What a Child Really Needs (Proverbs 22:6, 15)

Introduction

Several years ago when Cindy and I were in youth ministry, we invited a Christian family counselor to meet with our youth parents. This little mini-retreat for parents was designed for them to tackle challenges that all parents face with their teenaged sons and daughters. During one of our Q&A periods, one mother asked, “Why is it that my son never takes “no” for an answer? I’ll not forget his response: “Probably because the answer is never really no.” He went on to say that many parents will say “no” at first, but children learn quickly to negotiate the answer until they finally get what they want. According to this well-experienced Christian counselor, one of the most common mistakes parents make is trying to be their children’s buddy. They rarely let no be the final answer, and trying to win the friendship of their children, they give them everything they ask for, and more. Good parents love and provide for their children, but we are not their buddies. We are God’s represemtatives of his authority and rule.

The Houston Police Department recently published “Twelve Rules for Raising Delinquent Children.”

Beginning with infancy, give the child everything they want. In this way they will grow up to believe the world owes them a living.

When they pick up bad words, laught at them. This will make them think they’re cute. It will also encourage them to pick up “cuter phrases” that will blow your mind.

Never give them spiritual training. Wait until they’re 21, and then let them “decide for themselves.”

Avoid the use of the word wrong. It might develop a guilt complex. This will condition them to believe later, when they are arrested for stealing a car, that society is against them and they are being persecuted.

Pick up everything lying around – books, shoes, clothing. Do everything for them so that they will be experienced in throwing all responsibility on to others.

Let them read any printed matterial they can get their hands on. Don’t monitor what they read or what Web sites they visit. Be careful that the silverware and drinking glasses are clean, but don’t worry about their mind feasting on garbage.

Quarrel frequently in the presence of your children. In this way they will not be too shocked when the home is broken up later.

Give the child all the spending money they want. Never let them earn anything. Why should they have things as tough as you did when you were a kid?

Satisfy every craving for food, drink, and comfort. See that every sensul desire is gratified. Denial may lead to harmful frustration.

Take their side against neighbors, teachers, and policemen. They are all prejudiced against your child.

When they get into trouble, apologize to yourself by saying, “I never could do anything with that child!”

Prepare yourself for a life of grief. You’ll surely have it.

Take note that those twelve rules were not from a counselor or a church, but from a police department. They have much experience with delinquent children.

We’re going to interpret Proverbs 22:6 into our ministry with children in a few moments, but first let’s read Proverbs 22:15 again: “Foolishness is bound to the heart of a youth; a rod of discipline will separate it from him.”

That is a hard saying. I doubt there’s a parent anywhere who will take that first glimpse of their newborn baby and think: “foolishness is bound to her heart.” And we shouldn’t, by the way; that would be cruel, right? No, we would never do that. We see those sweet, innocent little babies and start talking weird language and making strange faces and post five dozen pictures of them on FaceBook because they are beautiful. But sooner or later, the reality of the sin nature of all humankind raises its ugly head. By the time they’re, say 15 or 16, we realize that the Proverb is sadly correct. Unfortunately, if we haven’t realized it sooner, it may be too late.

Physicians, counselors, educators and other professionals state that a child’s disposition, personality, and temperament are all well-established by the age of 8 years old. And because every one of us is born with a sin nature, it is absolutely necessary to take seriously what these two Proverbs teach us. Children need boundaries, guidance, discipline, and a godly example. Without these necessary building blocks to a child’s development, the foolishness bound in their hearts will unravel in sinful, self-destructive behavior.

To those of us who are struggling right now with prodigal teen or adult children, I will offer some hope later. So hang with me for a while longer. First, let’s go back to verse 6 and talk about those necessary building blocks to get children started on a godly way of life.

Proverbs 22:6 is both a promise and a warning

It is a promise in that our parenting sets a course for our children’s lives. Those twelve rules that we visited earlier are examples of the kind of parenting that sets a child on a wreckless and rebellious path. That counselor who spoke to the parents years ago also explained that most adult problems he deals with in the counseling office are the results of attitudes, behaviors, and other issues that were never addressed or corrected during childhood.

On the other side of the coin is the kind of godly parenting that sets a child on a godly, mature, and responsible path. A few days ago, Cindy and I watched an interview of Dr. Ben Carson by Tucker Carlson. Toward the end of the interview, Tucker asked Dr. Carson about his sons: what they’re doing in life, are they successful, etc. All three of Dr. Carson’s sons are not only highly intelligent, responsible and successful, they are deeply spiritual, committed to Jesus Christ. Tucker asked him how did you do that? How did you raise such fine sons?

“God was always the center of our family life,” he resonded. He went on to explain how they read the Bible together, prayed together, worshiped and served in their church together, and always searched God’s Word for guidance, for answers to hard questions, and making important decisions. “From the very beginning, we always pointed our sons to Jesus,” he explained.

That is beautiful.

So there is a wonderful promise here. Training and teaching our children in godliness gets them started well in life. It builds the quality of character that prepares them for life. It wrangles with the natural foolishness that is bound up in every person’s heart when they come into the world. It sets them on a course of life that will stay with them until they die.

Yet, as I said, Proverbs 22:6 is also a warning. If we neglect to point our children to Jesus; if we neglect to correct and discipline foolish behavior; if we neglect to model love for Jesus and his church; if we spare the rod, we will not only spoil the child, but we will also set them on a course of life that will likely be rebellious and wreckless, at least spiritually.

Here are the building blocks that children need:

Children need discipline

Proverbs 22:15 instructs us that a child needs “a rod of discipline” to separate them from the foolishness that is bound up in their hearts. Now that sounds terrifying to our ears. Words like “child abuse” come to mind. I don’t think – no, I know – that God’s Word never invites, instructs or condones child abuse. The verse is not commanding us to beat the devil out of our children. Although, I will admit that a few swats on my backside when I was a child were pretty effective in correcting my own foolishness. Some say today that a parent should never strike a child. Others consider light spankings as appropriate measures to correct bad behavior. However, rather than debating corporal punishment right now, I think it’s best to consider what this verse is actually instructing us.

The rod was a metaphor for correction. While it might refer to physical punishment, it’s primary focus is the need for strong and consistent discipline in the life of a child. This brings us to the second building block.

Children need consistent boundaries.

Why?

Because children need kind, loving boundaries to feel safe and secure.

Because a child’s brain is not fully developed. They lack intuition that comes from experience, and abstract thinking that is required for healthy living in a free environment.

Because boundaries and limits help a child develop a solid sense of self.

Because children learn from struggle.

How?

Have clear rules.

Be firm and consistent.

Follow through with the consequences.

Communicate your expectations.

Set a good example by living with adult-appropriate boundaries.

Children need guidance.

The word start in verse 6 is translated “train” in some versions of the Bible. Depending on the context, the word can also mean “dedicate”, sometimes “to give experience.” One interesting use of the word is in the context of training horses. This use refers to putting a bridle on the horse to lead the horse and bring it to submission. That’s interesting.

I’m not saying we should put bridles around our kids’ heads, but I am saying that, like a young colt, children need to be led, guided, made submissive to their parents’ authority. If a child cannot learn to submit to their parents’ authority, they will struggle with authority the rest of their lives, including God’s authority. Godly guidance promotes their self-control, accountability, and encourages thoughtful choices. How do we do this?

Make your home a classroom for godliness. Deuteronomy 6:4–8 “Listen, Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” The phrase “repeat them” in verse 7 refers to rehearsing God’s Word in a variety of circumstances and situations so that God’s Word is impressed upon their minds and shapes their character. We must teach our children God’s Word: how to read it, how to memorize it, how to study it, and how to obey it. God’s Word will teach them respect, responsibility, accountability, integrity, wisdom, and every trait they will need for the rest of their lives. And this should begin the moment you bring your baby home.

Take your children to church. Hebrews 10:25 “not neglecting to gather together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging each other, and all the more as you see the day approaching.” But don’t just take them to church, model for them a commitment to Christ’s church. They need to see you worshiping and serving in your church. You shouldn’t expect your child to become a responsible church member when they are adults if you are not one yourself. Church teaches God’s Word. Church provides a loving and supporting community for your family. Church provides your child opportunities to learn how to help others. Taking your child to church builds a spiritual habit that is crucial for spiritual maturity throughout life. Statistics show that families who attend and serve in the church together are far more likely to remain a healthy, loving family.

Teach your child to fear God. Proverbs 9:10–12 “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. For by me your days will be many, and years will be added to your life. If you are wise, you are wise for your own benefit; if you mock, you alone will bear the consequences.” By fear, the Proverb doesn’t mean being afraid of God. Fear here is having a healthy respect for God. It is understanding that He is not only the creator of all life but the soverereing ruler as well. His rule in our lives is kind and loving, but he also has set a standard by which we can experience his love. Children need to know that sin separates us from the love of God. And they also need to know that though we are sinful, God demonstrated his love for us by sending his only Son to die for our sins. Fearing God means that we humble ourselves before him, acknowledge and repent of our sin, and trust in Jesus for the salvation that we desperately need. A lack of fear for God leads to heartbreak in life, but worse, eternal separation from him.

Lead your child to discover their God-written purpose. I am a firm believer that God has a plan and purpose for every child born. This is reported in Scripture. Jeremiah 1:5 “I chose you before I formed you in the womb; I set you apart before you were born. I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” Psalm 139:13–16 “For it was you who created my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will praise you because I have been remarkably and wondrously made. Your works are wondrous, and I know this very well. My bones were not hidden from you when I was made in secret, when I was formed in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw me when I was formless; all my days were written in your book and planned before a single one of them began.” Every child is remarkably and wonderfully made by God and for God. He has written a story for every person conceived in a mother’s womb. That is why we are opposed to abortion, by the way. How can we guide our children to discover God’s story for their lives? Here are some suggestions for how to help your kids seek and follow God's plan for their lives.

Teach Them To Pray

Prayer is how we connect with God and understand what He wants us to do. It is important to teach children about prayer by sharing Bible verses on the topic, such as Matthew 7:7 which says, "Ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." We should encourage our children to pray regularly and ask God to show them the path He has laid out for their lives. It is also important to show them how to pray.

When we pray, we open our hearts to listen for God's still, small voice guiding us. Prayer allows us to build an intimate relationship with our Heavenly Father as we share all aspects of our lives with Him - our joys and sorrows, our hopes and fears. As children develop a habit of prayer, they will learn to recognize God's answers and direction. They will see how He guides their thoughts and opens new opportunities. They will experience the peace that comes from giving their worries and anxieties to the Lord. Most importantly, a lifestyle of prayer will root children deeply in faith as they follow where God leads them.

Identify Their Gifts

God gives us certain gifts, talents, and interests to point us to His purpose for us. Work with your kids to discover their strengths, skills, and passions. This self-awareness will help them match their talents to God's calling. Romans 12:6 says, "We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us."

Your child may be great at sports, music, or maybe they are just really smart. No matter what their talents or gifts are it is crucial that we teach hildren how to leverage those gifts for God’s plan and purposes.

Introduce them to Heroes of the Faith

Examples like David, Esther, Paul, Abraham, the disciples, and others can inspire your kids and show them what responding to God's will can look like. Read biographies of godly people in our time. Discuss the stories and highlight how God used each person in a unique way. You can also discuss the ways in which many of these characters failed to follow God at certain points and some of the consequences they faced because of that.

Don’t Get in the Way

My parents did not tell me what I was going to be when I grew up. My father was a pastor and later a missionary, but he never expected nor did he try to persuade me to pursue the same career. In fact, my parents never told me what career path they hoped or wished I would follow. Instead, they taught me how to discern God’s will for my life and courageously follow that path. Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, parents can unintentionally hinder their child's pursuit of God’s purpose for their life by placing unrealistic expectations before them. Another way parents can get in the way of God is by their own lack of commitment to God, their lack of spiritual discipline, their hypocrisy. Children have a keen ability to see through us. If we talk to them about God but are not devoted followers of Jesus ourselves, they will see our hypocrisy and will likely resist God in their own hearts. So …

Set a godly Example

Live out your own calling and purpose before your kids. Let them see you reading Scripture, praying, and serving God with the gifts He's given you. Your example will do more than anything else to show them how to walk in God's will.

Of course, in order to set a godly example, you must be a devoted follower of Jesus Christ. Are you? Has there been a time in your life when you confessed and repented of your sin to God and placed your trust in Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior? If not, try as you may, you can never set the godly example your child needs. Children need parents who believe in Jesus and follow him as Lord of their lives. If you’re not following Jesus, which is what it means to be a Christian, then I urge you to make that decision today, not only for the sake of your eternal destiny, but also for your children.

Conclusion

A few years ago a person very close to our family “came out” as a lesbian. When that happened her parents, who are faithful Christians, questioned their parenting, saying, “Where did WE go wrong?” They felt responsible for her decision as if it were their fault. Many Christian parents feel a crushing guilt when their children do not “turn out right.” They ask questions like, “What did we do wrong? What else could we have done?”

Two things you need to remember:

There are many other influences on our children’s development. We do the best we can to teach them Jesus, we pray for them, we model discipleship, we love them. But as Proverbs 22:15 reminds us, foolishness in bound in a child’s heart; and sometimes children, people, can be very stubborn. We are not responsible for our adult children’s sinful decisions. They are.

Prodigal children often come home. In the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15, where was the father when the boy came home? Luke 15:20 tells us. “… while the son was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion. He ran, threw his arms around his neck, and kissed him.” It appears to me that the father was looking, waiting, hoping for his son’s return. The lesson here is never give up hope. If you have a prodigal child, pray, wait, hope.

in the meantime, here are the building blocks that God wants us to provide to get our children started on the path of godliness: discipline, boundaries, guidance, and a godly example. Whether you are a parent, or grandparent, aunt or uncle, teacher, or church member, everyone of us play a part in building godly character in our children. That’s what they really need!

Matthew 18:6 “But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to fall away—it would be better for him if a heavy millstone were hung around his neck and he were drowned in the depths of the sea.”

I don’t want that burden. Do you?