extended families- Genesis 26-31

I. LEAVING

A. Launching- sending them out

1. Isaac & Rebekah- Esau’s wives, Jacob sent out (trust)

2. Esau still bitter- Genesis 26:34 When Esau was forty years old, he married Judith a Hittite, and Basemath a Hittite. 35 They were a source of grief to Isaac and Rebekah

3. Genesis 28:8-9 Esau then realized how displeasing the Canaanite women were to his father Isaac; 9 so he went to Ishmael and married Mahalath, in addition to the wives he already had

4. Genesis 28- Launch Jacob with guidance to find a spouse

B. We need to prepare them to leave

1. Jesus spent three years getting the disciples ready for Him to leave

2. We must prepare them as much as we protect them

3. We all either learn from people or from pain (decision making)

a. Lady at a support group said, “I have been married to nine abusive men, and I am not going to ever do it again!” Someone else in the group replied, “Oh, stop it, Mary. You have not been married to nine abusive men. You have been married to the same abusive man with nine different names.”

b. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me

c. The first time you’re a victim. The second time you’re a volunteer

4. Kids need to learn at affordable prices (Love & Logic)

a. Today’s kids suffer from inflation

1) The cost of learning how to live in our world is going up daily

2) The price a child pays today to learn about friendships, school, learning, commitment, decision-making, and responsibility is the cheapest it will ever be. Tomorrow it’s always higher

3) The older a child gets, the bigger the decisions become and the graver the consequences of those decisions

4) Busy day as Associate/Youth- Wife affair, wife cancer, intervention to get daughter

5. Overparenting children underprepares them for adulthood

a. If we never allow them to fail, we never allow them to learn

b. We may feel they we’re easing their path into adulthood, but we may be stealing a growing opportunity in the name of love

6. The real world does not run on the family bail-out principle. Traffic tickets, overdue bills, irresponsible people, hospital stays, taxes are the normal events of adult life usually do not disappear because a rich uncle in Zimbabwe dies and leaves us in his will

a. Allowing our kids to fail goes against the parental grain

b. The older they get, the ability to make decisions becomes even more important for them

C. The Goal is Maturity

1. Maturity- prepared with what they need to go out and succeed

a. Ephesians 5:28-29 Jesus nourishes and cherishes the church

b. Nourish- to bring to maturity

c. James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything

2. A Mature person has good decision making skills- responsibility

a. They can weight the pro’s and con’s, perspective of immediate and future consequences

b. Learning to hear from God (Bible, others, inner voice)

1) Eli helped Samuel as a little boy to recognize the voice of God

c. If we are the voice of God in their life, what will they do when we aren’t around?

* We need to prepare them to leave

II. CLEAVING

A. Cleave- to pursue so closely it’s like being glued together

1. Our passion switches from our family to our spouse

2. We love our spouse over our extended family

a. Luke 14:26 If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters, yes, even his own life, he cannot be my disciple

b. The idea is preference- you prefer one over the other

c. It’s a love that is so strong that all other loves seem like hate

B. A new start

1. Their priorities change

a. When a young couple gets married, they are not joining each other’s families, they are starting a new family

1) I understand that it’s a package deal, but…

b. Priorities switch from God, family, work - God, spouse, children, extended family, work

1) I’m the #1 guy in Madison’s life, but one day I’ll be #2, then #3

C. If they never leave it will be impossible to cleave

1. Laban didn’t want to let his girls go

a. Genesis 30 Jacob says I’m going home- Laban negotiates his wages

1) I’m blessed because of you- It’s not about you being blessed, its about your kids being blessed

2) You being here makes me feel good

b. 31:5 Jacob tells his wives we’re going to go back to my homeland

c. 31:26 Laban chases them down- What have you done? You’ve deceived me, and you’ve carried off my daughters like captives in war

1) When parents don’t allow their kids to leave, it becomes like a hostage negotiation. We are setting them up in a love triangle between us and their spouse

a) Guilt trips over- Holidays, family vacations

b) They are literally stuck in the middle of their parents & their spouse

2) Many spouses hate their life because they are being told what they have to do by people they did not marry

3) It’s not fair to the young couple to carry that amount of anxiety and stress

d. 31:41-42 For twenty years I slaved in your house and you changed my wages 10 times! In fact, if God had not been with me, you would have sent me away empty-handed

1) If Laban had his way Jacob would have lost his wives, kids, stuff

a) I’ve seen parents that would rather their kids get divorced and be back with them than them having a happy marriage and them taking 2nd place in their kids’ lives

3) 31:43 Laban answered Jacob, “The women are my daughters, the children are my children, and the flocks are my flocks. All you see is mine. NO THEY ARE NOT!!!

4) A man LEAVES his father and mother. Parents GIVE their daughter away

D. Why do parents & their kids struggle with letting go?

1. Immaturity – The child never had a chance to grow up. They are co-dependent on the parent

2. Savior Complex

a. If I leave, my parents will get divorced because their marriage is not good

1) Why some families vacation together. They don’t know how to have fun alone. Their kids are the only thing they have in common

b. You are not their savior

1) How can you be healthy when you’re taking everyone’s fear and anxiety

3. Favoritism

a. You would think Jacob wouldn’t go that route- Jacob was Rebekah’s, Esau was Isaac’s

b. This is where family members build triangles- a third person

1) Each parent picks a favorite that takes their side

4. Crises- Some families only feel close when there is a crisis. (Sickness, divorce, accident)

a. Every time someone starts to make a break there’s a new crisis to pull them back

5. Manipulation- through guilt, pressure, financial gifts, hyper-spirituality (God told me)

a. When kids are little, you can control them, but as they get older, you can only influence them

b. You can have a healthy relationships, unhealthy relationships, or no relationship

1) Unfortunately, many families only give you two options

2) We have to decide if we want our traditions or our kids

C. The goal is healthy children with healthy marriages

a. My joy in my kids cannot be in how close I am to them, but how healthy they are spiritually

b. My joy in my married kids cannot be in how close I am to them, but how healthy their family is

c. 3 John 1:4 I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth

* All them to leave and cleave

III. BOUNDARIES

A. Broken Systems

1. Families share- homes, food, traditions, sports teams, memories, sicknesses

a. Every child you have adds another week to any sickness

2. Families also share emotions

a. Fear & Anxiety- mom’s worries spread to the kids

b. Anger- how we handle conflict

c. Trust & Suspicion- quick to trust or suspicious of everyone

3. When family broken systems are passed down generation after generation, that’s what generational curses are (Influence)

B. Breaking the pattern

* Genesis 31:45 Jacob set up a boundary between His family and Laban’s family- We won’t come at each other with ill intent

1. Default- an automatic action or standard response

a. Our default is going to be what we have seen role-modeled in front of us

b. We say we want our family to be different- what’s your plan?

1) If you fail to plan you plan to fail

C. Building some boundaries - boundaries we need to set up?

1. The freedom to do things differently

a. Young people do things differently than we do

1) We all did- music, dress, hairstyles, jobs

b. Give you kids the right to tell you when something you are doing is hurting them without being defensive or dismissive

c. The average church in America is 80 people

d. The 8 dying words of a church are, “We have never done it that way before”

2. An awareness that the relationship must change

a. Jesus did this with his family (Barmitzva-12/13)

1) Stayed behind in Jerusalem at 12- mom worried, reminds her of his mission/goal

2) Mark 3

a) v21 When his family heard what was happening, they tried to take him away. “He’s out of his mind,” they said. (Pharisees saying he’s demon possessed)

b) v32-24 Your mother and your brothers are standing outside, and they want to see you. Jesus replied, My mother and my brothers are all those who hear God’s word and obey it.

b. Jesus lets them know the relationship has changed. It has to if they are going to be who God wants them to be

3. The courage to make a change

a. Somewhere in your family line, someone probably made this decision and today you are blessed because of their courage

b. They had the courage to take the risk of being written out of the will, moving away, trying to make a living on their own or being shut out of the family in order to get healthy, Cleave new passion, priorities

c. Today you are blessed because of that decision

d. It’s not about trying to break apart the family, but for the family to get healthy before it breaks apart

* Create some boundaries to help your family

Cn: 1. I could list 1,000 things I said I’d never do in my family, as a dad, husband

a. Madison towel- Every time I open my mouth my mom comes out

2. Regrets, wish you could start over again

3. The hope of the gospel is starting over again knowing what you know now

4. You can break the pattern in your life, family today

5. You may be in an unhealthy pattern- of your doing or others

6. Break the pattern today- build some boundaries

Al: 1. Break from the old you- salvation

2. Break from an unhealthy pattern