Grief
Notes
Transcript
Have you ever had or known someone who has had, that gut punch of grief? It can be brought on by something like a daunting diagnosis, the loss of a family member, the loss of a job, and even the loss of a beloved pet. When in the midst of grief sometimes it’s difficult to tell what direction is what. Emotions run from calm to raging anger, from depression to determination, and seemingly everything in between.
Mental health experts tell us is it possible to get stuck in our grief. It is also possible to move through it. There are healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with grief.
In chapter 3 of the Book of Job, we see our main character finally (or so it seems) enter into the throes of grief. He’s gone from sitting on his pile of ashes, (airquotes) worshipping, to a full throated desire to curse the day he was born. It feels stark by contrast and yet for us who have experienced grief it’s not surprising.
You may be familiar with the Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle published in 1969 by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying. The five stages were laid out as
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Much has been written about this over the years, but suffice it to say it is not a linear cycle as some people seek to tell us. Not everyone will experience all of them, or go through them in the same way.
So, getting rid of the linear model, it likely looks more like this. You can move from any one stage to any one of the other stages however the emotions run. It is also important to note again, you may not experience all of these. However you view grief, the most important thing to recognize is that it is real.
If we were to consider Job thus far in our study we began and after his loss of all of his 500 yoke of oxen, and 500 female donkeys, 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, many servants all ten of his children ON THE SAME DAY!
Is it any wonder that he fell to his knees? Is it any wonder he mourned? Is it any wonder, his wife who had experience this all along with him and then seeing him suffering from sores from the sole of his foot to the top of his head would want him to do whatever it was to end his misery?
And we get to chapter three with Job lamenting his birth.
He uses depictions of darkness, death, and the Leviathan (also known as the chaos monster). These are to be contrasted with light, life, and peace.
He goes on to say in vs. 13, Job 3:23
Why is light given to a man whose way is hidden, whom God has hedged in?
Let’s pause here for a bit and consider the truths in this verse.
As we look at this verse I want to ask you a question - have you ever wished God would simply give you a roadmap so that you would know what is coming down the pike?
Imagine if you’d known 6 months prior you would be laid off. Or that your car would break down. That the hot water heater would go belly up. Or that you would experience a health crisis. Wouldn’t it be great to be able to prepare? You could save up to weather the lay off until the next job. You would be able to consider options such as a new car before your car died. You would be able to mentally prepare for that health diagnosis.
You would be able to prepare, plan ahead, avert the crises, and press on in your life without the panic, the pressure, the grief. You’d be able to get your support system in place. You’d be able to be self-sufficient. Oh, wait…perhaps that’s part of the problem.
I’ve often thought the reason God doesn’t tell us what is coming next is because we’d see another shiny object and say, “Couldn’t I have that instead?” This week I’ve become even more convinced that the reason God doesn’t give us the plan ahead of time is because we would be even more prone to attempting to go through it without God as part of the process.
We would be even more prone to believing that we knew best and there would be no seeking after God. There would be no calling out to God. There would be no RELATIONSHIP with God.
Instead, Job is in the throws of grief. Where he started in what might be considered as “denial” he is now clearly angry and thus in that stage of anger. Ironically in the midst of this he laments that the way is not only hidden, but that “God has hedged [him] in.”
If we go back to Job chapter 1 that was part of Satan’s argument against God’s view of righteousness of Job. Job 1:9-10
Job 1:9–10 (ESV)
Then Satan answered the Lord and said, “Does Job fear God for no reason? Have you not put a hedge around him and his house and all that he has…”
Whereas Satan had said that the hedge was one of protection for Job, now in 3:23, Job sees it as something very different.
Why is light given to a man whose way is hidden, whom God has hedged in?
Now the hedge is something that hides the way. It is a limitation that is frustrating to Job. He would go on and say his “sighing comes instead of bread and his groanings are poured out like water.”
This week as I thought about hedges hiding the way I thought about some of the royal gardens I’ve seen in movies and the like. Where the hedges are high and create a maze to get lost in for a while. The path - or right way out is hidden. Or one might think of Corn Mazes that are such a popular part of fall activities. The way is hidden, the boundaries prevent us from seeing the path.
That brought me to think about the boundaries God sets for us. I remembered Psalm 139, perhaps you are familiar with it.
Psalm 139:1–4 “O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.”
You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.
Psalm 139:6 “Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.”
The psalmist writing these words (it’s attributed to King David) clearly is in a very different place than Job is at this point. The psalmist sees the boundaries as an incredible blessing.
Ask any teenager experiencing the boundaries set for them by their parents and they will likely not tell you how they are good things. Everyone else is doing it, they will argue. They are convinced that their reasoning is better than the parents. In Job, he does not see any reasoning for what is happening to him, and perhaps there isn’t any! We’ve seen that phrase “for no reason” twice thus far. Or at least for no reason that makes sense to us at this point in the story.
Job is in the throes of grief and cries out: Job 3:26
I am not at ease, nor am I quiet; I have no rest, but trouble comes.”
A close friend went through a grief I hope none of the rest of us will have to endure. He was travelling with his wife and three children on the way to a youth conference in the mountains. He was looking forward to sharing the Gospel with the group of teens and to enjoying a weekend with his family in the mountains.
In a matter of hours all of that would change. While passing through the last mountain town before arriving at the conference center a pickup would cross the dividing line on the highway and collide with the drivers side of his mini van. His oldest daughter was pronounced dead at the scene. His youngest was life-flighted to the nearest trauma care hospital. His son was unscathed, his wife and he had only minor injuries. At the hospital they would have to make that gut wrenching decision to remove their youngest child from life support.
In the matter of a six hours his world was turned upside down. He was doing everything right, wasn’t he? He was doing ministry - travelling to the mountains to spend the weekend sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ with a group of teens. Not wanting to miss a weekend with his family he was including them, so that he could be the best husband and father he knew how to be by not disappearing for the weekend to “work”. He had bought a mini-van for his family because it was bigger and he believed provided better protection for his family. They were all wearing their seatbelts. He was driving the speed limit. Why? Why was this all happening? Why him? What did he do? Why his daughters? What did they do? None of it made sense to him - nor to us.
One can imagine Job having all of these questions and more. In fact as time goes on he will ask many of them. I too grieved with my friend. I grieved for he and his wife suffering such a tragic loss. I grieved for their son losing his sisters and favorite playmates. I grieved because there was nothing, not one thing I could do to alleviate his pain. I grieved because I too knew those precious little girls - in fact as I share this story I can still hear their excited footsteps on the stairs and their giggles as they would come to the office I shared with their dad just to tell him they loved him.
In the following months the family would go through counseling to help them work through their grief. His counselor had said to him that he was not only experiencing the death of his children, he was “experiencing the death of his theology.”
He believed, that if he did things right, blessings would come. He believed, that if he worked to honor God in his life, blessings would come. He believed, that if he was the best husband/father he knew how to be, blessings would come. And all of that was destroyed in a moment. Who was this God? Was this the God he’d served all this time? Does he really want to worship THIS God? Is THIS God even worthy of worship?
My friend would share a profound statement that would help him and myself in dealing with our grief, and its something I’ve shared since. When you’re faced with the storm of overwhelming grief, don’t run from it - you have to run through it. That means turning and facing it. It means battling your way through it. It means taking the time to grieve.
Job sat in his grief with his friends for seven days and nights - the Shiva for Jews of mourning. Now, he is working through processing his grief, and the first way we see it come out is anger.
In the final verse of our passage he says, Job 3:26
I am not at ease, nor am I quiet; I have no rest, but trouble comes.”
He is not at ease, he definitely is not quiet, rest is not something he finds. In contrast trouble comes. Not just the trouble of the horrendous losses he has experienced, but now also his questions about God himself. It’s troubling.
The only way to work through it, is to move toward it. The same is true for each one of us. There are some tremendous resources available if you’re going through a season of grief I encourage you to seek out help in working through it. If you are in need of resources, I am more than happy to help you find resources to help you in this season.
Grief is not something to be ashamed. It is something we all go through. It is something we all must work through. Don’t run from the storm, run through it. You will find clearer skies on the other side.