Government of the Family

Introdution

Opening: In every wedding I have ever officiated, there is a line towards the beginning, where I remind everybody in the room about God’s design of the family. I say, “The family is the foundational building block of society. It is a way of life created and hallowed by God.” For some in the room, no doubt, this is common wedding language, but for astute listeners, they will realize that it is far from standard language. That sentence reveals a core understanding of the Scriptures, and how God has designed society to flourish.

Four Governments: As a reminder, we are in week two of a four week sermon series titled Biblical Governance. And we are trying to expand our understanding of government, by considering the four different governments described in the Bible. Last week we considered self-government, and the importance of managing one’s own life to the glory of God. Today we will consider the authority granted to a family by God and how God expects that family to wield authority properly in order that the world might be impacted by it.

Disclaimer: I want to begin with a few very important pastoral words. First, the main topic is God’s vision for the family as a government unto itself. And so we are going to be painting the ideal picture of family structure according to the Scriptures. While it is very important for us to have a good solid picture of how things ought to go, its important that I recognize up front that in many ways things don’t always go the way they ought to. We live in a fallen world. So, a few words up front to a three different groups

Broken Background: First, for some family is very difficult to speak about because you came from such a broken family. Maybe you had an abusive father or mother, or maybe you had a parent that disowned you. To you I want to minister by saying, God redeems our stories. He meets where we are at, and minister to us in a way only he can. Know I have prayed for you this week, and I do hope this sermon blesses you.

Single / Divorced Parents: In this room are quite a lot single parents. For all kinds of different reasons. Today as I share about the importance of a mother and father in a child’s life, I need to speak about that very directly and paint God’s compelling picture, but I also want to say we see you. And we recognize the incredible difficulty of being a single parent. I do hope that in some ways, this Church alleviates some of those difficulties by providing deep relationship and blessing.

Singles: The third group I want to speak to is our singles community. As I preach on the family, some of you are going to be in your seats saying “I want that so bad, but its just not happening, and I’m getting older.” I want to make sure you know two things. First, while today we will talk about the beauty of marriage, the New Testament speaks about the beauty of singleness to the glory of God. So this is not a one-is-more-than-the-other. Second, in November we are doing a short series on godly singleness and dating in our Academy Lunches & I strongly encourage you to participate in that time of equpping.

Context - Household Codes: Our text today is Ephesians 5:22-6:4. This is one of the most important texts in the New Testament on marriage and the family. It comes in a section of Paul’s letter to the Ephesians commonly referred to as a Household Code. It’s instructions for households, and its purpose was to teach each member in the household (husband, a wife, and their children) what their duties were to each other and to God. We must see that this section flows right out of the previous paragraph which is discussing the joy and the spirit-filledness of the Christisan life. In other words Paul is saying, “Be filled with the Spirit and by joyful with hymns and do everything for Christ. Now practically, here is what that looks like in the home.”

Let’s read the text, and then I am going to structure today’s sermon around three main questions.

Ephesians 5:22–32 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refer…”

Meaning & Application

I WHAT IS THE AUTHORITY GRANTED TO FAMILIES?

First, let us begin by answering the question, ‘What authority has been granted to families?” We can begin addressing this question by jumping down to the middle of our passage. In verse 31, the Apostle pulls from the Genesis creation story, the story of Adam and Eve, to make his point.

Ephesians 5:31–32 ““Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”

The point Paul makes here is that when a husband and a wife come together in holy matrimony, there is a divine mystery that occurs, where those two individuals become one, underneath the covenant of marriage. Their oneness is so complete that Paul can say in verse 28 that “he who loves his wife loves himself.”

Culture: Today, we are in a cultural battle about attempting to define a family, and what a family can look like. On the one is the new progressive definition of a family. This group believes that a family mean whatever we want it to mean. It can two men who love each other. Or for other groups it can mean three or four or five people who are a mutually loving relationship. On the other side are those who hold to a historic, biblical perspective. The historic Biblical perspective is that we are not free to define the bounds or the purposes of marriage because we did not create it. God gave us marriage and family for His glory and our good. Therefore, he not only gets to define it, but he is alone is wise enough to understand how to structure it so that it produces life and goodness and virture and beauty.

Five Practical Authorities: And so what then is the purpose and bounds of the family as a government with authority granted to it? What does Gods say on the issue, beyond that it is to be between one man and one woman for life. Let me suggest five very clear responsibilities assigned to the family unit.

The Smallest Unit of Love: One, according to our passage today, the family unit is the smallest unit where the ethic of love can be fostered, nurtured, and applied.

Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,”

In the family unit, God has ordained a group of individuals who are covenanted together in love. Again, in a fallen filled with sin, this can fall apart in many ways. But, God’s design is that the ethic of love be incubated within the context of a family. How many articles have we read about those early formative years of children, and if the family is stressful, how the mind is set up for all of life in the direction. The family is intended to be God’s incubator of love to establish right and healthy living.

Be Fruitful & Multiply: Second, in our passage we see that children are an intended part of the family. In fact in Genesis, Adam and Eve are commanded to “be fruitful and multiply.” In other words, have lots of babies. God’s plan for populating the Earth was the covenant of marriage. His design is good. Today, birth rates around the globe are free falling. And Christian marriages should not buy the lie that we need to wait a long time before having babies. “Be fruitful and multiply.”

The Proper Protection of Vulnerable: Third, the proper protection of the vulnerable. In a family, the husband is the defender of the family. God has so ordained that women and children would have a primary means of defense in a fallen world. And that means of defense is the shoulders of their husband, who is committed to providing and defending those in his charge.

Government Responsible to God Alone: Fourth, the family is a government unto itself responsible to God alone. There are four links in the chain of command. Christ is the head of every family. The next line of authority falls to the husband who is submitted unto Christ. The next line of authority is the wife, who is submitted unto the husband. And lastly, the children are submitted unto the father and the mother. Notice, the civil government in not in there. What I mean is that a family unit is established by God to govern itself underneath the authority and direction of God. So, just as we saw last week, that an individual must reject any lesser authority who tells them to do something they disagree with. So ought a family, as a unit, submitted to God alone, reject lesser authorities (like the Civil Government, or the a rogue Church) who command false behavior.

The Display of the Gospel: Fifth and finally, the family is the great display of the gospel to the watching world. After explaining the union of a husband and wife in marriage, the Apostle writes,

Ephesians 5:32 “This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”

Just as Christ demonstrated his love for his bride, the Church, by dying for her on the cross, forgiving her sins, so is a husband called to love his wife. That their marriage would showcase self-sacrificial love of Christ to everyone who looks in, both Christian and nonChristian alike. A well run marriage is a beauty to behold.

II WHAT ARE THE UNIQUE ROLES & DUTES OF A HUSBAND & WIFE TOWARDS ONE ANOTHER?

The second question we will address is ‘What are the unique roles and duties of a husband and wife towards one another. In other words, we have seen the big picture of the purpose of the family as God designed it. Now let’s look at the roles.

Head / Helper/ Leaders: Immediately in our passage we jump into what the world around us considers very controversial language. We see that wives are to “submit to their husbands.” And that husbands are called to be the “head” of their household. We do notice that Paul immediately protects that language by insisting that husbands love their wives as Christ loved the Church. The order of a family can never become tyrrany of the stronger. The order is designed to foster spirit-filledness in the home. This language is not unique to this one part of Scripture. This is in fact, the overwhelming testimony of God’s good design.

Colossians 3:18 “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”

1 Peter 3:1 “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands…”

But if you jump down to chapter six, that children are to “obey” both the mother and the father. In a properly function household, there are two leaders to whom the children obey and honor. Among those two leaders, the husband serves as the head of the house, and the wife serves as his helper. When this works, when each member finds their role and does it to the glory of God, families flourish, and society flourishes. My aim is to show you the beauty of this design, to make you pant after this design in your own marriages and homes.

Genesis: Let us go backwards a bit into the book of Genesis to get a bit more color one what this means. There, after God had created all the animals and placed Adam as a King essentially, in the center of the Garden we read the following.

Genesis 2:18-22 “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him… So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.”

Helper “For Him”: Notice what was Eve’s purpose? Why was she made? She was made to be a “helper for him.” Eve was not made to do the exact same mission as Adam. Her mission was different. Adam’s mission was to tend to the garden. Eve’s mission was to tend to “the gardener.”

Ezer: Further, we have another bit of language, that of “helper.” What a word that is. That word is a Hebrew [ezer] which is not a word of weakness but of strength and beauty. In fact, this word is used twenty-one times in the Old Testament. Only two of those cases refer to the woman’s role. Three times it refers to powerful nations that Israel calls upon to help in times of war. The remaining sixteen times refers to God as our helper. Of course when we think of God as our helper, we do not think of God as weak or inferior to us. No, rather he comes alongside us, he aids us, he strenghtens us, he guides us. Both husbands and wives are looking to God to understand how to do their role better. Husbands, you want to lead, look to God for those principles. When wives are prayerfully asking how can I be a good “helper” to my husband, they should look to God, the great ezer, the great helper.

God Equipped Us For Our Mission: This is very important. God gave different missions to men and to women. And he equipped physically to accomplish the particular missions he assigned us. If God had planned for Eve to have the exact same mission as Adam, he would have made her just the same. But he didn’t. We are physically different because we have different missions from God.

Men: Men have broader shoulders and are exponentially stronger than women. Men have thicker/denser skin, we have more explosive strength, we have typically more weight. Men’s bones are denser than female bones. We have more fast twitched muscles. We have testosterone that amplifes all these giftings. These are the types physical attributes that would be needed for provision and protection.

Women: Women, on the other hand, while weaker in a physical sense, are much stronger in many other capacities. Women are more nurturing than men. Women typically have much higher scores on sympathy and compassion than men. Women are far more verbal than men. Women are typically less task oriented and more relationally oriented. And let us not forget that women can make babies grow in their womb and feed them after their born. That’s incredible!

The point I am making, is that the physical and mental differences between mena nd women are not accidental. And further, we must not shy away from them, or be embarassed them, but embrace them as God designed differences, and learn to complement each other in the structure of the family.

The Curse: This same concept, of our natural differences is seen again in Genesis 3 when God gives the curse. The curse given to Adam and all men was that their mission of tending to the garden would be difficult. The ground would create thorns and thistles. Because work and provision was man’s mission. To the woman, her pain in childbearing would increase. Because nurture and the raising of children would be her primary mission.

Husband: So, let us get quite practical. What does this look like. Men, very few of us use our muscles, in the same way that Adam did. I primarily work out of an office and coffee shops. So what is our responsibility? What is your mission in your family?

Lead: First, is leadership. A husband is to lead his family. Both phsyically and spiritually. In our passage, this is why husbands are referred to as the “head of the wife.” This means, that the husbands sets the pace for the household and what our family will be about. A husband should be the spiritual leader of a house, demontrating with his life, that he loves and cares for those he has been given authority over. His leadership should not domineering or hard or crushing, but gentle, nurturing, and direct.

Provide: Second, a husband should provide for his family. A husband’s responsibility is to work and provide income for his family to live. This does not mean that a wife can help in this area (we’ll discuss that more in a minute), but it does mean the chief shoulders upon whom this responsibilty falls, is the husband. He must provide. He must work.

Defend: Third, a husband is to defend his family. This may, from time to time mean using your physical size to protect against those who mean members of your family physical harm. In that situation, you use your body to defend your wife and children. But more often than not, this means other ways of protecting. We protect our families from making bad decisions, from bad theology, from bad influences. We are to guard our home.

Women: Wives, what is your mission and how can you live this out practically in your home. One image you might think of is that of a Top Gun pilot. If you saw the new Top Gun movie, you saw that typically pilots go out into battle with two people. One person flying, the other, is in the back seat helping them. They have eyes looking around and giving guidance and support however its needed. This is a great image of a healthy marriage. If its just the pilot, there is a lot he will miss, but with a helper, together, they become far more lethal and effective

Support: First, a woman’s mission is to be a “helper” to her husband. Therefore her first mission should be one of support. How can I support my husband as he carries out the mission assigned to him. How can I alleviate some of the pressures he might feel and experience? How can I take care of other aspects of our family life so that he can be freed up to complete his mission? If you were to read the famous passage in Proverbs 31 about the “ideal wife,” we see that the ideal wife is one who is very busy with all kinds of labors having to do with the behind the scenes overall welfare of the family. She is taking care of all kinds of tasks that support her husband.

Nurture: Second, a wife and mother should lean into her nurturing gifts. God has made a mother as the primary nurturer of a family. When there are young children in a family, a mother’s primary role is the nurturing of those children. There is a warmth, and a mothering, that can fill a home with joy, and happiness. This responsibility cannot be fully delegated to anyone else.

Manage: Third, a wife is to manage the home. If the husband is the CEO of a family, the wife is the COO. The term the Apostle Paul utilizes is “homemaker.” in Titus 2 we read,

Titus 2:4–5 “Older women are to… train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”

That phrase “working at home” is one word, its best translation is “homemaker.” The idea is that a godly wife manages her home. From her children, to the meals, to the pickups and dropoffs and everything that goes into managing an entire household. She is to oversee that, and insodoing, to bless her whole family. She turns a house, into a home filled with warmths and proper order.

III WHAT ARE THE MOST COMMON PRACTICAL QUESTIONS ON THIS TOPIC

I would like to take a few moments and address the two biggest questions that I receive on this topic. One more aimed for the women, and one more aimed for the men.

Women: The question I often receive from young married couples has to do nurturing children at home after they’ve been born, or going back to their career. I have learned that this is a very sensitive and personal subject. I have also learned, over many years that sometimes I am the only person in a young couple’s life who asks some important questions. And so I want to equip those in this room with helpful pastoral advice on navigating that huge decision.

Remember the Principle: First, remember the principle. A mother’s first and primary responsibility is to the nurture and care of her husband, her home, and her children.

Consider Complications: Second, lets remember that everyone’s circumstance is so different. There are financial questions, and extenuating circumstances, all kinds of things that can make this decision so difficult.

It is Possible: Third, let’s remember it is potentially possible to prioritize the duty of nurturing young children and maintain a career at the same time. There are women in this Church who I think do that valiantly. And I believe they would tell you, it is not easy.

Reason: But fourth, ask yourself what is the reason for going back to work. For some, the reason is just because no one ever told them they don’t have to. That its a good and beautiful and wonderful thing to stay home when the children are young. That should not be considered a second-string in any way. It’s a noble calling.

Make It Possible: Fifth, think about these things early in a marriage, so that you’re not rushing a decision when you get pregnant. As I have counseled before, you may early on choose to live on one income, and save and give the other, so that when a child comes and the wife stays home, you don’t have to make big adjustments.

There is so much more I could say, and so many more questions I could address, but that is by far away the most common.

Men: A second question related to the family is more aimed towards our men. Men, I challenged you today that in a properly functioning marriage and family, the man ought to be the spiritual leader. But what should a man do if he is less spiritually mature than his wife. This is very common.

Celebrate our Wives: First, we can celebrate and learn from our wives. If God has given you a more mature wife, learn from her, let her faith inspire you!

Lead Courageously: Second, build rhythms of taking steps of faith and leading courageously. Tell your wife you would like to begin praying over the family and over the marriage daily, and lead it.

Women Let Them Lead: To the wives, let them lead. A man may need practice at these things. He doesn’t need to be treated like an infant, or congratulated. If you see him taking steps of intentional leadership in the home, honor him, and submit to that leadership.

Aim to Excel: Have a long term plan to catch up to your wife, and perhaps to pass her up. In other words, don’t settle for the idea that you will always be less mature than your wife. God is so good. Keep pursuing Christ. Be steady. Be humble. Be faithful. Be a good husband. And one day, some years from now, you may look around and realize, you really are leading the house now. Praise God!

Conclusion

I will close with a reminder of the heart of this passage. The heart of this passage is Jesus Christ. The heart of this passage is Paul’s effort to say, see what Christ has done for you. He died for you. He loves you. He filled you with the Holy Spirit. Now, this is how you ought to live as a result, in order that Christ might be glorified in and through you. Every one of us in this room has areas to grow in this discussion. Every man needs to constantly be refreshed in Christ in order to love his bride and children like Christ. Every woman needs to constantly be refreshed in Christ, in order to love her husband and her children in a way that glorifies God. May Christ get the glory in and through our families, and may we get the joy and fruit of Christian living.