The Gospel in our Relationships
Notes
Transcript
Handout
Scripture Reading:
3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
Turn with me in your Bibles to Colossians 3:18.
18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. 20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. 22 Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. 25 For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality. 1 Masters, treat your bondservants justly and fairly, knowing that you also have a Master in heaven.
Prayer for Illumination
Introduction:
One of our favorite shows to watch is On Patrol Live—it’s kind of like a newer version of the old show COPS. Occasionally, the cops have to deal with accidents or investigations, but—at least in the show—well over 90% of their policing is basically dealing with people who never learned to respect authority.
When people run from the cops and are, inevitably, caught and wrestled to the ground and put in handcuffs, the most common refrain is “Why y’all chasing me? I ain’t done nothing!” This, of course, while the cops are cleaning up the wreckage and pulling drugs and illegal weapons from their car.
We live in a society that rebels against authority and despises words like “submit” and “obey.” So, this passage that we’re going to look at is, unsurprisingly, not very popular. Our society wants to believe that there is no difference between men and women, that the problem with disobedient children is that teachers just don’t understand how to teach them properly (instead of the disobedience itself), and that police should just let the drug dealers do their thing.
Well, kids who don’t learn to respect their parents turn into adults who don’t respect authority. These adults act like children—they’ll run from the cops, disobey, talk back, and disrespect authority. They refuse to take responsibility for the wrong they’ve done, and the cops have to tase them, wrestle them to the ground, or in some cases, shoot them.
But, if we grasp the gospel, it has a radical impact on our relationships because it affects how we submit to authority and how we exercise authority. This passage shows us that when we put the needs of others first, it has a tremendous impact for the good of our families and our society.
We display the gospel by willingly submitting to those in authority over us.
We display the gospel by willingly submitting to those in authority over us.
In this passage we see three pairs of relationships that are characterized by authority and submission: a husband and wife, father and child, and master and servant. Authority and submission are part of life, and they are part of God’s design for our relationships. Obviously, there’s a huge difference between the relationship of a husband and wife and that of a parent to their child. But, the principle is similar:
Submission to authority is part of a biblical worldview.
Submission to authority is part of a biblical worldview.
What is biblical submission?
What is biblical submission?
Submit—to willingly defer to God-appointed leadership; respect and obey.
Exactly what this looks like depends on the relationship in question. Obviously, there’s a great deal of difference in the three relationships Paul is describing here. But the general principle is the same—show respect for those whom God has placed in leadership positions.
Submission to authority is modeled by Jesus.
Submission to authority is modeled by Jesus.
Submission with equality is modeled by Christ in his relationship to the Father:
30 “I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge, and my judgment is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of him who sent me.
Christ does the will of the Father, not his own will. (c.f., Gethsemane)
49 For I have not spoken on my own authority, but the Father who sent me has himself given me a commandment—what to say and what to speak.
Christ is sent/commissioned by the Father and instructed on what to say.
18 And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.
“All authority…has been given” to Christ by the Father.
Submission does not imply inequality or inferiority.
Submission does not imply inequality or inferiority.
Despite their differences in roles, Christ and the Father share the same divine nature.
Despite their differences in roles, Christ and the Father share the same divine nature.
15 He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. 16 For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. 17 And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. 18 And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. 19 For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, 20 and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.
Christ is “the image of the invisible God” and “in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell”
Yet, Christ and the Father fulfilled different roles in accomplishing salvation.
So too, wives are of equal value and worth as their husbands—both created in the image of God—but are supposed to demonstrate respect and deference to their husbands.
27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.
Submission should be done willingly, not begrudgingly.
Submission should be done willingly, not begrudgingly.
The writer of Hebrews extends this principle to include submission to authority in the Church as well.
17 Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you.
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
22 Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.
Note: “as to the Lord.” The point is that just as the church willingly submits to Christ’s authority, so a wife should submit to her husband’s authority, a child to his parents’ authority, and an employee to his employer’s authority.
This command is unconditional.
This command is unconditional.
18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Notice the lack of conditions!
1 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct.
Notice that here in I Peter, the command is for wives of husbands who “do not obey the word.” By definition, these men are not godly, respectable men! Yet, Peter says that by respecting their husbands, the wives might actually win them to Christ!
When many people hear the command for wives to “submit to their husbands,” it conjures up images of a mousy, timid woman with no personality cowering under an abusive, demeaning, lazy husband. But that’s NOT what Paul is means by “submit.”
Submission looks different in each type of relationship.
Submission looks different in each type of relationship.
Submission in marriage
Submission in marriage
In marriage, submission looks like respect.
Submission does not imply that those in subordinate position are inferior or incapable of leading. It is merely a recognition that God has intentionally structured the family so that the husband is the head, or leader, of the family.
What Biblical submission is NOT:
What Biblical submission is NOT:
Not being a doormat, being “seen but not heard,” never having or voicing an opinion, never disagreeing with your husband.
Following your husband into sin, breaking the law or sinning because “my husband told me to”
29 But Peter and the apostles answered, “We must obey God rather than men.
Remaining or keeping your children in a dangerous situation (i.e., abuse). Some men have used this principle to manipulate their wives into staying with them while they are abusive. That’s not what Paul means here.
Not a strategy for effective manipulation.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding: “The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants.”
Not exactly the biblical ideal for marriage...
What Biblical submission is:
What Biblical submission is:
Discussing decisions together, voicing your concerns and opinions, but deferring to his leadership in the end.
Not belittling him, tearing him down, or criticizing him to others, even when he may deserve it.
Encouraging your husband, recognizing his strengths
Not criticizing or overruling him on matters of discipline, decisions, etc. (when there is no risk of harm)
Why? The secret to a happy marriage.
Why? The secret to a happy marriage.
Why does Paul command respect from wives and not command them to love their husbands?
Each of these commands addresses the natural tendency towards sin in each respective group. Wives will tend to be tempted to disrespect their husband and usurp his leadership, just as we see with Eve in the garden. Men will tend towards either abdication of their responsibilities or abuse of power in their leadership. Children tend towards disobedience, Fathers towards harshness, and so on.
But more than just addressing our sinful tendencies, Paul’s commands also address our needs. Men, it turns out, need respect more than they need love.
Illustration from Love and Respect statistics.
Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs, by Emmerson Eggerichs
Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs, by Emmerson Eggerichs
Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs Chapter Three: Why She Won’t Respect; Why He Won’t Love
In one national study, four hundred men were given a choice between going through two different negative experiences. If they were forced to choose one of the following, which would they prefer to endure?
a) to be left alone and unloved in the world
b) to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone
Seventy-four percent of these men said that if they were forced to choose, they would prefer being alone and unloved in the world.
For these men, the greater negative experience for their souls to endure would be to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone. I have had numerous men confirm this research by telling me, “I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me.”
These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than to feel loved. Perhaps a good analogy is water and food. We need both to survive, but we can live longer without food than without water. For men, love is like food and respect is like water. Enough said! Respect is the key to motivating a husband.
Most women will probably react to this with surprise, disbelief, or maybe even a bit of judgment. “Well, if men weren’t so immature and insecure, they’d feel differently.” But ultimately, what it boils down to is that men and women are just wired differently.
No one questions the need for love in a marriage. But, what most people fail to realize is that men and women demonstrate love differently and feel loved by different things.
If you still don’t believe me, test it yourself! Think of something that you truly respect about your husband. Find a time in the next couple of days when you’re alone to tell him how proud you are of him or how much you respect him. Instead of criticizing his hobby or his work (or how much time and money he spends on them!), find something about it that you respect and let him know. But make sure it’s genuine.
For most men, the thing that means more to them than anything in the world is what their wife thinks of them. They don’t sit around wondering if their wife loves them—they already know she does. But, even though they’ll never ask it, they do wonder if she respects them. If you do this consistently, you’ll be amazed as your husband’s heart thaws and he responds in love in a way you didn’t think was possible.
Submission in the family
Submission in the family
20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
Kids, you can’t have a good relationship with God while you’re disobeying and rebelling against your parents.
God has given you parents for your good. Notice, it doesn’t say “obey your parents when you want to,” it just says “obey your parents in everything.”
Obviously, that doesn’t mean that you should sin if your parents tell you to sin. But most parents, all but the worst parents, generally want their kids to do what’s right and they want what’s best for their kids.
Parents sacrifice a lot for their kids, because we want them to succeed. So, respect that sacrifice by obeying and doing what you’re told. Not later, not when you get around to it, but when you’re told.
Don’t bypass your parents’ authority, even if your school or others allow it.
Kids, learn to respect your parents now while the consequences for disobedience are timeouts, groundings, and spankings, because as you get older, the consequences for disrespecting authority get a lot worse.
Submission in the workplace
Submission in the workplace
22 Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. 25 For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality.
I don’t think the Bible is endorsing slavery, per se. What Paul is doing is simply recognizing that it exists, and answering the question, “How do I live as a Christian if I’m a slave?” As we’ll see in a minute when we get to authority, if we follow Paul’s principles of biblical authority, it pretty much eliminates the institution of slavery. If you read Paul’s letter to Philemon, he insinuates very strongly to that effect. And, in fact, that’s exactly what has happened historically as Christianity takes hold.
Nowadays, even though we don’t have slavery, these instructions still apply to the workplace and anywhere there is authority.
The general principle? Respect and obey your boss. Don’t do it begrudgingly or while making snide comments behind his back. That doesn’t mean you have to sin or commit fraud because he says so, and it doesn’t mean that you neglect your family and make your job the most important thing in your life. But, it does mean that you have a general disposition of respect and obedience to your employer, and that you don’t seek to take advantage of them or slander them.
Now, we need to turn our attention to leaders...
We display the gospel by loving and caring for those over whom we exercise authority.
We display the gospel by loving and caring for those over whom we exercise authority.
Servant-leadership is part of a biblical worldview.
Servant-leadership is part of a biblical worldview.
What is biblical leadership?
What is biblical leadership?
Servant-leadership is actively and selflessly seeking the welfare and sanctification of those entrusted to your care.
Servant-leadership is modeled by Christ.
Servant-leadership is modeled by Christ.
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
12 When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, “Do you understand what I have done to you? 13 You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. 14 If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. 15 For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you.
Being a servant-leader does not mean you are superior or more worthy, it means you are held to a higher level of responsibility.
Being a servant-leader does not mean you are superior or more worthy, it means you are held to a higher level of responsibility.
17 Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you.
1 Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness.
9 But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?”
12 Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned—
Even though Eve sinned first, Adam is the one held ultimately accountable.
Authority should be loving and active.
Authority should be loving and active.
Just as the command for wives was to seek the good of their husbands by respecting him, so too a husband should seek the good of his wife by loving her.
The model for this love is Christ’s death on the cross. That’s how selfless this love should be.
A biblical, gospel-filled husband doesn’t stand on his “rights” and demand submission from his wife. A husband is called to love his wife regardless of her level of respect for him, just as Christ loves his Church.
A husband may say, “Well, I’d die for my wife.” Well and good. But will you die to your self, daily? When you get home from work and you’re exhausted, do you flop down and wait to be served? Or do you crucify your fleshly desire for rest and serve your wife?
Some men aren’t harsh and demeaning, though; they fall the other direction towards passivity. This is especially true for men who have strong, confident, independent wives. Oftentimes, their wives are more than capable of running and leading the household themselves, and some men are happy to let them! Meanwhile, the man sits back on the couch watching the game while the children drive mom nuts. Or, the man who always has other things to do while mom takes the kids to church, ball games, etc.
The Bible doesn’t say, “Figure out whether the husband or the wife is the more capable leader and then follow their lead.” Leadership in the family is not based upon personality traits; it is prescribed by God.
Neither harshness nor passivity are the biblical model of a husband’s leadership in the home.
When Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, whom did God hold responsible? Even though Eve sinned first, ultimately, Adam was the one who was called to the carpet first. The burden of spiritual leadership for your family is on you, men. Not me, your pastor, not your kids’ Sunday School teacher, certainly not their teachers at school, or the women’s ministry leader, and it’s not even primarily on your wife.
Do you actively seek your wife’s sanctification? Are you the spiritual leader in your home? Do you ask yourself, “How can I help sanctify my wife and make her more holy and more like Christ?” Are you modeling biblical, self-sacrificing love?
Many men get caught up in hobbies and work. It’s easy to pour ourselves into our favorite hobby or even into work, because there’s often instant feedback and gratification. When we have a good round of golf, or score a nice buck, or make a beautiful table, or we succeed at work, people admire us and give us the respect that we crave. But, oftentimes our wives notice how much time and work we put into these things and can’t help but feel like we love our work or our hobbies more than we love them!
Our wives want to know that we love them more than golf, or hunting, or our job. You want to see your wife light up? Get out of the recliner and do the dishes. Skip a round of golf or morning in the deer stand and make your wife breakfast or do the laundry. Put your own needs and desires second and show her how much you love her.
3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
The command is unconditional.
The command is unconditional.
A lack of respect for authority does not negate the command to love and serve.
People disrespected Jesus, spit on him, hit him, and ultimately killed him—the God of the Universe! Yet, Jesus still showed love and compassion for them.
Servant-leadership looks different in each type of relationship.
Servant-leadership looks different in each type of relationship.
What servant-leadership is not:
What servant-leadership is not:
Authoritarianism—Unloving exercise of authority, tyranny, and abuse.
Just as a wife’s tendency is to usurp her husband’s authority, a husband’s tendency is to be harsh and overbearing, to rule with an iron fist. This is the guy who barks orders at his wife, treats her like a household servant, and in extreme cases, is abusive. There is no room for this kind of behavior in a Christian marriage. Much of the same things I said before about a wife’s responsibility towards her husband are equally true here for husbands towards their wives.
In the workplace, this is the boss who is implacable, never recognizing your success, never acknowledging your needs as a person.
Abdication—Refusal to exercise authority, passivity, and neglect.
Moses was not commended by God for his initial refusal to lead the Hebrews
10 But Moses said to the Lord, “Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue.” 11 Then the Lord said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? 12 Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.” 13 But he said, “Oh, my Lord, please send someone else.” 14 Then the anger of the Lord was kindled against Moses and he said, “Is there not Aaron, your brother, the Levite? I know that he can speak well. Behold, he is coming out to meet you, and when he sees you, he will be glad in his heart. 15 You shall speak to him and put the words in his mouth, and I will be with your mouth and with his mouth and will teach you both what to do.
Servant-leadership in marriage
Servant-leadership in marriage
19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.
Husbands are supposed to love their wives and be gentle with them. (v. 19)
Paul’s command to husbands is even more important, precisely because husbands are the leaders of the home. Men, the buck stops with you. You bear the primary responsibility for the health and wellbeing of your family.
How are you leading your family to know and love God more?
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
Has it occurred to you, husband, that God will hold you responsible for your wife’s sanctification?
Servant-leadership in the family
Servant-leadership in the family
21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Be careful of unrealistic expectations of your kids. It’s very easy to accidentally burden our kids with a legalistic spirit. There’s a difference between discipline that’s rooted in grace and discipline that’s rooted in legalism.
Legalistic discipline says “Do what’s right or else.” Legalistic discipline is more concerned about proper behavior than what’s going on in the heart. Legalistic discipline is unappeasable. It always deals out the punishment that is deserved. No matter what this child does, it’s never good enough.
But what we want is discipline that flows from the Gospel.
Grace-based discipline says “I want you to do what’s right because it’s good for you and for others.” Grace-based discipline is more concerned with what’s in the heart than proper external behavior. Grace-based discipline sometimes withholds the punishment that is deserved. Grace-based discipline forgives and loves. No matter what this child does, he will always be loved.
Young children can’t always understand why something must be this way, so there’s a legitimate reason for “because I said so.” But, we need to make sure that we don’t fall into the trap of caring more about having “perfect little children” and what other people think of us and our kids than we care about our children’s hearts.
Servant-leadership in the workplace
Servant-leadership in the workplace
Treat your subordinates the way you would want to be treated.
1 Masters, treat your bondservants justly and fairly, knowing that you also have a Master in heaven.
9 Masters, do the same to them, and stop your threatening, knowing that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with him.
In the end, the general principle is that gospel-believing Christians are not supposed to stand on their rights and demand proper treatment from others, but should rather put the welfare of others over themselves. As we do this in our marriages, families, and workplace, we present a visible picture of the gospel to a world that desperately needs Christ.
Prayer
