Pursuing Forgiveness

Recap

Forgiveness is a vital part of Christianity. We are forgiven people, and we are commanded to be forgiving people. But what does forgiveness look like? While there are various models people come up with, we are called to follow God’s example.

Ephesians 4:32 (ESV)

32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Colossians 3:13 (ESV)

13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

If we are to forgive as the Lord forgives, then we must consider how and why God forgives. In our first lesson, we considered these things, -

Proactively extends forgiveness

Is abundantly merciful

Does not forgive unconditionally

Forgives in order to bless us

Forgives in order to restore and reconcile us to Himself

In our second lesson, we considered that there are important ways in which we are not like God—limitations that we need to account for in seeking to forgive like Him. We noted that we are not (1) Sinless, (2) All-Knowing, or (3) All-Powerful. These must be considered. But these limitations do not keep us from following God’s example. Despite our limitations, we can pursue forgiveness for the same reason as God—to restore and reconcile.

Thus, when we ended last time, we summarized Biblical, godly forgiveness as “Relational Forgiveness.” While some argue that forgiveness is unconditional and unilateral, others argue it is conditional and transactional. It’s not so much that these views are incorrect, but they are incomplete. They focus on a part of the journey instead of the destination. So, while we don’t want to limit forgiveness to these aspects, we also don’t want to discount them. They play a role in our path towards forgiveness. And so in this lesson, we will pick up where we left off and consider the Pursuit of Forgiveness.

Pursuing Forgiveness

Forgiveness, restoration, and reconciliation don’t often happen quickly, and they certainly don’t happen easily. The journey toward restoration is a difficult one, and thus we should be prepared for every aspect of that journey. As we’ve discussed, many argue for unconditional and unilateral forgiveness. We’ve considered why that is not an accurate description or model for forgiveness, but it is a good starting point. When we have been wronged, our journey towards forgiving our wrongdoer begins with the development of a readiness to forgive. As we will see, this part of the journey is inward (unilateral) and unconditional. But the journey doesn’t end there. As we develop the readiness to forgive, we must then pursue forgiveness. This happens as we extend the opportunity to forgive. This is the “go” aspect of Matthew 18:15 where Jesus commands that if our brother sins against us we must “go and tell him his fault…” Hopefully, the wrongdoer responds positively to this extension, repents, and then the conditions can be met so that the transaction of forgiveness can occur, the sinner can be restored, and reconciliation can begin and hopefully thrive. Let’s consider these steps along the journey with a bit more attention.

Readiness to Forgive

Forgiveness is not an inward, personal thing. It is outward and relational. But that doesn’t mean there won’t need to be some inward, personal work in order for forgiveness to take place. There is some preparation we will need to do. Especially as imperfect people, we will need to condition our hearts to be ready to pursue and extend forgiveness when we have been hurt and wronged.

Choose Against Bitterness & Malice

When we are sinned against, we must determine we will not allow ourselves to descend into sin as a response. When someone sins against us, it hurts, and that hurt is real and legitimate. Sometimes, sins may be slight. Other times, sins may be very painful. I am not suggesting that we overlook such pain or pretend that the pain and hurt isn’t real. It is real. But that doesn’t mean that we should allow ourselves to be consumed and controlled by the pain inflicted upon us. As we follow Christ, we learn to pursue what is right and holy, even while suffering. Jesus is the perfect example of this

1 Peter 3:18 (ESV)

18 For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive in the spirit,

We don’t have to ignore pain when we are wronged, and when we help others who have been hurt, we should not gloss over or dismiss their pain. But neither should we use suffering as an excuse to ignore Scripture or to commit sin. We pursue forgiveness in spite of the hurt we have suffered!

What this means practically is that we must choose to not let pain turn to bitterness, and we will not let anger turn into malice. When someone wrongs us, our tendency is to hold on to and continue to dwell on that wrong, and to grow more and more bitter towards the wrongdoer. But this path, as natural as it is, is ungodly. Without excusing sin, we must battle against bitterness and malice in our own heart. As we’ve read in each lesson, Ephesians 4:32 calls us to forgive one another as God has forgiven us. Right before that verse Paul writes this:

Ephesians 4:31 ESV

31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Something that is bitter is unpleasant. Bitterness occurs when we allow our pain to move us towards animosity, resentment, and harshness. When we are hurting, we must do some serious soul-searching and heart-inspection. Our pain may be real, our anger may even be legitimate, but are we giving way to animosity? Are we resorting to harshness? Are we allowing bitterness to take root? If we are going to truly forgive (as we are commanded to do), we must deal with our own bitterness. We must refuse, as difficult as it may be, to let the pain we have suffered twist us into bitter people.

Along with thwarting bitterness, we must control our anger. Anger is not categorically sinful. In fact, when we are sinned against or when we see others sinned against, it may be right to be angry. The Bible makes it clear that God is angry with sinners.

Psalm 7:11 NKJV

11 God is a just judge, And God is angry with the wicked every day.

There are multiple times in Jesus’ life when He was angry at sin. In Ephesians 4:26, Paul doesn’t say we should never be angry, but he says we should “Be angry and do not sin…” Injustice should anger us. Sin should anger us. If your spouse commits adultery, you should be angry. When someone steals or defrauds you or others, that is angering. When people oppress, abuse, and hurt others, we are right to be angry. But we must also be cautious. Our anger must be towards the sin. And our anger should motivate us to pursue righteousness, not more evil. God is angry with sin, but as we’ve studied, His first step is towards mercy, towards extending forgiveness, and towards reconciliation. Often, our anger moves us immediately towards judgment and retribution. While we may be angry about sin, we cannot let that anger turn into unrighteous wrath and malice.

The term “malice” that appears in Ephesians 4:31 is rendered in other passages as “wickedness” or “evil.” One simple definition of this word is “hateful feeling.” If we are not careful, what begins as righteous indignation may devolve into evil and wicked malice. This is one reason why pursuing forgiveness is so important. When we refuse to follow the Lord’s example, hold sinners accountable, and pursue restoration, we are much more likely to allow bitterness to take hold and to descend into hatred and malice.

Avoiding bitterness and malice takes serious and sincere introspection. When we are hurt, we can easily justify sinful feelings. We may feel entitled to bitterness and hatred. We might disguise bitterness and malice as righteous indignation and a pursuit of justice. But is that true? Is our anger righteous, or has it descended into malice? Are we pursuing mercy, or are we bitter and resentful?

Avoiding bitterness and malice will not be easy, especially if we have been wronged severely. It will take conscious and ongoing effort. It will require introspection and prayer. And it is something we will likely battle with again and again. Feelings of resentment and bitterness may pop up again and again—maybe even long after we’ve forgiven someone.

Example: Imagine a husband commits adultery. He may truly and sincerely repent, his wife may forgive him, and they may remain married and their relationship may be restored and even grow. Even after reconciliation, the wife may have struggles with bitterness and resentment. Even years later, there may be temptation to yield to bitterness. But she can choose to not yield, and instead continue to pursue love and peace.

We must learn to identify feelings that will lead to or have already become bitter, resentful, hateful, and malicious. We must battle these and choose instead the way of love.

Choose Love

Even before our offender repents (or if they never do) we can choose love instead of hatred. It is important to remember that biblical love is not merely an emotion—it is a choice. We may always struggle to feel emotions of fondness and closeness towards certain people, especially if they have hurt us. But we can always choose to treat them the right way. This is the love commanded of us. This is what Jesus means when He commands that we “love our enemies.” Even before an offender is confronted; before they repent; before there is reconciliation, we can do good to them, bless them, and pray for them (cf. Luke 6:27-28).

Overcoming bitterness and malice, and choosing to treat offenders with godly love are things we are commanded to do whatever our situation. These concepts truly are unconditional, and they are unilateral—that is, they are things we must focus on ourselves, regardless of the other person’s behavior.

As we work on these things—as we discipline ourselves to be guided by God’s will instead of our emotions, then not only do we do what is right, but we begin the journey towards forgiveness, and we can begin pursuing forgiveness.

It might be important to realize that, sometimes, this beginning process will take some time. Wrestling with deep hurts and powerful emotions is not something that can happen in an instant. We may need to take some time to focus on our own need to overcome struggles before we begin pursuing our offender. It may take us some time to process our pain, compose ourselves, rid ourselves of harmful feelings, and ready ourselves to pursue forgiveness. This process will take meditation on God’s Word, prayer, and maybe even guidance and counsel. These things should not be rushed. But neither should we expect to put off the pursuit of forgiveness indefinitely. While we may need some time, we must also be working toward the goal of seeking forgiveness. We need to remind ourselves of this. And if we are helping someone who has been sinned against, we must lovingly remind them of that goal as well.

Extension of Opportunity

Ideally, if someone sins against us, they will willingly and proactively repent and acknowledge their wrongdoing. This doesn’t always happen, however. As we’ve seen in previous studies, even though we might be the innocent victim, that doesn’t recuse us from a responsibility towards our wrongdoer. If they have not proactively repented, then it is our responsibility to confront them. Let’s remember what Jesus instructs:

Matthew 18:15 ESV

15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.

Luke 17:3 ESV

3 Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him,

Jesus gives us the general, guiding principal to confronting wrongdoers. There might be special circumstances from time to time that require us to think through this process a bit more carefully (e.g. examples of violence and abuse). But this is the general principle we can and should try to follow:

If our offender has not come to us to make things right, we should go to them. Like God, we should be willing to take the first step even when we are innocent and have been sinned against.

We explain the fault and rebuke wrongdoing. This is not about getting even, and is not meant as an outlet for our rage. This is meant as a means of making clear to the offender what they have done and why it is wrong. Maybe they didn’t realize they wronged us. Or maybe they do, but have been too ashamed to do anything about it. Or maybe they just need to be rebuked and reminded of their wrongdoing and called to repentance. Whatever the case, we explain the fault and rebuke sin.

We seek repentance. As we explain the fault and rebuke the sin, we should remember and make clear the purpose is to secure their repentance. Again, it’s not just about hurting them in turn. It’s meant to move them to repent of their wrongdoing so that we can move towards restoration. The goal is to be able to forgive and gain our brother.

Hopefully, when we go to our offender, it moves them to repentance. If so, then we are able to take the next step in our pursuit of forgiveness.

Forgiveness, Restoration, & Reconciliation

When we confront someone for sinning against us and we rebuke them, our hope and goal is that they repent. But what does this look like? What should we expect? Well, let’s consider repentance.

To “repent” represents a wide range of mentality and action. We can simplify the concept down to this: To repent is to change one’s mind, feel remorse, stop committing the wrong, and to make a change of practice. This is what we do when we repent before God, and it is what we should do when we repent to one another. We should recognize our wrong, and admit or confess our wrong. If an individual is unwilling to admit wrongdoing, can they actually repent? No. Thus, there should be an acknowledgment of wrongdoing. Remorse over the wrongdoing should be expressed in an apology. (We must be careful about trying to determine if the offender is “remorseful enough.” Remember we are not all-knowing, and don’t know hearts). If the wrong is something that is ongoing, it must stop. (e.g., if a spouse is committing adultery, they must stop. If a person is gossiping, they must quit spreading slander). And as they cease their wrongdoing, they should instead seek to do good. This may not be an immediate action—the fruits of repentance often take considerable time to be visible. But they should change their ways.

Restitution

If possible, when we are the wrong-doer, we should also do what we can to make restitution. In Leviticus 6, the Law of Moses required that when someone stole from or oppressed their neighbor, they were to restore what they took and add a fifth to it. So, if you stole $100, you would give the victim their $100 back, and you’d give them an extra $20. We are not under the Law of Moses, but if we can, we should do everything possible as the wrong-doer to make restitution. If we’ve stolen, we give back. If we’ve lied, we tell the truth. If we’ve slandered, we go back and try to clear up the slander.

As the offended party, we must be cautious when it comes to expecting restitution. First, there are times when restitution cannot be made. Not all sins are akin to stealing money, and thus might not be able to be “restored.” When a spouse has an affair, they can stop the affair and recommit themselves to their spouse, but there’s not matter of restitution that can be made—there’s no way of truly undoing what has been done. Further, if we are following God’s example, then our true aim is for restoration and reconciliation, not simply restitution of what was lost or hurt. It may be that we forego restitution. When Paul addressed the Corinthians about lawsuits they were bringing against one another, he said this:

1 Corinthians 6:7–8 ESV

7 To have lawsuits at all with one another is already a defeat for you. Why not rather suffer wrong? Why not rather be defrauded? 8 But you yourselves wrong and defraud—even your own brothers!

In the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant (Mt. 18:21-35), Jesus portrays a man in massive financial debt, yet his master forgave the debt—that is he wiped it out without requiring restitution. When the man then refused to be patient with a fellow servant (who owed him much less) he was condemned for his lack of mercy. The point is this—while we should always be willing to make restitution to the best of our ability when we are the wrong-doer, we should not withhold forgiveness as the one who is wronged on grounds of restitution. Sometimes, restitution cannot be made, but we can still forgive. Other times, it will be best for us to be merciful, and to let go of (to forgive) our right to restitution so that restoration and reconciliation can be achieved.

Forgiveness

When our wrongdoer acknowledges/confesses their guilt, expresses their remorse, and repents (asking us for forgiveness), then we forgive them. This means that we pardon them—we no longer hold them as guilty. Their actions are not undoable, but we no longer hold them guilty.

Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament based on Semantic Domains 40.8 ἀφίημι; ἄφεσις, εως; ἀπολύω

It is extremely important to note that the focus in the meanings of ἀφίημιf, ἄφεσιςa, and ἀπολύωe is upon the guilt of the wrongdoer and not upon the wrongdoing itself. The event of wrongdoing is not undone, but the guilt resulting from such an event is pardoned. To forgive, therefore, means essentially to remove the guilt resulting from wrongdoing.

Some languages make a clear distinction between guilt and sin, and terms for forgiveness are therefore related to guilt and not to the wrongdoing. Therefore, ‘to forgive sins’ is literally ‘to forgive guilt.’ Though terms for ‘forgiveness’ are often literally ‘to wipe out,’ ‘to blot out,’ or ‘to do away with,’ it is obviously not possible to blot out or to wipe out an event, but it is possible to remove or obliterate the guilt.

The idea of forgiveness is that while the past cannot be undone, we can move forward with a future that is not bound to the past. This is, essentially, what God has done for us. When we are forgiven, our past is still real. The sins we committed were still committed. But we are not longer considered guilty. We have been pardoned, and thus released from the guilt of that sin. Because we have been pardoned, then we have a hope of a restored relationship with God and a future that is based on His pardon, not our guilt. And so it is between humans. The wrong has been committed, and that can’t be changed. But when our wrongdoer repents, we forgive, meaning we let them know that we plan to move forward and base our relationship on their pardon, not their guilt.

When we make that determination and extend forgiveness, then we can restore our brother or sister. That is, we restore the relationship as best we can. What does this look like? Well, what was the relationship before the wrongdoing? We do our best to get back to that—to restore what was broken. As with other issues, we need to realize this may take time and patience. Just like building a relationship takes time, fully restoring a relationship takes time as well. But to forgive is to place ourselves on the path of restoration.

When the wrongdoer repents and we forgive, the transaction of forgiveness is complete, and the work of growth in a reconciled relationship begins.

Conclusion: What Journey Will We Take?

We want God’s mercy. We want God’s forgiveness. We want a future with God. But we must also be willing to show mercy to others; to forgive others; to reconcile with others and move into a future of pardon and forgiveness instead of resentment, guilt, and anger. We cannot be satisfied with superficial actions and attitudes that don’t actually move us towards restoration. And we cannot be unwilling to forgive and restore. Forgiveness is a journey, and it will be challenging, and it will take time and patience, and will likely involve sacrifice and certainly require humility. But the journey of true, Biblical, relational forgiveness is the only way.

Not only is this essential for our own spiritual welfare, but following God’s plan for forgiveness helps protect the church against Satan’s attacks. Satan is always trying to get us to take the broad way that feels easier but leads to destruction, and that is true of forgiveness. Let’s finish with Paul’s words to the Corinthians in 2 Corinthians 2:5-11. Remember that in 1 Corinthians Paul commanded the congregation to withdrawal from the brother who was living in immorality. Apparently he had not listened to rebuke up to that point, and persisted in his sin. By the time Paul wrote his second letter, it appears the man had repented and changed. And here is Paul’s admonition to the congregation:

2 Corinthians 2:5–11 ESV

5 Now if anyone has caused pain, he has caused it not to me, but in some measure—not to put it too severely—to all of you. 6 For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough, 7 so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. 8 So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him. 9 For this is why I wrote, that I might test you and know whether you are obedient in everything. 10 Anyone whom you forgive, I also forgive. Indeed, what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been for your sake in the presence of Christ, 11 so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs.

This isn’t easy language. He was the wrongdoer, yet after being forgiven, he was to be comforted. He had been guilty, but the Corinthians were to reaffirm their love for him. This man had repented, and now it was time for him to be forgiven and restored. There was to be a future. And note Paul’s warning—if they do not forgive and restore this brother, it opens the door to Satan’s attacks. We quote verse 11 quite frequently, teaching that we should not be unaware or ignorant of Satan’s tactics. And yet so often we overlook the very context this passage is written in. That warning comes in a passage about forgiving others. Satan is the great accuser, the accuser of the brethren. And when we refuse to pursue forgiveness and restoration; when we allow relationships among the Lord’s people to remain broken and destroyed; when we refuse a future of pardon and love and cling to the hurts of the past, then we are falling prey to the designs of Satan, and we will surely suffer for it, and the church might also.

So what will we choose? Will we yield to the designs of Satan, or will we follow the Lord’s example and relentlessly pursue forgiveness and restored relationships? If we will traverse the difficult road of relational forgiveness, there will be challenges and hardships. But along that road lies a bright and beautiful future of reconciliation, peace, and love.