Controlling People

New series - RV - loving the people who suck the life out of you. Ppl who steal joy. Who make miserable sometimes. See coming - run!

Yet we aren’t allowed to just write off. Series is about LOVING them - but they make it difficult!

Today talking about Controlling People. Anyone know any control freaks? If raised hand, is anyone beside you trying to pull it down? If you don’t know any controlling ppl - it’s probably you!

I don’t know if you’ve ever been around a controlling person. Terry Farris. Left very strict church - father disowned. Mother couln’t talk often bc made father mad. VERY dysfunctional. Sad. But he used it as a means to try and manipulate and control. If you couldn’t meet when he wanted to he would remind of how family betrayed him, C of C friends disowned him, yada yada yada… Many times felt like he wanted more in the relationship than I was able to give. Felt very controlled.

I imagine many of you have your own stories of controlling ppl. Maybe your parents were CFs. Or you worked for an overly controlling boss. You have/had a friend that tries to control the relationship. See this in school where someone bc of insecurity didn’t want you to be friends with anyone but them. And this often gets carried into adulthood.

Two common weapons used by CPs:

Threats - spoken or implied “do this or you’ll regret it.” If you don’t perform how they want they punish you with silent treatment. Boyfriend threatens if you won’t have sex. Boss uses intimidation to make you stay late. Spouse always threatens to leave if you don’t do what he wants. Most toxic - suicide threat.

Guilt - this is the one used by moms. Not coming home on Mother’s Day - “I was in labor for 47 hours with you, I never slept bc you had colic, I worked my fingers to the bone to provide for you.” Grandma - “you never call, don’t love me, I’ll probably be dead in two weeks…” Friend - “After all I’ve done for you, you won’t do this one thing for me. I thought I could count on you. Some Christian you are.”

This morning looking at how to handle controlling ppl in a way that is most loving to them - and preserves your sanity.

Pray… FLOOD VICTIMS!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Read Matthew 16:21-23

Matthew 16:21–23 (NRSV)

From that time on, Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and undergo great suffering at the hands of the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised. And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, “God forbid it, Lord! This must never happen to you.” But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; for you are setting your mind not on divine things but on human things.”

To give some background, Peter had just won Jesus Jeopardy. Jesus asked “Who do you say I am” and Peter got the right answer. You’re the Messiah! In his mind, all the dreams of the Jewish people for a free homeland are finally coming true. Then Jesus bursts bubble by telling what’s about to happen. Peter reacts poorly - he tries to control the situation.

To deal lovingly with CP three things you need to know.

Know what you are called to do.

Jesus - “Come to seek and save sinners, to give life as ransom, to be killed, and then raised on third day.” Jesus knows what he is called to do and refused to be distracted from it.

The first and best defense against being controlled by others is to know what you are called to do. Calling doesn’t have to be this grand thing like curing cancer or missionary to Zimbabwe. You’re calling...

Husband/Wife

Parent

Student

Serve in a ministry

Share Jesus at work

All of us need clarity on what we are called to do bc no can do everything! Jesus had to live within human limitations. He couldn’t do everything, he couldn’t be everywhere - and neither can you. Calling clarifies! Lots of ppl have a plan for your time. If you don’t set your agenda someone else WILL set it for you. I’m not talking about being stingy with your time; I’m talking about making sure that your focus stays on what YOU are called to do.

This sounds good in concept, but… Any people pleasers in here? (raised hands make me feel better). People pleasing is a form of idolatry. It’s putting other’s opinions of you ahead of God’s calling for you.

Do you know what every controlling person has in common? Someone who allows it. They have a control problem. So do we if we allow it. The goal is not to never be manipulated; the goal is to keep from being distracted from your kingdom calling.

You need to know what you are called to do. Then...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Know when someone is trying to control you.

Jesus - “This is what I must do.”

Peter - “This must never happen to you.” Peter tries to take control - God, forbid!

Was Peter a bad guy? No, he had just got the gold star for identifying Jesus as Messiah. He wasn’t evil. He wasn’t intentionally trying to distract Jesus from mission. But in that moment he was putting his own desires over God’s for his life. Why did he try and control Jesus? Bc in that moment he didn’t understand God’s plan.

Why do people in general try to control others?

Not understanding your purpose - like Peter

Fear/insecurity - fear for you, fear of relationship changing

Lack of trust - spouse has to know where you are every second of day

Anxiety disorders, Trauma/abuse, Low self-esteem, Dysfunction in other relationships

The CP in your life may be a very good person, but we need to recognize that in their woundedness they are trying to control us. Trying too isolate us from our friends, or manipulate us to rescue them again, or trying to get you to meet needs that you were never designed to meet, or get us to accept guilt that isn’t ours.

We need to know our calling, we need to know when someone is trying to control us, and last, we need to know...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Know when to draw a line in the sand.

This is difficult, but it is the loving thing to do. This is what Jesus does for Peter. Jesus says this is what I’m called to do, and Peter is “no this is what I want”. And so Jesus turns and says to him “Get behind me, Satan”. Let’s all practice that...

“Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; for you are setting your mind not on divine things but on human things.”

Get behind me, Satan. So if your grandma tries to make you feel guilty for not coming over enough, just tell her you aren’t going to let her talk that way, and then call her Satan. It’s biblical.

Let’s use our imagination. What if Jesus was co-dependent. Identity wrapped up in Peter’s opinion of him.

Jesus - this is God’s will

Peter - no, no, no. If you do Jesus, I’m not going to be your disciple anymore. I’m going to be mad. I’m not going to invite you to my nephews bar mitzvah. I’ll unfriend you on Instagram.

Jesus - ok sorry! I was going to save mankind, but I don’t want you to be mad at me. I don’t want to hurt your feelings. I don’t want you to give me the silent treatment.

What if Jesus was co-dependent and his identity was wrapped up in what Peter thought. He would never, bc the moment he gives control to someone else, God is no longer leading him. He would be trading divine things for human things.

This is CPs can be so dangerous, bc whether intentionally or unintentionally, if you give control to another person, God is no longer directing you. And then God’s purpose for your life is threatened bc another person is now controlling your actions. Like Jesus, you have to draw a line in the sand.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do we do when we feel we are being controlled?

Truth: Every relationship you have - parents, siblings, coworkers, friends - is a combination of what you’ve created and what you’ve allowed.

Solution: If you don’t like what you have, change what you expect and what you accept.

“I love you, but I’m not going to let you talk to me that way”

“I love you, and I’m sorry if this makes you angry, but this is what I’m going to do”

“I love you, and you can choose to not be my friend, but I’m not going to bail you out this time”

We always affirm our love for the person, but we refuse to allow them to control us.

Difficult? Yes! Incredibly - especially if you’re a people-pleaser like me. What else is difficult? Living in a dysfunctional relationship. Choose your difficult.

Jesus was loving, but he knew when he needed to draw a line in the sand. We must be loving to CP, and often the most loving thing is to draw a line in the sand. There WILL be push-back. But the truth is that, after addressing the controlling behavior, the new relationship can be much better.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let’s get really honest: All of us have controlling tendencies at times, so we really can’t throw stones. Maybe msg has highlighted in your own life where you try to control ppl or situations. Jesus’ next words are important to hear…

Matthew 16:24 “Then Jesus told his disciples, “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.”

Following Jesus is a daily exercise in giving up control. It is impossible to remain in control AND be fully surrendered to Jesus.

The beauty of surrendering control to Jesus is that we are doing it to the one who conquered death! The Lord who loves you sits on the throne of the universe, and even when you can’t see it, is bringing everything into submission to himself. He is healing all the brokenness of the world. Bc Jesus is in control, you don’t have to be. You can be free of that burden. Bc Jesus is in control, listen to what is true for you:

Romans 8:28 “We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.”

Isaiah 54:17 “No weapon that is fashioned against you shall prosper...”

Romans 8:38–39 “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

There are some blessings to getting older. One is that you finally start to learn that you were never really in control in the first place. If I could go back and tell my 25 yo self anything it would be this: chill out. Not in a fatalistic way like nothing you do matters bc it’s all going to burn down. I’m not in control, but I know the guy who is!

If you struggle with control how does the Lord want to liberate you today? What would it be like to wake up and not carry the entire responsibility for your family, your friends, your business, and the world on your shoulders?

Jesus will help you to lovingly say ‘no’ to controlling ppl.

Jesus wants to lovingly release yourself from needing to be in control.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ministry...

Jesus’ mission was too important to allow himself to be controlled by others. He didn’t let Peter control him. He didn’t allow the religious authorities to control him. He didn’t let Rome and the fear of death control him. His mission was to save you, and we wouldn’t let anything distract him from his calling.

His mission led him to the cross where all the sin of the world - all your sin - was placed upon him. He died in my place and your place - so that we wouldn’t have the face the consequences of our sin. But in dying, the sinless one defeated death and rose on the third day. Jesus has won. He now sits at the Father’s right hand and he is making everything new.

Jesus doesn’t invite you to merely believe in him. He invites you to follow him. To surrender your life to him and learn to imitate his way of life. The radical promise of Jesus is that if we will follow him - even though life may be difficult - we will experience his love, peace, and joy. This is how we find the life that is truly life.

Is there a time you can remember when you surrendered yourself to Jesus...

Maybe you recognize tendencies where you are being controlled or you’re trying to control others. Jesus want to give you freedom today...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Communion

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*** Announcement reminders ***

I want us to close our worship time being reminded of God’s incredible love for us and the power we have through Jesus Christ. Let’s say together the early Christian hymn found in the apostle Paul’s letter to the Philippians.

Philippians 2:5–11 (NRSV)

Let the same mind be in you

that was in Christ Jesus,

who, though he was in the form of God,

did not regard equality with God

as something to be exploited,

but emptied himself,

taking the form of a slave,

being born in human likeness.

And being found in human form,

he humbled himself

and became obedient to the point of death—

even death on a cross.

Therefore God also highly exalted him

and gave him the name

that is above every name,

so that at the name of Jesus

every knee should bend,

in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

and every tongue should confess

that Jesus Christ is Lord,

to the glory of God the Father.

Now as we prepare to take this time of worship into the week ahead, the Lord who loves you reminds you in Isaiah:

Isaiah 12:2 (NRSV)

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid, for the Lord God is my strength and my might; he has become my salvation.

GO BE THE CHURCH!!