Be Gracious

Go ahead and open your Bibles to Ephesians 4:31-32.

We have been talking in the last few weeks about what it looks like for us to Be the Church as we live out the new life we have in Christ.

The commands we are looking at from Ephesians deal with how we relate to each other. This series is picking up from our series last August about Being the Church together.

As Jeff said last week, these commands in Ephesians 4-6 are based off the theology Paul outlined in the first three chapters of the book.

We aren’t simply coming up with a list of do’s and don’ts. Instead, we are looking back at all Jesus has done in drawing us into a relationship with himself and with other people and seeing how that impacts the way we relate to other Christians.

That is going to become especially clear in this morning’s passage.

Our first Sunday, Matt challenged us to speak truth to each other. We need to be willing to confront and challenge each other even when it can make us uncomfortable.

Last week, Jeff challenged us to be careful with what we say. We need to consider the source of our words, recognizing that what we say comes from our hearts. We need to communicate in ways that build others up and give thanks to God and others.

This week, we continue the pattern Matt identified when he preached: there are attitudes and actions to put off, new attitudes to put on, and a theological truth that gives us an incredible reason why we should obey.

Let’s read through verses 31-32 together and then we will look at them a little more closely.

We start with the pattern from our old life that we are supposed to get rid of.

In verse 31, we are instructed to…

1) Let God remove bitterness.

That is somewhat awkward phrasing, but we will see why in a minute.

In verse 31, Paul provides what some describe as a “vice list.”

Paul does this kind of thing a lot in his writing, where he will list off several things we either should or shouldn’t do.

When you see lists like this, remember that the items he mentions are representative. In other words, he is giving us lists of the kinds of behaviors and attitudes we should or should not cultivate, not specifically listing out every good or bad thing.

He is describing categories of vice or virtue.

To get a sense of what Paul is saying, let’s look at them more closely.

In this list, the category is attitudes and actions that stem from bitterness.

Bitterness is exactly what it sounds like.

In some contexts, it describes something that leaves an unpleasant taste in your mouth.

When I was a kid, my parents took us to The Farmhouse in Christiansburg.

Back then, they served their steaks on a cast-iron skillet.

Mom and Dad ordered their steaks medium well, so I did too. It’s a travesty, I know, but I was young and impressionable.

I didn’t know that you were supposed to flip the steak when it got to the table, so it just sat their and burned on the one side.

I took a bite of it and tasted bitter and burnt, and for a long time, I was convinced that I didn’t like steak because it was bitter!

We are applying that same imagery to our hearts here—this is bitterness in our hearts that comes from interacting with other people.

You may have had a disagreement with someone and have a bad taste in your heart because they said something or they hurt you or you just don’t like them.

You may just be bitter at people in general. Enough people have let you down in life that you are just bitter with everyone.

When bitterness becomes our attitude towards others, all we see is that bad taste. We no longer see others Christians as our brothers and sisters.

You can’t imagine liking them or caring about them because all you remember is the bitter taste they left in your mouth.

When that’s our attitude, it is going to result in what Paul lists next: anger and wrath.

These two words are basically synonymous.

Our bitterness makes us angry toward the other person.

There is a time and a place to be angry when that anger is directed toward sin.

However, this is talking about when bitterness causes me to be angry when I think about or see the other person.

When bitterness gives rise to anger, it shows itself through the next two terms: shouting and slander.

That internalized anger spills out into outbursts of shouting or other noticeable disagreements that divide the church and disrupt what God is doing.

We may not yell because we are better at hiding than that, but we slander each other, attempting to assassinate the character of the other person.

We talk about people behind their backs or make side comments when they come up in conversation, we may even make posts on social media or otherwise seek to tear them down.

What Paul is correcting here isn’t truthful speech that confronts sin, like Matt preached about a couple weeks ago.

This is slanderous speech with malicious intent, designed to make the other person hurt like you have been hurt.

What are we supposed to do with all of this?

Let bitterness and all its fruits be removed from you.

Do you notice something interesting here?

Paul doesn’t say “Remove bitterness.”

He says “let it be removed.” Why?

Because if you have ever been deeply hurt, you know that getting over bitterness is something you cannot do on your own.

Removing bitterness and replacing it with graciousness requires the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives, accomplishing what he alone can accomplish.

Removing these things requires that we cry out to God, asking him to remove the bitterness in our hearts toward our brothers or sisters in Christ.

It requires us allowing him to change our way of thinking towards them.

That becomes crystal clear when we see what Paul tells us to replace our bitterness with…

2) Replace it with graciousness.

Instead of bitterness toward each other, our lives are supposed to be marked by kindness.

Kindness here has the idea of “what is suitable or fitting to a need.”

In other words, kindness is responding to a person with what they need in the moment.

It is similar to the instruction Paul gave to the Philippians:

Philippians 2:3–4 CSB

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look not to his own interests, but rather to the interests of others.

Kindness is going to look out for the needs of my brothers and sisters in Christ.

That kindness is marked by compassion as well.

This word comes from one of my favorite Greek words. I know that’s a weird thing to say, but it is just a fun word: splachna.

The root word literally means “bowels” or “guts.”

In Paul’s day, they thought of guts as the seat of emotion like we do the heart.

That makes sense, doesn’t it? When you get nervous around your crush, you felt it in your stomach, didn’t you?

Have you ever heard of someone enduring something so challenging or tragic that it made you nauseous to think about it?

There is an ache in the pit of our stomach when we see someone we love hurting.

That’s the idea behind compassion here.

Instead of being moved to anger or wrath or shouting or slander, my heart should want good and be moved with compassion for my brothers and sisters in Christ.

We may get caught too much in our own feelings these days, but God is saying that the new life we live together means my heart should be tender toward you.

When someone at church is hurting, I should hurt with them.

Paul said it elsewhere like this:

Romans 12:15 CSB

Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.

Kindness and compassion means that when you are celebrating, I should celebrate with you.

When you are suffering, I should weep with you.

I shouldn’t be bitter because you are getting what I wish I had. I shouldn’t slander you because you offended me.

Instead, I should be kind and compassionate.

What does that look like?

The CSB and the majority of English translations translate the remainder of the verse as something like “forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.”

Forgiveness is definitely in view here, but commentators indicate that these words should more likely be translated “be gracious to one another, just as God was also gracious to you in Christ.”

That is how the word is translated most frequently, and that meaning fits the context well.

Here’s how scholar and author Harold Hoehner states it:

"Graciousness is the antithesis of bitterness, anger, wrath, shouting, and abusive speech. In other words, bitterness is counteracted by a gracious attitude, anger and wrath are counteracted by a gracious disposition, the shouting and abusive speech are counteracted by gracious speaking."

This answers for us what it looks like to be kind and compassionate.

Instead of demanding our rights, we extend grace to each other.

Instead of tearing each other down with our words, we speak the truth in love, building others up, praising and thanking God.

Our attitudes towards each other believe in and hope for the best instead of letting bitterness distort our perceptions so we automatically assume the worst.

That does mean we extend forgiveness to each other when someone wrongs us, but it goes beyond that to my entire disposition towards others is one of kindness, compassion, and grace.

Sometimes, though, we get really hurt by other Christians. How can we be gracious towards them when they have been unkind to us?

That’s where Paul anchors the command in a theological reality:

3) Remember what Christ has done for you.

This is where we get to the heart of the matter.

Why should we be kind and compassionate and gracious to others?

Look at the end of verse 32… because God has been gracious to me in Christ.

Remember how we said the “to do’s” in this chapter are built on the theology of the first three?

That’s what we are seeing here.

You aren’t supposed to put away bitterness and be gracious just because it would be a good way to live.

You are to do this because of what God has done for you in Christ.

We could go all through this book to see God’s goodness and graciousness towards us, but jump back to 1:3-8 for a quick overview of what that grace looks like.

Ephesians 1:3–8 CSB

Blessed is the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavens in Christ. For he chose us in him, before the foundation of the world, to be holy and blameless in love before him. He predestined us to be adopted as sons through Jesus Christ for himself, according to the good pleasure of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace that he lavished on us in the Beloved One. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace that he richly poured out on us with all wisdom and understanding.

We could spend days on this passage. In fact, I imagine this will come up in the next three weeks in Scott’s Sunday Seminary class on predestination that kicks off right after this service.

For now, don’t get bogged down in the weeds—look at what God has done.

Blessed us with every spiritual blessing

Chosen and adopted us

Bought us back from our old way of life by shedding his blood for us

Forgave our sins

Richly pouring his grace on us.

That’s why we live graciously toward others.

We extend grace because we live in the reality that:

I am a sinner first before I am sinned against.

What does that mean?

It means that, before I respond to someone when they sin against me, I need to remember that I also sin against God.

Remember, God created us for a relationship with him, and yet I sin, which means I choose to do what I think is best instead of what he says. I choose not to do what he says I should, and I choose to do what he says I shouldn’t.

Sin goes deeper in my heart than just my actions, meaning my thoughts, intentions, attitudes, and more are all stained by sin.

When I choose to sin, I choose to reject the God who rightfully reigns over the universe and who loves me more deeply than I can imagine.

How do I know that he loves me that deeply?

Because in light of all that sin, he sent his Son to die for me.

Jesus, the Son of God, took my sin upon himself on the cross and died to forgive me of my sin. He rose from the dead to show that the penalty had been paid and he conquered death.

So how badly have I sinned against God? Badly enough that his own Son died because of what I have done.

And yet, in Christ, God forgave me.

That means I am a sinner before I am ever sinned against.

In my interactions with other Christians, I cannot forget that God has extended grace upon grace upon grace upon grace upon grace to me through Christ.

If God can forgive me and give me every spiritual blessing in Christ, I must be willing to extend that same grace to others.

So, what do you need to do this morning?

First, make sure you have come into a relationship with God through Christ.

Second, ask the Lord where you have become bitter. There may be a specific person you are angry at or slandering, or it may be that life in general has just left you bitter toward pretty much everyone.

Take time today to ask the Lord to help remove that bitterness from you and replace it with graciousness.

Take time to reflect deeply on all God has done to show you his grace, and ask him to give you the ability to show that same grace to others. Here’s a quick tip of where to find reminders of God’s grace: Look at the first chapter of a lot of the letters in the New Testament. The authors often open their letter with thanksgiving for how God has worked. Ephesians 1, which we looked at a few minutes ago, has plenty for you to chew on.

Bibliography:

Constantine R. Campbell. The Letter to the Ephesians. The Pillar New Testament Commentary. Grand Rapids: Eerdmans. 2023.

Hoehner, Harold W. Ephesians : An Exegetical Commentary. Grand Rapids: Baker Academic. 2002.