Deep Intimacy

Recap

Ok: Week one…What is God’s vision for marriage?

I just want to recap this with you because it matters

God’s vision for marriage is really found in Genesis 2, right on the first pages of the Bible.

1.The strongest marriages are built on a relationship with God….You were designed for relationship with God…so great marriages are built on God being in the center!

2. God created humanity to thrive in relationships We need relationships…

3. God deigned marriage as a cure for loneliness…God wants for your marriage to exist in fulfillment

4. My marriage is intended to reveal the gospel….The way you love your spouse should should look like the way that Jesus loves the church…and the way that you respect your spouse should mimic the way that the church respects Jesus

5. The healthiest marriages exist in vulnerability This means you tell the truth to one another. You are totally open to one another.

Today I want to go much deeper with what it means to be friends in marriage…What does it mean to be best friends?

Intro Story

Have you ever taken a trip with friends before…and its good, there is nothing wrong with it…But like after a few days, you’re just annoyed with them…

You get home and you’re so happy to be home!

You’re thinking…you do strange things…you have strange habits…Its like we are still going to be friends but I am not going on any more trips with you because this is weird…

You are in the bathroom secretly texting your spouse…You're not going to believe what this guy does…

And they are probably thinking the same thing about you

But then like you get married…and if your marriage is a healthy marriage then you just start living with the other person and obviously those first few years your spouse will do things differently than you but it doesn't bother you…

After a while those differences sort of fade away and become the thing that you are used to

and then those different things become things that you love about your spouse

They dont annoy you

A number of years ago I got invited to go to my brother-in-law’s bachelor party in Laughlin Nevada…It was weird because I was doing the wedding but also invited to the bachelor party… I was already married, Desiree was pregnant…And I just remember we got there and there was this group dinner where the guy in charge sort of laid out the schedule…and it was like gambling the entire time…I was literally like…Why did you invite me? So for two days I watched TV in my hotel room…Because everything there is designed to make you gamble your money…

I’m with my wife all the time, you’d think that a weekend with the guys is what I’d want…But the older I get I just want to be with her…

What is that all about?

That is called intimacy.

And I want to start you right off in your notes

“Intimacy is the mutual mingling of souls who are taking each other into themselves to ever increasing depths” -Dallas Willard, The Divine Conspiracy

Before we dive deeper into this sermon this morning…Lets just unpack that…

The mutual mingling: It is entanglement! it is your life getting wrapped up in someone else life.

When Adam looked at Eve that first time and said…Now this is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh…It is a statement of intimacy…Now this is someone to whom I can be entangled!

And because of this entanglement, this mingling of lives…You find these ever increasing depths in your relationship

A number of years ago I was with Rodger and Sue…Married for 50+ years and Rodger was slipping away due to cancer…

Sue was crying…Precisely because their lives were so entangled!

and I got to share with her that even though this part of her marriage has to be the most painful, she also gets to go to new depths of intimacy…

The part where she said that she would stand by Rodger in Sickness and in health, till “death due us part….”

She gets to experience the most terrible part of her vows…But also afterward she was amazed at how they had gone even deeper in intimacy even though he was now gone…

I know some of you have experienced this too…

And that part of your vows is both the worst part and the deepest part…

Because you get to walk with them though the end of their life.

God designed human creatures for intimacy

Intimacy is a spiritual hunger of the soul. It is something that God designed us for…

We can not escape it…It is deeply rooted in what it means to be human

There is a problem though

We live in a society in which we keep on hammering the sex button in the hope that a little bit of intimacy might finally dribble out

This is one of the great lies that Satan loves to throw into society

That sex is a shortcut for intimacy, when in reality, sex is so powerful that it can only be contained within the framework of marriage…(And I will cover this in our sex sermon)

What we have to understand is that intimacy and sexual pleasure is God’s invention. It is his gift to you…It is God’s creation

And what our society does…what evil does is it directs us to take pleasure in things that God has not blessed…

In the Screw tape Letters, CS. Lewis wrote that it was the job of the demon that is afflicting humans to draw humanity toward seeking sexual pleasure:

“An ever increasing craving for an ever diminishing pleasure”

This is the lie of pornography: Oh maybe I’ll find intimacy…And then you find shame

This is the lie of the hook-up: I will finally find intimacy but instead insecurity

This is the lie of the online relationship: No one will know and it feels good….Until you realize that you now resent your own spouse and hate yourself…

We live in a society that hammers on the sex button in hopes that a little bit of intimacy will come out…

Its no wonder our society is the most depressed and anxious that it has ever been…

So I am going to sound like a broken record in this series and I am okay with that.

I want to give you the biblical framework for deep intimacy

Last week I share with you that the actual divorce rate for christians who are committed to worshiping Jesus, growing in their walk with God is not 50% but it is actually 10-15%

Its because they have intimacy with God first ….

Intimacy with God

So how do I have intimacy with my wife or your husband…Start here

Matthew 11:28–30 NIV

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

At first blush this is not about marriage or relationships…

But what is this passage?

It is the God of the universe inviting you to walk with Him…

It is the God of the universe saying, do you have sexual baggage? Here let me handle it

Do you have shame? I’ll take it, I’m glad to do it

Have you built an identity of yourself that is not founded on being one of my kids? I’ll take your identity and make you new

jesus is literally saying come walk with me…intermingle your life with my life

He is saying, come experience intimacy with the God of creation.

Learn from me…Walk with me…and I will reshape your whole life

This is an invitation to have intimacy with Jesus first…Jesus is inviting you to walk with him and he will cary your load! He will redeem your past…He will make you new.

It turns out that constant surrender to Jesus is actually really impotrant because it trains you to surrender to your spouse.

It turns out this long slow walk with Jesus is foundational in your marriage because Jesus is making you into the kind of person who is worth being married to….

It turns out a long, slow walk with Jesus trains you to be married because guess what…one of the goals of marriage is to grow old together…Its a long slow walk

because it is though Jesus’ outpouring of love and grace in your life that you will be able to give that to someone else

I am convinced that when you are loved well…You are freed up to love others well…

When I adopted my dog, I was telling Bob Puliz that he is super scared and skittish of everyone,…and Bob said, give him a year and he will be a different dog…

And the crazy thing is that he was right….Because my dog was loved for a year…he is more relaxed, more friendly, more secure…he’s just a different dog…and We are just humans with imperfect love

Imagine what would happen if your exposed to the love of God for years and years and years…Your love will be like fine wine…You will have this ever increasing capacity to love others!

In fact the apostle Paul was thinking about this in the book of Romans there is this little line that is so massive:

Walking with Jesus reminds you that your love is in perfect and God’s love is perfect

Romans 5:5 NIV

And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

See here is the point.

Intimacy with Jesus allows you to love others with God’s love.

Through intimacy with Jesus, you become a vessel of God's love, empowering you to truly love others.

This is what allows you to take your love for your spouse to ever increasing depths!

See God designed a way of life that when you walk with him, His spirit Pours love into you…

This is why quiet times with Jesus are not just for you and Jesus, they are for your marriage, your work relationships, your friendships, your neighbors

Its what allows you to love when you are confronted with difficult people

It’s what allows you to love your enemies

When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was this is what he said:

Matthew 22:37–40 NIV

Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

What God most wants from us is love….To return the love he gives us and then to take the love he gives us and lavish the world with it

Ok…So my broken record moment: A relationship wit God, who is the author, inventor and whose character is, Love, will transform you into a person worth being married to.

So lets assume you have that…How do we get to these deeper levels of intimacy in your marriage?

Marriage Goals: Best friends forever

There is a book called the 7 principles of making marriage work that says this:

“The determining factor whether wives feel satisfied with sex, romance and passion in their marriage is by 70 percent, the quality of the couples friendship. For men, it is by 70 percent the quality of the friendship.”

The best marriages are in the context of being best friends

I know I have told our story here before…But I met my wife at Chruch…she was the children’s director and I was the youth pastor..>And after Wednesday night church all the volunteers went to Starbucks together…

And then she and I would talk and laugh

We’d look for other reasons to hang out and talk…Until all the sudden one day I just blurted out…So I think I am in love with you…and then we started dating, got engaged and married…Because we became best friends, getting married was totally natural…

So I want to talk to you about some things that Christian friends do…And maybe your not married today…apply this then to your friendships

Friends practice spiritual transparency

James 5:16 NIV

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

My wife has a hunting license in my life. She can say anything to me…she can point anything out…And I have the same authority in her life

Especially as a pastor…My whole life is my work…Some of you clock out…I never clock out…So, I need my wife to not only be there so I can share my struggles with he but I need her there to pray for me and point out when I say stupid stuff!

To be transparent means that you can see right though something…

My wife knows if I am withholding…she knows when I need to vent…she know’s if I am in an unhealthy place…And I know the same about her…

Why…Because we have a license to see through one another…We are aloud in our marriage to point stuff out without flipping out…

Of course there are ways of pointing things out that are gentle and ways that are rude…When Paul is talking to the church he tells us to be gentle with one another…

Can you see though one another? Are you aloud to do this in your marriage? Men can your wife ask you how your walk with Jesus is going? And Ladies can your husband as you the same?

Friends help one another grow

Romans 15:14 NIV

I myself am convinced, my brothers and sisters, that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with knowledge and competent to instruct one another.

My wife and I have different quiet time rhythms so I dont know what kind of picture you have of us…Like we both kneel in prayer holding hands when we wake up every morning…

No…not even remotely…We tried when we first got married but I was like…I have my own way of doing this…you have your own way…lets not make this hard

but I need her to have a quiet time with God and say…you know what I feel like God has been teaching me lately? And that helps me grow

We both love fringe biblical rabbit holes…So many times she will do her own research and I will do mine and we will talk about it…send each other youtube videos

And she needs me to grow in Jesus so that she can learn from me too…I need her to grow in Jesus so I can see the scriptures through her eyes…

This is what best friends do, they help each other grow…

What is your pattern for growth in your own life and how is it affecting your marriage?

Friends mutually submit to one another

In the beginning of his paragraph on marriage the apostle Paul says…

Ephesians 5:21 NIV

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

This is so key because listen there is a way of reading the Bible around marriage that basically says, I am the man, you must obey me…And I will tell you, I have been teaching the Bible for a long time, that just isn’t there…

When you hear the word submit, its not a dirty word in marriage…it means to surrender

You surrender to your spouse…Both of you mutually…

One person does not Lord over the whole household…that is really unhealthy and not at all what the Bible says

When Jesus’ disciples wanted worldly positions of leadership

You can’t set up a scenario in your marriage where one person gets to say everything and everyone else just has to listen, thats not mutual submission…

Matthew 20:26–28 NIV

Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

So men…if the Bible calls you to mimic Jesus’s leadership to the church…this is what it looks like!

So how do you know if you are not doing this

If it has to be your way all the time…You dont know how to submit….My great pastoral advice is…You are exhausting to be around, stop it!

If your husband or wife is not aloud to have an opinion…You are forming a household that more resembles Totalitarianism rather than relationship with Jesus

If your spouse is not aloud to stand up for themself or defend themselves then you know…There is a

If you constantly have to suppress your own ideas and say what you really think… as to not rock the boat, someone has a problem with submission!

Is there compromise in your relationship? If not then maybe someone has a problem with submission!

See Friendship builds trust

Your spouse wont be vulnerable with you if they dont trust you

Do you display humility in your marriage (See Romans 12 + Phil 2)

pride and humility are the core issues here:

Friends bear each others burdens

Galatians 6:2 NIV

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

This one is massive in marriage…When you carry each other’s burdens…Who are you mimicking?

Oh yeah…Jesus…Who said come to me! Walk with me!

There is a reason why the government calls your kids “Dependents” Because they depend on your for survival…and of course we love kids, they are the best and I would never change a second of having kids but if just one of you has to take care of the kids all the time then someone is not carrying that burden.

Men: Specifically men: There is an epidemic of fatherlessness…Don’t be one of those fathers who when your kids are older reflecting on their life they say My dad worked all the time…My dad was never around…Don’t let your kids be fatherless in a two parent household…

Not in every case but usually, Guys its the ladies who do the bulk of caring for the kids…And they need a break…They need a girls night…if nothing else so they can text you and say…”You’re not going to believe what so and so does…its so weird!”

And ladies…if your husband has a heavy load at work and comes home and is really carving out extra time to be with you and to be with the kids…don’t heap a bunch of other stuff on him

Share the burden together! thats what marriage is

If your wife pays the bills and she is like I am so stressed out over the bills…Probably the best answer is ok…what can we do to make this less stressful…How can we change our budget…

But many couples would just say…well I am stressed at work there is nothing I can do about that you just have to figure it out

Your marriage is a team and you need to act like a team if you ever want to grow in intimacy and not resentment

Friends encourage and honor one another

Romans 12:10 NIV

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

Honor is sort of the opposite of contempt

Guys, I have sat on the other side of couples who only have contempt for one another

There are so many ways that you honor your spouse

Honor them by speaking their love language

Honor them when you speak about them to others

Honor them when you are talking to your kids about their mom or dad

Honor them online

And encourage them…

This is what friends do with eachother

Friends worship together

Colossians 3:16 NIV

Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts.

Not only this but what does Jesus teach the church to prioritize?

His kingdom! Seek first God’s kingdom and everything else will come

See the reason why worshiping God together is so impotrant in being friends in your marriage is that it helps you keep honoring God first

It helps you keep heaping your burdens on Jesus

It helps you keep your own grace and redemption in view so that you can give grace to others

It helps you to soak in the love of God so you can love your spouse well!

Intimacy killers:

Not enough Time: Only though time is the character of a person fully revealed Everybody makes time for what is impotrant to them

Kids happened so fast.

I want to be best friends but I dont even know how.

Be open with each other about needing to spend more time together

kids + Work

Time management: You always make time for what is impotrant to you

Sacrificial love in order to help one another

Not enough Talk:

Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks regular communication builds trust and vulnerability in the marriage

It helps you get into your spouses head

The best marriages already knows what your spouse is thinking all the time

That you show the kindness of Jesus and that you display what true grace and forgiveness looks like you have that opportunity

The process of Moving from Resentment (Contempt) to Candor

Not enough Touch

If there is no time

no talk

Why would you even expect the touch?

Going back to that idea of hammering on the sex button and hoping a little bit of intimacy comes falling out….Sexual intimacy is designed to be a culmination of a deep friendship and covenant of marriage…And married people…You need that touch!

Here is the deal, I am glossing over this one because a big sermon is coming on sex and what I want to say is that the Apostle Paul absolutely redefines sex within marriage from survival, childbearing and having heirs to exploring erotic love within marriage

God built you with the desire for sex and it is good, obviously though sin corrupts this…

So know that I have much much more to say on this

Response:

Where do you need to grow as friends

Time Talk Touch…what does your marriage need?

Are you yoked with Jesus?

Homework:

Are there any barriers to us becoming better friends? what are they and how can we work on them?

Reflecting on the three areas you mentioned—time, talk, and touch—what challenges do you face in maintaining intimacy? How can you work to overcome these challenges?

what progress have we made growing in intimacy in our marriage and what steps do we need to take to grow deeper?