Marriage 101

Read Ephesians 5:21-33.

Music “Love and Marriage”

Marriage Chuckle: All Dolled Up

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

Marriage Chuckle: The Key To A Good Marriage

I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

Needless to say men and women are wired very differently. There have been studies done on the differences of a man’s brain versus a woman’s brain.

Pictures of Brains

The man’s brain information pretty much stays back to front in each lobe

A woman’s brain information is transferred and crisscrossed between both sides

A woman’s brain according to research never stops. Which allows for them to multitask.

Emotions attached to a memory is what makes those memories stick

Women as a rule are also more emotionally driven and because of this they are able to remember things better than men.

Men they keep everything separate in there minds. Imagine a room full of boxes. Each box has its subject and the boxes don’t touch the other boxes.

This is why men as a rule cannot multitask.

If we have a box open we talk about that subject

Men even have a “Nothing” box, we are actually capable of sitting down and to literally think about nothing.

This does not compute with women…

If we are sitting quietly what happens? They will ask, “What are you thinking about?” To which we say, nothing! This of course generally doesn’t sit well, because for women this just is not possible. Their brains are always going a million miles per hour and they are think about everything all at once.

God designed us differently and it is these differences which Paul writes about in Eph. 5.

Men Desire/Need Respect

Women Desire/Need Love

We all know this… so then why is this so difficult for us to do on a consistent basis in our marriages?

Let’s go back a little over 6,000yrs ago…

Genesis 3:16 (NASB95)

To the woman He said, “I will greatly multiply Your pain in childbirth, In pain you will bring forth children; Yet your desire will be for your husband, And he will rule over you.”

Keep in mind this was part of the curse given after Adam and Eve sinned…

Prior to the fall there was perfect harmony between Adam and Eve and God, after the fall is when marriage troubles began.

Your Desire - carries two meanings

1. A woman will have a tendency to desire a position of authority over the man

2. The desire for her husband will no longer be pure but be driven by manipulation

He Will Rule - Instead of leading in love, because of man’s fallen nature, men will have a tendency to be harsh, physical, and be exploitative in their rule.

The Old Adam failed… but Jesus Christ the Second Adam gives us a solution to our marriage problems here in Eph. 5.

Ephesians 5:21–24 (NASB95)

and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.

But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

When scripture says “wives be subject,” in verse 22 the words “be subject” are not in the original Greek. It should read “Wives to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”

It is however mentioned in verse 24 in comparison to the Church and Christ.

So what does “Subject or in some translation submission mean?

Let us be clear that this does NOT mean or equal servitude or imply some sort of inferiority!

Ephesians 5:21 (NASB95)

and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ.

Which is why submission is to each other not just for the wife to the husband.

Why?

Peter reminds us in 1 Peter 3:7

1 Peter 3:7 (NASB95)

You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

Men and women are equal in God’s sight there is not a sense of one over the other. However, there are different roles put in place by God and these roles are by design.

Studies show - women are by nurturers, whereas men are protectors. Instead of trying to merge these God given designs, we ought to be celebrating them.

We see this in comedies - mom leaves for the week and what happens? Dad feeds the kids cake instead of feeding them proper meals.

Dad’s rough houses with the kids

Mom, she makes sure the kids are fed, teeth brushed, she may even do that for some of us men!

Where things have gotten out of balance is men have failed to step up to the plate and lead, so more women are leading by taking their families to church for example, because men are not doing their job.

For the women, we see the example of submission to Christ in Verse 24… the church is to be subject or in submission to Christ.

He (Christ) is the Savior of the Church

He is the Shepherd of His sheep

He is the example to be followed

So are men to be to their wives and their families.

So scripture states wives are to be submissive, what about men?

Ephesians 5:25–30 (NASB95)

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,

that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;

for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.

“Husbands, love your wives!”

Again just like the church the Christ, we are given the example of Christ love of the Church as our guiding principle.

Notice the words “so that” in verse 26. I wonder if Paul would have not put reasoning behind husbands love your wives, how many of us would have argued with the statement?

Paul you don’t understand…

I have tried, but if my wife hasn’t had her morning coffee yet…

You understand… my wife she is like this or like that…

So that is followed by 5 things:

Sanctify - sanctify is to set apart.

Husbands and wives are to be set apart themselves for each other

This means you are not sharing yourself with other people in way that is designed only for your spouse.

This is obviously in the physical sense but also in your mind.

Your spouse is to be unique and special to you.

Cleansed her by the washing of water with the word - Just as Christ is cleansing the church by the washing of His Word, so the love of the husband to his wife is to be washing and cleansing the two of them to become more like Christ!

Present her glory - we present our wives in glory by honoring her, and not using her for our own selfish desires.

Having no spot or wrinkle… is not talking about aging. Unfortunately we can’t stop the aging process… but it is talking about not being influenced and defiled by the world. James 1:27 reminds us “to keep oneself unstained by the world.”

She would holy and blameless - The marriage relationship is supposed to be an example outward example of Christ and Church. When we are operating the way God intended us to within our marriage it gives us opportunity to be a wittiness to others.

Let’s skip down to verse 33…

Ephesians 5:33 (NASB95)

Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

We are given two commands here… they are not optional. In fact I would state that if you are not doing these you are in sin.

To often marriages live the married life in what Dr. Emmerson in his book “Love and Respect”, calls “The Crazy Cycle.”

We have convinced ourselves we only have to love our wives if they show respect us and wives think they only need to show respect their husbands if they are loving to them.

Sometimes in marriages that work at it we manage to get into what is called the “The Energizing Cycle.”

What happens here is one or both begins to love and show respect which energizes a proper response back. However, even this is not sustainable because eventually our fallen flesh fails and the cycle is broken.

What Paul is commanding us to do here is what Dr. Emmerson has coined as “The Rewarded Cycle.”

When we operate in “The Rewarded Cycle,” it is no longer loving or respecting for results of our spouse but because of our love for Christ!

Where the first Adam failed and caused a curse on marriage relationships, the Second Adam (Jesus Christ) is saying, love and respect one another because you love me…

Men when we decide to lay aside ourselves, and love our wives, regardless of their response but because Christ first loved us… and Ladies when you are willing to respect your husband out of your love for Christ, regardless of his response, then I can guarantee to you great things can happen…

Do you want a fulfilling marriage?

Then its time to Love and Respect without expectation.

Prayer