Conflict Resolution

James 4:1–12 NASB95

1 What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? 2 You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures. 4 You adulteresses, do you not know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 5 Or do you think that the Scripture speaks to no purpose: “He jealously desires the Spirit which He has made to dwell in us”? 6 But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, “God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” 7 Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you. 11 Do not speak against one another, brethren. He who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks against the law and judges the law; but if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge of it. 12 There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and to destroy; but who are you who judge your neighbor?

INTRO: There are 4 words that nobody wants to hear in any relationship: “We Need to Talk” When you hear those words, you just know that the conversation that ensues is not going to be fun. But we’ve all been there- Conflict is inevitable in every relationship at some point.

It happens at work, in our homes, the schools, sports teams, and yes, even in the church. As hard as it is to believe, Christians are not immune to conflict.

And, all conflict is not bad- in fact, God often uses conflict in our lives to help us mature and grow in Christlikeness. But only when we deal with it correctly!

I was reading a book by Ken Sande, who is an expert in conflict resolution. He explains that our responses to conflict land on a scale. On one extreme, we have the ‘flight’ response or the escape response.

This is when people decide that instead of working through a conflict, they will choose to leave. In marriages, it might lead to a divorce. In friendships it might mean ignoring the other person involved. In church, it often means either quitting church or going to another church.

But this response is just running from the problem and truth be told, it does not help anyone. Ken Sande calls this “Peace-faking” - We run away and pretend to be fine.

On the other side of the spectrum is the “fight” response or attack response. This can sometimes become violent- it’s when the conflict response is to be aggressive towards the other person involved rather than address the issue itself. In your marriage, it might be constant fighting- your goal is to make the other person miserable. It might look like sabotage in the workplace. Or, it might look like 2 grown men fist-fighting in the church parking lot.

This response indicates that you are not interested in resolution and instead choose war. Sande calls this “Peace-breaking”

But in the middle, is Peace-making. It’s reconciling, not ignoring or warring. It’s not about winning or losing, it’s about wholeness and healing. It’s not enough to avoid conflict or even reduce conflict. The goal is to resolve conflict.

I believe this is what God desires for his people.

As we turn to James 4, I believe that God, in His sovereignty, has led us to this difficult and necessary instruction at this specific time. I am continually amazed how God speaks through His word, and I pray that we will hear His voice as we learn together this morning.

That being said, there is conflict that needs to be resolved. There is conflict in this body and chances are there is conflict in some of your homes, your friend groups, and your workplaces. We won’t dive into specific issues in this sermon… we are going to stick to what is addressed in God’s Word. That means we’re going straight to the heart of the matter.

At the end of the message, we will have the opportunity to take part in the Lord’s Supper- the ultimate symbol of restoration and unity in Christ.

Now, maybe you are here and you are feeling like this might be intense. Please hear me: As God’s church, we must be authentic. We must choose His ways over our ways and yes, that might feel a bit more intense than you are comfortable with.

Even so, if God is speaking to you through this- if you are feeling a bit defensive or uncomfortable- I want to plead with you to: Be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.

Church I believe “We need to talk.” In our time, we will be looking at the topic of “Conflict Resolution” as presented by James. I have a very simple outline for you, so if you are taking notes, allow me to give you the two main points we will explore:

The Source of Conflict

The Solution to Conflict

Don’t worry, I’ll have some sub-points for you to jot down in your sermon guide. Let’s dive in beginning with James’ rhetorical question. What is the source of conflicts? (1a)

The Source of Conflict (1-4, 11-12)

(READ v. 1)

The Source of Conflict is our Sinful Desires

I have no idea what conflicts were happening among the scattered Jews. Maybe they were arguing over ceremonial procedures or traditions. Maybe there were disagreements over music style or what time they should meet on Sundays. Who knows, maybe they were arguing about the color of the carpet.

But whatever they were quarrelling over, James does not address. The source of the conflict is not an issue nor a person, but rather it is the ‘pleasures’ or selfish desires of those involved.

I want this. You want that. Our conflict is caused because we want what we want. Then our response is to build alliances or sympathizers to “be on my side.”

ILL: Maybe you’ve seen this: I have a cup of water… now [bump it] Why is there water on the floor? No, not because I bumped it, because there is water in the glass. If there were coffee in the cup, coffee would end up on the floor.

James is saying that conflict is what spills over when there is selfishness in our hearts!

Some of our wants are good, you say! How are desires the source of conflict? Well, sometimes even ‘good desires’ become sinful. Look at what James says in v. 2 (READ)

Conflict Erupts When our Desires Become Demands

This is the attitude that we must have and deserve to have what we want.

And you might be thinking- “But what I want is good.”

ILL: There are times that I get frustrated. You ever try to lead teens in a devotion time? Well, they aren’t always engaged. In fact, sometimes they are bored or nodding off. My want for this time can erupt into thoughts or accusations that they don’t love Jesus. Suddenly, it’s me against them…

You might want for your spouse to show you more affection, but when your want becomes a demand, you belittle the other person. You might want for your employer or co-worker to be more respectful, but when that desire turns into a demand, the other people become enemies.

James uses the line “You commit murder” - that might sound strong, but I’ll remind you that it was Jesus who taught that when you call your brother “fool” you have committed murder in your heart. And that’s what happens when our desires become demands. You get frustrated because you cannot get what we believe we deserve- love, respect, power, a win, etc.

We might call people names, spread lies about them, and in a sense, attempt murder of their name. In this, we stop thinking about the other people as image-bearers of God, and instead see them as obstacles in our way to getting what we want and demand. It’s not about what is best for us, our relationship - it’s what I demand.

And, as James points out, this is made worse because we are unwilling to ask and be civilized. We talk about the other people, not to the other people. We choose gossip and slander over a rational conversation seeking truth. Look over to v. 11-12 (READ)

What James is saying here, beyond the obvious call to love one another, is that when we are demanding certain things, we are putting ourselves in the place of God- only God can demand for he is the law giver and judge.

Conflicts are rooted in our desires, made worse when the desires become demands, and

Conflicts Destroy When Our Desires and Demands Become Idols

(READ 3-4)

James shows that the motive has moved from a want to demand to an idol. When we want our wants more than we want God, our focus and mission has been distorted - our perception of reality is askew.

Even those good desires can place programs or projects above the mission of Christ. We stop asking “What does God want for us?” and instead begin to act like the world- doing whatever we can to serve our idol and win our way.

Our new perception is that as long as this happens, it’s worth the cost. Marriages are destroyed because couples choose the idolatry of control, lust, or wealth. Business partnership are ruined by the idolatry of worldly status. Friendships and churches are ripped apart because people want their way more than they want God’s way.

When Christians get entangled in this kind of conflict, our witness to the world is not that of love for God and neighbor, but rather just another group of selfish hypocrites.

This is a heavy, hard topic, I know. I can feel the tension. Before we move on, can I just tell you that I love each one of you. I want God’s best for you and this church and that’s why I didn’t skip this section of scripture even as it’s super uncomfortable to preach. I feel like we need to stop and pray for a minute…[PRAY]

There is good news, church. We are not left with simply a diagnosis of the cause of conflict. Let’s look a little further at

The Solution to Conflict (5-10)

Conflict is Resolved Through the Gospel

In v. 5-6 (READ), James asks another rhetorical question- “Do you think that Scripture has no purpose?” or Do you think that the Bible has nothing to say about our conflict?

ILL - All of Scripture is a testimony of God’s reconciling grace. From the days of Adam in the garden, God has worked history to culminate in the ‘greater grace’ of Jesus Christ.

Often, Christians think of the Gospel as either a door we walked through some time in the past or an airplane ticket we are saving for sometime in the future. But the Word of God shows us that the Gospel is NOW.

We are reconciled to God NOW. We are adopted as children of God through Jesus NOW. We are justified through Christ’s atonement NOW! We are no longer enemies of God, we are NOW grafted into Him through Christ! And God is jealous for us- He desires us and as we lean into the Gospel, our lives are not the same.

Conflict does not have to be destructive! Conflict does not have to mean the end of relationships.

I am reminded of Mary and Martha- remember Martha? How she worked so diligently in the kitchen while Mary sat at Jesus’ feet? Do you remember the conflict? The division? The call of Martha that Jesus would rebuke Mary? Yet, Jesus called Martha in love to abide in the grace of His presence.

You see folks, we have received a grace greater than the conflict. And that grace allows us to forgive, have honest dialogue, and seek the glory of Christ above all. Conflict is resolved through the Gospel just as we are reconciled through the Gospel… let’s look at some specific ways that the Gospel resolves conflict:

1: The Gospel Brings About Mission-Focus

In v. 7-8 , we see that we are told exactly where to put our eyes:

(READ)

Think about it: if we are surrendered to Christ’s lordship, then we are praying “Thy will be done” which leaves little room for ‘My will be done”, right? If we are under His lordship, then we are not worried our pride or desires. It’s His kingdom and His mission.

We are His. We are the family of God- He is the head of the church. He is the head of every Christian man leading his home. What James is describing here (submit, resist, draw near, purify) is the act of repentance and obedience.

Turn to God, turn away from Satan. Draw near in fellowship with the Christ for it is in Him we find our strength! Cleanse your hands- make your actions that which is pleasing to the Lord and make your desires the desires of God and tell me you won’t have less conflict!

As a church, we have to understand what God has called us to. Every decision we make should support God’s mission for this body. Lack of clarity here invites conflict. We are not just a club who meet for the sake of meeting. We are not just an organization and a facility that exists to exist.

We are the bride and body of Christ! Called to a great work of reconciling the world to God by proclaiming and living out the Gospel of Jesus!

ILL: Do you ever notice that you can seem to have better relationships with people who are working with you on the same goal? When you are both using your unique gifts to accomplish a task or purpose?

When our mission teams are away - in Butler PA or wherever, we are focused on our mission and there is a sweet fellowship. Only when we forget what we are to be doing does conflict rear its head.

Mission focus minimizes conflict. That mission focus comes by understanding and applying the Gospel to our lives.

2. The Gospel Produces Humility and Grace

(READ 9-10)

If the source of conflict is our desire, then it makes sense that our humility- not thinking too highly of ourselves - will keep us from making our desires demands.

James is not telling his readers (9) to mope about feeling sorry for themselves- rather he is instructing them not to be prideful. He’s warning them that when we exalt ourselves, we are placing ourselves where only God belongs. He is the One Righteous and perfect God. But alongside this warning is the great promise: (READ v. 10)

Matthew 5:5 (NASB95)

5 “Blessed are the gentle (humble), for they shall inherit the earth.

This goes straight back to the Good News of Jesus Christ. Folks, God is a God that raises us from the dead! When we do things God’s way, he takes what was bad and makes it good. God can take the person you are in conflict with and turn you into the best of friends.

Why? God is a God who restores and reconciles! We get to come as broken vessels and He is the one who makes us new! We are changed by the Gospel.

We can fight so hard for something and miss everything. But if we just put our eyes on the cross… if we just come together as humble sinners who have been rescued and redeemed… When I recognize that I don’t have anything to offer, that Christ stood in my place to take the punishment I deserved and then give me the reward that He earned...Jesus paid it all!

How can I boast?

Likewise when we take our conflict to the throne of Christ, our pride and selfishness fades because we all deserve hell, but instead are offered grace.

Church, I am so heartbroken over the divisions we face. From crumbling marriages, depressed and anxious hearts, and yes, even conflicts surrounding finances and facilities of the church.

I can’t fix any of them. But we serve a God who reconciles and redeems.

This morning, if you are holding onto desires, demands, or idols- will you come and lay them down at the altar? Will you ask God to restore that which is broken? If you are a deacon or leader in this church, I am going to ask you to come and pray here with me.

[PRAY] [Deacons serving]

Instructions: Christian, baptized by immersion, no unconfessed sin, no unforgiveness

Let us acknowledge our sins, repent, and be reconciled.

Discuss: Where have your desires contributed to conflict?

Discuss: How does conflict distort our perception of reality?

Discuss: How does the Gospel speak to your conflict?