Loving Your Spouse and Liking Your Children

Table Talk

Read John 13:34-35. This was Jesus’ command on HIs final night. What is the commandment? What is the promise? How does this apply to our homes?

John 13:34–35 ESV

34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. 35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

Our dear sweet children get to watch their parents have our adult temper tantrums, and they also get to see if we have a repentant attitude.

Love your Spouse

The challenge of the family life:

Our family sees the worst sides of us - things we would never say or show to anyone else, our children hear or see.

ANGER

LAZINESS

FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS (Gossip, disfunction)

LETTING LOOSE ON A SPOUSE

The House a blessing or a war zone?

Or is it a blessing?

YOU ARE ON DISPLAY

Their minds are forming opinions on masculinity, femininity, home life, and a million other issues. They are watching how you and your spouse disagree, with and speak to one another. Do you defend your spouse? Speak highly of each other? Tell your children how much you love their mother, or father? Do you tell them that because of sin, all marriages have ups and downs, but you are committed to their mother? DO you forebear with each other? Giving grace and overlooking sin? Or is your home a battleground?

Definitely times and seasons when our homes go in and out of both. But how is your home characterized?

DISCIPLE MAKING PARENTS WILL LIVE THE GOSPEL AT THE HOME.

John 13:35 ESV

35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

The word love is used only twelve times in John 1–12, but in John 13–21 it is used forty-four times

It is love that is the true evidence that we belong to Jesus Christ.

The church leader Tertullian (A.D. 155–220) quoted the pagans as saying of the Christians, “See how they love one another?”

And how do we evidence that love? By doing what Jesus did: laying down our lives for the brethren (1 John 3:16). And the way to start is by getting down and washing one another’s feet in sacrificial service.

Your marriage can be how your kids lean about the sacrificial love of Christ.

Something we must keep in mind: you aren’t just trying to shape godly children; you are helping grow God-fearing adults.

Your kids might be husbands and fathers or wives and mothers themselves one day, and they will take their cues from their experience with your example on how to best do that.

Set an example to your children on how to love somebody else more than yourself.

This is opposed to the cultural way where kids become more important than the marriage, where life becomes primarily about meeting the needs of the kids. The husband and wife stop considering each other’s needs.

DO NOT NEGLECT YOUR MARRIAGE IN THE FALSE NAME OF LOVING YOUR KIDS.

It is good for your kids to see that you love your spouse differently than you love them and that you put your relationship with your spouse first.

It’s good for them to see you take your spouse on a date

To sit together.

To sacrifice for one another

to surprise,

to serve,

to delight in.

To consistently speak well of the other.

THE LOVE FOR YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE SHOULD ALWAYS BE THE PREDOMINANT HUMAN LOVE IN YOUR HOUSE.

ALSO CONSIDER YOUR SPIRITUAL LIVES TOGETHER.

How can you and your spouse pursue God together more intimately?

Will you study the Word or do devotions together?

Will you have a shared commited prayer time together?

Will you fast together?

What will be your shared spiritual disciplines?

LET OUR MARRIAGES BE MODELS OF THE GOSPEL.

Why So Hard?

So many sinners in close proximity to one another seeking to live the gospel together.

The family community is a tiny reflection of the community of the Trinity and God’s own selfless giving. (In Community with Himself in three distinct persons) (Simply put, the Doctrine of the Trinity is that God is absolutely and eternally one essence subsisting in three distinct ordered persons without division and replication.)

Tim Keller helps us understand this…

This world was not created by a God who is only an individual, nor is it the emanation of an impersonal force… We believe the world was made by God who is a community of persons who have loved each other for all eternity. You were made for mutually self-giving, others directed love. Self-centeredness destroys the fabric of what God has made.

This is something that the enemy looks to wage war on and for good reason.

As we live in this community, we need to ask ourselves the question about our affection for our children…

Like Your Children

If I asked your children, “Do your parents love you? no doubt all would say “Yes.”

If I asked those same children, “Do your parents like you? what would they say?

Do you children feel a heart connection?

Are your children more aware of your correction or your affection?

Again, let us not misrepresent God by never showing affection and never trying to connect to our children’s heart.

Let us not forget that in Christ, our Heavenly Father delights in us:

Zephaniah 3:16–17 ESV

16 On that day it shall be said to Jerusalem: “Fear not, O Zion; let not your hands grow weak. 17 The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

The Spurgeon Study Bible: Notes Chapter 3

Can you imagine it? Is it possible to conceive of the deity breaking into a song? Father, Son, and Holy Spirit together singing over the redeemed? God is so happy in the love he bears to his people that he breaks the eternal silence, and sun and moon and stars with astonishment hear God chanting a hymn of joy

We see this from Paul toward the believers in the churches he planted.

Philippians 1:7–8 ESV

7 It is right for me to feel this way about you all, because I hold you in my heart, for you are all partakers with me of grace, both in my imprisonment and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel. 8 For God is my witness, how I yearn for you all with the affection of Christ Jesus.

Let us have such an affection over our children in this life we walk with them.

Discipleship is not a project, it’s a transfer of life.

That transfer happens best in the context of loving affections.

Are we showing our children that we like them?

We genuinely like them and want to spend time with the, talk with them, get to know them and their hearts?

Passing The Faith In An Imperfect Home

Now, as we pursue this within our home, we must watch out for the heart fallacy of thinking, “I’ve been trying to tell my Husband/Wife” that we need to make some changes.

“He needs to lead.”

She needs to be more of a helper.”

On our way towards being a more Godly Home.”

“I need her to help remind me of prayer or devotion”

“I need him to help lead and take initiative.”

We will so often look to somebody else to recognize sin in their life without taking responsibility for our own sin.

And we must continually remind ourselves that the Bible characters we read about, they all did this in less than perfect homes just like us.

Paul praised Timothy’s mother Eunice, but we see in scripture how she came form a less than perfect home.

Married a Gentile man

Acts 16:1 ESV

1 Paul came also to Derbe and to Lystra. A disciple was there, named Timothy, the son of a Jewish woman who was a believer, but his father was a Greek.

We are unsure really what kind of a father he was. Loving or harsh.

We do know though that He refused to give to Timothy the mark of a Jewish covenant in circumcision.

We know this because ….

Paul meets a young Jewish man named Timothy—and promptly circumcises him.

Acts 16:3 ESV

3 Paul wanted Timothy to accompany him, and he took him and circumcised him because of the Jews who were in those places, for they all knew that his father was a Greek.

This is not a matter of salvation, but so older Jewish believers don't hassle the young church leader in the future

1 Timothy 4:12 ESV

12 Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.

We may not know much about his father, but we can guess that he wasn’t much os a spiritual leader.

It was a flawed home.

BUT, the Gospel of Jesus Christ still came to the brokenness of this home.

Unbelieving Husband or wife,

Divorced,

single mom or dad,

You don’t have the perfect home.

Like we were getting at last week, more important than the perfect home is one where the parent knows his or her own need for forgiving and transforming grace.

Don’t focus on what you can’t control - the other person - but on what you can… yourself.

Insights for a Grace-Filled Home

God put you in this family for your holiness.

We often look at things backwards.

Marriage is not for our happiness. Marriage is for our holiness.

Child rearing is the same.

A child is God’s Sanctification machine calling you to die to yourself daily.

Children are a floodlight on the idols of the heart. (Comfort, looking good before others, control, success, peace.)

2. Your reactions show your need for a Savior.

It’s been a long day, momma is going to Bible Study and it’s your task to take all three of your children to softball practice. One of your children hasn’t napped and aren’t listening most of the time you are at practice. At the end of practice your child still isn’t listening, your about to leave and you try to get your child to come to you only with them to fall to the ground in front of everybody and make a huge temper tantrum scene…

At this point. The way that I know where my heart is right then and there is not how I’ve acted throughout the practice but rather how I REACT at this crucial point.

Children expose us.

Our pride

our impatience

our self-centeredness

our fear of man

I yelled because I was tired

I interrupted you because you never stop talking

I was angry, because you didn’t do your homework.

You’d yell too if you had to deal with toddlers all day.

Blame shifting or excuse making quickly negates any admissions of sin.

We must understand that parenting is a lifelong lesson on taking responsibility for my own sin.

If don’t catch this, then we’re missing the point.

THE PARABLE OF THE ACID CUP

Imagine holding a jar full of sulfuric acid. Someone jostles you and the sulfuric acid spills out. It injures you and the people who are around you. If you were asked, “Why did the sulfuric acid spill out?” you would be tempted to answer, “Because I was jostled as I was carrying it.” But that’s not the real reason. The real answer is because there was sulfuric acid in the jar to begin with. The same jostling of an empty jar would’ve produced no injury.

When our spouse or children sin against us, we are “jostled.” Out come angry words, “acid”. Somebody is usually hurt. Why did this happen? The wrong answer is “because they…”.

Matthew 12:34 ESV

34 You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

Circumstances don’t cause the reaction of the heart; they merely reveal the truth heart.

3. Your weakness displays your need for the Savior.

ALL OF THIS SHOULD BRING US TO THIS UNDERSTANDING THAT WE ARE NOWHERE NEAR PERFECT… AND INFACT BECAUSE OF THIS REALITY>>> I NEED A SAVIOR.

AND GUESS WHAT?

My children’s greatest need is not a parent who pretends to be perfect. Much more important is a parent who senses their need of a Savior.

GOD WORKS THROUGH US when we understand that He uses our weaknesses.

2 Corinthians 12:10 ESV

10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

The best example we can give to our children is that of a repentant sinner who has been forgiven much and therefore forgives and loves much.

4. You can simultaneously model grace and authority.

We live in a paradox.

Parents are authorities to be honored and obeyed. (we build up, train in discipline, coach)

I’m also a fellow sinner just as deeply in need of a Savior. I’m usually just better at disguising my sin.

Conclusion

Whatever my reaction may be,

my children are deciding If I’m serious about holiness or if I’m a hypocrite.

Psalm 133:1–3 (ESV)

1 Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers [FAMILIES] dwell in unity! 2 It is like the precious oil on the head, running down on the beard, on the beard of Aaron, running down on the collar of his robes! 3 It is like the dew of Hermon, which falls on the mountains of Zion! For there the Lord has commanded the blessing, life forevermore.

DISCIPLE-MAKING PARENTS WILL LIVE THE GOSPEL AT HOME.

Thought, Discussion, and Action.

If you are married, when can/do you have protected times set aside for intentional spousal spiritual development?

Have you thought about the affection of Jesus (Phil 1:8) and the Father (Zeph. 3:17)? Do your children know you like them? What are specific ways you can show them the affection of Christ to your children?

One of the problems within our homes is angry responses and not taking responsibility for those responses. How does the parable of the acid cup help us realize that we don’t have to sin and should apologize when acid does spill out?

How does family trials make us more like Jesus? How should this change our perspective on family problems?