Christian Singleness in a Post-Family World

Introduction

Many within the church today are confused on the issue of marriage and singleness as evidenced by our rapidly declining marriage rates

Now, if you don’t think that fewer Christians getting married is a problem, then I would suggest that you also are evidence of our confusion regarding singleness.

This afternoon, I would like to dive into the issue of marriage and singleness in light of the negative world win which we live

What I want to communicate to you this afternoon is simply this,

Thesis: Marriage is normative for Christians and the vast majority of single Christians ought to actively pursue it while honoring God in their singleness

Kotkin

The modern age has not been kind to the institution of marriage

For a long while now societies around the world have sunk further and further into what demographer Joel Kotkin has termed, ‘Post-Familialism.’

He argues that as our world has urbanized and globalized and become less religious, so young people have increasingly moved away from seeing marriage and children as the inevitable choice, but rather as a suffocating burden to their individual freedom and economic success

Kotkin puts Japan forward as a preeminent example of post-familialism

The marriage rates in Japan have been abysmal for generations now resulting in fewer children and a significantly aged population

Since 1990, there have been more Japanese people over the age of 65 than under the age of 15

It is estimated that by 2050, the number of Japanese over the age of 80 will be greater than the number of Japanese under the age of 15

These stats inspired one finance minister to tell his nation that they needed to give the elderly the grace to “hurry up and die.”

There are simply not enough young productive citizens to take care of their aging population

More than 1 in 3 Japanese women will never marry or have children

They have a word to describe the fate of these women who will never marry, kodokushi “the lonely death.”

Post-familialism is suicide for society and misery for the individual

And it came to America’s shores a long time ago.

America’s Post-Familialism

Look at our sky high divorce rates, our plummeting marriage rates, our widespread adoption of same sex marriage and the presence of certain powerful organizations like BLM which have stated their desire to destroy to nuclear family

According to Pew Research, the percentage of American adults who are married dropped from 67% in 1990 to 53% in 2019

And now, in 2024, more than half of American adults are unmarried

Our marriage rates have been effectively halved since the 1960’s

According to another Pew study, only 39% of registered voters think that society is better off if people prioritize marriage and having a family.

That is an astounding statistic.

Marriage is essential to human flourishing and a cohesive society

“Marriage is civilization in embryonic and microcosmic form. It is civilization’s chief organizing principle, since society is nothing less and nothing more than the aggregate number of families that comprise it.” -Andrew Walker

In other words, no marriage, no society.

If our views of marriage and our practice of marriage is any indication, our society is in its death-throws

Pew Research 47% of adults say they will likely never have children. They just don’t want to

People are not getting married and it is a problem

Young women, enslaved to feminism, eschew marriage and children, wanting instead to travel the world, develop their careers, live promiscuous lives, and succeed on their own, because they don’t need men

Young men, sedated by video games, pornography, and the welfare state have no initiative to pursue marriage and are too cowardly to take on the responsibility of leading a family.

The result of post-familialism in America is that singleness has become the default mode of the American adult.

Marriage and family is no longer the norm, it is an extra burden with which one might choose to encumber himself.

With each successive year we are becoming increasingly post-familial

The Church

This has led to not a little confusion for unmarried people in the church

Many are unsure if marriage really is normative. If it is an inevitable choice

They’re stuck between their desire to be married and a hesitancy to elevate marriage as a particular good which should be pursued over singleness

Indeed, in many churches and Christian sub-cultures, singleness rather than marriage, has become the default mode for adults just as it is in secular society.

Out of a good desire to affirm and celebrate and dignify those who are unmarried in the church we have elevated singleness to a state of giftedness rather than a temporary station in life

Many Christian parents raise their children, intentionally not preparing them for marriage, because they do not believe their children should assume God has called them to marriage, thinking God is just as likely to call them to singleness as He is to call them to family life

Why train your daughters to be wives and mothers from a young if marriage is not a special blessing?

Why train your boys to be fathers and husbands if being a husband and father is not a unique good worthy of pursuit?

If we tell them they should build their lives around the pursuit of marriage, what are we saying about singleness? What are we saying about single Christians?

We feel that if we say marriage is a uniquely good thing and is ordinarily to be desired over being unmarried, we are denigrating those who are unmarried and dishonor the contributions of single Christians.

And that makes us feel bad, like we’re being judgy, like we’re discriminating, like we’re saying that married people are better or have greater value than single people.

We feel this way because we have been so thoroughly infected by the spirit of the age.

We, like the rest of our society, are overcome with a hyper-egalitarianism that disempowers us to make proper distinctions between people and status and callings.

To say that something is better than anything else feels really mean and discriminatory

But in most cases, and for the vast majority of people, marriage ought to be preferred over singleness. To say so is not mean, it does not devalue or dishonor single people.

To say so is merely to agree with the Creator who has said, “it is not good for man to be alone.”

God’s Normative Plan of Marriage

Marriage is normative, not only for Christians, but for the whole human race

Marriage is God’s plan for human beings.

It is not ultimate, it is not the glorified state. Marriage doesn’t solve all problems or grant eternal satisfaction or anything like that

And all the married people said amen

Yet, even so, God created man and woman to live together with one another in marriage, as two halves of a complementary whole.

It is not good that man should be alone

The first we see of this in scripture is in the first two chapters of Genesis

God created the light and said it was good, He created the waters and said they were good, He created the plants and said they were good, He created the Sun, Moon, and stars and said that they were good, He created the animals and said that they were good

God created man and said that He was good.

And then, seeing that man had no partner, He said, ‘it is not good’

Genesis 2:18 “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.””

Adam’s state as alone or unmarried was not wicked or sinful, sin had not yet entered the world.

But it was not god.

And so, God remedied the not-good, or incomplete state of singleness by providing a spouse for Adam, a helper fit for him, a spouse.

By nature, man and woman are created to be in married relationships

Bavinck goes so far as to say that the man alone is not yet the complete image of God

“As a man by himself, accordingly, neither was he yet the fully unfolded image of God. The creation of humankind in God’s image was only completed on the sixth day, when God created both man and woman in union with each other, in His image.” -Herman Bavinck

God gave the man and woman a calling and a purpose, to be fruitful and multiply, to fill the earth and to subdue it

To take dominion of the world God had given them.

This purpose was not meant to be fulfilled by one person, but by two together, husband and wife in marriage

The Dominion Mandate continues to this day and will continue until Christ comes again

It was not merely Adam who was given this task, it was given to all of mankind in Adam

And it was not merely a command God gave to us, it is who He created us to be by nature.

By nature we seek companionship, sexual intimacy, and offspring

And by nature, when we do not pursue these things, we suffer

Post-familialism has, and will continue to lead to suffering because it is contrary to God’s natural law

We were created for marriage and family and will feel a proper discontent as long as we do not fulfill that God-given purpose

Grace Does not Destroy Nature, But Perfects It

There are some who think that, now, in the New Covenant, our original calling and work as image bearers and the dominion mandate given to us in our father Adam have been abrogated

There is no longer any obligation to be married and have children because our spiritual family replaces our natural family

We ought no longer be concerned with building families but rather with making disciples

But the grace of God doesn’t destroy nature, it perfects it.

The New Covenant doesn’t do away with the natural family but redeems it, enabling it to fulfill its true purpose in glorifying God, producing godly offspring, and displaying to the World the mystery of the Gospel in marriage

Now that we are under grace, our natural inclination toward marriage is not destroyed, but rather it is transformed by that grace and our marriages are transformed

According to Paul in Ephesians 5, marriage for the Christian takes on wonderful new dimensions. It becomes the clearest statement of Christ’s love for His Bride the Church

Marriage is normative and healthy and beautiful and it is one way in which we can display the mystery of the gospel to ourselves, to the world, and to authorities and powers in the heavenly places.

Spiritual realities do not negate natural obligations. The grace of being adopted into God’s family does not abolish the goodness of building natural families

Scripture’s Teaching

Scripture tells us that, by nature, we were created for marriage.

Hebrews 13:4 “Let marriage be held in honor among all.”

Proverbs 18:22 “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.”

She who finds a husband finds a good thing.

The procuring of a spouse is here said to be a procurement of favor from the Lord

We should desire God’s blessings, we ought to seek the Lord’s favor

The scriptures are not unclear on the importance and the normativity of marriage

Singleness vs. Celibacy

But, this is not a talk on marriage, it is a talk on singleness

If marriage is so great, and if marriage is normative, what about singleness?

Is there any place for it? Are single people merely second class citizens in the kingdom of God and in society as a whole?

Furthermore, what about the gift of singleness that Paul talks about in 1Cor. 7?

How do we reconcile God’s Words in Genesis 2 with Paul’s words in 1 Cor. 7?

In Gen. 2 God says that it is not good to be alone.

In 1Cor. 7 Paul says it is good for Christians to remain single, as he is.

Who is right? Paul or God?

Of course this is a false dichotomy

Let’s look at what God says through the words of Paul

Paul’s “Gift” of Singleness

1 Corinthians 7:6–9 “Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

It seems as though Paul is saying that singleness is a better state and a better gift, but if one cannot control their sexual impulses, then that one should do the next best thing and marry.

But this is not what he is saying. He is not elevating singleness over marriage as a better calling

In fact, Paul is not speaking of a gift of singleness. The word “single” in v. 8 does not even appear in the original Greek

Paul is speaking of the gift of celibacy.

The NT scholar, Gordon Fee says,

“For him (Paul) both marriage and celibacy are gifts, and despite his own preference for his gift, he certainly does not raise it to a higher spirituality” -Gordon Fee

Celibacy

Celibacy is a rare gift that God has given to a few extraordinary Christians

It is giving oneself over to a life without marriage or children and it is accompanied by the ability to keep oneself from sinful sexual desire and behavior for the sake of more rigorous kingdom work

Celibacy is the gift of not being affected by the intense natural desires for sexual intimacy, companionship, and children which are met in marriage

Jesus refers to this gift as being a eunuch for the kingdom.

Matthew 19:11–12 “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.””

Not literal Eunuchs, but those who are permanently committed to the unmarried state

Origin?

Jesus says that not everyone can receive this saying, implying that it is a relatively rare thing

I have only ever known one person with this gift and she has been of great service to the kingdom

Augustine, John Stott, Amy Carmichael, our Lord Himself

The desire for marriage is a good thing and it is the way God has naturally made us

And so when we do not have those desires at all but are rather overcome with a desire to serve the kingdom of God as if a eunuch, we should recognize that it is not a natural thing, but rather a supernatural thing.

It is a spiritual gift.

Marriage or Celibacy

Not every person who is single has the gift of celibacy, most do not.

Every person is single at some point in their lives

But we confuse ourselves when we conflate our status in life with a particular calling or gift from God

Therefore, single people who intentionally pursue a life of celibacy without being called by God to do so do great harm to themselves and great dishonor to the Lord.

“This means that all those who abstain from marriage without being called to do so by the Lord are not thereby made more free of worldly affairs and attached more devotedly and freely to Christ the Lord, but rather sink even more into worldly affairs and are estranged from Christ the Lord.” -Martin Bucer

The End of Human Sexuality

The goal, end, or telos of sexuality is to unite two human beings of the opposite sex together in will, in body, in mission, and in affection in a complementarian way, the product of which is children.

In other words, sexuality is meant to drive one to marriage and to drive those married to each other.

Unless the Lord supernaturally grants the ability to suspend sexual desires, the single Christian ought to be intentional about finding a suitable spouse

If you are single and have a desire for marriage, and if you have not been disqualified from marriage by adultery, you should be actively pursuing a spouse

You should be seeking the goal and purpose of the good sexuality which God has given you

To strongly desire such a thing is not idolizing marriage, contrary to what The Gospel Coalition may tell you

Desire it, pursue it.

If you’re not good at pursuing it, ask brothers or sisters to help you get better at it.

Improve your pick up lines, workout, cultivate your beauty, embody a gentle and quiet spirit, learn how to talk to a girl without being awkward

The Opportunity of Singles

The question is, what do I do in my singleness?

There is a point to singleness

Your life doesn’t begin after you say your vows. God has given you life now, Do not waste your valuable single years.

The Blessings of the Unmarried State

There is much that the Lord teaches us in our singleness

Young single people are able to mature until they are ready to be the kind of person who is suitable for marriage.

I often wish I had married earlier. I would have had more years with my beautiful wife.

But God in His mercy certainly spared my wife a lot of trouble by letting me mature before we got married.

Praise God He gives us a period to mature in adolescence and early adulthood so that we are less of a terror to our spouses when we do get married.

The single person does not deal with the hardships of marriage

1 Cor. 7:28 Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that.

1 Corinthians 7:32–35 “I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided.”

We do no one any good by romanticizing marriage as though it does not bring with it unique, and sometimes severe challenges

It is not,……, without good reason that he returns so often to praising the benefits of celibacy, for he saw that the burdens of marriage are far from light. Persons who are able to exempt themselves from these burdens should not overlook such a blessing. And it is helpful for those who resolve to get married to be forewarned concerning those troubles, so that afterward, when they experience them unexpectedly, they will not become depressed. -John Calvin

Married an angel

There are anxieties and difficulties and complications which arise from marriage.

Emotional weight, financial difficulty, regularly being sinned against by a person who is so closely united to you.

Sometimes marriages can really go off the rails and become toxic and abusive and damaging.

Unmarried people ought to consider the fact that they are free from those types of concerns.

And they ought to use the blessing of that freedom to be “anxious about the things of the Lord.”

The apostle does not want to condemn the married estate on this account. For he does not say that a married man is anxious only about the affairs of this world, or is separated from God. He says only that he is divided and is anxious about many affairs and cannot constantly pray or attend to the Word of God; although his work and care are good, still it is much better to be free to pray and attend to God’s Word. In so doing the unmarried person is of much use and comfort to many people, yes, to all of Christendom… But our monastics, who neither pray nor learn God’s Word but torture themselves with the regulations of men and murmur and howl in the choir, they would do better to tend pigs as married people. -Martin Luther

The Freedom of Singles

Single Christians are to put these freedoms to good use and not waste them on their own selfish pursuits

Prayer

Human beings are finite people and can only pray so many words in a day.

A married woman rightly spends a large portion of her prayer life praying for her husband or her children, or her grandchildren

Furthermore, a married woman naturally has less time for focused prayer in general because she has many “worldly” duties to attend to.

Make breakfast, do laundry, keep the house, help her husband, train and educate her children, work outside the home, feed the chickens.

Unmarried people have more time. They don’t have the same type of “worldly” duties as married people, and their prayers are not as directed toward those under their direct care, so their prayers can be more frequent, more broad, and more deep.

Singles, you ought to be using your freedom and time to pray for your brothers and sisters

Kingdom Work

Furthermore, unmarried people have more freedom with their time in general.

I often joke that whenever I leave the church office, I’m going to clock in for my second shift.

This is because married people and parents have a lot of familial work to do in the home.

But single people clock out and their time is their own.

Or rather, it is a gift from God which they are to steward.

And with that extra time, single people should be seeking to serve Christ in His kingdom

If your work 60 hours per week, and you sleep 8 hours per night, you still have 52 hours per week of free time

What do you spend that time on?

Prayer, meditation, discipleship, evangelism, missions, study, works of mercy in serving your brothers and sisters or serving the community

As you spend your lavish amount of spare time laboring in the kingdom, you are storing up for yourself treasures in heaven.

Matthew 6:33 “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

Matthew 6:19–20 ““Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.”

Use those single years which can feel so hard to invest in heavenly treasures

Generosity

You have more freedom to be generous

Unmarried people typically have more disposable income than married people with children

This too is a way singleness is a blessing. You have more to give to your church and to the work of missions and to other worthy endeavors.

Don’t waste your material resources by hoarding them for yourself

Steward your Singleness

Do not waste it. Put it to use for God’s kingdom, all the while pursuing the good gift of marriage.

Living in Contentment

I know that I spent the first part of this talk trying to convince you that most single people should want to get married and that they should pursue marriage over singleness

But if you’re single, and you’re in this room, you probably don’t need convincing

You don’t like being single, you want to be married, you find it hard to be content in your singleness

This is because you feel deeply the truth that singleness is suffering

Singleness is suffering

You agree with the God who has said, “it is not good that man should be alone.”

But for some reason, God in His providence has seen fit not to give you a spouse while still giving you the desire for a spouse

The Pain of Loneliness

The longer the desire for marriage goes unmet, the more deeply you feel the pain of loneliness

The inability to have intimacy with another person and share everything with them

You feel the “not goodness” of being alone. A deep feeling of incompleteness

Especially those who grow old and are never married.

To grow old with no spouse, no children, no grandchildren, is a dreadfully painful experience

And although the church can greatly alleviate that pain of loneliness, it was never designed to be the cure for it

Kodokushi, The Lonely Death is a terrifying specter that lurks in the mind of every single person over 40

Feelings of Inadequacy

Besides loneliness, single Christians feel a sense of inadequacy

They feel unwanted, or even worthless

They think, “perhaps I’m single because no one thinks I’m beautiful, or witty, or enjoyable to be around, or able to provide

Maybe I’m obnoxious and awkward and ugly, Maybe I am unworthy of anyone’s affections”

If you do feel this way, simply meditate on the immense love that the Father has for you in Jesus Christ

A far greater love than any husband or wife could give you. An affection which no spouse could feel and which you could feel for no spouse.

You are not worthless, you are not unloved, you have been given immeasurable worth in Christ, and you are loved with an infinite love, in Him

Christ has Borne our Griefs

Single sister, single brother, Give that pain to the Lord. allow Him to unburden you of that sorrow

Brothers, sisters,

English Standard Version Chapter 53

Surely he has borne our griefs

and carried our sorrows

You can live as a single Christian in hope and joy, in the midst of your sorrow because He has carried your sorrows

And you can look to the day, when He returns, when all things will be made new

When none of us will be married or given in marriage because we will see Jesus Christ, our bridegroom, face to face

He will wipe every tear from our eyes and grant us the unalloyed joy and blessing of eternal life in Him

In your suffering, remember the pain of your singleness is as temporary as the blessing of marriage that you so desire