Screentime

I remember the night Lauren told me that things were going to change.

“You’re going to what?!” I blurted out. “But their hour of screentime is the only break you get in the afternoon!”

“It’s just not worth it,” she said.

She didn’t look excited. She didn’t look happy. She just seemed resigned to fighting for something better than what we had. What we had was a screentime rut.

It didn’t take long after having our first child to realize that the screen did something magical to children. Our first, Whit, absolutely hated the car—unless, of course, “Elmo’s Song” was playing. I remember thinking that this seemed like some sort of magic drug.

From that point on, we were relatively moderate with our screentime, but it was still a regular staple in their daily routine. As the second and third kid came around, the struggle to find even a twenty-minute stretch in the afternoon where kids were either napping or resting seemed impossible—unless we gave them an iPad. In which case they would sit watching a couple of shows and give Lauren a “break” for an hour—a break just being an hour she could catch up on all the other work of the home.

It is hard to overemphasize how difficult the nonstop nature of parenting is. In the young years of parenting, you wake to children. You eat with children. You run errands with children. You play with children. Some of the most common desires of all people are denied you: just to have an adult conversation, focus on a task, or complete something—all of these are taken from you. I often think about how a typical parent’s desire just to stand off to the side of the playground and scroll on a device makes so much sense—the mental difficulty of being surrounded by children all day is so intense, it makes anyone want to check out. For so many parents, screens are the only way out of this madness. That was true for Lauren’s one hour each afternoon.

The problem was what happened afterward. The fallout seemed to be getting worse and worse. It was a fight to turn off the shows, and they seemed fidgety and short-tempered with each other afterward. They were even more needy and full of complaints.

This was the rut we were in when Lauren told me of her decision to remove screentime from their daily routine. But years later, she stands by the decision and still makes it every day. Recently I asked her why.

“Because the fight is worth it,” she said. “The fight is not about ‘Are screens okay?’ or ‘How much screentime is too much?’ The fight is about whether you are forming your children or you are defaulting to letting screens form them. This is a fight for formation, and that is never easy, but it will always be worth a parent’s time and energy—even if it’s the last bit of time and energy you have.”

Who Forms Who?

Romans 12:2 “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”

God tells us that we are either in one of two states at all times during out life. We are either being transformed into the image of God, or we are being conformed into the image of this world. Our heart is always being formed. There is no neutral.

Formation - that’s why screens are so important.

Consider the stakes for a moment. If we do not teach our kids about sex, screens will be happy to do it for us.

If we do not teach them categories of good and evil, then screens will be happy to obscure all of them.

If we do not teach them that God made them who they are on purpose, man or woman and black or white, then screens will be happy to confuse their understanding of all of these things.

If we do not teach them that buying things will not make them happy and that consumption always leaves you hungrier, then screens will teach them that being a consumer is a way to status and satisfaction.

If we do not teach them that silence is a sacred place where God speaks to us, then screens will make sure they never, ever discover it.

If we do not teach them that vulnerable and embodied friendship is the heart of the good life, then screens will relentlessly nudge them toward “connecting” and “liking” their way to loneliness.

Screens are one of the most habit-forming mechanism’s in our life outside of addictve drugs. And we’ve got them everywhere.

The default of modern life is going to be limitless screens unless a parent intervenes and teaches that limits are a good thing, especially when it comes to screens.

At the core of being a parent is the idea of setting limits for your children. - “Not that close to the street.” “That’s enough hot chocolate.” “It’s bedtime.” “No more shows.” “You can’t sleep over if their parents aren’t home.” “It’s time to let someone else have a turn.”

Dwell on this with me for a moment, because this is the human condition. In this respect, we are all children: our core struggle is to want it all. Proverbs 27:20 “Hell and destruction are never full; So the eyes of man are never satisfied.”

Jesus gives some graphic imagery in Matthew 5:30 “And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.” Our ever-expanding desire for more options will cut us off unless we decide to cut it off. Our infinite desires will do violence to us and others unless we control them and put them in their proper place. This is a matter of healthy limits.

In the American story, limits are bad. They get in the way of our freedom, which means we need to get rid of all limits to be happy. But in the story of God, limits are the way to the good life, even the way to happiness.

There is pain in limit’s however. But the pain is mostly for us to bear so our kids don’t have to. It’s going to be hard—yes. One of the hardest things we do. They are going to want them—all the time. And even more, we are going to want them all the time, to make our afternoon or our car ride or our morning easier.

We don’t sacrifice our kids’ formation so that we can have an easier life. We sacrifice the ease of our life so our kids can have biblical formation.

In this way the battle over screentime takes the shape of God’s redemptive love. We aid our children’s formation in character, wisdom, emotional intelligence, and creativity by intervening as parents and taking the inconvenience of saying, “Yes, this is going to mean I get fewer breaks and have to be more involved and have to manage constant requests, but this is for their formation, which means it is a fight worth fighting well.”

The Power of Curation

If the battle of screens is a battle for formation, then curation, not abstinence, is the answer. If screens were simply harmful or evil, then this would be a lot simpler—just stay away from them. But screens—like most technologies—are far more nuanced than that, which makes our task much more complicated, because it is almost always harder to use something responsibly than it is just to stay away entirely.

Habit 1 - Setting Limits

We need weave limits into rhythms of engagement. Having set times is a rhythm. So for example, we may say, Friday evening is family movie night, and on Tuesday evening I’ll watch a netflix series with my spouse. That would be an example of an expected rhythm. All the other nights, I don’t have to expend the mental energy of deciding if I’m going to stream some content. I just know it only happens at those two times. This will help break the “screentime might be anytime” mentality. Will they still ask, yes. But will they ask less knowing I’m going to give a consistent answer, yes, and that’s a win. So here are some practical ideas for screentime

Family movie night

Set aside one night a week for a family movie night. Often, we answer the question, “Can we watch a show?” with the question, “Is it Friday?” If not, they get the point. If so, they know that means, “Yes, after dinner tonight.” There is a consistent answer and it’s a routine you can get into that limits screentime from being all the time.

Screenless Car Rides

Car rides are a great time for converstion, especially one-on-one conversations. Kids will stop asking to play on a phone or watch a show.

There are exceptions if it’s a long car ride, but maybe once we are halfway there, or when they wake up from a nap.

Large Home Gatherings

Sometimes we have large home gatherings and we might let the kids all watch a show together with their friends. This is fun for the kids, and makes it easier for the adults to talk and eat and have a more meaningful time. Choosing a movie for them to watch together is much better than them sitting alone in a corner with auto-play on for a countless period of time.

Also noting, if we feel guilty about using a screen as a baby sitter all the time, that might need to be addressed. But when we let it fall into a rhythm like during large gatherings, it’s less of a babysitter and more of a tool.

Movies at Friends Houses

Every family is on their own journey when it comes to screentime. We can’t judge other families and where they are in that timeline. That’s not Biblical. We should be confident in our choices, but gracious in judging other parent’s choices. values. So within reason, I think it’s wise and important to respect other people’s rhythms. That means when our kids go over to a neighbor’s house and are spontaneously invited to watch a movie, that is usually okay. And yes, we should monitor things like content and how they watch whether they are here or somewhere else.

The author - For example, they know they are never allowed to just go somewhere and watch a screen without asking a parent. When they are young, they cannot even be on a screen without a parent in the room. And likewise, when kids come over to our house, it is a rule that they cannot be on a device—period—unless we monitor it. Neighborhood kids come over to play all the time, but if they happen to have an iPhone, they cannot sit on our couch and watch it alone. Our rule is that they are here to play with everyone, or they have to go home—and guess what? They always choose to play.

Weekly Screen Fast

Choose a day or a few days where screens are just not turned on. This might be a good first step.

Generous Exceptions

Despite all this wisdom of rhythms as limits, one thing that is not uncommon at all is an exception on a bad day. If someone is sick, then it is very likely they will be watching movies all day. If a ballgame or a much-anticipated playdate gets rained out, then a consolation prize of watching an iPad and a show is not unusual. This goes to show the point is not to obey the rule for the rule's sake but to let limits guide you into wise decision making. If someone has done something exceptional and deserves a reward, maybe a spontaneous movie night is in order. Or sometimes, it has just been an awful day and we say, "Let's abandon family dinner, get takeout, and let the kids watch something." This shouldn't be regarded as failure. It should be seen as the fruit of healthy rhythms. Creating wise patterns allows you the space to improvise and make wise and even generous exceptions.

Off Time as the Norm

IF you add up all the times we just mentioned, there’s still a good amount of screentime, yet it’s not the norm. The norm is off the screens.

Tips for starting with limits

Be serious and stick with the committment. Kids need consistency. Consistency is stability.

Set up a limit that seems uncomfortable. Limits aren’t supposed to be easy. By nature, limits are hard.

Make it easier to get out a board game than to sit down in front of a screen. For instance, we put a tv upstairs. It’s away from everything on the lower level of our house. Its easier for the kids to go into the playroom than it is for us to trudge upstairs and turn on the tv. Maybe you trade in your tv for a projector. That way it’s more of an experience to watch a movie on the wall, but more hassle to set it up.

Habit 2 - Choosing Content

Limits only do so much, we also need to decide upon the content. Here’s some practical steps:

Choose Good Content over New Content

Often, the nudge of auto-play combined with a fear of missing out makes us unconsciously default to watching new content. New Content is not always the best. in fact our assumption should be the opposite.

I can usually watch good content with my kids, even though it is intended for kids. ie. Bluey

Pick Media that expands the mind or educates

I.E. Mr Rodgers neighborhood.

Don’t choose media that just stimulates the mind, lots of changing scenes and loud noises.

This helps ourselves and our children learn how to watch content rather than just what to watch. teach our kids how to pay attention rather than just succomb to the twists and turns of the media.

Be Present

Be present when watching shows with your family. Be mindful of what is going through the eyegate and eargate of those watching. This isn’t just for children, it’s for adults as well. The Bible says we are to guard what enters into our eyes because it goes to our heart (Lamentations 3:51 and 1 Cor 2:9). In Psalm 101:3 “I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes: I hate the work of them that turn aside; it shall not cleave to me.”

So what are wicked things? Is that violence? is that profanity? Is that anything in the Old Testament law at the time this verse was written? How does that apply to us now? What is the deciding factor on what content I should allow to be viewed? The ultimate answer is to let the Holy Spirit decide. If God gives you peace in your heart about that content, then it’s ok. If there is not peace in your heart about the content you’re watching, then don’t let it come into the house.

On the other hand, the Bible tells us that we are in the world, but not of the world. Watching things on tv gives us an opportunity to talk about them. For instance, how many have seen the classic movie, the sandlot? It’s a fun movie about courage, and friendship, and sports. There’s some good lessons in the movie. But then the lifeguard, Wendy Peffercorn, is also very objectified in that movie. And the famous scene where Squints tricks Wendy into a nonconsensual kiss is not ok. None of us would teach our kids how to do that. And so that would be a good opportunity to pause the movie and discuss how that’s not ok, and even though the movie shows it as harmless and with no lasting consequences, we can talk about how movie’s don’t depict real life accurately, and how that’s degrading and disrespectful toward someone that God made. Most likely I’m not going to be around when someone makes a demeaning joke toward one of my daughters, or someone objectifies them, but if it comes up in a tv show or movie, I’ll have a unique way to talk about it to them and talk about how they should react to that.

Make a Watch List

Making a list of movies and tv shows that are ok to watch, is about us taking the power of curation back into our hands. Streaming services provide what they view as a benefit, is curated things for people to watch. So when the show is over, half-way through the credits something else will pop on that they think you’ll enjoy. No matter your flaws, I can guarantee you that you’re a better curator than google.

Watching good content over and over again, lets the good themes sink in deeper into our hearts.

Watch together, process together.

For adults and for kids, we all make better choices when we are not alone. Movies and shows have a unique capacity to bind us together and give us shared language, but this happens only when we watch together, laugh together, ask questions together, and process afterward.

Asking what they liked, or what they learned as well as what was wrong with the content, gives us a chance to process what we just watched.

Listen to the Holy Spirit

Like all things, screens must be held in moderation. They are a great tool. I prefer to read my Bible on a screen. Either my phone, but most commonly, my computer. I find I’m far more engaged if I’m writing notes or working on a lesson. I type so much faster than I write. I enjoy reading my Bible and clicking on a note that’s attached to a verse. There’s usually sermon notes or good thoughts on the other side of that click.

But with as much benefit a screen can provide, they can also cause much harm. They are the gateway to viewing addictions, unrestrained imaginations, and constant fear. With everything else in this life, I must yield to the Holy Spirit on these matters. I know families, who have decided they don’t need a tv in their home. And for them, that’s the right decision. We are ultimately subject to the Holy Spirit and what He sees fit for our families. We can’t judge one another on standards someone else possesses or doesn’t possess.

Of all the chapters discussed so far, theres more in this chapter I disagree with than any other chapter. Specifically, he says not to worry about language and immorality on a screen. I don’t think that’s entirely Biblical. He mentions that alchohol is ok in moderation, I don’t think that’s what the Bible teaches. And so I just want to give a reminder, that if you are reading the book, just make sure to filter it through Scripture. The large majority of it will pass through.