The 6 Hardest Things (you'll ever try to do) #3- Not Get Divorced; Build your Life #16

Intro: WARNING- POSSIBLE TRIGGERS AHEAD.If you or your family have ever been touched by divorce, there may be some things in the text or sermon that trigger some negative emotions or reactions. We can never say enough about some subjects or include every nuance. I need God’s help & your grace. For that reason, we need to pray first.

I’ve had the privilege of officiating at a handful of weddings. Preachers have a running joke; “I don’t tie any slipknots.” It’s always been my practice to counsel the couples that I “tie the knot” for.

Thankfully, I can only remember one “knot” that slipped, & it’s a terrible feeling. The old statistics remain true- almost half of 1st time marriages end in divorce. Even more shocking, of all religious groups, evangelical protestants get divorced the most. Jesus can help us with this. If we understand what Jesus is telling us here & apply it, we can transform, not just our views of marriage, but our actual marriages.

Matthew 5:31–32, Furthermore it has been said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.

The word “furthermore” connects this paragraph to the one just before it, what Jesus said about adultery.Adultery and divorce are linked together- 60% of divorces are because of infidelity. It would be great if we could eliminate divorce, but to do so we have to eliminate the things that cause divorce. It’s hard to not get divorced, for 3 reasons:

1. We don’t HOLD Marriage in HIGH regard.

In v. 31, Jesus summarized the law concerning divorce from Deut 24:1–4, When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some uncleanness in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house…

Favor- grace, charm, a feeling of favorable regard (i.e., loving feeling)

Some uncleanness (erwath davar)- lit. naked thing (nothing specific), interpreted to mean something indecent, objectionable, or unseemly (English translations render it). It is used elsewhere to mean an “unclean thing” (human waste). It can’t refer to adultery, b/c the punishment for adultery was death (Lev. 20:10; Deut 22:22), so what does it mean?

In Jesus’ day, there was a raging debate about divorce between two schools of thought- one strict interpretation (it only referred to adultery) & the other very loose (it referred to anything- how she looked, how she cooked, etc.), but only the man could initiate divorce.

Remember, Jesus is teaching His disciples that they must have a righteousness greater than the scribes & the pharisees to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. The pharisees held to the strict view.

Later in Matthew, we will see how the pharisees tried to drag Jesus into this debate to discredit Him. Matthew 19:3–9, The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?” 4 And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Jesus’ answer was a non-answer. He redirected their question about divorce to God’s design for people: Marriage is designed to be the exclusive and inseparable union of a man & woman as husband & wife until death does them part- the union of two lives, two minds, two spirits, two bodies. Jesus’ answer to the divorce question is- What God has joined together, do not split apart (i.e., don’t get divorced).

Malachi 2:16, For the Lord God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Says the Lord of hosts. Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously.”

Divorce violates God’s image and does violence to your spouse. God holds marriage in high regard. It’s not a social construct, it’s a divine institution. It’s not allowed by the government; it’s ordained by God.

If we don’t have God’s view of marriage, it’s going to be hard to not get divorced.

2. We don’t see that our HEARTS are HARD.

Back to Matthew 19:3-9. Jesus’ response prompted them to ask a clarifying question- Matthew 19:7-9, 7 They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?” 8 He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”

Not only did Jesus uphold God’s intention for marriage, but He destroyed the intent of their question. Moses did not command divorce, he permitted it. Divorce was given as a concession because of the hardness of our hearts.

Marriage is hard because when two people come together, they bring more than their clothes, they bring more than their stuff, they bring all their baggage, all their quirks, all their faults, all their sins into it.

Marriage is hard because our hearts are hard. Jeremiah 17:9, The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; Who can know it?”

Proverbs 17:20, He who has a deceitful heart finds no good, and he who has a perverse tongue falls into evil. Titus 1:15, To the pure all things are pure, but to those who are defiled and unbelieving nothing is pure; but even their mind and conscience are defiled.

We don’t have to look hard to find something wrong with our marriage, we just need to look in the mirror. The only exception Jesus made for divorce is sexual immorality. Sexual immorality is a different word from adultery in the text, but the two are linked together.

Sexual immorality (porneia)- fornication, morally objectionable sexual acts like unchastity or prostitution. It’s the same word that described Israel’s unfaithfulness to God in Hosea (e.g., married Gomer).

Fornication (porneia) is a comprehensive word for marital unfaithfulness- adultery, homosexuality, bestiality, incest, etc. Those sins were punishable by death under the ancient Mosaic Law. Roman law prevented Jews from dealing out death sentences, so it limited their response to divorce.

Jesus took the highest possible view of marriage and combined it with an explanation of the hardness of our hearts to express that divorce hurts people, far beyond what we even imagine. Not getting divorced will be one of the hardest things we ever try to do because we don’t fully grasp the hurt that it leaves behind.

3. We don’t grasp the HURT it leaves behind.

Jesus statement in vs. 32 is shocking- Divorce for any reason except for sexual immorality causes someone else to commit adultery. How is that even possible?

To understand it, we have to get back to the scenario we read about it Deuteronomy 24:1-4, (after she is sent away) …2 when she has departed from his house, and goes and becomes another man’s wife, 3 if the latter husband detests her and writes her a certificate of divorce, puts it in her hand, and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her as his wife, 4 then her former husband who divorced her must not take her back to be his wife after she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the Lord, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance.

The text sets up a scenario in which a woman is made completely vulnerable & a victim of circumstance.Remember, Jesus said God did not design marriage for divorce. What God has joined together, do not separate. The Law allowed for divorce because our hearts are hard.

But the woman didn’t have a choice.If she burned the biscuits & her husband turned her out, she was straight out of luck, unless she went home or got remarried. A woman without a husband was left without a protector and a provider (e.g., Ruth).

ILL: The Woman at the Well may be the best example of this (John 4:6-26). Jesus said she’d had five husbands & the man she lived with now was not her husband.

Now, I’d always thought of her as promiscuous (& maybe she was), but knowing that women could not initiate divorce, & that mortality rates were high, she very well could have been divorced a couple times, widowed a couple times, & just doing what she could to survive. I’ve never thought of her as a victim, but maybe Jesus did.

Jesus’ conversation with the woman should be our model for how we address the matter of divorce & deal with those who have been divorced. Jesus was full of truth about her SITUATION, but full of grace because what she needed was a SAVIOR- and that was Him.

We need to see divorce and remarriage for what it is- an indication that we are seeking something that will never be satisfied in a spouse.

Statistics say that the most common reasons for divorce are:

Lack of Commitment- 75%

Infidelity- 60%

Arguing & excessive conflict- 58%

Married too young- 45%

Financial problems- 38%

We need to grasp this- no one will ever be as committed to you as Jesus is, no one will never be as faithful to you as Jesus is, no one will ever be as understanding with you as Jesus is, no one will ever stick with you like Jesus will, and no one will ever meet your needs like Jesus will.

You may find that marriage will HELP you, but it will never HEAL you. You may find that divorce will HELP you, but it will never HEAL you. You may find that remarriage will HELP you, but it will never HEAL you.

E.g., Your spouse cannot COMPLETE you, only Jesus can do that.

Jesus is full of grace and truth, and His response to the woman at the well was full of grace and truth. Jesus’ example should be our model for responding to people who have been the victims or culprits of divorce.

The Truth: God designed marriage to be the exclusive & inseparable union of a man & a woman as a husband & wife until death parts them. When we marry, we should not be thinking of divorce as an option.

The Truth: We are sinners and that makes us selfish. We want the other person to perfectly meet our needs, but they can’t do it. When we force a divorce & cause our spouse to remarry, we don’t understand the terrible hurts it leaves behind- it creates a scenario where if they weren’t unfaithful but remarry, it causes them to commit adultery.

Grace: I have seen how God walks with people through divorce & even blesses 2nd marriages. The Gospel redeems the hardest of marriages, the most broken of hearts, the situations that seem the most hopeless, and does what only God can do- make all things new. So, whether you’re a victim, or the culprit, there is grace for you through Jesus.