The Attitudes of Conflict Resolution

Introduction

After the messages last week, I have been burdened about this issue of conflict resolution. Last week we dealt with one of the negative attitudes that results from unresolved conflict. I know that sometimes conflict cannot always be resolved, but we ought to pursue being peacemakers if at all possible. This week I want to talk about the positive attitudes of conflict resolution. To do that we are going to look at a passage from the Sermon on the Mount. The sermon starts with what are called the beatitudes.

I once saw a bulletin board challenges kids with the bee attitudes and it had a picture of a bumblebee on it. I thought it was kinda cute. But these are attitudes that Jesus wan’t all his children to have. Lets go ahead and read vs 1-12.

Objections:

Some people may object to applying this passage as a guide for conflict resolution; so I want to deal with two common objections to preaching on this passage.

I would argue that Jesus does have conflict in mind with the world outside of us when in vs 10-12 speak about being reviled, persecuted and lied about. Jesus understands that living as a Christian in this world will not be easy.

I would also argue that conflict is in mind when Jesus tells us in vs 9 Blessed are the peacemakers. Peacemakers is defined by google as a person who brings about peace especially by reconciling adversaries.

Others who take a really strong dispensational stance may argue that none of the Sermon on the Mount is for the Christian. I have to say at the outset, I am a dispensationalist but not the traditional or hyper dispensationalist kind. Traditional dispensationalism looks at the Sermon on the Mount as a sermon for the Kingdom and so it does not apply to Christians in the church age. This view fails to take into account a full view of the kingdom of God which scripture teaches has all ready been inaugurated in the hearts of believers but will find its full completion in the Millennial kingdom.

Here is the problem with saying that the sermon on the Mount has nothing to do with me:

Jesus spoke these words to the disciples who were the foundation of the Church Ephesians 2:20 “And are built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ himself being the chief corner stone;”

When Jesus spoke of the persecution that would come, he spoke in the future tense

In the Great Commission, Jesus told his disciples to teach all things that he taught them Matthew 28:19–20 “Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.”

To ignore the teaching in this sermon, you must also refuse to claim the promises in it.

The teachings of this sermon are found scattered throughout the rest of the NT.

So as we look at the beatitudes it is important for us to understand that it is for us and it does have something to do with conflict in our lives.

Much of the way conflict is handled comes down to the way it is handled. When I taught on the principles of communication, I referenced Proverbs 15:1 “A soft answer turneth away wrath: But grievous words stir up anger.” to show that the tone of an argument always falls on the person who responds. I may not be able to control the outcome of the argument, but I can make sure my response is correct and my attitude is godly. So when conflict arises, we must remember to approach it with these attitudes:

Humility

Matthew 5:3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

The first attitude that we are to have when dealing with conflict is humility. The phrase our bibles use is poor in spirit, but what does that mean? The phrase means little in spirit. It is not a physical poverty but a destitute soul. From this we gather, that this is a person whose spirit is humbled. It doesn’t think much of itself. It recognizes its own sin. It recognizes its own inability to be righteous. And it is appreciative for all that God has forgiven them.

1. A humble person approaches conflict aware of their own faults. So often conflicts arise because of unjust judgment of others. We expect people to be what we are not. We are more than willing to overlook our own failures, but are not willing to overlook the failures of others. In fact we get upset when ours are brought up, but we do not hesitate to bring up their faults. Later on in Matt 7, Jesus would challenge us not to judge hypocritically by using the analogy of the beam and the speck in the eye. A humble person first removes the beam from his own life before lovingly confronting another.

2. A humble person approaches conflict aware that they have been forgiven much. It is easier to resolve conflict when I know that I have done much worse and yet God has forgiven me. We all know the story of the servant who was forgiven a great debt by his master. Immediately he went out and found another servant who owed him a smaller amount and demanded repayment. When the other servant couldn’t repay he cast him into jail. When his master heard what he had done this is what he said: Matthew 18:32–33 “Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?”

Grief

Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.”

The second attitude of conflict resolution is grief. Here Jesus say those who mourn. There are many reasons to mourn, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, the pain that you feel, betrayal; but it is appropriate to mourn over conflict. Why would we be grieved over conflict that has arisen?

The strain on the relationship. If we value the relationship, it ought to cause grief when their is conflict. An absence of grief reveals a lack of love.

The sin that may have caused the conflict. Not all conflicts are the result of actual sin; sometimes it is merely a misunderstanding. In 1 Cor 13 we are told that charity doesn’t rejoice in iniquity. It isn’t excited when some fails.

The destruction that conflict causes. Conflict and its causes hurt. Maybe we hurt someone else; so we ought to grieve that we did. Maybe they have hurt us; so we grieve. But we grieve because something that may have been good before has now been made bad.

Gentleness

Matthew 5:5 “Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.”

The third attitude is meekness. Meekness is defined as strength under control. You could squash the other person by lashing out or fighting your way through the conflict but instead you choose to hold back. Moses is called the meekest man on the earth because day after day Israel complained against God, but their attacks were lobed against Moses. When he was given a chance to wipe them all out, Moses pled for their lives.

Closely associated with meekness is gentleness. Rather than being rough, I respond in gentleness. Colossians 4:6 “Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.” The bible described Jesus in Isaiah 42:3 “A bruised reed shall he not break, And the smoking flax shall he not quench: He shall bring forth judgment unto truth.” He brings judgment and truth, but in doing so he doesn’t break a wounded reed, he doesn’t burn up a singed piece of flax. He is gentle with the hurting and conflict always brings about hurt.

Seeking Righteousness

Matthew 5:6 “Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.”

Do you want what is truly right in a situation? Do you hunger and thirst after righteousness. Righteousness is basically what is right and good and holy in God’s sight. There are certain ways of acting that do not bring glory to God.

1 Corinthians 10:31 “Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God.” Included in that whatsoever ye do is dealing with conflict.

How you argue is just as important as what you argue about? Every one of these points could be summarized by righteousness. But the simplest way to know if your response is righteous is to ask yourself Does this bring glory to God?

Mercy

Matthew 5:7 “Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.”

Sometimes the other person really did do something wrong and maybe they don’t even know how bad it hurt you. The fourth essential attitude of conflict resolution is mercy. God is described as a God rich in Mercy in

Ephesians 2:4 “But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us,” But what enabled him to be merciful, his great love. Love is the root of all of this, but it is essential in showing mercy.

What is mercy? Mercy is leniency and compassion showed toward an offender by someone who has the right to judge. It is not a denial of their guilt otherwise there would be no need for mercy, but it is being lenient toward them. It is also showing compassion which involved understanding where they are coming from, feeling for the struggle that they have, loving them.

Purity

Matthew 5:8 “Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.”

The phrase pure in heart speaks of being spiritually clean, morally pure. Are you right with God? Has sin been dealt with in your life? This phrase is most likely a reference back to

Psalm 24:3–4 “Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord? Or who shall stand in his holy place? He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; Who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, Nor sworn deceitfully.”

We already saw in Matt 7 that we are to deal with our own problems first before trying to lovingly confront someone else. But we need to do a real thorough self-examination when we are in conflict with someone else. Ask

Am I guilty of the things I see in this other person?

Have I dealt with all known sin in my life?

Am I walking with the Lord as close as I can?

Is there any part of what they say that is true of me?

Peacemakers

Matthew 5:9 “Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.”

This really is our key verse tonight. We ought to be striving to be peacemakers. But if you are ever going to be a peacemaker, you have to pursue peace. When there is conflict, we want to fight for our way. We want to win the argument. Defend ourselves. A peacemaker is going to prioritize peace.

Now there are those who would rather be a door mat and let people abuse them, and take advantage of them because they don’t like conflict. Sometimes issues cannot be settled without going through the conflict. You cannot run from every problem. In fact the person who lets people run all over them is not seeking true peace. They are seeking a fake peace. True peace is found in whole, healthy, resolved relationships. A peacemaker wants to truly resolve the conflict and that may mean loving confrontation.

How are men made at peace with God? Part of that process is going to involve confronting them with the guilt of their sin. We do it in love and we seek to push past that to the forgiveness that Jesus offers. But as we saw last week, forgiveness is conditioned on confession and repentance. That may mean that peacemaking involves seeking the other person’s confession and repentance.

Sacrifice

Matthew 5:10 “Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

The final attitude of conflict resolution is sacrifice. Being persecuted for doing right and not fighting back. 1 Peter 2:21–23 “For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: Who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: Who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously:”

Jesus Christ left us an example to follow when it comes to suffering at the hands of others which another way of saying that is experiencing conflict with others. Peter says we are to follow in his steps. Live like this:

He did no sin- make sure you didn’t do anything wrong

He did not revile back again- he didn’t throw out accusations back at the people. When they mocked him on the cross and said hail king of the Jews, he didn’t throw it back in their face. We need to be careful about trying to turn the tables on arguments. Our wife says Honey, you forgot to take the trash out today and we respond well you didn’t wash the dishes.

He did not threaten- Jesus wasn’t on the cross saying God is going to damn you all to hell; rather he said Father forgive them for they know not what they do. Do we respond with threats? If you don’t stop, I’m leaving. Because you said this to me, I am never going to talk to you again.

Jesus trusted that God would bring justice. This is a consistent teaching in scripture and we will see it again next week. But God can take care of our problems. He can right the wrong. He can defend our reputation.

Sometimes in order to resolve a conflict we must set ourselves aside. Sacrifice our ego, our right to be treated well, our right to be right.

Conclusion

The very first word of every one of these verses is blessed. Sometimes we think happiness will only come by getting our way, defending ourselves, making the other person pay; but in reality those are the pathways to bitterness, pain and misery. God’s way is the best way. The passage ends with these words Rejoice and be exceeding glad why for great is your reward in heaven. Every one of these verses followed up with a promise of reward. These rewards may not be experienced this side of heaven, but there is coming a day when God will make all things right.

I may approach conflict with all these right attitudes and it may not resolve the way I hoped. But God will make all things right someday. That brother who treated you wrong will see the truth in heaven and it will be made right. That lost relationship will be regained if they know the Lord. God will wipe away every tear from our eyes. But we can move forward in our efforts to be peacemakers knowing that this is the true way to experience Joy and blessing.