Be Happy Pt. 10 Difficult Relationships
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I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to be of the same mind in the Lord. Yes, and I ask you, my true companion, help these women since they have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my co-workers, whose names are in the book of life.
And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight,
Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel
then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
Philippians 2:14–15 (NIV)
Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky
Psalm 133:1–3 (NIV)
How good and pleasant it is
when God’s people live together in unity!
It is like precious oil poured on the head,
running down on the beard,
running down on Aaron’s beard,
down on the collar of his robe.
It is as if the dew of Hermon
were falling on Mount Zion.
For there the Lord bestows his blessing,
even life forevermore.
By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
I. There were some relational problems in the church at Philippi.
A. Main theme of book was joy but sub theme was unity.
B. Points about relationship problems.
1. Christians can have relationship problems.
I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to be of the same mind in the Lord. Yes, and I ask you, my true companion, help these women since they have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my co-workers, whose names are in the book of life.
Both of these women served the Lord beside Paul, along with Clement another church leader.
There names are written in the book of life.
We have no idea what the issue was that they were fighting about.
It is interesting that Paul didn’t mention that. Often the relationship is more important that the issue.
Strong will people often have conflict - I wonder if Syntyche and Euodia were strong will people.
Paul pleaded with them to get along, he was deeply troubled by their conflict.
παρακαλέω - to urge strongly, appeal to, urge, exhort, encourage
I urge - NAS
I implore - NKJV
I appeal - NET
Certainly all of us have been burdened and saddened watching people having conflict. (adult children, marriage strain or break up, fellow believers having difficulty)
Things always look simpler to bystanders than people that are actually in the conflict.
2. Problems between people are not anything new.
a. This is a church 2000 years old founded by the Apostle Paul.
b. Ecclesiastes there is nothing new under the sun.
What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
c. First conflict in the church - church softball team and chewing tobacco.
3. Conflict between people is as old as the human race.
Conflict in relationship is a result of the fallen nature of man
Began when sin entered the world. Cain and Abel. Ge. 4:3-9
In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. And Abel also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.
Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”
Now Cain said to his brother Abel, “Let’s go out to the field.” While they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.
Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?”
“I don’t know,” he replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
4. There are human conflicts in every human organization, government, schools, HOAs, companies, and churches.
5. Christians should lead the way in demonstrating how to minimize relational issues between themselves and should demonstrate forgiveness and restoration.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
Why are peacemakers blessed? The answer is that they are blessed because they are so absolutely unlike everybody else. The peacemakers are blessed because they are the people who stand out as being different from the rest of the world, and they are different because they are the children of God.
David Martyn Lloyd-Jones (Welsh Preacher and Writer)
“Peacemakers are architects who build bridges with wood from a Roman cross.” Max Lucado
II. What causes conflict in relationships?
A. Immaturity.
Immaturity has nothing to do with chronological age.
We can be 60 and be emotionally immature.
Immaturity is basically always seeing things only from your perspective. Maturity is the capacity to get behind the eyes and views of other people.
Karen and I when we first got married. Kids fighting over toys.
When Paul wrote in Philippians 2 about Jesus as the ultimate example he was calling them to spiritual maturity.
In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
James says you fight because you want your own way.
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
Spiritual immaturity (sin) is self-centeredness, self-absorption, self-pity, self-justification, and neediness. Spiritual maturity displaces spiritual immaturity when God-centeredness displaces self-centeredness.
Timothy Keller
Where egos are prominent conflict is inevitable. D. Tice
We are called to grow up in our faith
Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans? For when one says, “I follow Paul,” and another, “I follow Apollos,” are you not mere human beings?
σάρκινος- to being material or belonging to the physical realm, material, physical, human, fleshly
But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen.
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
5 Traits of immaturity
Inability to see the other person’s perspective.
“Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood” Stephen Covey
See the world from the other person’s eyes.
rigidness on non essential matters.
Beware of making a big deal over little deals.
Flexibility is important to get along with people.
Rigidness on essential principles but flexibility on non essentials.
Chinese proverb: Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.
An overwhelming drive to always be right.
Competitive people that have to alway be right.
You can win all the arguments and loose all your relationships.
Don’t paint people in a corner to embarrass them.
Lack of capacity to admit you are wrong.
Admitting you are wrong demonstrates that you are human.
No one is right all the time.
Admitting you are wrong is an act of humility.
God allows us to be wrong sometimes so we have to admit we are wrong so we embrace humility.
Lack of capacity to admit wrong is a sign of pride and God hates pride.
To fear the Lord is to hate evil;
I hate pride and arrogance,
evil behavior and perverse speech.
There are six things the Lord hates,
seven that are detestable to him:
haughty eyes,
a lying tongue,
hands that shed innocent blood,
a heart that devises wicked schemes,
feet that are quick to rush into evil,
God resists the proud.
But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
“God opposes the proud
but shows favor to the humble.”
In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because,
“God opposes the proud
but shows favor to the humble.”
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.
Illustration - riding a bike into the wind.
Immature people hold onto grudges.
Illustration Sherry moldy sandwich in her pocketbook.
I.O.U - you emotionally punish people for something they have done or said that offended you.
Everyone has a bad day and bad moments.
Scriptures
“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
A person’s wisdom yields patience;
it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
B. Personality conflicts
B. Personality conflicts
Some people rub us the wrong way.
We call these extra grace people - it requires extra grace to deal with them.
My struggle with overbearing personalities.
What types of people do you struggle with?
Religion … is in essence the response of created personalities to the Creating Personality, God.
A. W. Tozer
Gears in a machine that don’t match up very well.
II. What causes relationships to break down?
II. What causes relationships to break down?
a. Pressure.
Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him, since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have.
The Philippians were being persecuted and that persecution brings pressure - makes our real selves manifest.
Amazing Race TV show when people are lost - one navigates and the other drives - they get angry with each other. Show pic.
External pressure amplifies internal weakness.
Mervin Breneman
When we are under pressure the ugly side of our personality comes out.
Paul under pressure when he wrote to the Corinthians
What shows up during pressure is a chance for us to grow - repent of what comes up and work on changing.
Refining gold - impurities come to surface and the refiner skims off the impurities until he can see his face in the boiling liquid gold.
We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.
b. Jealousy
Jealousy the sin no one talks about. R.T. Kendall
The Bible talks a lot about Jealousy therefore it must be a problem. R.T. Kendall
One group in church not getting as much attention as another group.
We struggle with jealousy when we are unsure of our identify in Christ.
Scriptures:
A heart at peace gives life to the body,
but envy rots the bones.
Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming,
but who can stand before jealousy?
You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans?
But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions
Signs You Struggle with Jealousy.
I need to be the smartest, best-looking, most achieved, or funniest person in the room.
I have a hard time feeling happy for others when they succeed or have something I desire.
I don’t have many close relationships because it’s hard for me to feel secure in most friendships.
I have a deep fear of being unnoticed, unworthy, or unloved.
I put a lot of my identity in who I know, what I do, what I have, or what I’ve achieved.
I feel good when I know others are jealous of me.
I continually compare myself with others and feel like I fall short or am less than.
It takes a lot of effort to say something nice about someone else.
I care a lot about what people think of me and struggle to understand how God’s love is sufficient.
We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.
Illustrations
Runner who came in second and chipped at statue.
“Irish writer Oscar Wilde once told a fictional tale about how the devil was crossing the Libyan desert. He came upon a spot where a small number of demons were tormenting a holy hermit. The sainted man easily shook off their evil suggestions. The devil watched as his lieutenants failed to sway the hermit, then he stepped forward to give them a lesson.
“What you do is too crude,” he said. “Permit me for one moment.”
He then whispered to the holy man, “Your brother has just been made Bishop of Alexandria.” Suddenly, a look of malignant envy clouded the once-serene face of the hermit. Then the devil turned to the imps and said, “That is the sort of thing which I should recommend.”
O! beware, my lord, of jealousy;
It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock
The meat it feeds on.
William Shakespeare
We all have seeds of jealousy and envy in us. The question is, who among us will acknowledge it?
David Wilkerson
His brothers were jealous of him, but his father kept the matter in mind.
c. Not feeling valued and loved.
If we feel loved we will overlook almost any offense.
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
d. Unmet expectations.
But Naaman went away angry and said, “I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy. Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Couldn’t I wash in them and be cleansed?” So he turned and went off in a rage.
Naaman’s servants went to him and said, “My father, if the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? How much more, then, when he tells you, ‘Wash and be cleansed’!” So he went down and dipped himself in the Jordan seven times, as the man of God had told him, and his flesh was restored and became clean like that of a young boy.
Much mental suffering is tied to our false expectations.
D. A. Carson
Recalibrating your expectations:
Some of our expectations are unrealistic.
Unmet expectations make you adapt your attitude which is good for you (and me).
Life rarely plays out the way you imagine it will play out.
Most of our expectations are unspoken and assumed. We have a mental image of how things are to play out.
IV. Navigating Difficult Relationships.
Be quick to listen.
Be an eager listener
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,
Listening validates people.
Listening is a form of validation, affirming the worth and value of the person speaking.
Validation is what ultimately matters to people.
Henry Cloud book on leadership. validation is what matters.
Do everything in your power to mend the relationship.
Realize that reconciliation requires the full cooperation of the other party.
Henry Lee Henry Dirt pile story.
Go the extra mile. Matt. 5:41
If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.
You can only do your part you cannot do the other person’s part.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Identify your mistakes in the relationship.
What did you do wrong? (Divorce)
Not always 50/50.
Realize that reconciliation requires the full cooperation of the other party.
Dirt pile illustration Henry Lee Henry - tunnel through the top of the dirt pile.
You can only do your part you cannot do the other person’s part.
Be realistic about divergent goals and differences.
Everyone can’t work closely together because their philosophies and goals are different in life.
We have different values and goals.
Old Testament don’t stick a mule and Ox together - they have different gait of walking.
Story of Paul and Barnabas.
Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, “Let us go back and visit the believers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.” Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the believers to the grace of the Lord. He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.
Paul wanted to get the gospel out and spread around the Roman Empire. (big picture)
Barnabas wanted to develop John Mark. (small picture)
They were both right.
They has a different philosophy that they both felt strongly about.
Possible underlying issues.
Paul rebuking Barnabas at Antioch. (festering issue)
When Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. For before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. The other Jews joined him in his hypocrisy, so that by their hypocrisy even Barnabas was led astray.
When I saw that they were not acting in line with the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas in front of them all, “You are a Jew, yet you live like a Gentile and not like a Jew. How is it, then, that you force Gentiles to follow Jewish customs?
b. Paul becoming the dominant leader over Barnabas
But when the apostles Barnabas and Paul heard of this, they tore their clothes and rushed out into the crowd, shouting:
The whole assembly became silent as they listened to Barnabas and Paul telling about the signs and wonders God had done among the Gentiles through them.
So we all agreed to choose some men and send them to you with our dear friends Barnabas and Paul—
When the congregation was dismissed, many of the Jews and devout converts to Judaism followed Paul and Barnabas, who talked with them and urged them to continue in the grace of God.
Then Paul and Barnabas answered them boldly: “We had to speak the word of God to you first. Since you reject it and do not consider yourselves worthy of eternal life, we now turn to the Gentiles.
But the Jewish leaders incited the God-fearing women of high standing and the leading men of the city. They stirred up persecution against Paul and Barnabas, and expelled them from their region.
Barnabas they called Zeus, and Paul they called Hermes because he was the chief speaker.
This brought Paul and Barnabas into sharp dispute and debate with them. So Paul and Barnabas were appointed, along with some other believers, to go up to Jerusalem to see the apostles and elders about this question.
Then the apostles and elders, with the whole church, decided to choose some of their own men and send them to Antioch with Paul and Barnabas. They chose Judas (called Barsabbas) and Silas, men who were leaders among the believers.
But Paul and Barnabas remained in Antioch, where they and many others taught and preached the word of the Lord.
Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, “Let us go back and visit the believers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.”
c. Conclusion regarding Paul and Barnabas
From the relationship of Paul and Barnabas we can draw an important lesson. Here were two godly men, loved by the churches, filled with the Spirit, enduring persecution together, seeing people saved, and enjoying an effective ministry. Yet they were fallible and did not see eye to eye on everything. They quarreled and parted ways. Even the best and most faithful among us are prone to interpersonal conflicts and mistakes. We are all fallen human beings. The ministries of both men continued—in fact, the number of missionary teams doubled! God can use even our disagreements to further His work.
V. More Scriptures
V. More Scriptures
Therefore, remember that formerly you who are Gentiles by birth and called “uncircumcised” by those who call themselves “the circumcision” (which is done in the body by human hands)—remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ.
For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility.
Prayer of Saint Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.